I woke up in the middle of the night by a breathtaking nightmare and I almost run out of bed.

My heart was pounding and the tears were already running down my cheeks without my notice.

Brandon was haunting me, even in my dreams. And so was Dorothy. The terrible situation with Brandon just the day before, couldn't seem to leave my brain. Same thing with imagination of how Brandon brutally smashed an obtuse graphite pencil into Joseph Ackers carotid artery.

I had been working at St Nicolai for such short amount of time but still I had witnessed the most traumatic things and been in the most toxic and abnormal situations.

I almost fell in love with a patient, with a murderer and a psychopath. That same patient that was hated by the whole country, probably the whole world. That same patient that was painted black all over the news and papers. That same patient that killed a man in front of me, my colleagues and other patients...

I couldn't stop hyperventilating. It felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest and it was hard to breathe. It felt almost like someone choked me with their bare hands.

The tears streamed as I screamed out of pain and fright. Was this like dying?

I rasped my arms to keep control over my senses and my body but it didn't seem to work.

I was just hurting myself, but I had to do something to distract the panic and chaos inside my head.

Why did this happen to me?

I had already been through enough. My life was just about to start and my health was finally at its best. Then I ended up in that place...

I crawled on the floor and tried to find my way to the bathroom, but it was hard with my blurry vision in the darkness.

Finally I reached the bathroom and I managed to sit down on the toilet.

I raised my arms to open the cabinet over the sink and reached for the little green first aid kit box that stood peacefully placed in the corner of the cabinet.

I shouldn't do this. But all my sanity was gone.

I had promised myself only to keep this box if I could manage to stay away from it, and I could, for a very long time. But not just anymore...

Since the box was locked, and I couldn't remember or even care too look after where I had hidden the key, I threw the box heavily to the floor in hope to break the weak lock.

The essentials in the box flew out on my bathroom floor and my eyes widened with pleasure as I succeeded with the opening.

I searched aggressively through the floor and picked up the little bottle with liquid and the tiny syringe with the protection cap.

I looked around the room and snatched the band from my night robe that was hanging on the hook beside me.

In a rough move, I tied the band hard around my arm and watched how my vein popped out in the bend of my arm.

I opened the security lid from the bottle and searched for the syringe that I placed on the sink.

I bit off the security cap and saw the small needle that I was about to stick into my vein.

I filled the syringe with the liquid from the bottle and picked on it a few times to get the air bubbles out.

I bit my lip.

Somewhere inside of me I knew how wrong this was, but that awareness didn't reach my brain in time.

Slowly I moved the syringe towards my swollen vein and let the needle penetrate through my skin to let the morphine fill up my blood canal.

A heavy breath left my lungs and I leaned my head backwards and closed my eyes as I enjoyed the rush.

I had been clean for years, but here I was as stupid and addicted as before. I just couldn't stay away from it.

How could I even let myself keep something like that in my home? I was so naive, thinking I was actually healthy and forever clean.

I hated myself, but it felt so good to be high again.

To feel the medication pump through my blood and paralyze every nerve. To experience the fade out from my chaotic brain. It all just made me so calm...

I laid down on the tile floor and I watched the room spin around me. The tiles came to life and created strange patterns and colors I hadn't seen before.

It all was so peaceful and joyful.

Finally, I fell asleep on the cold floor and the soothing medication remained for the rest of the night.