We stood into her apartment

Both wet cause of the rain.

I looked at her as she studied my face

I walked towards her and grabbed her waist

"I will never leave again" I whispered kissing her neck

She dropped her bag and moaned softly

"Okay." She whispered nodding

I quickly pulled off her red shirt and unbuttoned my blouse

She looked at me, i lay her down on the couch and hovered

I brushed my hand trough her black hair and smiled softly "you will never understand how much i love you" I said shaking my head softly

I connected my lips with hers again and closed my eyes she bit my shoulder softly moaning

The pleasure i felt, i couldn't explain

"Please don't ever leave" she whispered against my skin

I looked up at her and nodded "I promise"

- Lexi's pov

"Yeah he is at my apartment till- I don't know I'm sorry i can't come" I said into my phone calling with becky "honestly i don't mind i know how much you missed him" she said

"Thank you becky, I'm there next week i promise" I sighed "take your time" she chuckled "cheers babes, goodnight" i said "goodnight mate" she whispered hanging up

I looked at van who was smoking a fag putting some music on

"Mate i can't believe that i met this girl four years ago and didn't tell her i loved her right away, she's dead gorgeous, she's nuts, has a brilliant taste in music, also loves my band, and has the best heart in the world like" he said shaking his head sitting down

My heart started beating faster

"such a charmer you are"

He smiled and grabbed me by my hips pulling me into his lap

I groaned "I'm dead" i joked looking into his eyes "I bet you have a few hours left" he joked along kissing my cheek

I closed my eyes "I missed you too much" i whispered pulling my arms around his body

"I know it's been too long" he whispered

I swallowed thinking about something that i didn't want to think about

"What is it?" He asked

I looked into his eyes

"It's stupid really-"

"Lexi, tell me"

I looked at my hands

"Are you still in love with me like you use to? Or just love me cause we've been trough a lot and all that" i said looking at him

He brushing a hand trough my black thick hair

"When i saw you..standing there with your black coat and your black messy hair and those big green eyes i knew that those four years changed nothing..not for me not for you it felt like we never been away, when you stood there" he said lighting another fag

I suddenly felt my head getting dizzy

"I- i need to walk 'round for a bit yeah?" I said getting off his lap walking towards the door

"Where your going, Lexi?" He asked confused

"I just need time- to think" I whispered pulling on my coat "Lexi-"

Before he could finish the sentence i closed the door

I stepped into the lift.

Waited till the doors opened and walked out of the building i was living in.

I had these moments like this.

I told becky and she said i should be talking to someone about this.

I walked down the street, it was cold raining and dark.

I looked at my phone seeing it was 1am.

I turned off my phone and felt tears rolling down my cheek.

- 3 hours later.

I opened the door.

I stood up and saw van sitting in the living room, I was all wet, puffy red eyes with make up running down my face.

"I fuckin' called you so many times where were you?" He said knitting his eyebrows together standing up

"I was walking around-"

"For fuck sake Lexi i was worried sick!"

I pulled off my coat and wiped my tears away

"Well you didn't have to call me cause i was doing fine" i said avoiding eye contact with him

"How can you expect me to be not worried about you when you left at one in the morning and come back three hours later?" He said in a harsh "I needed time for myself, as i said" i sighed walking towards the bathroom

"You could've said what you were gonna do? You left without explanation!" He said I looked at him "can i shower now?" I whispered undressing myself

"What is this?" He asked

"What is what?" I asked confused

He crossed his arms over his chest

"This attitude." He said

I knitted my eyebrows together

"Let me get this straight yeah? I needed to clear my mind, needed time for myself, i told you that, i went for a walk, didn't pick up your calls cause i said i needed time for myself and when i come home you speak to me in a fucking harsh way and ask me why i have a attitude?" I said walking into the bathroom

He sighed "I'm just worried yeah?" He said

"You have no right to be cause you came into my life again you just showed up and bitch about stuff i do-"

I couldn't finish my sentence cause before i knew it his lips were on mine

I kissed back, my hands found their way into his hair but i pushed him away

"No van- you can't just- stop okay? It's always this you know?" I asked shaking my head looking at him "what?" He whispered

"We fight and we end up having sex and act like nothing happened." I whispered letting the water run

"Listen, Becky told me things and i just got worried she told me i needed to take care of you"

I sighed brushing my hair he sat down on the bathtub looking at me

"Fuck sake I'm only looking out for you!" He exclaimed

I turned my head to look at him

"Well it's obvious that a lie isn't it? Cause Becky told you to look out for me" I said stepping into the shower

I closed my eyes letting the water run down my back "listen" he said walking over

"It's been four years yeah? And i don't want to fuck it up again so just let me worry about you cause like- what kind of lover would i be if it didn't look out for you?"

-

"You fucking told van about my depression?" I said into the phone looking around

"I'm sorry mate i just- i thought he needed to know alright? He had to know" Becky sighed

I shook my head brushing my hand trough my hair "you could've asked me." I whispered seeing van walking into my room

"I know I'm sorry for that honestly" she said

"I'll call you back yeah? Bye" I said

"Take care love you babe-"

Before she could finish i ended the phone call

"Becky?"

"Yes"

Van walked over to me and sat next to me

"You could've just- you could've told me this i would've been there for you Lexi" he said looking into my eyes

"Your wrong."

He shook his head "I need you and you need me, we are both nothing without each other and i want to help you" he said

"Can we sleep now?" I whispered looking at him "of course" he said

I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes

"Can we talk about this in the morning?" He asked

"i won't feel the same"

-

I sat down looking at my cup of tea

"Alright" I whispered

"What?" Van asked

"I'm willing to talk about it."

I drank my cup of tea and looked at him

"When did this all start?"

I looked at my hands

"Since you left."

"I was the reason-" he started

"No not the only one but a big part of it yes."

He nodded lighting a ciggy

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Cause i just didn't want to." I sighed

"Are you pissed at me?" He asked

I didn't answer.

Yes i was pissed at him

But mostly at Becky.

"You want me to leave?"

I didn't answer.

He stood up and looked at me "is that a yes then?" He said full of confusion

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes

"Yes." I whispered

What was i doing? he nodded biting his lip walking towards the front door

"I just thought- after four years we would make it trough this right? I love you Lexi" he said looking at me

I didn't answer him and i didn't know why

He sighed "phone me when you need me" he said grabbing his jacket

- van's pov

Of course i knew that she wasn't herself and that depression was taking over her

Of course i wouldn't give up so easily

I had two days till i was going on tour again.

I checked into a hotel and called Becky

"Hiya" she said "you alight?" I said sitting down "van, what is it?" She asked knowing that i spoke too quick and too worried

"It's Lexi, she lost her way a bit" I said looking at the phone "you mean she's gotten worse?"

I shook my head not knowing how she felt when i wasn't there "I don't know is worse; walking away from home and coming back at four in the morning without answering your calls and make up running down your face?" I asked standing up walking towards the balcony

"Fuck sake" Becky sighed

I could hear some noise in the background

"She told me she wanted me to leave so that's what i did, but I'm going over there tonight"

Becky sighed "you want me to come over as well?" She asked worried

I looked at my pack of fags "yeah, please" I said looking over my shoulder

"Right, I'll be there in tonight" she said

I nodded to myself

"Sweet, thank you mate" I said walking into the hotel room again "and van?" She asked

"Yes?"

"Be patient with her"

"Of course, i will, always"

-

It was around 11pm when i opened the door of lexi's apartment.

But she wasn't there.

"Ello love?" I said looking around

No one.

Then it hit me.

She was depressed, she needed help.

She needed us.

I stepped into the lift and saw a girl round my age "oh- wait your van McCann from catfish right?" She asked smiling

I was focused on Lexi, where was she?

"Yes love i am" I replied looking at her

"I absolutely love yous music" she said smiling again "thank you very much for that" I said with a nod shaking her head

The doors opened "this is mine then" I chuckled stepping out of the lift "have a good evening" she said smiling "goodnight love" I said with a nod

I made my way on top of the building

I saw her standing there with closed eyes

"oh my god" I said under my breath

I walked towards her

"Lexi?" I said coming closer she opened her eyes and turned her head to look at me

"Van? What are you doing here? Thought you left" she whispered stepping closer to the edge "don't you dare" I said looking at her then at the edge "I can't take it no more van" she whispered with puffy red eyes and tears rolling down her cheek "darlin' you know I'm here, I'm gonna take care of you" I said walking closer

She shook her head slowly crossing her arms

"I'm so sorry van" she whispered looking down

"You don't have to be Lexi, just- don't fucking kill yourself" I said looking at her

"There is nothing left" she said looking down

I shook my head "we're gonna go trough this, together even Becky right? We're here and i know you don't feel like we're-"

"Van?" She whispered

"Yes?" I asked her softly

She looked at me shaking, tears all over her face "I never meant to hurt you and i never meant to do anything besides loving you and you deserve better we both know" she whispered shaking her head softly

"Please come here" I said

She shook her head looking down

"Isn't better for everything?" She whimpered

-

-

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