I looked at van who stood in my doorway

"So this is it, isn't it?" I whispered

"I'll be back soon" he whispered

"You said that the last time too" i said with a weak smile "I promise" he whispered

I nodded "take care van" i whispered

He leaned in but i pushed him always softly

"It's better that we don't- you know" I whispered "I'll call you" he whispered i nodded

"Goodbye love" he whispered

"Goodnight van" I said closing the door

What was i doing?

I fucking loved him why was i being so stupid

I opened the door and looked for him, but he was already gone.

My breathing started to speed up

"Van?" I said walking down the hallway

"Van!" I said

I clicked too many times on the lift button and quickly stepped in

When the doors opened i walked out wearing my pyjamas i was a twat

I walked outside seeing him with his bag in his right hand "van!" I called running towards him

He turned around looking confused

I run up to him and kissed him

"It's fucking freezing what ya doing here?" He asked as we broke away "I couldn't let you go like that" I whispered putting my forehead on his "don't worry about it honestly i will be back before you realise I'm gone" he joked

I nodded kissing his cold lips again

"I love you" I whispered hugging him

He smiled at him with his well known crooked teeth and hugged me "I love you more, now get inside you your freezing love, I'll call you in a bit" he whispered I nodded smiling

"Take care" I whispered "I will love, take care" he said smiling

It was nog totally dark outside but twilight

I walked back inside and smiled lightly to myself.

I wasn't afraid of saying it

"I'm in love with van McCann" I whispered to myself.

3 months later

i walked into becky's house

"Oi oi!" I said walking into the kitchen

Becky and her brother sat there not seeing me

"I'm honestly worried about ya" he said

Becky shook her head

"Why would you?" She asked him

"Cause I'm your fucking brother mate! Your gone all the time and when you are here you are drunk or high!" he yelled

She stood up "sit down Becky I'm not done talking to ya!" He yelled "oh feck off mate" she spit walking towards the stairs

I walked into the kitchen looking at Brandon

"She alright?" I asked he shook her head

"I can't get a grip of her" he whispered

"I'll talk to her yeah?" I asked him

"Please Lexi" he sighed with a weak smile

I walked upstairs seeing Becky sitting in her room crying

I never saw her crying often "eh mate" I said walking into to her room

She quickly wiped her tears and shot me a weak smile "oi oi" she whispered

"You alright lad?" I asked she nodded

"Your eyes are bloodshot"

She sighed

"You need to help me" she whispered

I sighed "I will" I whispered hugging her

"So you need to find yourself a proper job" I said writing it down

She nodded pushing her hair back

"And stop fucking around like your seventeen"

She nodded again

I looked at her "you just need to be a little serious about your life yeah?" I said she nodded again "so this is it." I said handing her the note

"Alright, first, Find a proper job- mate you gotta help me with that one" she said looking at me i chuckled and nodded "second: put my life together" she said looking at the note

Then at me "I'll help you with everything" I laughed she nodded thanking me

We walked into her room "where's the stuff" I asked "under my bed." She whispered

"Eh don't be ashamed of it we all done it" I said she nodded i grabbed the little bags of drugs and empty bottles of alcohol

I didn't know it was that bad.

We walked back downstairs again

"Brandon?" Becky said he looked at her

"I'm sorry" she whispered

"Come here" he said hugging her

Becky smiled weakly at me

I shot her a smile

"Aye what's going on 'ere!" They're mom Anna said "nothing much" I chuckled

Becky broke away from the hug and sat down

"Ya staying for dinner?" Anna asked

I shook my head "I wish i could but i have a dinner meeting kinda thing" I said with a sigh

She nodded "business women Lexi innit!" The mam laughed i smiled at her "don't sell me that stuff" I laughed smiling

"So we are offering you to photograph people now" my boss said

I drank my water and nodded

"What kind of?" I asked "famous people" he whispered smiling "your taking a piss-" I started but then saw him knitting his eyebrows together "I'm uh- like who?" I asked awkwardly "people from bands, you can go to their gigs and that" he said with a nod

"I'll do it" I said smiling "alright we'll talk about this tomorrow is that okay?" He asked i nodded "right, goodnight mr. Jackson" I said shaking his hand "goodnight lexi" he chuckled

I stood up and walked out of the all too fancy restaurant and walked home

I heard a knock on my door as i pulled off my coat

I walked towards the door and opened it

It was not Becky, not Steve and not becky's brother, it was Collin

"What are you doing here?" I asked him

He smiled "it's been a while" he whispered

I knitted my eyebrows together and shook my head "Collin we weren't even mates you know" I sighed putting my hand on the door

"Fuck sake" he whispered looking at the ground "what?" I asked "I'm in love with you"

My eyes grew wide "Collin, i can't- d'you know what i mean i-" I started but got cut off

"I'm in love with you Lexi and it's been like that for a long time and i now have the balls to tell you that" he said looking at me

I sighed "I'm in love with someone else" I whispered

"I know and i know this is wrong but-" he started but stopped talking

"What is wrong-"

Before i could end my sentence

His lips were on mine

He walked me towards the kitchen and sat me on the counter "I can't do this" I whispered as he kissed my neck

"I know you can" he whispered in my ear sending me chills down my body

I closed my eyes "you think that rockstar of yours doesn't have any groupies?" He whispered kissing my neck

I shook my head opening my eyes

too weak to say anything

I looked at him and swallowed kissing his lips

I was going to regret this big time

"You did what?!" Steve said as we walked into a cafe "I didn't mean to" I sighed sitting down

"Were you smashed?" He asked i shook my head being honest "fuck sake" he sighed

"I feel like a fucking twat but on the other hand van didn't even called me the past months

Steve looked at me "I didn't know"

I sighed "well now you do" i said

"Is he coming back?" He asked me

"I don't know Steve" I swallowed

"Why don't you call him?"

"Cause it would only make it worse"

He rolled his eyes

"You should"

"No I shouldn't" I sighed

"Listen Lexi, did you feel anything kissing that guy?" He asked me

I shook my head "well no-"

"Do you love van?" He asked me

"Yes i do-"

"Than tell him." He whispered

I swallowed, i knew i needed to tell him

But i don't know how

-

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