Carmen:

"Christ I can't." Van rubbed his face, looking past me. "That's why I came to get another drink."

"Maybe I should go then." I mumbled, looking at my phone. The message notification was an angry red, Zach's messages not meant for me to ignore.

"Now why would I want that?" He asked dryly, brushing past me to the counter.

I walked away in a huff, figuring it was time for me to leave. Besides, it wasn't like I was doing anyone a favor by being here. Van and I both would breathe a little easier if we weren't in the same room.

"No, come here." He spoke up loudly behind me. He wasn't talking to me. "I'm talking to you Carmen." His hand wrapped around my arm. I snapped back and looked at him.

"What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"What do you want from me Van?"

"What do you think?" He pulled me towards him. "I want you to look at me and tell me everything that's wrong with me. If it made you leave me."

"I don't have time for this." I pulled away from him. I don't know how he did it, but with one hard pull I was pressed against him and his hand was gripping my waist while his breath washed over me in waves. I breathed in his cologne. I didn't even know when he started wearing any.

"You don't have time for me anymore? Used to give me all the time in the world when it was just us two in your bedroom."

I shoved him back. "What, is that supposed to make me feel bad? You want a list of what went wrong, then fine, I'll give it to you. You were the biggest hypocrite in the world. God forbid Zach ever came up in the conversation, but I was supposed to accept that Abby was your new best friend."

"There you damn go again!"

A sudden burst of cheers made us both quiet. Someone had just scored a basket or whatever. I used the opportunity to try and brush past Van, but he held onto my wrist and pulled me out towards the door.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not done talking. We're not done."

"I have to go."

"Cancun eh? Zach's idea?"

I didn't say anything.

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Van:

She leaned against the wall, crossing her arms and glaring at the wall.

"So it is huh?" I spoke up.

She looked at me and then rolled her eyes, going back to studying the ground. When she finally spoke, her voice was hard, harder than I'd ever heard it before. "Like you told me, you don't have the damn right to tell me what's right anymore."

"I'm not telling you what's right." I stepped closer to her. She pressed herself farther back, her eyes not leaving mine. "I'm just confirming my suspicions." Her silence made my chest hurt, but I don't know why, I'd figured this out sometime ago. Maybe it was because she was solid and present in front of me now.

"You don't get to do this. You don't get to act like you never did anything wrong when"-

"You never told me! How was I supposed to know what you were feeling, what I'd done if"-

"You're not a child Van! It's common sense. Put yourself in my shoes, if I'd done any of what you did, and then didn't bother to act sorry about it"-

"I was sorry!"

"Well you could've acted like you were!" She seemed to deflate then, hugging herself. "But it doesn't matter anymore. Everything's done and that's it. Now you're living your life, and I'm living mine."

"Do you love him?"

"Love who?"

"Who do you think? I figured he's wormed your way into your life so much more than just being "coworkers"."

"He's there when I need him to be." She said dryly.

"But that doesn't answer my question. Do you love him?"

Her silence made my stomach swoop. She didn't love him, of course not. He was a distraction because she needed to make herself believe she could move on. But she didn't have to.

"Van"-

"Does he do what I do for you?" I placed a hand on her back, pressing her closer to me. She smelled incredible, it felt like my body was on fire right now.

"Van"-

"Does he do what I do for you?" I moved my head down, her eyes following me. Her lips were an inch from mine, and I could hear her swallow. "Can he do what I do to you?"

"Stop."

"Why?" I whispered.

"Because you can't do this."

"Don't want to cheat on your boyfriend?"

"He's....he's not my boyfriend."

"The fact that you needed to tell me that already shows how important I still am to you." I couldn't help but smile, moving back an inch to get a look at her expression.

"But he could be."

"You don't mean that."

"He could help me get over you. Because yeah, I might still think about you." She swallowed loudly. "But if I put my mind to it, I could stop doing it."

"You're a terrible liar." I grabbed her chin, bringing her face close to mine. Her eyes dropped, but she made no attempt to move out of my grasp. "Because why are you still here? You know I'd let you walk away, if you really wanted to. But you don't."

"What do you want from me?" She asked again.

"Just to make sure I'm still on your mind. Carmen, did you think you ever left mine? They say it takes time to get over an ex, but something must be wrong with me." The last sentence left my mouth painfully. There must've been something wrong with me no doubt.

She looked up at me again, and her eyes looked wet. "Van, I never meant"-

"We never mean anything, but that doesn't stop us." I let my hand drop from her chin, turning away. "Don't you have to go?"

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Carmen:

I took a deep breath, my legs trembling. I didn't know what to do with my hands, so I grasped them together and then after a second crossed my arms.

"Don't you have to go then?" He asked me again, looking me in the eyes. His face was somber, his mouth a thin line.

My heart was still beating loudly from Van's lips being so close to mine. I wanted to scream at him, I wished his mouth had met mine and offered some relief for the large knot in my stomach. His abrupt change in attitude left me a mixture of confused, disappointed, and angry.

I straightened up, rushing back inside the bar and feeling disoriented standing under the bright lights and amid the cheers and clink of glasses.

"What's wrong Carmen?" Katherine's smile faded when she saw me coming to the table. All the guys had been smiling, they probably thought I'd reconciled with Van and had disappeared to make out with him somewhere.

"I have to go." I grabbed my bag.

"Wait I"-

I rushed out, almost wanting to see Van one last time outside. He wasn't.

I blinked quickly, feeling the wetness gather in my eyes. I brushed my hands against them, grabbing my phone and beginning to google a taxi company.

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I felt sick as I made my way up to the apartment.

"Hey, I was just about to call you." Jesse said.

"I, uh, yeah. Just some stuff for work." To my horror, my voice noticeably shook.

"Carmen what's wrong?" Jesse asked, concerned.

"I-Everything. I don't know." In the span of a few seconds I'd completely turned into a giant teary mess.

"Why? Come on, tell me." Jesse stood up, taking a step towards me.

"I saw Van."

"What happened?"

"Katherine, she didn't tell me, but we were meeting the guys. And he was there, and we talked, and I don't know, I thought he was gonna kiss me, but then he just turned so, so cold. And I left and now I'm so..." I pushed my face into my hands. "I don't know why I'm like this, why now? Why did I have to see him now?"

"Carmen, I'm so sorry." Jesse pulled me into a hug. I cried on her shirt.

It was a mess. Just like this entire night had been.

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Van:

"Don't fucking talk to me." I completely shut down once I'd stepped back inside. Katherine was unbothered, and that really pissed me off.

I stood up abruptly and headed out of here. I couldn't stand being another second here.

The hotel was a few minutes away, and once in our suite I thought over everything I'd said to Carmen. My head was fucked. And well, the second my lips had been right above hers and she was right there and then the kiss hadn't happened and now she was getting ready to go away with Zach for the weekend.

He could help me get over you.

I went into the bathroom and splashed water over my face, looking at the way my eyes had reddened. How the hell had I let myself get like this? And why hadn't I just kissed her?

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Carmen:

"Party time!" Nicole yelled the minute I slid into the car.

I tried to smile, and luckily no one noticed how out of it I was. I pushed my sunglasses up, feeling Zach put his arm around me.

"Sleep well?" He asked.

"Yeah." I replied. He looked fresh faced and fully awake, and for a minute I was jealous of the fact he must have slept really well and hadn't been plagued with dreams of his ex.

"Who wants a drink?" Jeremy asked.

"You read my mind. You want one?"

"Sure." I accepted the drink, tossing it back quickly.

"Ready to cut loose huh?"

I nodded, reaching for another one.

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For a minute I'd thought about backing out of the trip. I had wondered whether to call Nicole or Zach, and make up some excuse of being sick or having a family emergency.

But for what?

Think maybe Van would show up to my place, eager to pick up what he'd so abruptly cut off?

It wasn't going to happen. We weren't going to happen anymore.

And though seeing him last night had done loads to my mind, I knew that I'd probably never have to see him ever again. We were on different wavelengths, and it was clear that we were too bitter towards each other to really get along.

"You ok?" Zach's voice cut through my thoughts. I straightened up, trying to nod cheerfully. It must have been something out of a movie. The water was crystal blue, the sun reflecting off of it. And we'd spread our towels out and though almost everyone had gone out to the water, Zach had stayed behind with me. But I wasn't being much good company I guess.

I licked my lips, sitting up and pulling my knees close to me. Should I bring Van up or not?

Zach and I weren't together, this was true. But from all the attentions he gave me, the opposite could easily be assumed.

"Do you know how to swim?" I blurted out.

"Yeah, don't you?"

I shook my head. "I took lesson when I was nine, but that was a mess. I could barely let go of the instructor's arm."

Zach laughed. "You're so cute. Bet you I can teach you how to swim in one day."

"I don't think so."

He grinned, standing up and offering me his hand. "Come on then, you'll see."

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Van:

"Los Angeles, I want to make you business." I mumbled into the microphone with eyes shut, laughing when I heard the girls up front start screaming. "We are Catfish and the Bottlemen, and this is a little song called Pacifier!"

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"And I'm so-o-o-o--o impatient when you're not mine..."

I strummed the guitar, squinting as the bright spotlight shone right in my face. My white shirt clung to me from the sweat, but I didn't even mind it once I heard the voices singing back to me. People had their phones lit up, waving them in the air.

It was moments like these, when I looked throughout the crowd and saw some lads headbanging or a couple of girls singing back the lyrics like their lives depended on it, that made me want to keep doing this gig until the moment I took my last breath.

"Offer my hand"

"I'll take your name"

"Share my shower"

"Kiss my frame"

It was a duet between me and the crowd, and I walked off the stage to screams and applause, feeling absolutely content.

I changed my shirt, standing over the bathroom sink and splashing water over my face. I loved the life I was living, and maybe there wasn't much to fret about now, but I still got these feelings of desperation, like there was just this one thing I needed.

And it was so so close, but still out of my reach. She was out of my reach.

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Carmen:

"I thought you said you were gonna teach me how to swim in one day." I rolled my eyes, smiling.

"You're hopeless."

I shoved him back, laughing. The waves touched our feet, the rest of the group splashing around farther ahead. Zach's arm looped around my waist, pushing me closer against him.

"Thanks for nothing." I looked up at him.

"Anytime."

"Hey can you guys quit making out or whatever and come on in?" Bryan yelled out.

Zach rolled his eyes, flipping him off. He looked down at me, smiling. His eyes lowered and placing a hand on my face, he brought me close to him. "Let's make 'em mad." He laughed.

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We grabbed dinner and of course drinks, and the restaurant had a dance floor where of course our group gravitated towards.

Zach swung me around, earning laughs from me. Sometimes I don't know who I was with him, I felt more carefree. He ordered us another drink, but I waved it away. I wasn't looking forward to waking up with a hangover the next morning.

After a while we all went t our separate rooms, thank god the girls were in one room and the guys in another. If I'd had to split a room with Zach...I don't know.

He gave me one last kiss and a wave before following Bryan to their room. Nicole wrapped an arm around my waist, Sydney hugging my shoulders. "You guys are so cute." Sydney whispered into my ear.

"Yeah, I haven't seen Zach this flirty and gross since his ex." Nicole smiled, throwing the door open. "How about some face masks and wine to end this amazing night?"

It was when we were all sprawled on the sofa watching some eighties movie with a glass of wine that Sydney started the conversation about exes.

"He told me my skirt was too short once, it was two inches above my knee. I'm one hundred percent serious." She took a drink. "What about you Carmen?"

"Yeah, any dickhead exes?" Devon asked.

"Not really."

"You don't sound so sure."

I swallowed, thinking my words through. "My ex and I were just mean to each other. We got jealous, and I remember I used to get so mad because I just wanted him around all the time. And it just couldn't happen. So I think I would lash out more at him because of it."

"That's what always happens." Nicole spoke up. "Was it his job?"

"Yeah, but it was his dream job you know?"

"Honestly if he picked his job over you then"-

"No it wasn't that. I don't know." Was all I could offer, taking a giant gulp of wine.

"I think I'm gonna pass out." Nicole rubbed her eyes, smiling.

"Yeah, me too." I responded, grateful for the change in subject.

I woke up a sweaty mess, breathing heavily. My dream had been so vivid, it left goosebumps on my arms.

Van was so solid in my dreams, looking at me, smiling at me. I could feel his hands on me. Everyone else was still asleep, Nicole's back to me. I slid out of bed, walking towards the sliding door. It led to this little patio area and I figured I could sit there and think.

I grabbed my phone before I stepped out, moving the door to a close behind me.

It was midnight, the moon large and reflecting off the waves. I sat down on the seat and crossed my legs, putting my chin on my hand.

I couldn't get over this dream. It had been so real. From Van to the sensations. I shut my eyes and pressed my palms against them, reaching for my phone and unlocking it. Everything from our relationship was still on my phone, from the photos to the messages to the call log with his name on it. I couldn't even bring myself to delete his number.

I stopped on his name, feeling desperation claw at my chest. For nights I'd wake up and go to his name, thinking of what would happen if I called him. I thought he'd never answer, because why would we?

Now I did the same thing.

I thought of his face, the way he'd looked so angry at me. I had broken up with him through voicemail and then really never talked about it. Because why stretch it out when the point was that we weren't the same?

I put the phone down, chewing on my thumbnail.

It rang. Loudly, obnoxiously.

I pulled it up to look and my stomach sank.

"Hello?"

"Hello." His voice was somber.

"Van?"

"Did you delete my number?"

"No, I just, didn't understand why it would be you calling me."

"Ok, well"-

"Are you drunk?"

"No." He said harshly, then sighed after. "I guess I just wanted to know if you'd still answer the phone if it was me."

"Of course I would." I gripped the phone.

"Are you in Cancun?"

"Yes. Are you still in Los Angeles?"

"Yes. When are you coming back?"

"Day after tomorrow, why?" My heart thudded.

"I need to talk to you. About last night."

"We don't have to"-

"I know you don't want to, but I do." He cut across.

"Why are you so, so angry at me?" I snapped.

"Does it seem little what you did to me?"

"What I did to you?"

"You broke my fucking heart Carmen! I can't do shit without thinking about you now. Does that seem little to you?"

"Do you think I wanted to?" I whispered.

"Well then why did you?"

"Because, I just couldn't keep up with you anymore."

"You could've told me, I could've slowed down for you. You know I would've done anything for you."

"Are things different now?"

"You tell me."

I heard the rustle of sheets. "Van, what do you want?"

"I just want to not think twice about it anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I want to not worry about relationships or love or any of it. God, look at me. I don't know, I think I've had too much to drink."

"So you are drunk." I said coldly.

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not." He didn't sound it, but who knew anymore.

I hung up.

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Van:

She hung up. I looked at the phone in a bit of pained amazement. She would've never done that to me before.

Maybe she was tiring of me because I wouldn't tell her what I wanted flat out.

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Carmen:

"Zach don't." I squealed, shoving him away.

"Oh so you don't want me to do this then?" He wrapped both arms around me, shoving me towards the water.

"Stop!" I laughed.