Van:

It's her again. I stared down at my phone screen, tightening my grip on it. I needed to just ignore it, I needed to-

"Hello?"

"Hi." She breathed out on the other end. Maybe she was thinking I wasn't going to answer either.

"Hey, how are you?"

"I'm good. I was actually waiting for you to call." She said hurriedly. "I thought we'd said last night, but"-

"I'm sorry. Lost track of time in the studio."

"Oh, that's fine then. How's it coming?"

"It's massive. Class audio engineers and everything here. Dave's been mixing the right beats and the songs are just coming together nicely." I took a seat on the couch, studying the carpet. "How's work?"

"It's going very well." She said. "I really like it here."

"I'm glad you do."

"My classes are coming to an end next month." She trailed off. The silence stuck between us.

"Oh, that's good then."

"Yeah."

I pressed my fingers against my eyes, feeling the words come on instinct. "I'd love it if ya came to visit. Before we take off on tour."

"Tour huh? It's finally happening." She shifted.

"Yeah, everything's finally happening like I wanted to."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"Vanny boy." Abby plopped down on the couch, sticking her sunglasses over her head. "Why the long face then? Hasn't everything been swell with the album?"

"Yeah, it's just other stuff. I don't know. Anyways, what do ya want?"

"Oy, if I knew I was gonna get this kind of treatment, I would've just gone to get some lunch by myself. Aren't you hungry?"

"I ate with the lads earlier."

She blew out some air. "Alright alright, I'll get out of your hair then." She jumped up, coming to stand next to me. "Take it easy." She said quietly, brushing a finger against jaw. I moved back.

"What are you doing?"She didn't say anything, moving closer and suddenly pushing her lips against mine. The door swung open, yells sounding behind her. I grabbed her by the arms, pushing her back. "Don't ever do that again, ya understand?"

All the guys got quiet.

She blinked rapidly, mouth opening and closing. "I-I just..."

"Don't. Now please get out."

"Van, I'm sorry, it's just...sometimes you look at me in a way that makes me think you wanted this too."

"Abby I need you to leave."

She spun around, pushing past the guys and slamming the door shut behind her.

"Everything alright?" Bondy spoke up slowly.

"Does everything look fucking alright?"

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Carmen:

I stuck the popsicle in my mouth, leaning against the chair and looking at the screen. Sticky fudge pooled around my fingertips, it was melting.

My other hand tapped the back of my phone, which I'd glance at every five seconds or so. It's not like I was expecting Van or anything, but he used to call me out of the blue sometimes. Well before, when things were right.

No, things were right.

Except they weren't.

Ever since Van had left, I'd realized we were distant. Even before then, I had to admit it.

I felt desperation claw at my chest, squeezing the phone. He had promised he'd call.

"Carmen?" I snapped up, looking at Zach. He looked at me nervously, like I was some ticking time bomb he didn't want to set off. "Did you like the popsicle? I figured you were a fudge person."

I tried to shake my head earnestly. "Yes, it's really good Zach." I studied the melting popsicle until he looked back at his computer, then let it plop into the trash can. My mouth was overwhelmingly sweet, a stark contrast to the sourness in my throat.

I washed my hands in the restroom, looking at the mirror. My eye makeup had smudged and there was a thin brown line of fudge on my chin. I wiped myself off quickly, pushing my hair back and taking deep breaths.

He'd phone soon. Or maybe he wouldn't.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"I was thinking of going to that new burger place down the street, wanna come?" Zach hovered near my desk, hands stuck in his leather jacket. If I hadn't known him, I'd think he was too cool to talk to me honestly.

"I still have to look over the paperwork Ella gave me." I trailed off, looking at the stacks of paper.

"I won't tell. Come on, I don't want to look like a creep eating by myself." He put his hands together, pleading.

"I don't know."

"Carmen." He stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. I sighed, smiling a little.

"Fine."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"Are you ok?" Zach said the moment we stepped outside the office.

"I..yeah, why?"

"You look...tired. I don't know, you also seem distracted a lot."

"It's nothing."

"Wouldn't have anything to do with your boyfriend would it?" I almost halted, but Zach didn't seem the least bit fazed.

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know. I'm just guessing. Being with another person in a relationship can be stressing sometimes."

"Is that how it is with you then?"

"Was." He corrected me. "But yeah. We made each other's life hell. She'd get jealous, I'd get jealous. Stuff like that."

"I know." I said glumly. We walked into the place, standing in line. I hadn't talked to anyone about my thoughts with Van, and how it felt like we were inevitably drifting.

"So yeah, that's why I was asking."

"It's hard. With him on the road." I blurted out. "Especially since his last visit. We had an argument and it just sort of hovered over us until he left."

Zach stayed silent for a second. "You know it's not you right?"

"You don't even know what we argued about. I could be the bad one in all of this." I smiled weakly.

"I feel like I know you plenty. You don't seem like the person to want to start anything bad."

"It's not Van." I quickly defended him. "It's just the strain...being so distant, it's not like we can see each other in person any time we choose."

We ordered and sat down outside to chill outside, escaping the chatter and bustle of inside. I felt awkward now, feeling like I'd overtalked.

"I've always wanted to start my own PR firm." He said abruptly. I was relieved he'd changed the subject.

"Really? Like for celebrities?"

"Nah, music. I've already got a couple clients. Or at least my friends say they'd hire me." He rolled his eyes, smiling.

"That'd be great."

"I don't think you wanna stay working here forever do you?"

"Well, I'd like to see what else is out there. But for now I'm pretty happy." The waitress interrupted the conversation and brought our food. We talked about anything while we ate, and it was nice. I realized a bit into the conversation that I hadn't even checked my phone.

"Got an important meeting to get to?" Zach teased.

"No." I dropped my phone back in my bag, crossing my legs and leaning forward, resting my elbows on the table. "Unless you're in a hurry to give me more paperwork once we get back."

He feigned shock. "I would never."

"Uh huh sure. Don't think I haven't realized you give me all the paperwork, cause I'm the intern." I joked, narrowing my eyes.

"That's what interns are for." He smiled innocently.

"So it's true!"

"I just wanted to see how you reacted. Of course it's one hundred percent not true." He reached over and patted my arm for good measure, his hand lingering. I shifted and he drew his hand back, pushing back his hair with it. "You ready then?"

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

We got back and resumed working. I left the office a while later, being able to say I had homework to leave early. I still had classes to get to anyways.

My phone vibrated in my bag as I got home and figuring it was a text from Van, I opened it.

Katherine: we need to talk

I reread the text. It had been about two months since I'd spoken to her, and if I remembered correctly, we hadn't exactly been on good terms.

About what?

It's important. Can I come over?

Now?

Yes.

I stepped inside the apartment, internally battling on what to say. No?

Why now? We haven't talked

I know, I'm sorry. But I'm so scared, I need you

I was alarmed then. Katherine never admitted she was scared. But it was so weird and this had been out of the blue.

Fine.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

There was an urgent knock at the door, I got up from the dining room table and made sure it was Katherine before I threw the door open.

She looked terrible. Her skin was pale, blue circles underneath her eyes. She wrung her hands together nervously, her face completely devoid of any color except for the red smeared on her lips.

"Hi." She cracked, trying to smile.

I struggled to talk, still taken aback by her appearance. "What's wrong?"

She burst into tears then, stepping forward and gripping onto me like a child. "I messed up Carmen. I messed up so badly."

"What are you talking about?"

The words broke out of her in a gasp. "I'm pregnant."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Van:

I was going to call her. My finger was hovering right above her contact name, but I drew it back, locking my phone and tossing it on the bed. I huffed out a breath, lying on my side and looking at the dull colored wall.

"Van." Larry knocked loudly on the door, turning the lock. "Come on then lad, let me in."

"Not now Larry." I called out.

"Come on! I'm not your mum and I'm not going to treat you like a baby. So open the damn door." He kicked it. I slowly slid out of bed and threw the door open, walking towards the window, my back to Larry. "What's wrong then? The lads say you haven't done much except show up to the studio and lock yourself up in your room."

"I don't know. I just wanna disappear for a bit, is that so bad?"

"No, but it's not a bit you're doing this for." He stood next to me. "Who's Abby?"

"Abby? She's just a friend." I waved a hand.

"Who kisses you?"

"Lemme guess, Bondy told you? Never can keep his mouth shut." I snapped.

"Thought you would tell me first, but that's beside the point. Why are you acting like an arse?"

"Because I feel like one? Because I am one? I don't know, it's pretty obvious."

"You should be feeling like you're on top of the world right now."

"I know, but that's why I'm such a damn shitty person. Because I don't feel it."

"Why not?"

"Because." I struggled for words. "Because I feel like I'm the shittiest boyfriend in the world."

He stayed silent. "Because of the kiss?"

"Because I want to start this without anyone by my side." I finally snapped.

"What?"

"I don't... I don't want her to have me promise to call when I don't. You know we're going to tour a couple of weeks after the album drops? And it's gonna be a six month long tour?"

"I did help oversee it, yes." He said.

"I just, I think I need a year alone. I think I want to just dedicate myself to the music. I want to get fucking lost in this tour and in this damn business without having that constant whisper of her staying up just to have me phone." My voice cracked.

"Are you saying you want to end it then?"

"God damn, that's the thing. If I end it, I think I'll fucking go mad Larry boy. And sometimes just to hear her voice makes me want to fly back and see her. But I can't give her the attention she deserves, the love she deserves."

"Jesus Christ Van, you're torturing yourself mate."

"You know I invited her down here, telling her to come visit before we tour? I just needed to tell her something to prove that she's still in my mind. To make her have that faith in me." I leaned against the window. "Because I need to her to believe in me like that. I need her to love me, even if I think about ending things sometimes. Because I don't want her to care for anybody or love anybody else like she loves me. And I know that makes me a damn selfish prick, but I don't think I can stop it."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Carmen:

"No you're not." I mumbled, while she clutched onto me, her body wracking with sobs. "Katherine." I straightened her up. She kept sniffling, her face now flushed red. "Katherine, you aren't pregnant."

"I am." She said in a tiny voice. "Can you believe it? Me, the most fucked up person in the world, about to have a baby."

"I...how- Whose is it? Wait." I did the time in my head. I hadn't even thought about it.The guys had left about two months before, and a week later Katherine and I had stopped talking. Eight weeks was a good enough time for...a baby to form, or develop, whatever. "Is it Benji's?"Her mouth opened and closed like a fish. She looked hard at the ground. "Katherine."

"I don't know ok?"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"After the guys left. I was so angry, you remember don't you? I was so angry that Benji wasn't answering my calls, I hooked up with this guy out of revenge. It was a spur of the moment thing. But I, I don't know. It could be Benji's."

"Didn't you guys use protection?"

"Well yeah, sometimes." She shook her head,hugging herself. "But I don't know. I'm so scared Carmen, I don't want this baby."

"Well then what are you going to do? Did you go to the doctors?"

"No. I just took a test yesterday, and today. I thought I was hungover, but guess it was morning sickness."

"God Katherine."

"I don't need you to judge me Carmen." She snapped. I wanted to snap right back at her, but my hands shook and I tried to fight the rising want to do so.

"Ok, well here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna go back home, and then tomorrow, you're going to make an appointment to go see a doctor."

"Can you come with me? Please." She grabbed my hands, her face downright pleading.

"I'll try. And then we'll see what happens. Ok?" She nodded.

"And you're going to not drink anymore. And no weed or smoking, understand?"

"Sure mom." She responded. I took a deep breath.

"And that's the next thing. You're gonna have to tell your mom eventually if this is really happening."

"Oh god no." She moaned.

I didn't know what else to say. "You have to."

She stood up, moving back towards the door. "Ok, I'm gonna go. Carmen?" She turned to me. "Thanks really. For even speaking to me after what happened between us. I'm sorry."

"Drive safely." I waited until she shut the door then slid back into my chair, opening my laptop up. I really hoped everything worked out, because it seemed like nothing was doing so now.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I walked into work, having spent a long night tossing and turning thanks to Katherine and Van. Katherine because she was actually really scaring me now. And Van because he was really trying me. It's almost like he didn't care enough to pick up the phone and give me a ring. I was tired of doing it all the time, even if hearing his voice was the biggest pick me up of the day.

"Carmen, good morning sunshine." Zach took three giant gulps of coffee, leaning back against his chair and putting his hands on his head.

"Yeah, sure ok." I plopped down on my chair, moving my computer mouse to wake it up.

"Coffee?" Zach slid a cup in front of me. I nodded, grasping it.

"Thank you."

"Anytime." A beat of silence passed between us. He turned and sat down. Ella burst into the office, grasping onto a stack of folders.

"Good morning! Busy day today!" She plopped down on her chair. "Carmen, don't you have class today?"

"It's at three."

"Great, that gives you enough time to finish those papers I needed. And also honey, don't forget the press writeups I was wondering if you could do?"

I nodded solemnly, taking another gulp of coffee and beginning to open up documents.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"Hey it's me. I um made an appointment for today at five. Call me." I hung up the voicemail, rubbing my eyes and trying to focus on my tasks.

"Hey Carmen?"

"Yes?"

"No offense, but you look like a zombie."

"Thanks." I said dryly.

Zach shrugged. "Something must have happened in the span between last night and this morning."

I felt like a bubble ready to burst. It seemed, for not the first time in my life, that I had no one I could think to call. Well the person I wanted to call was just unavailable. And he would be for the longest time. I gulped unsteadily, looking at my computer. "It's nothing."

"It's something."

"It's not." I snapped. I instantly regretted it. Zach was sort of my boss a little. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Ella burst into the office, needing to talk to Zach about something. I turned back to my computer, slipping away when the time of my class loomed nearer.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"Hey are you almost here yet?"

"I don't think I can make it. I just got out of class. I'm sorry, let me know how it goes." I heard silence and then an intake of breath.

"Yeah ok. I'll see you later." She hung up.

I didn't want to go home. But I didn't know what else to do. I stopped by a little liquor store on the way to the apartment, buying some cheap red wine to see if it would make me feel more at ease, or at least momentarily relax me.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Van:

All the lads were asleep and I was sitting on the couch, drinking cup after cup of tea and playing around with my cell phone. I'd check her name just to make sure it was there. I hadn't phoned in a couple of days, and I could've kept the streak going.

But I knew she'd be awake and I had nothing else to lose.

It rang and it rang. Maybe it was a sign that I should hang up before she'd answer.

"Hello?"

"Hello." I swallowed.

"Van?" Her voice cracked.

"It's me love."

"Why haven't you called?"

My skin grew hot. "You know how it is love."

"I wish you'd call more." Her voice sounded slow, as if she were struggling to talk. "I feel like you don't love me anymore."

"Don't be mad. Are you ok? You sound...off."

"I am off. You turn me off and then you turn me on Van." Something shattered on her end. "Whoops."

"Have you been drinking?" I whispered.

"Just some sips. So is it true then?"

"Sounds like more than that. Is what true?"

"That you don't love me?"

"Don't say that."

"If I had a baby would you love me again?"

"Carmen what are you saying?"

"I'm just saying, maybe since Katherine"- Something else fell on her end. A loud thump resonated through my ear. "Whoops. Babies make so much noise don't they? And all they do is cry and eat and poop."

"Carmen love, lie down please. Close your eyes and sleep it off. Call me later and we can talk normally. Just go to sleep now please, so you don't hurt yourself."

"It almost sounds like you're begging me right now Van."

"I beg you Carmen, to go sleep it off. I'd take you to bed and make sure you don't do anything dumb. Just go lie down and tell me when you are, so I can have some peace of mind."

"I don't think I'll have peace knowing that you don't like me anymore. Zach said it's not my fault."

"What's not your fault?" I gripped the phone to my ear.

"That you don't love me." She sighed.

"Zach's a prick and I love you. And I always will."

"I don't believe you."