《You Give Me Problems (Van McCann)》When I'm Most in Need of It
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Van:
"The person you're trying to reach is not avail"-
I hung up the phone, letting it drop back on the bed.
She'd left two hours ago, and she hadn't been picking up the phone. I lit a cigarette and stood next to the open window, blowing out the smoke through the screen. I had a bad taste in my mouth, but I certainly didn't think I had to apologize for anything.
She just needed to see where I was coming from. That Zach fellow was obviously on to her. And I was not going to let him try anything on her, even if I pissed her off in the process.
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Carmen:
"You want another drink?" He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bar.
I shook my head, feeling a bit lightheaded. My mouth seemed to be moving too slow, but I was trying to reach my point fast. "No, I'd rather not. This was amazing. Wait, why are they taking pictures of that guy?" I looked over at the man who was posing by the entrance to this place.
"Well the owner of the company rarely makes an appearance, so when he does it's like getting a glimpse of a movie star." Zach bumped against me.
This was like the glamour events they showed in the movies, except ten times better. There were waiters everywhere, carrying around dishes and glasses of champagne. I didn't realize what we were exactly supposed to be doing, until Zach informed me.
"It's all about making Thredz look good to anyone who listens."
This was a party to celebrate some big business platform's anniversary. Thredz had scored an honorable mention so we had to be on top of it. Zach had immediately greeted some guy, launching into a full on conversation. He'd introduced me to loads more people, but it was too many names to keep track of.
Now the party was dying down and I guess we'd done pretty well. Or Zach had. I was just a bumbling intern trying to get it together.
"I should probably get home." I yawned into my hand, checking my phone. I had four missed calls. No difficulty guessing who it was.
"Are you ok to drive?" Zach looked at me and frowned.
"I'm fine." My legs wobbled a bit as I stepped forward. I almost tripped but two hands grabbed my waist.
"Careful." Zach's breath was too close to me. I snapped away, bringing my arms to my chest.
"I'm fine. It was just like one drink."
"Um, you're walking funny. And it was three. I'll give you a ride, no buts."
"I swear I'm fine."
"Listen, if you're worried about you car, we can come back for it tomorrow."
"No, it's not that." It's that my boyfriend thinks you want to sleep with me. I shook the thought away, scratching my collar. "I guess it's alright then. I can come back for my car tomorrow."
"No worries, I got you."
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I fumbled with my keys, jiggling the knob. The key kept getting stuck in the knob. The door swung open, making me stumble forward into a pair of hands.
"Have you been drinking?" His voice cut harshly through the silence. I moved to shut the door, ignoring his question. "Carmen"--
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"It was just like two drinks, I'm fine."
"Did you drive here? You could've called. You know, actually responded to my calls maybe."
"I didn't drive here. I got a ride." I kicked off my shoes, running my hands through my hair.
"Who?" He paused, his jaw tensing. "Zach huh?"
"It was just a ride." I mumbled, walking down the hall towards the bedroom. "Besides, don't forget I'm still mad at you." My legs shook for a moment, but I brought a hand to the wall to steady myself.
"I should be the one still mad at you. But I guess I can't be cause all I wanna do when I see you is kiss you." He said quietly.
"Nice try Van. You can't sweet talk your way out of this one." I moved to my drawers, kicking off my dress to change.
"I'm not trying to. Besides, I don't have to apologize for anything."
I laughed dryly. "Oh ok, good to know."
"You want me to leave then? Considering you're still mad at me." He leaned against the door, crossing his legs. My heart sunk, but I turned away and walked towards my mirror.
"I can't give in to your tantrums Van." I said quietly, pulling my hair up into a ponytail.
"My tantrums?" He laughed humorlessly. "You're out there getting drinks with some guy who very obviously wants you, but I'm the one throwing tantrums?"
I didn't respond, but I had to face him to try and get to the bathroom. He stood still at the door, arms crossed.
"Let me through please." I huffed.
"No."
"Van, I swear."
He stepped to the side then, and I exited the room and shuffled to the bathroom, locking the door behind me and standing over the sink. My head still felt very light, but there was something thudding in my ribcage now.
I did my business and stepped into the hall. Van wasn't in my room anymore. In fact, after a quick walkthrough, he wasn't in the apartment. I tried to keep my anxiety low as I looked to the front door. It was unlocked.
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Van:
I ended up walking to some bar a mile down from the apartment complex. It was old and looked shady, but it was open twenty four hours, so that was good enough for me.
I slid down on the barstool, rubbing my temples with both hands. Carmen was a little tipsy, but she was pretty much in her right mind. And I felt like if I'd stayed there any longer we would've had an even bigger fallout.
"What can I get ya?" The bartender leaned across the bar.
"Oh um, I'll get a whiskey."
"Nah boy, try the wine. We've got the finest red wine here!" He gestured to some bottles right in the center of his variety.
This place did not strike me as the type of place known for its wine, but I just needed something for my nerves. "Sure then, just give me it."
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This was mighty damn good wine. I drained the second glass, feeling warm and definitely not angry. In fact, I didn't even need to worry about the situation with Carmen. It either would work out or it wouldn't.
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I met this nice lad named Don. He told me all about his marriage and his kids. "Don't get married, it'll ruin you for life." I poured my third glass.
"I got a girl right now. I think I'd like to marry her. But then I want to be a rockstar. I think she gets mad about it sometimes, cause I'm so far away." I drank from my glass, somehow I drank half of it in three gulps. "But that's what happens ya know? I've been wanting to be big since I was twelve years old. And I would die to get there."
"You gotta do what you gotta do." He mumbled.
"Yeah yeah Don, you're absolutely right mate! Man, I decide my own life. I don't need anybody to do it for me. Hell, I don't even need anybody. I don't need her...or anybody." I poured another glass of wine, spilling some on the counter.
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Carmen:
I woke up to the sound of excessive slamming and my name being shouted.
"Van, where were you?" I squinted at him, crossing my arms. He shrugged, his body swaying as he stepped underneath the doorway.
"You look a bit underslept darling."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
He brushed past me, crashing onto the couch. "It means you look like you need more sleep. Your face can get affected from that ya know."
"Ok, first you get drunk, then you come screaming at like four in the morning, and now you're basically calling me ugly." I shut the door, clenching my fists.
"I'm not. But you know what I've figured?" His voice rose a bit as he shrugged out of his jacket.
"Shhh, I have neighbors Van."
"I figured I don't need anybody Carmen! Cause I'm gonna make it big. And I don't need anybody to do it, but me." His voice lowered. He slid down on the couch, eyes dangerously close to shutting. "I don't need you or no one."
I know he was drunk, but his words still stung. It wasn't always the best to be told you weren't needed, especially by your drunk boyfriend.
His eyes were shut now, his breathing quiet. I turned the lights off and left him there, retreating to my room.
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"I'll see you later Zach." I slid behind the wheel of my car, turning the engine on and beginning the ride home. My stomach clenched when I thought of what was waiting for me there. Would Van even remember what he'd said?
He was still asleep, curled up on the sofa. I'm glad Jesse hadn't been here the last two days to make more awkward this very awkward situation we were in, but it would only be a matter of time before she popped back in from vacationing with her boyfriend.
"Van." He stirred, mumbling. "Van."
"Hm?" He sat up, rubbing his eyes. He visibly winced, dropping his head in his hands. "What?"
"You're lying on the floor. Go to my room if you want." I straightened up, but his hand grabbed mine.
"Wait I, where were you last night?"
"I was here." I answered, moving down next to him.
"No I mean, where were you before?"
"You don't remember?"
He quieted, the tension thick. "Nevermind."
"Do you remember anything from last night?" I was partly amazed and partly worried. If he didn't remember much from last night, that probably wasn't very good.
"I remember....you getting back...and then me drinking some damn good wine. Guess that was also some very strong wine." He tried to laugh, but then he just shut up. I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I almost wanted to bring up what he'd said, but then I didn't want to bring up the argument we'd had before.
"I'll get you some water." I moved to the kitchen.
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Van:
My head hurt for another two hours. Carmen was awfully quiet next to me, her hand stroking mine thoughtfully, as she looked at the television.
Had I said something? I didn't remember anything from going to the bar and onward. Must've been some very strong wine. I didn't even think that was possible, for wine to actually fuck you up so badly. I knew I should've said something, because I did remember some of the things we'd said to each other before; but basking in this moment, pretending things were alright, it was nice.
"Hey mate." She was in the bathroom, and I was standing near the window.
"Any chance you'll come back soon then? Rich is getting pretty mad." Bondy said. "Larry came down too, he said you talked to him about Carmen. I don't get it Van, if you're having problems, why won't you leave then? You both need some space already, and you need to come back before we lose the best thing that's ever happened to us."
I ran a hand through my hair. "I can't just leave like this. I feel like we're a few steps away from falling out for good, and I don't want to."
"Would you stay then? Would you give up everything we've worked for to keep your girl?"
My chest tightened. I ached for a cigarette, but I hadn't gotten a new pack. "I....I'll catch a flight back there tomorrow. It's good, we're ok."
She came out, just as I was hanging up. It was good she hadn't gone into her internship today or I would've gone mad. "Is everything good Van?"
"I need to go. Rich is all over the lads for me."
"Oh ok, I get it. You need to go back and finish what you started." She said weirdly, looking around.
"Yeah." I said slowly.
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There was a flight leaving in the early morning the next day. I packed all my stuff up and she drove quietly towards the airport, biting her thumbnail after she parked the car.
We walked side by side, occasionally bumping into each other until we reached the final gate Carmen could join me in.
The weird tension between us made me want to yell, and her seeming indifference to it all was unnerving. My lips met hers for a moment, and it made something squeeze in my throat, because I knew I could've told her then about everything I was afraid of, like how it felt like there was something wedged between us now, and how it seemed like this was a goodbye that was too concrete and bigger than usual.
She looked me in the eyes, and smiled sadly. "Let me know that you get home safely."
"I will. Love you."
"Love you."
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