: *carrying all the groceries in both arms*

: *reaches out to help*

: *switches all the groceries to one arm to holds their hand*

: that's not what I- ok

--

Do you think birds get sad because they don't have arms?

Uhh, do you get sad for not having wings?

Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

--

: the recipe says beat two eggs

: in what? Hand to hand combat?

: must be?

: get out of the kitchen immediately.

--

Don't worry Phil, we won't be making the same mistakes

Yeah, we're going to be making new ones

And they're going to be way worse than the last ones

--

You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Oh yeah? You're the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

I'm leaving you, and I'M TAKING JAMBO WITH ME

*picks up the monopoly board* I think we're gonna stop playing now.

--

I'm having a midlife crisis.

You're eighteen.

--

you don't get to choose your biological family.

you don't get to choose your found family either!! buckle up bitch!!

--

well i'm going through a bit of a rough patch

whole year actually

--

hey Sap, can you wake up Karl and Quackity for me?

yeah sure

*bangs open door* HEY Quackity WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU LAZY ASS RAT!.....hey Karl can you please wake up. Y?N is making breakfast and I love you!

*tired and confused* wtf???

--

TOMMY!!!!!

y-yeah?

*points to Wilbur's car*

OH FUCK-

--

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. ...It's a nice idea, but in reality bees do not disobey any laws of physics.

--

Good morning everyone, god has let me live another day and I'm about to make it everyone's problem

--

Tommyreally thinks you can't stand him...

oh, I can't

--

*stubs toe* F-

Language!

*bangs toe for dramatic effect* Woe is I

--

George, Sapnap! The town is exploding and it's very pretty!

--

[crying]

Tommy, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Wilbursaid he didn't like my drawing! [cries]

it can't be that bad, lemme see-[looks at it bREAKS THE SOUND BARRIER] AAAAAAHAHAHAHA

--

*kicks the door down looking panicked*

what did you do?

nobody died.

WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

--

addressing the dream team: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.

But – that's just a trash can.

It sure is!

--

You spent $68 on hair conditioner?

A small price to pay for self-esteem.

--

what are you doing?

helping Tubbo look for his cookie that i ate an hour ago.

--

: where's Tommy?

: ...who's Tommy?

--

: if i were a gardener, i'd put our tulips together.

: awww!

: *smirks at Quackity over Karl's shoulder*

: hey, Y/N. if i were a gardener, you'd be my hoe.

: wow... thanks?

--

sorry i'm late. i was doing... stuff.

SHE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS-

--

don't let Y/N fool you. They're not scary. They used to take ballet.

which gives me the physical skills I need to strangle someone with my feet.

--

you make me angry so quickly. it's remarkable.

I literally said, like, six words!

yet here I am, boiling with hate.

--

if i said that i was gay, would you believe me?

yes.

--

how many fingers am i holding up?!

Chris, i fell off my skateboard. i'm not dying.

--

what are you doing?

eating Chandler's ice cream.

where is Chandler?

looking for his ice cream.

--

Does your cowboy want to tag along?

Oh, please don't call Sapnap that

What, he'd find it insulting?

No, he'd love it

--

Tommy, my old friend!

I think you tried to kill me at some point...

That was just my way of saying hello!

--

on a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain

emotional, physical, or mental?

...all of them?

47

--

Tom Simons is seriously the biggest jerk on the face of the Earth.

How do you know him?

Oh, he's one of my best friends.

--

Imma get me a glass of wine.

(drinks straight from the bottle)

--

Well, well, well, if those aren't the consequences of my acts... Huh.

--

I'm gonna mix a can of Monster with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

--

sorry I called you an asshole, I assumed you already knew

--

I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree.

--

it's a horrible neighbourhood, okay? there are youths everywhere

youths!

--

: We need to distract them-

: Leave it to me.

: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

: *Immediately begin arguing*

: Oh this. I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

--

Wake me up...

Before you go go!

When September ends...

WAKE ME UP INSIDE-

--

I need to dye my hair.

: ...

Or get another tattoo

...

Or a new piercing

Why?

To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods

--

*Coming out of Sapnap's room with messy hair*

*Coming out of Dream's room with messy hair*

...

...

Pretend like this never happened?

Yes.

--

My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons.

--

Someday, I'll get my life together. But not today, because today I'm driving a stolen cop car

--

[In the back of a police car]

: the lights green, you can go

--

Let's play a game called how many cups of coffee will get me through the day.

--

: Why are you eating an entire cake?

Because somewhere in the world, it's someone's birthday.

Also I'm annoyed with Wilbur and refuse to share.

: I said I was sorry.

: Sorry DOESN'T BRING MY ICED CARAMEL LATTE BACK, NOW DOES IT?!?!

--

and then I called him Wilby

and then he called me Wilby :)

--

Phil tells me you had a fight a school...

Yeah.. I did..

We didn't send you to school to do that..

I'm sorry..

*Techno closes the door*

Did you win?

Hell yeah.

--

You're receiving a ticket for carrying three people on one motorcycle.

Shit.

Wait, did you just say three?

Yes?

OH MY GOD we forgot Y/N at the gas station

--

Is there a sign we should watch for if something goes wrong?

if I get shot, or scream "fuck."

--

-even Y/N and I have been getting closer! Last week, they gave me half his sandwich!

...I mistook him for a garbage can....

--

oh hey Wilbur, time for a daily check-in. is there anything you're supposed to be doing?

..maybe

are you going to do it?

perhaps

--

Damnit, Tommy!

What?! Why are you blaming me!?

Sorry, force of habit. Damnit, Techno!

Wasn't me either!

Then who set L'Manburg on fire?!

*whistles while rocking back and forth*

--

Why are you like this?

I used too much 'No More Tears' shampoo as a child and haven't felt a single emotion since then.

--

You disgust me.

I realize this and don't care.

--

Bold of you to assume I'm funny. I'm just brutally honest

Nobody asked

.....well that was just rude

Well I was just being honest

--

Aimsey, do you think you'd be able to tell if someone was standing right behind you?

sure!

[stares into camera like he's on the office]

--

Hey, wanna help me commit arson?

What the hell!?

Oh, sorry, my bad.

Wanna help me commit arson?

Of course. What do you need?

--

: i had a weird dream last night

: what is it

: i was in court for letting the dog eat a flower and apparently it was discriminating against the other flowers-

:

: i just asked if you guys slept well-

--

You know, it's at times like this that I wish I had listened to what Wilbur told me.

What did he tell you?

I don't remember. I wasn't listening.

--

KSI slapped me so hard my airpod flew out

--

i middle parted my hair today

u look like an e-girl

--

i left my water bottle in science yesterday and now i'm scared to drink it because i'm scared someone poisoned it

--

* almost knocks water bottle off his desk*

NOT AGAIN!! this is the 5th time today!!!

--

oh be careful on those steps! 4 people have already slipped on them today!

*slips* FIVE PEOPLE

--

i accidentally made direct eye contact with him while he was being a privileged white boy that thinks he's bad in the back of a cop car but he is in the upper middle class in a 300,000 dollar home with 2 married parents and a golden retriever

--

Where the fuck is Dream?

It's raining out, maybe he melted.

--

Tommy, can I talk to you for a moment? In private.

Ooh, someone's in trouble! It's me, I don't know why I said that.

--

*watching L'Manburg burn down*

*starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

--

You remind me of the ocean.

Because I'm deep and mysterious?

No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.

--

*streaming*

You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games?

*silence*

*silence*

...You two never went to sleep, did you?

Yeah...

--

*chases bird* the only time anything has ever been intimidated by me in my life

--

*playing with scissors*

GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF IT!

WHY?!

--

Are you busy?

Yes.

Cool, listen to this.

--

You're smiling, did something good happen?

I can't smile just because I feel like it?

Tommy tripped in the parking lot.

--

Can you please be serious for five minutes?

My record is four, but I think I can do it.

--

Do you ever think? Because I do not.

--

To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am prettier than you.

--

What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?

IT.

Annabelle.

Paranormal Activity.

High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.

--

Have I ever told you that you cook well?

Awww, no, you haven't!

So why do you keep cooking?

--

I found a valve marked "Danger, do not turn."

You didn't turn it, did you?

Of course I did!

--

don't break my pen

I won't

*breaks pen* uhhh

--

Sometimes i'm just so rad it boggles the mind.

--

How good of a mood are you in?

What did you do this time?

--

*crying*

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.

*cries harder*

--

*picking out a phone charger*

Do you think this is long enough to tie a noose?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

--

*sleeping on the couch*

[front door opens]

Karl!!!

What?

I CAUGHT A BIRD! *muffled chirping sounds*

That's nice.

...

WAIT WHAT?! PUT IT BACK!!!

--

What the hell are you doing?

Honestly, most of the time I have no idea.

--

How dumb do they think we are?

Sometimes Y/N leaves me pictures of food instead of the shopping list.

--

Are you even listening?

Yes, it just takes me a while to process so much stupid.

--

Will you be quiet?!

I didn't say anything!

Well stop thinking so loud!

--

Never, EVER, egg the wrong house.

You didn't egg my house, you THREW A BRICK THROUGH MY WINDOW!

IT WAS DARK AND I DROPPED AN EGG I COULDN'T SEE WHAT I WAS PICKING UP

HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL A BRICK FROM AN EGG?!?

--

How many kids do you have?

Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

--

I was put on Earth to do one thing. Luckily, I forgot what it was so I can do whatever I want.

--

Wilbur, what gets out kool aid stains?

We already know the opposite color Kool Aid doesn't work

--

My life is in the hands of an idiot!

No no no no no, TWO idiots!

--

*loud thudding noise*

What was that?

A box fell down the stairs.

That sounded a lot louder than just a box.

...Tommy was in it.

--

[On a nature hike]

It's beautiful out here.

And quiet.

...Too quiet.

Did we lose someone?

[cut to Karl and Sapnap arguing while fighting whose fault it is for getting lost in the first place]

--

hit me with another.

this is your tenth drink Tubbo.

did i fucking stutter?

*sighs*

*hands him a caprisun*

thank you very much.

--

Phil, I want a pony for Christmas.

I don't even think I'll make it to Christmas-

--

Oh, fiddlesticks.

Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.

--

I am bed, bath, and beyond disappointed with you all.

--