.

My nights are restless. Dreams of Courtney and the night in the woods haunt me. They start with her scream, and as hard as I try to stay out of the woods I always end up back in them, unable to find Jax and ending at Courtney's lifeless mangled body. Her face, what did they do to her face? My screams wake me, my bed soaked in sweat and bile in the back of my throat. My body and mind are both exhausted.

Tonight was no exception. I wake at three in the morning, screaming, drenched, grasping for air that Courtney never found. I rip my sheet off of me and run across the hall just in time to throw up everything I attempted to eat yesterday. My gut contracts every time I think of my best friend dead on the ground. I can't even tell which sounds are coming from me, the sobs, the violent heaves, the screams, all of them? My body shakes as I curl up on the floor in a ball.

"Gabs..." Sydney stands in the doorway with a horrified look upon her face. I cover my face and cry so hard I can't breathe. "Gabby, come on what can I do to help?" She kneels beside me on the floor.

"You can't help Syd, I wish you could." I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them.

"Do mom and dad know you're screaming and puking all night?" She grabs my hair and pulls it back, removing a hair-band from her wrist and putting it up into a messy bun.

I shake my head no.

"What about Jax? Does he know?"

"No." I sigh. Everyone has enough on their plate Syd. Dad is just as fucked up after that as I am. Jax has enough to worry about. His little sister is gone. He doesn't need to worry about me right now."

"Well someone does Gabby. Because you are not yourself. This is not normal. If you don't talk to one of them about this I will."

"I have an appointment today, okay? I just need to get my meds sorted out. I'm taking the anxiety pills out they just aren't cutting it. I think I need an antidepressant. Then I'll be fine." I wipe the sick from my lips with a piece of toilet paper and press my eyes closed tight.

Sydney stands and starts the shower, testing the water every few seconds with her hands before motioning me to go towards it. "Get in, Gabs. I'll go grab you new pajamas."

I don't fight her on this. I feel gross. I look worse. I literally have to peel my clothes off of me. Sydney takes them and hands me a towel.

"Please don't tell mom and dad." I call out to her before she leaves the room. Her big blue eyes meet mine. "Please Syd. They already look at me like I'm damaged."

"Be honest with Jax then, Gabby. You know he would never look at you like that. He will understand." She walks out and leaves me in the room alone in in the room.

I turn the water so that it's cold, jolting me to an even more awake state. I'm not sure I want to fall back asleep, I can't handle anymore nightmares tonight. It takes a few minutes to adjust, but chilly water cools my skin back down.

Once I finish calming down and cleaning myself I slide into the oversized t-shirt that Sydney set out for me with a pair of old gym shorts and return to my room. I smile when I see Sydney in my bed, TV on with Mean Girls queued up, and popcorn bucket in hand. This is exactly what I needed. I crawl in beside her, throwing a blanket over our legs and I set my head on her shoulder.

"You're the best, you know that?"

She laughs and begins the movie. "I'll remind you of that Gabby."

<><><>

Sydney and I never set an alarm thinking we wouldn't fall asleep, but we did. We both frantically run around the upstairs of our home as she prepares for her last day of school and me for my appointment. Luckily I don't require as much 'upkeep' as my younger sister and it only takes me twenty minutes before I'm out the door.

"Books!"

My eyes dart from my car to my favorite neighbor. He's standing in his doorway in nothing but some dark gray pajama pants. I smile his way before meeting him in his driveway.

"You're home!" I toss my arms over his shoulders. He wraps those strong tattooed arms around me and gives me one of his best hugs yet.

"I'm home." He whispers and places a kiss on cheek. "I'm sorry for pushing you yesterday. I love you and I'm just worried about you."

"I know, Alfie. I'm running late for my appointment though. Let's talk about it later okay? We will be completely honest with each other. No more secrets. You tell me what's worrying you about town and Courtney's murderer and I need to talk to you about my nightmares."

His face scrunches with confusion. "Are the nightmares getting worse?"

I pull away and sigh. "Not worse, they're the same. I just haven't told you the whole truth about my sleeping behavior as of late. But you talk to me and I'll talk to you, deal?" His eyes roll, apparently this isn't something he wants to talk about yet. "Jax?"

"Fine" he mutters. "You can't tell anyone what we talk about tonight, and you can't freak out. Everything is fine, I'm fine." I'm not sure what I could possibly freak out about at this point.

"Deal." I give him a nod and begin snapping my rubber bands on my wrist. "Do you still want me to ask my doctor today if she will take you on as a patient or refer you?"

His head drops and he nods. At least he's admitting he needs help. His hand grips my wrist to stop the snapping and he pulls me close for another hug. "I love you, Gabby. We will be okay."

I place both hands on his cheeks and tug him down to me for a kiss. "I love you too" I whisper to his lips. I pull away, knowing now I'm definitely going to be late for my appointment. But then I think of something and grab his wrist. "Wait Alfie." He stops and watches me close as I tug my favorite purple rubber band from my wrist and slide it onto his. "For when your anxiety gets bad."

He chuckles and gives it a little snap against his own wrist and then gives me another quick kiss. "Thanks, Books."

"I'll see you tonight!" I wave him off as I run back to my car.

My typical thirty-minute jaunt to town takes me twenty this time. Thank goodness I didn't meet my dad on the highway. I can't even imagine the lecture I would get for the rate of speed I would have been clocked at. I make it to my doctors office with literally one minute to spare.

"Gabrielle?" The nurse calls my name before I even have time to sit.

"That's me."

I follow her back to my normal exam room and take my place up on the paper covered table.

"She'll be in in a few minutes. I need to draw some blood for your thyroid labs. We haven't done that in a while."

I nod and offer up an arm. Amazing how a year ago my stupid hypothyroidism was the only reason why I ever came to the doctor. I was never really a kid who ever got hurt or sick often. I think this is my fourth time here in less than six months. That tells you everything about how my year is going.

"Thanks dear. Shouldn't be long." She shakes her tube of blood and walks out. I chuckle at the SpongeBob Square Pants BandAid she put on me.

I barely have my sleeve down when there is a knock at the door and Dr. Stevens walks in. "Good morning Gabby, how are you today?" Her cheerful demeanor is all it takes. Everything I've been holding back floods my face. "Oh my..." She grabs tissues from behind her and hands them to me. I push them to my face and sob. "Gabby, how long have you been like this?" She quickly opens her laptop and begins typing.

"Someone murdered my best friend. My dad and I found her. I can't get it out of my head."

Her smile disappears. "Was this the teenager and Lake Lux?"

I take a deep breath and nod. "Yeah."

She sighs. "I'm so sorry, Gabby. We have a cabin out there and heard about it. That must have been terrible."

"I can't unsee it. She was..." I search for the right word. "Her face... it was... mangled. I can't picture what she looked like before. I only see her face like that."

She nods and continues typing. "That's not uncommon for people who go through something traumatic like that."

"I'm a mess. I can't barely eat. I can't sleep. I'm having terrible nightmares..."

"Tell me about them." She looks up to me. Her face shows me nothing but compassion, the same that Syd's did last night. I can only hope that Jax will keep calm as I tell him, he didn't see Courtney like I did.

"I hear her scream. It's terrible. It's the same scream we heard that night. The type of scream that only occurs when someone is truly terrified." I wipe my face. "But instead of running towards the woods, I try to run away from them, because I know what we are going to find."

"We?"

"My boyfriend, my dad and me." I clarify for her. "In the dream I feel like I need to protect us from what we are going to see. She was my boyfriend's sister. He has allergic reactions when he goes into the woods so I want to save him. And my dad... he's so sad since he tried to save her and couldn't. I feel like I need to save him from that. But every time we run from the woods somehow I end up back in them. Always above her body, screaming at what I'm seeing at my feet."

She nods. "Is that the only dream?"

"Yes. But I wake up soaked in sweat, screaming. Then I throw up for a good half hour."

She types a bit more on her computer and then looks up to me. "We might need to change your anti-anxiety med to something stronger. I think we should start you on an antidepressant on top of that. You don't have to stay on it, just long enough that we get you back to normal and then ween you off of it slowly."

"Okay." I agree. "My boyfriend... he's not doing good. He thinks it's his fault that he didn't get to her on time. He's on pills like this already but they aren't helping. Can you take a new patient and talk to him? Or refer him to someone?"

She gives me a smile. "I sure can. You just tell him to call and set up an appointment."

I give her the best smile I can come up with as I continue crying. I'm just thankful he's willing to talk to someone. I'm so worried he's going to get angry and not be able to control it this time. This time she's gone, he has no reason to control it.

"Ready for my questions? Then you're out of here."

"Ready." I nod.

"Do you smoke?" She begins as she clicks around on her laptop.

"No."

"Drink?"

I sigh and look at her. "I went to a party and drank on my meds. I wasn't thinking. I got my ass chewed and had the worst hangover of my life. Haven't drank since and I don't plan to."

She chuckles and continues. "Any recreational drug use?"

"No."

"Sexually active?"

"Yes." This damn question makes me cringe every time she asks. Literally I'm seeing this woman like once a month and my answer is different every time.

"Dates of your last cycle?"

My mouth opens to answer but nothing comes out. Fuck, when was my last cycle?

"Gabby?" Her eyes lift to me and she waits for an answer.

"I'm thinking..." I begin to panic and I pull out my phone to open my calendar. "I should have had it last week. I deliberately did not wear white pants to graduation for this reason..."

"Still on thyroid medication, birth control and your Xanax?"

"Mmhmm" I agree as I continue counting in my head. I seriously don't remember having one for the last few months. "The last one I remember was the last time I was here. But I'm on my birth control. I assure you I never miss it."

"Calm down" she giggles sweetly. "It's likely your anxiety Gabby. It can play cruel tricks on us girls and our hormones. The timing would be right. We have that blood work from your thyroid lab, I can have them run a pregnancy test."

I nod my head frantically as she calls the lab. No way am I pregnant. I just didn't notice the missing periods because of how fucking ridiculous my life has been lately. The anxiety totally makes sense.

"When did you start having sex again?" I can't bring myself to look at her. Why does this make me so uncomfortable around her when she asks this?

"Soon after my last appointment with you. The night of that party, actually. The one where I drank. My boyfriend was the one who got mad at me for mixing with my meds. He's been on his for a long time so he knew it was bad."

She sighs. "Quite the night..."

"You have no idea." My eyes roll. "How long does this test take?" I can't hide the fear in my voice. But I keep telling myself there is no possible way I'm pregnant.

"Just a few min-" The phone cuts her off. She swivels around in her seat to answer. "This is Dr. Stevens. Yes, Gabrielle Brooks." Her eyes lift to mine as she hesitates. "Okay. Thank you."

"Don't say it." My head shakes as I stand up.

"Gabby..."

"Don't!" I begin to sob as I fall to the floor. "I'm on birth control!"

She kneels beside me and rubs my back. "Gabby. We need to talk about this, okay? You're pregnant. We need to get you set up with an OB. And honey, I need to take you off of all the medications..."

"I'm not pregnant!"

"Gabby" she sighs. "The last time you were here you were given an antibiotic. Did you have intercourse while on it?"

"Yes? What does that have to do with anything? I had a cough! It doesn't make me extra fertile!"

"Okay honey. But the papers that the pharmacist gave you tell you that antibiotics break down estrogen, which is what birth control is. You can get pregnant on birth control when you're on that."

"Oh my God" I sob into my hands.

"You need to stop all the meds Gabby. I'll get you set up with someone to talk to, but there's nothing I can prescribe you right now. You need to start a prenatal vitamin." She pats my knee "deep breaths honey."

Fuck these deep breaths that everyone keeps telling me to take. I leave as quickly as I can. My hyperventilating begins as soon as I'm in my car.

I'm pregnant. Having a baby. Going to be a mom. Jesus, what am I going to tell my dad? Does Jax even want kids? We definitely never talked about kids. We are both disasters. I can't even sleep!

My fingers clutch my phone to call Jax, but I can't. I can't tell him this on the phone. No way can I tell my parents by myself. Sydney is at school and I refuse to tell Felix because he hates Jax.

"Fuck" I mutter as I try my damndest to stop my crying. I touch my stomach as if I'm going to feel something this early. "I'm so sorry little one. Your mom and dad are completely fucked up right now. I will try so hard for you." I just hope Jax is willing to try too. I already love this baby because it's ours. It's him and me. But this could break us if he isn't ready. And there is so much going on in our lives that him not being ready for this is a huge possibility. I need him for this. I need him always.

My drive home is much slower. My plan is to go straight to Jax first. Tell him. Then hopefully drag him with me to tell my parents. That should work, right? Wrong. Because when I get home I notice there are police cars parked at the Parker's house again. They've been there all week giving them updates on Courtney. So I know I can't go over there now.

"God damnit!" I hit the steering wheel I cry harder. I wish I had my best friend. She would know what to do. She would be over the damn moon right now to be an aunt. She would calm me and assure me that I can do this. I need my friend.

I can't bring myself to go into my house. Everyone will take one look at me and know something is wrong. New plan. Drive in circles until the cop cars disappear.

I go slow, keeping to our town speed limit of 20mph. I'll drive every street in town if I need to. But suddenly I find myself parked. Parked in front of a familiar house. My feet carry me quickly to the door and I hit it a few times, not knowing if anyone is home or what the hell I'm going to say.

I attempt one more time with my knocking as the door swings open. "Gabby..."

"Cole, I need someone to talk to."

He sees the panic in my face. His confusion is clear. He could easily tell me to fuck off right now. That's what I told him to do at Courtney's party when he told me to talk to Jax. He hesitates a few seconds, but walks out of his house and wraps his arms around me. "You can talk to me about anything. You know that."

My face buries into his chest as I bawl the words out loud. "I'm pregnant."

"Oh shit Gabs." He mutters and rubs my back. "Wasn't expecting that..."

A laugh escapes me and he pulls me in for a hug. "I don't know what to do."

"You'll be a great mom, Gabby. No doubt. You were always the level headed one."

"Not level headed enough to not get knocked up..."

"It'll be okay. Did you tell Jax yet?"

I pull away and look towards Cole as I shake my head. "Cops are there again to talk about Courtney, I'm assuming. I'm terrified to tell him. We never talked about this."

"Gabby that guy is crazy about you. No doubt. You should have seen him watching you that night. He was down because you wouldn't talk to him."

"I'm sorry I told you to fuck off."

He shrugs and smiles. "I deserved it. I knew you were telling the truth, I just didn't know what to say to make it better."

"Cole, will you hang out with me at my house until I can go tell Jax? My parents are going to bombard me with questions and I can't tell them until I tell Jax. He needs to be there with me, I can't do it with him."

He gives me a warm smile. "Yeah Gabs, I can do that." He shuts the door behind him and follows me to my car. He only lives about three blocks away from me so it takes no time at all to drive over.

"So when did you find out?"

My stomach twists. "Like an hour ago..."

"You told me first?" His eyebrow lifts.

"Yeah" I smile and park the car. His smile tells me he finds that pretty cool. I've missed him so much, and Morgan. Maybe it's the fact that I've seen first hand just how quickly a friend can be ripped away from me.

He walks me to the front door with a plan that we are just going to book it to my room and plan how I'm going to tell Jax. But when I open it I'm brought back to a situation that is similar to the day after the party where we were all in trouble. My mom and Sydney are both in tears on the couch. Felix is leaning against the wall between the living room and the kitchen. My dad is sitting in his chair and stands the moment I walk in the door.

"What's going on?" I look at everyone. "The doctor didn't call right? I'm eighteen they can't do that..."

"Gabby..." my dad cuts me off and his shoulders drop. His hand is up to prevent me from speaking.

"What?" I look around again. I feel sick. Something is wrong. "Someone fucking speak!"

"He's gone Gabby." My dad watches for a reaction.

"Who?" I ask, completely confused.

"Jax is gone."

My chest starts rising and falling rapidly. "He ran? Where did he go?!"

His head shakes. "No Gabby. He's gone. He had another anaphylactic attack, no one was home. His parents found him this afternoon."

"Oh my god" Cole mutters behind me and grabs me as I fall back into him. "Gabby..."