.

"Books..." Jax's voice twirls through my dreams. "Gabby... you awake?"

My eyes flutter open to the fluorescent light above me. "Ugh" I let out a groan. My body aches from staying in the same position in the hospital chair. As soon as I lift my head my neck and back both crack. "Christ I feel like I'm a million years old."

Jax's voice chuckles. Jax. My eyes dart to him and I let out a huge breath. He's okay.

"Afternoon, beautiful." He gives me the best smile he can; I'll take it.

I stand up quickly from the chair, toss my book to the floor and crawl into his bed. His arm wraps around me for me to place my head on his shoulder. He places a quick kiss on my forehead. "You scared the shit out of me Alfie. Stop scaring me. I can't lose you too."

"I'm sorry." He whispers and presses his warm lips back to my temple. I squeeze him hard, never wanting to let go.

"How long have you been awake? You should have woken me up."

"Like six hours."

I sit up quickly and pull my phone out of my pocket so I can tap my side button and view the time; it's four in the afternoon. "I slept for eight hours?!"

He chuckles against me as he pulls me close again. "I didn't mind. I liked having you here, kept my anxiety down. What were you reading?"

"Death on the Nile."

His chest tightens. Yeah, probably not the best choice at the moment. But I need to read a murder mystery to get the one I'm stuck in out of my head. Suddenly I regret telling him.

"Agatha Christie, huh?" He sighs and rubs his jaw line with his free hand. I know he's just trying to keep up conversation now, he's uncomfortable.

"Sorry." I murmur.

"It's fine Books."

He gets quiet as he fidgets with a loose string on my (okay, his) sweatshirt. I take this time to nuzzle my face into his neck, taking in his scent. It's mostly that hospital scent that I hate but mixed with a little bit of Jax; I like it. He nuzzles his cheek to my head in return.

"You're quiet. What are you thinking about?"

He sighs with his entire body. "I'm thinking about lots of things. My parents, Courtney, her case..."

"Are you upset that you couldn't be at her funeral?" I peer up to him.

"More that I wasn't there for my parents. But yeah."

I sit myself up straight and turn to him. "I didn't go." I watch his face. I feel as though he's going to hate me for this. What kind of friend doesn't go to their best friend's funeral? He doesn't say anything, just watches me. "I couldn't do it. I went early to see how I would react and I - I lost it."

He pulls me back down to him and wraps me tightly in his arms. "I get it Gabby, I do. I knew I could do the wake. The funeral is final. I was going to lose my shit too. She'd understand, you know she would."

I blink back the the tears and nod into his chest as he rubs my arms. "I feel like such a bad friend Alfie. Something was wrong with her. I should have tried harder to get it out of her. I feel so fucking selfish for not focusing on her more."

"You're not a bad friend. You were the best friend she ever had. You know how your friends abandoned you?" He pauses. "Hers did the same. That's why we left Illinois. They were fucking terrible to her, cruel even." His head shakes with anger as his chest tightens beneath me. "I hated those girls."

I place my hand on his cheek and feel the warmth from his anger. I gently use my palm to angle him down to me, meeting his green eyes. "Stay calm, okay?"

His pressed lips part as he lets out a breath. "Sorry" he mutters and released the tension. "You were the best friend she could have had. She was so worried to tell you the truth about her assault. You took it exactly how a friend should. You told her you were there to talk or to never bring it up if she didn't want to talk. That's what she needed. Someone who gave her a choice and remained sweet about it."

My hand stays on his cheek as I stroke it lightly with my thumb. "You were an awesome brother Jax. You know that, right?"

His tension returns, his eyes leave mine and dart towards the wall behind me. His jaw quivers as tears pool in the corners of his eyes and drop down his nose. I wipe them away. "I could have been so much better."

"No. You were the best. Don't think like that. You can't just tell me I was a great friend and not let me tell you how amazing you are. Felix found out about my rape at a party where my rapist was drinking with him. Did you hear him? As soon as Kane said I was drunk that night it was as if Felix assumed I was lying. YOU, Jackson Parker, never judged her. You helped heal her. You held her as she cried. You made her laugh when she didn't think she could. You kept being her friend and her protective brother. Plus you beat the shit out of her rapist which I think is pretty damn cool." He chuckles through his tears and nods. "So don't think that you could have been better, you were the best. This is going be hard. Hard on both of us, but especially on you. Keep level headed, don't ever worry that you weren't good to her."

He nods again agreeing. Good, because now I want to bring up something that's likely going to piss him off. "Now be honest with me. How bad is your depression right now?"

His eyes roll and he lessens his grip on me. "Jesus, am I going to get the same speech from you as I did your dad this morning?"

I shrug. I didn't realize he had talked to my dad this morning. "I'm just worried..."

"About?" His eyebrows lift.

"Raspberries..." I mutter.

"My depression is terrible right now, I will admit that. I don't know what the hell I touched yesterday. Or what I touched earlier in the week. It was just a coincidence Gabby. I'm not trying to off-myself with delicious fruit. I'm sure the other day I just touched something I had on from that night. Who knows? Yesterday someone could have been eating them and not washed their hands before going through the wake line. Don't let it bother you. I'll fill my prescription when I leave and I'll have you keep one pen with you and I'll keep the other on me."

He ends his rant, but I feel as though he just lied to me. Something about his eyes isn't truthful right now. For starters, they cut his clothes off in the ambulance, I watched them do it. I would assume he didn't get those back. But I decide to drop it because he's clearly not happy about this subject at the moment. I refuse to drop it entirely though, just putting it on the back burner.

"Okay" I agree with him. I make a mental note to buy myself a purse, I've always hated them but I'm keeping that damn pen on me at all times. "I think you should see someone for the depression though Jax. Don't let it get out of hand. I'm going to go see my doctor on Tuesday to start antidepressants with my anxiety medication. Do you want me to ask if she'll see you? Maybe she could up your dose or refer you to someone who can." He frowns and nods his head once. "Okay. I'll talk to her. She's nice."

"Okay my turn for discussion." He says as he keeps a bit of annoyance in his voice.

"Okay...?" I turn towards him again.

"We never finished our discussion that night, Gabby."

"You don't seriously think I'm going to leave for school in the fall after what happened?" I sit straight up and turn to him. "No way."

"Gabby..." he sighs and clutches the bridge of his nose.

"No." I reply again, more firm with my answer. This is not up for debate anymore.

"Give me a reason." He demands as his eyes burrow into me. "What's the main reason?"

I stare at him, unable to speak. He knows my answer. I'm not leaving him. Not now. Not ever.

"Jax..." My eyes roll. I need him to just let this go already.

"Tell me. Why are you not going? Because I know you've been accepted. And I know you want to go to school and study Lit. So tell me your reason. Be honest with me."

"You!" I yell, not meaning to be as loud as I am. "You. Okay?" I drop the volume this time and stand from his bed.

"I told you that night that I couldn't be your answer for that. You said you wanted to go somewhere other than UNI... which is fine."

"Well I changed my mind. You are my answer for that. And no, I don't want to go to UNI. Morgan, Cole and Felix will all be there. So that's where I don't want to be."

"So UNI? Iowa State?" Jesus, has he been Googling them for me? "University of Iowa? Drake? University of Dubuque..."

"Jax stop!" I glare at him. "I'm not going!"

"Damnit Books, why won't you leave this damn town?"

"It's not the town anymore Jax, I just said it's you! Just you! The night on the porch I honestly thought you were going to offer to come with me..."

"I was" he mutters and looks down.

"Right. But would you still leave if Courtney's case isn't solved? Because my dad thinks the evidence is shit. The rain took most of it..."

"I want you safe!" He yells sitting up straighter. "I want you out of this town while they figure out who did it. Then I will join you."

"What if they never solve it, Jax?" I begin to cry and shrug. I know this is what he doesn't want to hear. "I'm not leaving you here."

"There are things I can help with here. To move it along. I just..." his eyes search. "I need time. You need to go. It's not safe here."

"We don't even know if the person is still around! What if it was someone seasonal? They could have been at the lake for the day and plan to never return!" I throw my hands up and slap them back to my sides.

"It's not someone seasonal" his head shakes as he mutters.

My breath increases, my brows furrow with confusion. "Why would you say that? How do you know it's someone local? Do you know something?"

"No." He sighs. "Just let it go Gabby. Look into some schools. This could be solved before we know it. The person is still around... I can just feel it... Luxberg..." his head shakes with an awkward laugh. He's beginning to cry again. His depression is definitely not okay. "Luxberg is just fucked up. Court was right. Trust no one."

He's lying to me again, I can tell. Right now it's him I don't trust. I grab my book angrily from the floor and tuck it into the front pocket of my sweatshirt. I give him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I love you Alfie, even though I know you're lying to me." His eyes widen. "But I'm telling you the truth - so long as you are in Luxberg, I'm not going anywhere. I'm sure as shit not leaving you to go to college."

"Gabby!" He yells as I turn away.

I leave the room before he can tell me another lie.