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I hope u like this Chapter. I mean nobody is reading this yet but just in case... 😂

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We didn’t speak a single word on the way to the hospital.

I had eyeballed my image in the side mirror in the car and had immediately regretted it. I looked like a wreck.

My eyes were swollen and red, my mascara smeared and my hair messy and wet because it had started raining on our way out of the park.

My lip was still trembling a little and my face was so pale that I looked like a ghost. The atmosphere was tense, and I could feel that he would have probably loved to punch me in the face.

I knew he wanted to and so did I because he had been right.

I hadn’t even given him a choice and after he had had been so nice and understanding that evening that would have been the least he deserved.

I felt almost as bad as the day the doctors had told me about Charlie’s brain tumor.

Before the car even stopped, I had already jumped out. I just couldn’t take the icy atmosphere anymore.

I almost ran towards the hospital entrance and Damien followed me without saying a word.

When we entered the hospital, a few nurses and other people around gave us strange looks but none of us were bothered by that, especially considering that my vision was still blurred from my tears.

I was leading the way and I could feel Damien’s cold gaze burning holes in my back. With every step I took I got more nervous. I had been thinking how my meeting with Damien would go but this? What was I going to tell Charlie?

Of course, there had been times where he had asked why all the other boys at his kindergarten had daddies, and he didn’t but I had just told him that not every girl and boy had a mom and a dad and that one day I would explain to him why.

I hadn’t thought that that day would come so soon though.

The hospital was relatively empty during this time of day. Most patients were in their rooms and there weren’t a lot of visitors as it was Tuesday and most family members were in school or at work.

I pressed the button for the elevator and after a few seconds the doors slid open with a little Ping. We entered the elevator and I pressed the right button. The doors closed.

For the first time in 20 minutes, Damien looked me in the eyes.

“I will take care of everything. You won’t have to worry about anything, but there is one condition.”, he came up to me and looked me in the eyes.

I gulped. I had forgotten how tall he was.

I looked up to him, pressed against the elevator wall, while we started going upwards and I really started to hate the fact this was an old building and therefore the elevator moved way too slow for my liking.

“He is going to come to New York with me. He is going to get the best doctors and the best treatments there.”, he said in a low voice. It took me a while to understand.

I froze.

“What?” My voice was only a whisper now.

“But you can’t take him away from me.” I wasn’t a person that begged usually but I would for Charlie. Charlie was my whole life.

He snorted, sounding a little disgusted by me.

“I am not going to take him away from you. Not now, that I know how much it hurts.”, he responded, and I sighed in relief but at the same time I felt so unbelievably guilty.

He stretched out his hand and without even thinking about it I flinched and turned my head away, squeezing my eyes shut. It was an instinct of mine, ever since Malcolm had first hit me. But Damien’s hand didn’t connect with my face. He didn’t even try to hit me, I realized, slightly dizzy. Instead he had just pulled a leave from my hair that had been tangled up in it but when he saw my reaction, he froze.

“Oh my God, Ally, did you think I was going to-”, he seemed so hurt that he didn’t even finish the sentence. The elevator stopped and the doors opened. I couldn’t look at him, so I pushed him out of the way and stormed outside the elevator.

“Ally wait!”, he yelled and grabbed my arm so that I had to stop but then, when he saw the new tears in my eyes, he let it go as if he had burned himself. He looked at me, almost disappointed, and that was probably worse than anger.

I knew he wasn’t Malcolm, but I couldn’t help it.

But it was too late now.

I turned away while hot tears ran down my cheeks again. I heard Damien sigh behind me.

“Ally, you don’t know how unbelievably mad I am right now. And confused and happy and scared. But I would never hurt you.”

He sounded sincere but I could also hear the pain in his voice and knowing that I was the reason for that made me cry even harder.

“I know. I am so sorry I just- It isn’t you. It’s me.” I wanted to leave but he slightly grabbed my arm and this time he didn’t let go.

“Ally, wait. Just tell me what is going on.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t tell him about Malcolm.

“Why are you still being so nice to me? I mean you should hate me! I didn’t have the right to keep him from you and to be honest I would probably hate myself too if I were you. You have every right to hit me.”, I sobbed and buried my face in my hands. I was such a crybaby. It seemed impossible for me to have even any tears left to cry.

Two strong arms wrapped themselves around me and I tried to escape. I didn’t deserve this, but Damien held on even tighter and after a while I just gave up and buried my face in his chest.

“I am so sorry.”, I cried over and over again while his hand stroked my back.

“I know you are.”, he said quietly and rested his chin on my head and I just kept crying. Because of Charlie and his brain tumor, because I was a horrible person, because of Malcolm, because I hadn’t told my parents about Charlie’s brain tumor and because of my sister Lainey and what had happened to her.

We probably stood there for a couple of minutes until my tears finally dried up and I stopped shaking. I felt so empty, but the warmth of Damien’s body comforted me. All of this was so messed up.

I was messed up.

I let go of Damien and took a step back. This time he let me go.

“Are you okay?”, he asked. I shook my head.

“Not really, but I’ll be fine. Thank you for… This.”, I said and made a weird gesture with my hand. He knew what I meant.

“I think I might have been a little unfair earlier. I know this must be hard for you too.”, he said even though it seemed to take some effort for him to get the words out, and I looked down on the grey floor.

“No. No, you have every right to hate me.”, I argued and wiped my face.

“I don’t hate you. Maybe I did, for a moment. But-”, he got interrupted by his phone which had started ringing. himself. He pulled it out of his pocket and took a quick look before turning it silent, but his face expression had hardened.

“What I was going to say before you ran off, was that you are free to come with us to New York. I can provide you an apartment near the hospital, money, and a job, if you want one. I am sure there are some open positions somewhere at our company.”, he said with a cold voice. What had just happened?

I ignored the slight pain in my chest and shook my head.

“No, no that is too much. I can’t-”, I started, because I didn’t want to be dependent on his pittance, but he interrupted me.

“You can, and you will. I am not going to let the mother of my child live in a ramshackle hut. It is like you said earlier. I have an image to maintain.”

He didn’t need to punch me. This hurt worse. What had just happened to him? Just a second ago he had hugged and comforted me and now this?

But I wouldn’t let him see how much his words affected me. I turned around and walked down the hallway while I wondered who or what had triggered his sudden mood change.

“I think I should talk to him first.”, I said while opening the door to the children’s corridor.

“Fine.”, was all I got for an answer.

I took a deep breath and then I opened the door to my son’s room. He was sharing it with another boy of his age named Bryson, but he wasn’t here. Charlie was lying on his bed reading on of the storybooks, Celia had gotten him for his 4th birthday a couple of weeks ago.

He held it upside down and mumbled the words. He wasn’t actually reading them. I had just read it out loud to him that often that he had remembered the words.

He was wearing his favorite blue hat to cover up his bald head. I knew it didn’t really bother him but when his hair had started falling out from chemotherapy he had been really upset about the loss of his dark wavy hair that had been so similar to Damien’s, now that I thought about it.

He was also paler and skinnier than he used to be but overall, I couldn’t help but think, that he didn’t look that sick.

When I entered the room, he looked up and smiled.

“Hey mommy.”, he said, and I smiled.

“Hi honey. How did you sleep? I am sorry I had to leave so early this morning.”, I apologized and sat down beside him on his bed.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. But you missed breakfast. Hanna brought me pancakes. They were so good! I mean at least better than what I usually get. But definitely not as good as yours.”, he said and closed his book. I laughed and hugged him tight.

“I missed you so much.”, I whispered, and he giggled. I inhaled his sweet scent and pulled him closer.

“Mommy I missed you too, but you are crushing me.”, he chuckled and reluctantly I let him go.

When he looked at me he frowned.

“Mommy, have you been crying again?”, he asked and sat on my lap. The way he asked that question almost broke my heart, as if he was used to seeing me crying all the time, and that even though I usually only cried at night when I was sure he was asleep.

Maybe he hadn’t been asleep though. I caressed his cheek.

“There is nothing you need to worry about, sweetheart. Mommy is fine. But there is something that I need to talk to you about, okay?”

He nodded. I took a deep breath.

“Do you remember that I told you that you shouldn’t lie? Especially not to your family and friends?”, I asked, and he nodded again, and if I hadn’t been so upset I might have noticed the look of guilt in his face.

“I don’t lie to you, I promise.”, he said, and I almost started crying again but I really didn’t have time for this.

But how would I explain this to a child?

“I know, baby. But I lied to you. Do you remember when you asked me about your daddy? I didn’t tell you the truth back then. The truth is, that you do have a dad. The thing is that he has been doing a lot of… uhm… travelling and he was really far away so I never had a chance to tell him that he is your father.

He had a very important job to do and I didn’t want you to be sad. But now I told him that he is your father and he came here to see you.”, I tried to explain, and

Charlie looked at me for a few seconds until he finally understood.

“So, I do have a daddy?”, he asked, and his eyes widened.

I nodded and grabbed his hand.

“I know this is a lot for you and you don’t have to talk to him yet, if you don’t want to, but I think he really wants to meet you.”, I said and squeezed his hand. Charlie leaned to the side and stared through the plexiglass window at the hallway where Damien was waiting.

“Is that him?”, he asked, curious and awestruck at the same time.

I knew that having a father had always been his dream and now that it was coming true I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Can I- Can I go see him?”, he asked me, and I nodded.

“Yes, honey. Of course, you can. He is waiting for you.”, faster than I had seen him move ever since he had been diagnosed, he jumped off the bed and stormed to the door but then he stopped and turned around.

“Are you not coming?”, he asked, and I shook my head.

“No. I’ll be waiting here. I am sure you two have a lot to discuss. You know, from man to man.”

I smiled slightly when I remembered all the times he had complained about me not like cars, or not being able to put together a simple Ikea cabinet, not even with the manual, or about me being way too emotional whenever he had an appointment for his chemotherapy.

And then he was gone.

I saw Damien’s eyes lit up when he turned around and saw his son for the first times. He smiled when Charlie ran into his open arms and he hugged him tight. I turned away.

This was their moment, not mine. I squinted my eyes shut to hold back the tears.

I had cried too much already.