September 2005

"What is wrong?" a voice reached Aditya's ears. "You are too distracted while you play"

Aditya wished he could answer his coach, Mr. Kaushik. "Sorry sir."

Mr. Kaushik sighed and placed both his hands on the desk in front of him. "Sorry is not going to win us matches. I've seen you practice, do you want to sit today's match out?"

Aditya shook his head. "No sir, I'm fine."

Standing here, inside the coach's office in the fifth floor, Aditya had spent too much time saying these very words. He said this when the coach had asked if he was fine to play so soon after his father's death, he had said the same words when Aditya had been suspended from school and here he was now too, saying these words again like if he told it enough times, maybe it would come true.

Mr. Kaushik nodded curtly. "I know you don't have the best relations with your teammates, but don't let that bother you. You're a good player, don't let what they say get to your head."

It really was not about that. Aditya didn't give a damn about who said what about him. His problem was entirely different. It was a seventeen year old boy with freckles who hated him again. But Aditya couldn't tell that to his coach. So he simply nodded.

Perhaps Mr. Kaushik wanted to say something else, but then he shook his head and decided against it. "You can go." he said. "Run your laps and get ready for the match."

Aditya nodded and turned around, ready to leave. The moment he opened the door, the very problem that he was trying to avoid, was found running across the hallway.

Aditya stepped out and closed the door behind him and saw Vikram rush to the photography club room. He wanted to leave, turn towards the other end and go down to the field but he couldn't help but wonder why Vikram had run to the club. Did something happen to him?

Aditya shook his head. That was not of his concerns now. Vikram had made that pretty clear. But despite that, Aditya found himself outside the club room, opening the door slightly to look inside.

Vikram was crying, hysterically.

Aditya didn't think about anything when he saw Vikram like that. He rushed in and towards Vikram.

"Vikram..." he said, squatting a little and making his presence known. "What's wrong?"

Vikram had his face hidden behind his hands and just shook his head.

Aditya reached out, to touch him, to tell him he was there for him but he remembered how Vikram had reacted the last time. He retracted his hand.

It was better for him to not be here, especially when Vikram didn't want him around.

"I'll inform Ruvee." he said and began walking towards the door.

Just as he was halfway through the room, he found a pair of hand grabbing him by the waist and then, Vikram's head came resting on Aditya's back, just below the nape of his neck.

Aditya's entire body immediately stiffened but then, Vikram started crying again and in no time, Aditya loosened up. His hand ached to touch Vikram's, where he was holding him firmly but he still did not. "Stay here." he said. "I'll get Ruvee and ask her to come here as fast as possible."

"Stay." Vikram said, through his sobs. "Please."

Aditya could do nothing but comply. He stood there, in silence as Vikram continued to cry, clinging to him for support.

Vikram didn't move either. He remained stuck to Aditya, listening to the sound of his breathing through his back. In no time, his own breathing automatically synced with Aditya's and he began feeling calmer.

Once his sobs died down, Aditya turned around, his hands still dangling to his side.

"Did something happen?" he asked, despite his better judgment.

Vikram cleaned his face on the sleeves of his shirt. "It's my dad." he said in between his whimpers.

"Is he alright?" Aditya asked with an alarming tone.

At first, Vikram nodded and then he shook his head. "I don't know."

"Do you want to sit?" Aditya asked.

Vikram's eyes travelled to the worn out sofa in the clubroom that once belonged to the teacher's room and now rested here as a scrap. He nodded and slowly moved to the sofa. Aditya followed and sat next to him, still keeping his hands to himself.

"What happened?" Aditya asked.

Vikram looked at him and for a moment, Aditya forgot everything that had happened in the past few days. He forgot what Vikram had told him and how he had reacted. He forgot how much he was hurting because of Vikram and he forgot that he had promised not to touch him.

Aditya reached out and took Vikram's face in his hands. Immediately, Vikram closed his eyes, sinking in the feeling of Aditya being with him.

And then, Vikram began. He told him about his father and what his relationship with his father was, how it had always been so strained. He told him of his father's diagnosis and how it had suddenly escalated about a year ago. Vikram told Aditya about the fight he had with him last night.

"I said I wished he would forget everything soon, Aditya." Vikram said.

Aditya pulled him in for a hug. "I am sure you didn't mean it." he said.

"That doesn't matter." Vikram said. "I still said it."

"Then you should apologize."

Vikram pulled away and looked at him.

Aditya noticed that Vikram's lips were trembling and he was shaking a little. There was gear in his eyes that Aditya couldn't ignore.

"I tried." Vikram began, trying to compose himself but it seemed to be impossible.

Aditya took Vikram's hand in his and squeezed it lightly. "It's okay." he said. "I am here. Tell me what happened."

Vikram sniffed. "I knew I had fucked up when I said what I said so today in the morning, I walked up to him to apologize, and..."

Aditya rubbed the back of Vikram's hand, trying to cool her nerves down but he was still shaking a little, still quivering at the thought of what had happened.

"... and when I walked up to him, he just stared at me, blankly." Vikram said and started crying again. "He didn't know who I was, Aditya. He didn't recognize me."

Aditya couldn't imagine what that must have felt like and he didn't know how to respond to this. So instead, he pulled Vikram in again and held him gently in his arms, like he was a porcelain doll and too fragile to touch with bare hands. He rubbed his hand against Vikram's arms softly, as soft as he could.

"I was so scared." Vikram said through his sobs and shook his head. "I know him and I have never gotten along much but when I saw that he didn't know who I was, it just hit me suddenly. I felt like it was my fault and that I perhaps deserved to be forgotten after what I said to him last night."

Vikram paused and pulled himself away from Aditya. "What if he doesn't remember me ever again?" he asked, sniveling. "What if I never get to apologize to him?"

Aditya noticed that Vikram was trembling more than before now. "What if he's never lucid again and what I said is the final thing I said to him on the one day when he was himself again?"

"I think he'll be lucid again." Aditya said, reassuringly.

"Really?"

Aditya nodded. "He might get more agitated and may be more confused, but there will be good days in between."

Vikram blinked at Aditya in confusion. "How do you know?"

Aditya shrugged. "I am very intelligent." he said, trying to calm Vikram down and it worked. Vikram gave out an involuntary laugh.

"And cocky." Vikram said.

Aditya smiled. "Vaibhav told me about your dad's condition when he was Ruvee's place last time. I did some reading on my own after that."

That was unexpected to Vikram. Vaibhav didn't usually share things like these with just about anyone. He didn't even know they talked about this at Ruvee's place.

This was nice, Vikram thought. Being here with Aditya, talking to him about everything in the comfortable space they had created for each other. It left like the past few days didn't even happen.

"I miss this." Vikram said. "And I miss you."

The moments the words escaped his lips, Aditya withdrew himself away from Vikram a little.

Vikram noticed the movement and held Aditya's hand. "I'm sorry for what I said to you Aditya, I... I swear I didn't mean it."

Aditya looked away from him and shook his head. "It doesn't matter." Aditya said, "Because you were right. I am a freak." he said.

Vikram opened his mouth to say something but Aditya cut him short.

"But I am not scared or afraid of being one. I don't regret what happened." he said. "I don't regret kissing you."

Vikram closed his eyes. "That's easy for you to say. You don't have anyone to answer to."

A strangeness washed over Aditya face. "That's doesn't necessarily mean a good thing."

"No." Vikram immediately began. "I am sorry I didn't mean it like that."

Aditya stood up, pulling his hand away from Vikram. "I have to go." he said. "I have a match to prep for."

Vikram stood up after him and grabbed his hand again. "Aditya, please." he said but Aditya took Vikram's hand and moved it away.

He had just walked to the door when Vikram called out again. "I just want us to be friends again."

Aditya turned around one final time. "I don't want to be your friend, Vikram. I don't know how to be your friend." He said. "And I am not going to try."

With that, she stepped out and shut the door behind him and Vikram collapsed on the sofa again, somehow feeling worse than he had ever done.

Vikram found himself in the stands with his camera and a composed face when the match began. He had to take the photos because Ruvee could ask for them later when it was time for the monthly newsletter.

The match began and so did Vikram's work. He followed the game thoroughly, capturing every important moment, every miss, every pass, every goal, only to realize that he wasn't following the game at all. He was only following Aditya. He hadn't even realized that he was doing this. His camera lenses would follow Aditya automatically on the field like it was connected to Aditya's movements and it made Vikram feel a void inside of him that only grew when he realized that this was probably how he was going to look at Aditya from this day forward- through the lenses of his camera.

Aditya had made it clear to him that he didn't want to be friends with Vikram and if they were not friends, they very well couldn't be anything else. Vikram was pretty aware of that. He had been at a war with himself, thinking what he wanted from Aditya and he had only just come to the realization that as long as Aditya was with him, talking to him and laughing with him occasionally, Vikram didn't mind even if he was the person Aditya despised the most.

When he had watched Aditya walk away from him, every fiber in his body wanted to run to him and stop him, to tell him that Vikram would do anything and everything Aditya wanted as long as it meant that they could be friends again but Vikram decided against it, because it wouldn't be fair to Aditya. He had seen the struggle on Aditya's face when he had hesitated to touch him and to hold him and how he had withdrawn himself away when Vikram had said that he missed him. It told him that what Aditya was going through, was perhaps far more terrifying than Vikram especially because he wasn't scared of diving into this head on.

By the time the match ended, they had won 6-3, out of which Aditya made 3 goals and it was kind of surprising because his usual average was 5. And once the match ended and Vikram saw Aditya walk out of the field with a face that looked disconsolate, Vikram knew he had to stay away from him as Aditya had decided to stay away from him.

Maybe he could find a way to check up on him time to time?

Vikram told himself that the only reason he wanted to check up on Aditya from far was because he was worried about him. Which was true, but not entirely. Aditya's performance in the games had gone down exponentially. So much so that after scoring 3 goals each in two consecutive matches, he had gone down to only one in the one after that.

The more Vikram looked at him, the more distressed he seemed, like he was always torn, always sad. This was what Vikram told himself when he found a pattern in Aditya's library visits. Since Aditya was never in class anymore, there was no way for Vikram to keep a check on him there. So apart from being at the matches, Vikram realized that if he visited the library at the right time, he could see Aditya at least twice a day. Once just when the lunch hour began and once when the school day ended. He had noticed that Aditya reading average had gone down from one book every three days to one book a day.

At lunch, he would come by and return the book he had taken, stroll around for a while, looking for new books, assess them, find one he liked, get it registered and leave. Then he would return after school and just sit for a while, reading in silence before his watch told him that it was time for him to leave for his work.

Vikram would show up, at exactly those times and look at Aditya through the gaps in the shelves so that he's never found out. Because if Aditya knew Vikram was coming to the library this often, Aditya would stop coming altogether.

Sometimes Vikram did actually feel like a stalker but he didn't care. Because watching Aditya read in silence, without disturbing him or making him run away from something he loved was the only way Vikram was still able to know that he's doing fine, at least better than Vikram was.

One such afternoon at the library, Vikram found Aditya at the counter, talking to Mrs. Sengupta.

"It's already over?" she asked and Vikram tried to peep through the gaps on top of the books to see what she was talking about.

"Here." she said, handing him something that Vikram recognized was the library card. It was a new card and Vikram stared in shock when he realized that Aditya was filling out the second card. Vikram had never really understood why the school gave them such a big library card that had the space for 50 entries- 25 on the front side and 25 on the back. Vikram's was blank, like most people he knew. Ruvee was an obsessive reader too but even her library card had hardly over 20 entries.

The school year was just over halfway through and Aditya had already read 50 books so far? Vikram would be impressed if he didn't know that it was probably him who had forced Aditya to be a loner again and now that he had no one in his life, what else would he do than read books?

Once Aditya was done filling the new card, he made a fresh entry of the book he had chosen today and discarded his old card to the side of the counter. Vikram waited for him to leave and once he did, Vikram didn't know why but he rushed towards the counter himself.

"Vikram." Mrs. Sengupta said. "What can I do to help you?"

"Good afternoon Mrs. Sengupta." he said and placed his hand over the used library card that Aditya had left behind. He was sure Mrs. Sengupta would throw it away if she saw it and if he asked her for it, he'd have to explain why he wanted Aditya's used library card. "I was wondering if you've brought more books on photography." he said.

"Ah, yes, let me check, wait."

She sat on her chair and looked at her computer, trying as slow as a snail. Vikram didn't blame her, she was as old as the trees that had been turned into the books that lived in this library.

"There's..." she began telling him of the new arrivals. Vikram would have dashed but he didn't want her search to go to waste. Mrs. Sengupta was a dedicated librarian and Vikram kind of felt bad that he was making her work for his own agenda so he stayed for the entire time as she told him all about the new books that had been published, out of which some were in this library and advised him on which publications to look for.

By the time she was done, Vikram had very carefully hidden Aditya's used library card in one of his books and had also found two very interesting new books that he would like to check out later.

"Thank you Mrs. Sengupta." he said, sincerely before rushing out of the library. When he walked out, he had no idea why he had done what he had done. What could he possibly achieve by keeping Aditya's library card with him?

But he still did. Maybe he wanted a souvenir of his to keep. And what could be better than this? Better than something that documented what Aditya loved the most and had spent so much of his time on?

Happy with the tiny adventure he had just been on, Vikram went back to his classroom, feeling like a person who had just discovered a treasure. And it was a treasure for Vikram for some reason. He sat on his seat, looking at the card and admiring Aditya's handwriting. He noticed that Aditya always wrote in proper cursive like he was a poet in the 18th century. The curves the crosses over the t's and the ends at g's. Vikram's own handwriting was very blocky in nature and nowhere as neat as Aditya's. Aditya's handwriting was just as his thoughts, clear and crisp while Vikram's was always a mess. He had read somewhere random that handwritings represented the structure of thoughts in peoples' minds and although he had never believed it before, Vikram could see the truth in it. Although he knew his sample size to come to that conclusion was very, very small.

"What are you looking at?" Ruvee's voice suddenly reached him when he quickly hid the library card back in his book and turned to Ruvee. She was already on her seat, her eyes on the textbook.

"How..." Vikram cleared his throat. "How long have you been sitting here?" he asked.

Ruvee cocked her head at him and looked at him intently. "Not long, why?"

"Nothing" Vikram immediately shook his head. "Nothing. I was just asking."

Ruvee was about to ask him something else when Mr. Jha entered the class and everyone turned his attention towards him. Vikram thanked the heavens and everything in power then for the quick save. He didn't really know how he would explain to Ruvee why he had Aditya's used library ard with him. He wasn't even sure if he knew the answer.

Ruvee forgot all about it by the time the period ended and Vikram relaxed a little as the classes progressed to finally come to an end.

Vikram went back to the library after school, only this time, Aditya wasn't there. Did he already go home? Vikram wondered. Maybe he was out in the field? They had a match the next day and Aditya was probably practicing?

Vikram walked to the end of the library and went to his usual corner. He approached the windows and flung them open. His suspicions were confirmed when he saw the school team practicing on the field and Aditya was with them. Vikram pulled a chair and sat down.

He watched them play for the next fifteen minute until they took a pause for a short break. The coach went to Aditya and talked to him about something. Vikram noticed how his head was hung low and he nodded occasionally. When he was done, the coach patted him on his back and Aditya walked to the stands to find his bag. He pulled his water bottle out and sat down.