September 2005

Things changed so fast after that unfortunate encounter between Vikram and Aditya that Vikram hardly ever had time to process it all.

After what Shruti had done in the cafeteria, telling everyone about Aditya's dad, she stopped hanging out with the rest and quickly found a new set of friends that she hung out with. And apparently, a new boyfriend- Kshitij, which, much to Vikram's surprise was one of Aditya's football teammates from commerce, Kshitij Chauhan.

She had already shifted her seat in the class and now, the day after what went down between Vikram and Aditya, Vikram watched Aditya walk into the classroom, only to not come their way but find an empty place on the opposite side, where he could be as far away from Vikram as possible.

Vikram was in class, next to Ruvee when Aditya walked in. He didn't even look at Vikram and it stirred up an ache inside of Vikram that he felt was uncontainable.

"What's up with Aditya?" Ruvee asked him when she saw Aditya sitting somewhere else.

I fucked up, Vikram wanted to tell her. I said something I shouldn't have and now I don't know what to do. Help me. Please!

But Vikram didn't say anything. Telling her this would also mean telling her about the kiss by the lake and despite how sorry Vikram was, he didn't think he was brave enough to ever admit this to someone else. The only solution was to move past it.

"I don't know." Vikram said instead because what else could he say?

The change was not only sudden, but all at once.

Aditya not only avoided both Vikram and Ruvee, he would also be nowhere to be found during lunch. Vikram knew because he had searched for him for a week before realizing that Aditya wasn't at school at all.

Saturday nights at Ruvee's weren't the same anymore. Aditya stopped coming and when Ruvee asked him, he just said he had to work.

Two hours of football practice turned into four and four into six until Aditya was out on the field, all the time. To Ruvee, it just looked like dedication because the inter-school football matches had started again but Vikram knew it wasn't that. It was just Aditya's way of staying away from Vikram, like he had asked him to.

The day Aditya had changed seats, Vikram had felt a gaping in his heart that tugged on the edges of his reasoning. And as days passed, it only grew bigger until it was only emptiness that Vikram felt. His eyes would randomly search for Aditya in the class, only for him to realize that he wasn't there. A voice down the hallway would remind him of Aditya but when Vikram would searched for it, he would realize it was somebody else.

Aditya had become a conscious thought that lived in Vikram's mind all day, every day and no amount of math problems washed him away.

To say that Vikram felt like shit, would be an understatement because he felt something far, far worse. He felt like he had destroyed something good and that it was lost forever. He missed the friendship, he missed talking to Aditya, he missed their time by the lake and Aditya's presence Ruvee's house on Saturday nights. He missed Aditya's smile and his laughter and the way his eyes sparkled when he looked at Vikram. He missed the sound of his voice and the curve of his lips. The softness of his touches and the intensity of his gaze. He just missed Aditya.

Vikram would spend hours at night, thinking what Aditya was up to. Did Aditya hate him now? Or was he just indifferent to Vikram after what he had said to him? Did Aditya think of him like Vikram thought of Aditya, all the time and so obsessively?

One night, towards the end of September, Vikram lay on his bed, thinking how things had changed so much for him. He would have never imagined he would so hopelessly hurt over someone in his life, and Aditya at that. He had started the year wanting to be with Shruti and now, he wanted Aditya in his life back. Vikram laughed, thinking how they had started with something as silly as competing against each other and he laughed some more when he thought of how Aditya had stolen his clothes from the locker room or stolen the camera film from his club room. Vikram laughed and then he laughed some until he cried himself to sleep.

"Have you not been sleeping well?" Ruvee asked the next day when they were at the library after lunch.

He rubbed his eyes and took a seat. "I think I am just tired."

"Are you staying up all night studying?"

Studying? Vikram wondered. He didn't even know how long it had been since he last opened a textbook. He didn't even know what they had taught in the class the previous day. All he remembered was zoning out so frequently that it had almost become a habit now.

"No." Vikram said, "It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

It was so many things- the fact that he had kissed Aditya while he was still with Ruvee, that he hadn't even told her about it yet, that he had freaked out and said something horrible to him, that Aditya was avoiding him, which Vikram knew was right on his part and yet it was killing him from inside, that he wasn't sure what he felt for Ruvee anymore, that he felt something very strong for Aditya but was too afraid to admit, that he cried himself to sleep almost every night and that he needed Aditya in his life as much as he needed the air to breathe.

Vikram closed his eyes, tiredness washing all over his face. "I just need a little rest." he said.

"Maybe you should go home, Vikram." Ruvee suggested but Vikram shook his head immediately. Home was where he was alone with his thoughts and he didn't want to be alone right now, thinking about him.

"I am fine." Vikram said instead.

"Okay." Ruvee said. Vikram appreciated that she didn't press on it. "Try getting some rest here." she suggested, "I'll jot the notes down for you."

Vikram nodded, thankful for the offer.

"Oh, by the way..." she added, "I talked to Mr. Jha about Aditya's file."

Vikram's tiredness left him almost immediately as he looked at Ruvee with stark attention. "Did he agree?"

"He didn't at first, saying he'd have to talk to Aditya but I convinced him somehow."

"How?"

"I told him Aditya was planning on dropping college and wanted to work as a dish cleaner in the hotel kitchen for the rest of his life."

And unexpected chuckle escaped Vikram. "As a dish cleaner for the rest of his life?"

"I didn't know what else to say."

"Just don't let Aditya hear that."

Ruvee suddenly turned grim when she heard Vikram. "I've been meaning to ask, did you guys fight again?"

Vikram wished it was just a fight. At least then he wouldn't feel like he did now. But it was something far worse than a fight. It was Vikram's stupidity.

"It's just that he's been avoiding me too and every time I try to talk to him, he says he can't talk because he's busy. Did I do something?"

"No." Vikram immediately said and turned to her. "You didn't do anything."

"Then did you?" she asked.

Vikram wanted to tell her, he wanted to tell her everything but he was scared that she'd hate him, that she'd probably judge him, even if he knew she wasn't like that. But he was still very terrified.

"I said some hurtful things to him and now he won't even look at me." Vikram looked lost. "I don't know what to do."

A loud noise out from the field distracted Vikram. He knew if he moved closer to the windowsill and looked down, he would be able to see Aditya practicing for the match the next day. It took Vikram every ounce of his resolve to not do just that. And the ache in his heart grew.

"Have you tried apologizing?" Ruvee asked, bringing his attention back.

Vikram shook his head. "It's not that simple. I don't think an apology will cut it this time."

Ruvee considered his words. "Can I help?"

"No." Vikram said softly. "I think I need to figure this on my own."

Ruvee smiled. "You know I'm always here if you need me, right?"

Vikram felt like yelling at her and tell her to stop being so nice to him because he was a horrible person but what good would it do? Nothing would change. So he just nodded.

"Talk to him Vikram. Because it's obviously killing you not to." she said softly and turned her attention towards the lecture, leaving Vikram to wonder if it was really that obvious?

Vikram was in his room, still thinking about what Ruvee had told him earlier. He wondered if walking up to Aditya and apologizing would make him forgive Vikram for what he had said and how he had reacted. Vikram still remembered the look in Aditya eye's when he had asked if Vikram was scared of him. He was not, but his actions had told Aditya otherwise. Aditya had looked so dejected that Vikram had wanted to reach out and touch him, just to assure him that it was okay, that it was not Aditya that he was scared of but the circumstances and the implications of what they had done.

A single call for dinner from Vaibhav forced Vikram out of his room down the stairs and into the dining hall. Everyone else was already on their seats when Vikram arrived.

It had been a few days since Vikram had begun spending more time with his family. He didn't exactly know how it happened but after that day when his mom had the event, Vaibhav had casually asked him for dinner which Vikram had agreed to and now here he was.

"I have some good news for you." Meera said when she saw Vikram.

Vikram pulled his chair out and took a seat, waiting for her to continue.

"Do you know Tanuja, my friend from college?"

Vikram shook his head.

"She has a publishing company and they publish monthly magazines targeted to women."

"Okay." Vikram said, not sure where this was going.

"She was planning to curate an article on... what was that?" she turned to Vaibhav.

"Women who have contributed to social change this year." he added.

"Yes..." Meera said, "and wanted me to send over the pictures from the event that you took."

"I gave you the photos on the DVD." Vikram said, "Do you need another copy?"

Meera shook her head. "I gave her the DVD you gave me and she loved your photos."

Vikram raised both his eyebrows in shock. "She did?"

Meera nodded. "She would like to meet you sometimes and talk about your prospects in photography."

"My... my prospects in photography?"

"She said you have wonderful skills and didn't believe me when I said you are not a professional. She wants to talk to you about the courses that you can take up after your 12th."

Vikram didn't believe what he was hearing. Photography course?

"Are you interested?" Meera asked.

"I... I don't know." Vikram said. "I haven't really thought of taking up photography as a profession."

"Maybe you should." Meera said, "Tanuja says you're very good with... what did she say?" she asked, turning to Vaibhav.

"With the angles and the way you work with light and shade in your photos."

"Yes." Meera said, "That." even though she wasn't sure what they meant.

Vikram thought about it for a moment. He never really thought someone would actually like his photos, enough to talk to him about his prospects.

"There's no harm in meeting her." Vaibhav casually added when he saw the confliction on Vikram's face.

Vikram presumed Vaibhav was right. The worst that could happen would be that maybe she didn't like his other photos and would tell him not to pursue it, which he wasn't planning on in the first place.

"Okay." Vikram said, slowly nodding his head. "I'll meet her. But did she really say she wanted to talk about courses?"

Meera nodded. "She said you will need a professional course to understand the various aspects and figure out what your area of expertise is. She has a good knowledge of the colleges you can apply to for photography."

"What photography?" a voice suddenly came and only then did Vikram realize that his father was sitting there too. On usual days, Deepak usually ate in absolute silence. Vikram had no idea how his brain worked or what he thought when he ate with them but he never usually looked up from his plate.

Right now, he was looking at Meera and Vikram and Vaibhav, waiting for an answer.

"Deepak." Meera said, turning to him and so did Vikram.

Deepak was lucid.

Such moments were rare now. Until last year, when he was actually diagnosed, the disease wasn't as strong as it was now. Maybe they could have detected something was wrong if his dad some of his time home but he was a workaholic. When he began forgetting things, it was basic. He'd forget if he had brushed his teeth, he wouldn't be able to remember when he kept his files, whether he had signed documents and other basic things. Everyone regarded it as an old age problem. Some even joked that he was growing old too soon.

And then, one day, on Meera's birthday, Deepak decided to leave office early and surprise her. Only thing was, he didn't actually reach home. He got into his car and drove off and he continued to drive until his car ran out of fuel.

It was at 2 am when they got a call from the police, stating they had found him at the highway, just sitting in his car, with no memory of how he got there. That day, he had forgotten the address to his house so he just drove around, until he had forgotten that he had left to go home in the first place.

That was when Meera knew that something was very wrong and took him to the doctors who told her that the disease had gone undetected for almost three years now and now that it had been detected, he was deteriorating very quickly.

"Vikram, who told you to take up the photography course?" he asked. "Don't mix your hobbies with your career. You will go for hospitality like we had discussed."

"But..." Vikram began but his dad cut him off.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you can't gamble your life away?"

"I am not gambling anything." Vikram said in a low tone. "And I am not taking up the course. I am just meeting someone to talk about it." he tried to reason.

"What use will it be? How long will you keep wasting your time over stupid things?"

Vikram could feel the pulse in his head throbbing. He knew he shouldn't argue, so he decided to stay quiet.

"You and your stupid camera." Deepak went on. "This is why I was against it when you wanted to start the photography club. I knew you would ignore your studies."

"I am not ignoring my studies." Vikram said in a protest, looking at his mom for support who told him to calm down. Vikram tried, but he wasn't sure how long he'd be able to stay calm for.

Deepak turned to Meera, "Didn't I tell you not to give Vikram the camera?" he asked.

"Deepak" Meera said, "There is nothing wrong is exploring options."

"What options?" Deepak asked. "Photography is not an option. It is not a career. He has to take over the hotel and for that, he needs to study hospitality."

Vikram banged his hand on the table and stood up. "I don't want to study hospitality." he said. "And you know what, I will meet with mom's friend and I will take up the course in photography."

Deepak stood up and slapped Vikram.

Meera gasped and Vaibhav looked at them in absolute shock. Deepak had never hit Vikram before.

"How dare you talk to me like that?" Deepak asked. "Is that what I have raised you for?"

Vikram drew his hand to his face which was burning hot red. He wouldn't cry, he told himself not to cry. He wouldn't let his father get the satisfaction in seeming him cry. Vikram fought his tears.

"I wish you'd forget everything soon." he said and walked away from the dining room and ran up the stairs to lock himself in his room.