Authors note: Fucking.......aliens

Max sat down at his desk and hummed a creepy tune as he started weaving together several fuses for today's surprise. Today's plan involved waiting until science club after class and placing his little surprise in Gwen's desk drawer. Gwen walked into the room and stood at the front with a broken and sad look on her face.

"Hey kids, we have a new student today," Gwen said. The whole class looked in confusion as they weren't exactly in this class for good behavior.

"Who is it?" Nikki asked.

"Is it a fellow Artist?" Dolph asked.

"A fellow thespian?" Preston asked.

"Does she have boobs?" The whole class looked at Max with confusion. "....I meant to make trouble." Max said as he retreated a little.

"Her name is Kat," Gwen said. The door suddenly slammed open as a young girl dressed completely in black entered the room. Her hair was purple and draping over her face and her skin was completely white.

"Hello, filthy classmates," Kat said in an unstable voice. "You look less like......DISGUSTING filth today!" The girl shouted that part almost as though she was full of energy and unable to contain it.

"I do feel less filthy today, thank you, Kat." Space kid said with a smile.

"Shut up I'm talking!" Kat said as she suddenly threw a chair at Space kid and knocked him to the ground.

"I'm okay." Space kid said as he gave everyone a thumbs up from the ground.

"She's almost as cool as me." Erid said as she took out her earbuds. "....almost."

"I will be the Matriarch of this group!" Kat said as she suddenly jumped into the air and landed on Erids desk. She grabbed her by the collar and started to scream in her face. "Your position will be mine, or you will be exterminated like every filthy human who gets in my way!"

"Why don't you take a seat," Gwen said as she put her hands in the air to calm the situation.

"I brought cookies!" The girl said as she suddenly threw a box of cookies in the air and slammed it into Prestons face.

"Nice...." Gwen said with a terrified smile.

"Oh, and have an apple," Kat said as she handed a single apple to Gwen, before climbing up the theater toward the back.

"Get to know her kids....and her raging insanity," Gwen said the last part under her breath. She read out of the book and started the lesson into physics as she wrote a few formulas on the board. It was some crap about Pythagorean theorem that no one was listening too.

"What's the new girls deal?" Neil whispered.

"She's just a little crazy," Nikki replied.

"Also kinda pretty....." Max said as he stared at her.

"What?" Nikki and Neil asked at once.

"I didn't say anything," Max said as he retreated again. She was kinda pretty, in a creepy macabre, psychotic kind of way. She even had pretty purple eyes, which Max only knew because she was staring at him, with her eyes wide open, and without blinking for several minutes. She was also shaking a little.

Max suddenly realized she was looking straight at him and hid behind a book as she continued to stare. It was actually a lot more creepy then it looked.

"Alright, now we're gonna take a little break so we can....." Gwen tried to say.

"Silence teacher construct, eat this filthy human meat!" Tak suddenly yelled as she threw a large t-bone steak at Gwen's face and knocked her to the ground. Gwen slammed into the ground out of nowhere and the whole class looked at Tak with slight fear, even Nerf was totally freaked out by her sudden and random intensity. Kat walked up the stairs to Max's desk and stared at him for several seconds as though she was evaluating him.

"Hi." Max said a bit nervously. Who the hell had this much energy, and so freaking randomly.

"You're considered cute by these disgusting heathen standards, you'll be my boyfriend," Kat said suddenly as she decided. She suddenly grabbed Max's hand and dragged him over his desk.

"Uhh....okay." Max said in confusion. He followed after her as he was dragged out of the room.

"So Max is dating the new girl?" Neil asked confused about the exchange.

"I feel like she's just a ripoff of some other charac...."

"Shut up Nikki, were not that self-aware!" Max snapped as he poked his head back into the room.

"I'm okay," Gwen said as she stood up. Her face completely covered in meat and grease. "I need to wash my face, but I'll be right back."

"Is anyone else concerned that she might try to eat Max's face?" Neil asked the group.

"Who?" Gwen asked.

"No one tell her!" Neil said suddenly as he realized Gwen was actually in the room for once.

"Max and Kat are dating!" Nerf said suddenly.

"Dude!" Neil said annoyed.

***

Gwen peeked around the corner at Max and Kat as they sat in the malt shop. Max took the booth opposite her in the booth and looked at Kat a tiny bit terrified to speak. She didn't look like a strong type of girl, but the way her energy just kind of exploded at random times was kind of terrifying.

"This is one of my favorite spots to eat when I wanna get away from David," Max said. "It's old as shit, but at least the ice creams not expired."

"The eighties appear to be.....popular around this area," Kat said as she looked around.

"I just figured this was the place stores go to die," Max said as he sipped his shake. "Seriously, there's a grocery store in this mall, it's fucking stupid."

"Fucking?" Kat asked. "I assume you are using that term in the derogatory meaning and have no intention of propositioning me into human mating habits." Maax simply sunk into the booth as a blush appeared on his face.

"Uhh...yeah," Max said as she brought up something so weird.

"Oh my god, she's so forward," Gwen whispered as she filmed it.

"What are you doing?" David asked, making Gwen jump two feet in the air.

"David, mind your own fucking business!" Gwen said as she turned back to the couple. She was perturbed when she realized Kat and Max were staring right at her at this point.

"Hi," she said meekly.

"I suggest we seek more privacy to discuss more of your human mating habits," Kat said.

"Yeah, whatever," Max said as he slid out of the booth.

***

Gwen continued to stalk Max and Kat all the way to the food court. David followed mostly because he wanted to voice his objection to Gwen spying on her young students.

"Aww, Max has a little girlfriend!" David said. "I'm so happy that he's experiencing something I experienced during camp."

"I know, I can't wait to see her realize how much of an evil bastard he is and start some drama!" Gwen said excitedly. "It'll be like our own episode of bachelor kids, and I won't have to meddle in it at all!"

"He got the last churro!" Kat said as she watched some random guy walk away with the churro in the bag. "Vengeance will be mine!"

"Wanna go steal it?" Max asked as he munched on a donut.

"Steal it?" Kat asked. "Are the security measures of this institution so terrible?"

"It'll be fun," Max said.

"So you're a troublemaker, a disruptor, a saboteur?" Kat asked. "They'll be expecting me to maintain a low profile while I lay out my plans, but If I fall into your crowd....I got this." Kat ran after the man before disappearing around a corner.

"You know she's an alien right?" Neil asked from a bush. Nikki was next to him covered in dirt and leaves.

"I know," Max said annoyed at being bothered. "Why do you think I'm okay with this? She's kinda cute, and once she takes over the world, I'll be by her side!" Max said evilly.

"She's gonna lay eggs in your stomach, like the predator, or a diabetic!" Nikki said.

"I figured you'd betray humanity," Neil said as he rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry Neil, you can be......my pet or something," Max said as he googled alien invasions. He walked after his new girlfriend with an evil smile on his face.

***

Kat opened up her communicator as the man who stole her churro desperately tried to eat his own foot. She typed in the number to the mothership before holding the device to her ear.

"Mission report, I now have a filthy human boyfriend......he's kind of cute, but he could use some better mouthwash," Kat said as she checked her nails.

"How is school?" The voice on the line said.

"My integration went perfectly, these filthy humans have no idea of my mission!" Kat said. "There's also a feral girl, I'll probably make friends with her later."

"Well good luck sweetie, enjoy your date."

"Thank you mother....ship," Kat added as she turned off her communicator and turned away from the man who seems to have forgotten that eating your own foot first requires taking off your shoe.

"Hey," Max said as he walked up to her. "Wanna go cause some trouble?"

"As in the way that a saboteur causes trouble?" Kat asked.

"Sure, why not," Max said. "Mall security is a pretty good target."

"Would they happen to be the ones in charge of maintaining order and enforcing laws?"

"Yup, and their assholes," Max said with an evil grin.

***

Several men in mall security uniforms came stumbling out of the security room with large devices wrapped around their faces. They stumbled about and often slammed into random objects around the hallway, one even seeming to pass out in one of the garden beds.

"So what do these things do anyway?" Max asked as he sipped a soda.

"They control their minds and make them do my bidding!" Kat said. "If they don't lobotomize them.....that much."

"Cool, let's make them rob the taco stand," Max said evilly.

"I will expose her," Neil said from behind a column nearby. "If I do that, I'll be all over science magazine, and I'll save the earth!"

"Dildo swords!" Nikki suddenly yelled.

"What?" Neil asked.

"That's what one of those creepy people talked about in the comic book store, maybe we can try one of those?" Nikki suggested.

"You really don't have any clue what's going on, do you?" Neil asked.

"Nah, I'm just waiting for something I can actually understand, to happen," Nikki said.

"Help, he's going to eat me!" A woman said from behind the taco counter.

"I got this!" Neil said as he pulled out a water gun. He suddenly went charging toward the taco stand with the water gun raised and fired at all the brainwashed security guards. The devices on their heads shorted out and they all went crashing to the ground at once.

"Hey, I actually did it!" Neil said triumphantly.

"That depends on whether or not they're still alive," Max said as he rained on his parade. He walked over with Kat walking behind him.

"So am I to assume, that you have taken it upon yourself to act as some filthy.....disgusting....hero to stop the......evil alien invaders?" Kat asked as she thought it over in a creepy twitchy kind of way.

"Yup!" Neil said confidently as he put his hands on his hips and tried to act heroic. Kat looked at him for a moment before narrowing her eyes.

"I suppose I'll have to replace your brain with that of a platypus," Kat said.

"Uhh....what?"

"Eat this ferret!" Kat suddenly yelled as she pulled out the platypus and threw it at his face.

***

Kat walked back toward the blockbuster with Max right next to her. She was also dragging Neil by his collar.

"What are you doing here?" Paul asked as he approached on his segway.

"I live here," Max replied.

"Touche....." Paul said as he eyed him suspiciously.

"Moron," Max muttered as Kat looked up at Paul.

"A personal transportation device?" Kat asked. "I require a sample of your flesh!" Kat suddenly screamed as she jumped into the air and crashed into his face.

"They're kind of cute together aren't they?" Gwen asked as Kat viscously beat up Paul.

"Should we be doing something about....that?" David asked as Kat dragged the unconscious Paul and his segway, as well as Neil.

"I'm sure it's...." The whole group suddenly disappeared in a flash of green light as leaving only David and Gwen to stare at the spot they disappeared from.

***

Max looked out the mother ships window with actual wonder in his eyes. Who knew that stupid fucking camp would somehow lead to him being in actual fucking space. Then again he was kinda bored of it already. It looked better in hi-def anyway.

"Hello, mother....ship," Kat said as she walked over to the terminal. "I've brought several samples back for study, along with my filthy love monkey."

"Uhh....thanks," Max said as several mechanical arms strapped Neil to the table. "Hey, out of curiosity how do you get back to planet earth?"

"Oh, there's a terminal over there....." Kat said nonchalantly as she waved in its general direction.

"Do you have a bathroom?" Nikki asked.

"You're in space and all you can think about is the bathroom?" Max asked incredulously.

"I want my poop to travel the stars!" Nikki declared. Max facepalmed as Nikki continued not to really know WTF is going on right now.

"Your filthy human waste receptacle.....is down the hall three doors to the left," Kat said.

"Thanks," Nikki said as she walked down the hallway.

"So artificial gravity and shit, that's cool," Max said as he tried to make conversation.

"I find small talk to be tedious and.....completely FUCKING Worthless waste of time...." Kat said as she prepared to remove Neil's brain.

"Fine...." Max said as they fell into an awkward silence.

"Oh god, what the fuck is happening."

"Thank god," Max muttered as Neils screams finally broke the silence.

"Calm down human, I am merely trying to replace your brain with that of a.....FILTHY platypus." Kat said. "Now hold still while I cut open your skull."

"Oh god, Max, do something!" Max sipped on his soda and stared at Neil doing absolutely nothing. "Seriously Max!?"

"Fine," Max said as he took the top off his soda. He suddenly threw the contents of the soda into Kats' face.

"Oh god, it burns!" Kat screamed as she went crashing into the floor. Max clicked off the restraints and Neil jumped off the examination table.

"Let's get the fuck out of here," Neil said as he sat up on the bench.

"This way," Max said as he grabbed his arm and dragged him down the hallway. They both went running down the hall with a purpose as Kat recovered and began to chase after them.

"He was my love monkey first!" Kat screamed as she followed after them.

***

Max and Neil rounded a corner and closed the door behind them as they stopped in the middle of the secondary examination room. Several different human vehicles were all over the room with hundreds of different pieces strewn about.

Paul was hanging from the ceiling with his segway at his feet. A sign directly next to it claimed he was a 'mobile law enforcement drone'. He was also unconscious with several tubes in his face.

"Holy fucking science!" Neil said as he looked around. "I'm on an alien spaceship!"

"You just figured that out?" Max asked annoyed as he shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket. Max looked around the room for a way to revive Paul, while Neil simply fawned over the fact that he was in space. Space kid is gonna be so fucking jealous.

"What's this button do?" Neil asked himself out loud.

"That will revive current specimen." The computer said out loud.

"You can talk?" Neil asked.

"Yes." the computer replied.

"Wait, if you can talk, then why haven't you told Kat where we are?" Max asked.

"She hasn't asked."

"Why not?" Max asked.

"I don't know....."

"Fucking moron," Max grumbled. "I guess we'll save Paul then." He suddenly pressed the button and Paul dropped onto his segway and started to cough.

"Where am I?"

"In an m night Shyamalan movie," Max replied.

***

"Then, once their entire supply of cake has been disrupted, they will go to war with each other!" Kat said as she laid out her plan.

"Your kind of an idiot, aren't you?" The computer asked.

"Shut up mother....ship." Kat snapped at the computer.

"I'm gonna leave now," Max said as he walked past her, dragging Neil behind her, along with Paul on his segway.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Kat said. Max, Neil, and Paul disappeared as he pressed a button on the teleportation console. "Wait, what?"

***

Max walked back into the blockbuster but stopped when he saw the agent Millers already there, as well as a completely hysterical David.

"Hey David, I'm not dead," Max said as he walked up. David suddenly scooped him into a hug making Max simply stare daggers of annoyance at the ground.

"I'm so happy you're alive," David said.

"We detected an alien transpor....." one of the agent millers tried to say, but the other one elbowed him.

"Clearly, you have been hallucinating your past experiences." the other agent Miller said.

"I haven't said anything yet," Max said as he rolled his eyes and pushed himself free of Davids grasp.

"I have returned for my....love monkey!" Kat said as she walked into the blockbuster.

"That's the alien by the way," Max said nonchalantly as he looked at his phone. He was kind of over it at this point. Seriously, this whole day felt like some kind of rip off of some old tv show that desperately needed numerous seasons but was marketed to children so it wasn't popular enough to continue.

"Get her." Agent Miller said as he grabbed Kats hand and handcuffed her.

"I'll get you for this Max!" Kat said. "And my revenge shall be horrible, vicious, and full of goo!" Max threw a second soda in her face making her scream and fall to the ground.

"Welcome to earth bitch," Max said as he walked away.

"I helped catch an alien!" Neil said excitedly. One of the agent millers suddenly pulled out a small device and flashed it in his eyes making him crash to the ground. They dragged there screaming cursing quarry outside before being picked up by a tractor beam and flying away.

"I'm gonna go play dead space," Max said as he walked away. David looked around in confusion as he tried to figure out what just happened.

"Where am I?" Neil asked. "Who are you, people?"

"wuack." The platypus said as it dropped from the ceiling.

***

"So is there like any trees or dirt up here I can dig through?" Nikki asked the large computer.

"No, we are in space."

"Ohh....space kinda sucks," Nikki said as she looked around.

"It is pretty boring up here." the computer admitted. "Wanna watch a cat video?"

"Sure!"

***