"I'm going to put the radio on." He says and he flicks it on. "It's going to be loud. You got in the car, you'll just have to deal with it."

I nod shrugging, I don't mind loud music.

I know it helps block things out, if thoughts are swirling, if negativity is present, loud music, it doesn't give your brain room to think.

It practically blocks it all.

So he puts it on and turns the music high and when the top 50 charts music comes on I smile at the way he relaxed a little and I reached forward to turn it up even more, just a few numbers, just to tell him it was okay.

We had parked up. I don't know where we are. A park maybe?

I just had unbuckled and I had turned to lean against the door, facing him with my legs crossed under me.

And my brain wasn't working, not with the volume of the music. But I closed my eyes and sank into the little moment.

I wonder what it would be to try and write like this, to try and string sentences coherently with music pounding into our ears, I wonder what it would feel like. I wonder whether the narrative voice would change depending on the song.

August shifts his seat back and pulls of his jumper, apparently hot and I just eye it because I was the opposite.

His eyes lift to mine and I smile a little and he rolls his eyes, tossing his jumper in my face and I smile more. August's moods are harsh, but I think I was getting used to them.

I mouth a thankyou even though I know he doesn't want his nice actions acknowledged and I pull the jumper over my head, leaning my head against the seat still just watching him.

I watch him look down at his arms in annoyance, like utter frustration and I reach out to him, placing my hand on his bicep and when his eyes lift to mine, I shake my head.

Trying to say that whatever he was thinking, it was not rational or whatever it was wasn't right.

I then lifted my other hand to the volume dial and turned it up louder and I started singing along, loudly, trying to make him smile but he just slumps back against his seat, his head turned to face mine and he watched.

He watches, his face blank, straight. But I smile, I sing, I dramatically perform the lyrics and he watches me as if I am the only freaking thing distracting him. And so I distract, I feel like a absolute idiot but the worse and worse I do, the more and more exaggerated I become I just end up amusing myself.

At this point I should be up for an Oscar the way I am preforming these songs, it's not even for the boy who's brain is hurting him right now, it's for me. I seriously should consider theatre again, this is fun.

I will look into it.

As I think about my future plans to become a college theatre kid, I continue singing and he closes his eyes and his hand reaches for the music and he stops it.

My lips are still parted.

"Are you not fucking tired?" He mumbles, I've been doing this for pretty much the last hour.

"I am thirsty." I admit, my throat quiet and scratchy and August who hasn't sported a smile the whole time I've been singing to him, dancing for him, dramatically performing the song the song mood, cracks a small ass smile.

"There's water in the back."

I smile, reaching around for the water bottle that was on the floor in the back and I pull it up.

"How old is it?" I croak and he shrugs, closing his eyes a little.

"Like a day or so."

I just take a sip, desperate times you know?

"I hope you have no diseases." I laugh and August's lips raise a little.

"Just depression and I don't think that's contagious."

My smile grew soft, leaning my head down on the seat as I stare at him.

I mean it's always been evident that August was not a happy guy, he's been a miserable kid literally for my whole childhood. But I never knew the extent of it.

Ever.

"August?" I whisper and he opens his eyes.

"Yes?"

"Is there anyone else I could call for you tonight?" I ask. "I want to be here, you know I want to be here." I laugh a little. "But is there someone better? Someone that knows how to help?"

He looks at me puzzled and I don't know how to portray that I just want to do whatever I can do to help him even if that's me disappearing and me forcing someone else to come and see him.

"Like Trev, Luella? That girl from the other night? Cal or Phoenix? I don't know how close you are with them. My dad even? What can I do to help, what would they do to help?"

He stays silent and just stares. "Emersyn none of those people would have just sat here for the past hour and fucking spazzed out just to distract me."

I untense slightly, his tone soft.

"I thought maybe if I annoy you enough you might get distracted."

He sends me a small smile, his corners of his lips tugging up.

"You didn't annoy me."

"No?" I whisper and he shakes his head.

"This doesn't feel like a depressive episode. I dunno what the fuck is going on with me."

I nod slowly. "What has my dad said?" I ask. "Trev?"

"Emersyn I don't- Trev and Lue they don't know that much- nah they do. I- they know but I never chose to tell them. Your dad the same I guess. I tell him because when I don't I end up doing really shitty things."

I nod.

Sad August sounds like nice August and I will forever be aware of that fact. Honestly.

"I keep asking you questions because I assume you talk about this openly, but I am getting that maybe you don't."

He shakes his head. "I don't fucking know why I keep telling, showing you shit. I think cos you were so fucking warm when you saw the scars. Like it felt nice not to be immediately judged."

My freaking heart swells. "I like that you share. It makes it easier to remember you don't like fully hate me when you turn into mean August."

He throws me a small glare. "I have been so nice to you lately."

"I mean- the last day yes. We didn't talk for a week before that because you were angry I wanted to sleep in your bed."

"You're stressful Emersyn." August chuckles and I sigh, shoving my hands in the hoodie pocket.

"Sorry."

He rolls his eyes.

"No seriously, I don't wanna stress you out."

"Shut up."

I shut up.

For a second.

"What did you mean this doesn't feel like a usual episode?" I say and he falls silent.

"Well-" He starts and then pauses. "I dunno if I just wanna share right now because I'm still on a come down and I'm emotional." August chuckles and I smile at that, the words 'I am emotional' are so god damn adorable coming out of his mouth.

"You gonna close off from me again?" I ask and Leo sniggers, closing his eyes again.

"I will probably try."

"Just try?"

"Well I feel like me telling you that I consider you a friend, probably was a bad idea. Like are you ever going to leave me alone again?"

"Probably not." I laugh and my laughter makes August open his eyes and I send him a toothy grin.

"I'll wanna close off Em. That's just what I do."

"Why?" I say. "You don't close off from Lue or Trev?"

"No I do." He chuckles and he opens his eyes. "Emersyn you've pushed your way into my life when I am actively trying to sort it out. Why'd you think I used to just ignore you?"

"Because I'm annoying?"

He smirks slightly. "Yeah well there's that."

I pout.

He looks away.

"I am forcing myself to spend time with my mum and dad, with Rayne, with Lottie. I am forcing myself to spend time with my mates, I am forcing myself to behave. To live. To let people like you in."

"Why?" I ask genuinely. Also I committed him calling ivy and Jackson mum and dad to my memory, because I wanted to tell them, in case they didn't know. That he did think of them as that. He's just freaking cold sometimes.

"Why what?"

"What changed? What happened?"

"You don't know?" He says, frowning.

I shake my head. "I guess you are referring to what Rayne was saying, but no, Rayne never told me anything going on with you because it's your business and plus, I think seeing me was a slight escape from everything." I share a little insensitively. But it's hard for Rayne too, August's instability. Family members do get affected.

"Tried to hang myself." He says and I feel my heart fucking stop.

I wasn't even surprised. I caught on yanoe? But it- I was surprised how scary the words were, how painful.

"When?"

"Last attempt was like May."

Okay.

"So since then you've been doing better?" I ask.

"Mm." He hums. "Got back on medication, family, friends, even let myself-" He gestures to me and I don't know what the fuck that means but I nod. "Making up the last semester work that I missed, they extended deadlines, like I am on it. I don't even feel shit really- just- I'm uncomfortable."

"Why?" uncomfortable?

He shrugs. "Never have I thought about staying." He admits. "So I am trying but I am still getting the urges to- it's really fucked up Emersyn I don't wanna even tell you- you're so fucking..."

"What?" I whisper.

"Untouched by this darkness."

I smile a little.

"The urges?" I prompt softly.

"I am not even depressed right now, like I am pretty good, maybe it's just the fucking partying, I don't know."

He was getting a little agitated.

"What are you trying to say?" I ask and he shrugs.

"Don't really know."

I laugh a little at that, lifting my hand to touch his face but I stop it, reminding myself of boundaries. That he isn't Rayne. That there is not that history there.

"Try again?" I ask. "You said you feel good but you're still feeling the urges?"

He nods and one of his hands lift to his arms that are wrapped up.

"This one hasn't even got any new ones." He says to me, holding his left arm. "Just wrapped it for precaution."

I smiled, I liked that. I liked that it was clear he was trying so fucking hard to work on himself.

"I am fine, letting people in, living. But I am still fantasising about it."

"About what?" I whisper and he just shakes his head. Not saying it. Fantising. That's such a strange thing to say, not strange, I just, I know my mum has been through these things. I remember even from a kid my dad navigating her episodes. But mum always said she's never ever felt the urge to leave, not since me. She talks about it with such negativity. August used the word fantasy.

He continues. "And then when I know I literally can't end it, like my head is so clear that I know I don't actually want to, that there's too many people that it would hurt. But I feel so trapped. Annoyed. Because it's so fucking weird, the urges, and then I end up cutting."

That word seems harsh out of his mouth, so harsh.

"Why?" I ask softly. "Why cut?"

"Because the alternative hurts others, this just hurts me."

"Does it hurt?" I ask and he pulls a hand down his face.

"No. not really." He says. "That's when you know your brains not okay, when it feels good."

Well shit.

"What can we do?" I ask softly and he frowns, looking up at me.

"We?"

"To help. What can we do to help you find something else to do?"

"Emersyn." He frowns. "This is not a we issue. This is not your problem."

I nod. "I know." I say softly. "But I can do-"

I can help Lue, help Rayne and help Leo. I can do it all if they all just let me.

He shakes his head at me. "This is what I mean about being too kind Emersyn. You give and give. You don't need to help me. I am sharing because I am selfish and I am offloading. I shouldn't do that. And I for sure should not give you any responsibility in this shit."

This is new.

I feel like I usually just offer my help and it's snapped up.

"The rest of your scars." I whisper. "They are old right?"

"Don't." Leo says and I fall quiet. "You wanna know why I started again?"

I nod.

"Because I am an idiot."

I frown.

"You are anything but an idiot August."

"No I am." He chuckles. "It's like an addiction, it's hard to stop, but shit I am a fucking grown man and I am cutting again like a hormonal teen-"

"That's insensitive to hormonal teens." I smile a little. "August." I just whisper his name in disagreement to his statement.

"And pft who said you were a full grown man, I know you turned 21 today but-"

"Emersyn I'm twenty-two."

"Oh." I whisper and he laughs, rubbing his face and he looks at me amused.

"You keep saying I am nasty to you but you full on don't even know me."

I roll my eyes. "Okay so I didn't know your birthday and I forgot you were three years older not two but I am learning okay?"

"Okay." He says, amused. "And I am a man."

I smile. "You do look old right now."

"What is that supposed to mean?" He chuckles.

"Just that you always seem older than me."

"That's because I am older than you."

"You thought I was a minor." I say suddenly. "You can't hate on me for not knowing your birthday when you full on said I was under eighteen a month ago."

"That's because you look young."

I frown. I don't think I do.

"I think I look pretty old." I say.

"I think it's just your eyes." He laughs. "They are big and wide, and you just remind me of the kid that used to try and try to make me like you and I just fucking hated it."

I pout. "I just wanted you to be my friend." I whisper.

"Well you got your way." August mutters. "Until I decide otherwise."

"You can't just break of friendships." I say. "Buddy you are now in this for life."

"For life?" He laughs. "Who knows how long that'll be."

I refuse to flinch away from the tragic statements he makes so I just go with them, counter them.

"Well seeing as you're already twenty-two you are honestly so close to middle age and then when you hit middle age, shit it's all down from there. But I recon, you swim, you are pretty fit. You have at least another seventy years."

"Seventy?" August laughs.

"Okay actually no. You smoke and you drink quite a lot. I'd say that deducts some years."

"Oh definitely." He says.

"So let's take twenty years away-"

"Jesus Christ twenty?" He says and I laugh, August nudged my knees and I realise he's telling me to sit properly so I turn and put my legs down, pulling my seatbelt on.

"Yeah and also well you drive scarily-"

"I don't drive scarily."

"Yes you do, we literally drove 87mph on the way here, I was sure we were going to die."

"You're dramatic."

"And so that's another ten years off your life."

"Wow." August laughs, pulling out of a space.

"And you're also mean."

"How does meanness deduct years of life?"

"Well..." I smile. "You might piss someone off enough that they actually kill you."

He nods, connecting our eyes. "It would definitely be you."

I agree.

"So that's another ten years I'd say."

"Oh wow. So I started with seventy years and now I've ended up with what thirty?"

"Yeah." I smile.

"I can do thirty years." He nods, looking at me. "That's only three lots of ten years and I have already survived two."

I grin. "Exactly Leo. You've already survived twenty-two years. What's another thirty?"

He laughs, shaking his head at me and his hand comes over, leaving the steering wheel and he squeezes my knee, and then returns it to the wheel.

I just stare.

Shocked at the contact.

I pull my phone up and I wince when I see we've been out clearing our heads for nearly two hours, like when we get back it'll be two hours since we left.

I have messages.

Then Luella.

The next message is from my dad

He cares so much.

I frown at that message.

.

"My dad says..." I start and August immediately tenses a little. "Well he first says please slow down because he doesn't want your driving to kill me."

August's eyes dart the miles per hour screen and he winces at the fact we were now going pretty fast. Too fast.

He slows down, moving into a slower lane.

"And he says you can come back to ours if you wanna."

August frowns and he looks at me.

"Did he say that? Or are you just that obsessed with me that you're making-"

"Shut up." I mumble, glaring at the side of his head a little. "No dad said. Just in case you were stressing about going home."

"I need to apologise to Rayne." August says and he frowns. "But the energy needed is a lot."

"Well I haven't eaten all day." I say. "I need to eat."

He throws me a look. "Why haven't you eaten?" He asks.

"Because you guys don't have food and Trev and Lue got uber eats but I didn't fancy anything then. Now I am starving."

"You should have said you idiot."

I crinkle my nose up at him calling me an idiot. What would he have done? Fed me?

"I worked up an appetite singing to you Leo, I am just saying now that if we go back to mine I will convince mum and dad to get take out and you can have free food."

"What food?" He says, lifting and eyebrow at me and I smile widely.

"I dunno, it's still your birthday, you can choose."

He doesn't reply at first. And I can feel him thinking, debating.

"Could go for Chinese food. They do veggie shit right?"

I've never had a crush on someone older. The past two years I just freaking ignored guys, Peter was my last boyfriend and we were sixteen like, he was innocent as fuck too.

Feeling inappropriately happy that August was saying he might come back to ours suggested that my harmless crush was not so harmless anymore.

I just found him interesting. Maybe it's the writer in me. Drawn to complex characters. I'd never be able to write someone so captivating. The sadness, the anger, the self loathing mixed with his ability to render me speechless with his eyes, his tone, the way he can be so fucking nice when he wants to be. The way he cares about Rayne and Lottie but hardly expresses it.

He's just interesting okay?

I nod, smiling. "They do indeed."

"What's the time?"

"Um like half eight."

He nods. "I will come back to yours, talk to your dad, explain why I practically kidnapped you and then we'll have some food."

I nod, smiling. This was fucking weird.

But I was going with it.

Of course I was.

"And then?" I ask.