《Scattered light》How To Catch Flies
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We built our get away up in a tree we found.
We felt so far away but we were still in town.
Now I remember watching that old tree burn down
I took a picture that I don't like to look at.
Well, all these times they come and go
And alone don't seem so long
Over ten years have gone by
We can't rewind,
We're locked in time
But you're still mine
-Jack Johnson
When I was twelve years old my parents took a trip south to visit some family on my mother's side, leaving me home alone with plenty of money for food and a sense of responsibility balancing precariously on my bony shoulders.
The first day was perfect. I did what any twelve year old boy would do; watched whatever TV channels I wanted, ate as many sweets as I could find, and practiced my guitar as loud as I could. I was free; an uncaged bird able to flap his wings and sing his songs, but that feeling only lasted so long.
The excitement had faded to a dull drumming by the second day, accompanied by a stomachache and a confused circadian rhythm. And by the third day, I was wandering around the house like a lost puppy, lonely and ready for someone to come around and whisk away my empty loneliness.
My parents were gone for five days total, and when they returned everything went back to normal; no more staying up late or whining at the door for someone to come satiate my need for human companionship.
Those five long days ended, but that feeling of endless wandering remained. It wasn't as pronounced but it was always there, nagging at the back of my skull. As I got older the empty house became a metaphor for an empty world, devoid of people. I had Suga who played the part of Mom and Dad, showing up once in a while to soften the loneliness, but for the most part I've remained a lost and forgotten puppy for years.
Until Hinata. He's like the sunshine hiding behind the front door of my empty world, spilling inside as the door cracks open little by little, golden and warm. So warm.
And I feel so stupid, feeling so attached to this guy I've barely gotten to know, but I can't help it. Part of me is just drawn to him like a bee to honey and no matter how much I try I can't stop the buzzing in my chest.
I can't figure out if it's one of my fleeting obsessions, like my love for the way the water reflects the sun at a certain hour of day, or if it's something that's going to stick, but if I'm completely honest with myself I don't think I wantto shake the feeling. I've never wanted a friend this badly.
If five days without my parents was difficult, two weeks without Hinata was agony. We texted a bit, but he seemed busy so I left him alone as best I could, restlessness humming in my bones all the while.
I'm in my apartment, finally getting to the music notes I'd scribbled while walking home with Hinata, cleaning them up and plucking a few test chords on the guitar, when I hear the jingle of keys and his door opening across the hall. My heart speeds up and my fingers slip from the guitar strings.
"Fuck," I spit, setting the guitar down and rubbing my palms across my eyes. I shouldn't be acting like this, it's pathetic. I'm angry at myself and I'm angry at my goddamn heart that won't stop fluttering and my palms that won't stop sweating.
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It's not like I can see him now, the guy literally just stepped into his apartment after a long trip. I'd be nothing but a bother. Not to mention I'd look like a clingy pathetic loser, which I don't want to admit no matter how true it is. I have to keep up my hard and cold exterior even though it's slowly crumbling through my fingers with every thought of bouncing orange spikes.
Despite all of that, I can feel my fingertips itching, wanting to grab my phone and ask if he's home, if he's busy, if he had a good time, if he wants to hang out. But I don't. Apparently I still have at least a shred of self control.
Self control that I realize isn't needed when my phone lights up and buzzes on the wooden tabletop. I'd like to say I don't fling myself across the arm of the sofa to grab it and almost topple over the side, but I do. My fingers fly across the screen as I unlock it and open the message.
My heart sinks. I should've known it wasn't Hinata as he's probably taking a well needed nap right now. I tap out a quick response, my fingers hitting the screen a little harder than necessary.
I'd like something stronger, maybe a straight shot of vodka to make me chill the hell out, but nothing goes better with pizza than root beer.
He knows the pizza night routine. He knows me(better than I know myself, probably). I always end up eating more breadsticks than pizza.
Suga shows up about twenty minutes later, pushing the door open with the familiar rustling of plastic bags, and announcing himself.
"We're heeeere!" He steps into the living room, flashing that familiar starlight smile at me, carrying two pizza boxes and setting them on the coffee table. I start to clear away my music sheets and stray pencils when I notice there's only pizza.
"Where's the breadsticks? And the soda?" I ask, looking around to find the extra box and two liter that obviously isn't there.
"Oh! Daichi has the breadsticks. He forgot the soda in the car and ran back down to grab it," he explains, opening up a box and handing me a greasy slice of our favorite pizza.
"Oh?" I raise my eyebrow as I take the slice from him. He hadn't mentioned bringing Daichi over. Not that I mind, but I haven't actually formally met him yet. They started dating officially about three days ago, and since Suga doesn't have the best relationship with his parents, not unlike myself, we're basically each other's only family so I guess this is his version of bringing his boyfriend home to meet the folks.
"That's okay isn't it?" He asks tentatively, his smile fading a little.
"S'fine," I mumble around a bite of saucy bread and cheese, earning a disapproving glare from Suga. He gets up and makes his way towards the kitchen, returning shortly after with a roll of paper towels from the counter. He rips one off and I swear he considers dabbing the corner of my mouth himself, I can see the thought ghost across his eyes, but he just holds it out to me with a quirk of his lips.
"Knock knock!" The voice that calls out isn't completely unfamiliar but I'm used to hearing it read out my coffee order and tell me how much change I'm due. Daichi pokes his head into the living room, a box of breadsticks in one hand and a plastic bag swinging back and forth from his elbow.
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"Daichi don't carry the bag like that you're going to cut off your circulation," Suga coos, standing to take the bag and set the soda on the table with the rest of the food.
"Nah I'm fine," he smiles, giving Suga a look that I can only call "lovey-dovey". Suga returns it, and I just watch from my seat on the couch, chewing slowly. I've heard about the way couples act in the early stages of relationships but I've never actually seen it up close. I'd expect to be uncomfortable but instead I find myself smiling at the silent exchange.
"Oh!" Suga exclaims, breaking eye contact and turning back to me. I'm quick to wipe all traces of the smile from my face. I may be a sappy shit inside but Suga doesn't need to know. "I forgot! Daichi, this is Kageyama. Kageyama, Daichi."
Daichi smiles at me as he extends his hand towards mine, it's crooked and so wide that the bridge of his nose wrinkles, and as I grasp his hand to shake it I understand why Suga fell so hard so fast. "It's nice to finally meet you."
"Y-yeah," I stutter, "you too."
Suga beams as he grabs a piece of pizza and another paper towel and offers it to Daichi who takes a place next to me on the sofa. He grabs a piece for himself and settles cross legged on the ground opposite us, the coffee table in the middle.
We eat silently for a few minutes before I realize that I should probably prompt a conversation since this is my apartment and my best friend after all. Reading social cues has never been my forte and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
"So, uh...Daichi," I start, having absolutely no idea where to take the question. I look to Suga for help but he just nods his head, prompting me to go on. Shit. I open my mouth to speak again but I'm interrupted by a quick knock at the door.
"Are you expecting someone?" Suga asks, shooting me a concerned look as if he shouldn't be here.
"No," I say, standing and making my way towards the front door. I can feel Suga following close behind, probably coming to make sure I'm not going to be axe murdered in the entryway.
"Ask who it is," he prompts, grabbing my wrist as I reach for the handle. I shrug him off and grumble. It's probably a Girl Scout or something.
I pull the door open, and it's not a Girl Scout, or an axe murderer for that matter, even though an axe to the chest might feel better than the twisting feeling in my gut right now. Hinata's orange spikes bounce as he tilts his head to see Suga standing behind me, smiling and waving at him, rocking back on his heels.
"Hinata," I breathe, a waver in my voice betraying my fabricated stoicism as it ghosts over my lips.
"Hey!" He chirps, his expression turning apprehensive as he crosses his arms behind his back nervously, giving me a look as if to ask if he's interrupting something.
"No!" A bit too loud there, Tobio. Why don't you try to chill the fuck out for once in your life? "Uh, no," I say, softer this time. "Come in."
I move to the side motioning for him to walk past me into the apartment. He nods at Suga as he passes, who then turns to me and nudges my arm with the corner of his mouth pulled up into that smirk that he seems to get every time Hinata is mentioned.
"Shut up," I growl, shutting the door and pushing past him back into the living room to find Hinata and Daichi smiling nervously at each other.
"Oh uh, Daichi this is my neighbor Hinata," I explain, my gaze fixed on the floor because I know if I lift it I won't be able to look anywhere other than the face I've only seen from memories for the past two weeks. And let me say, memories don't do him a justice. There's a certain glow about him that you can only truly appreciate in person.
"You can sit right here," Suga offers, motioning to the seat on the sofa next to Daichi after the two of them have shaken hands. Hinata perches himself on the edge of the cushion, visibly intimidated by the presence of two new faces, and an idea strikes me.
I turn to Hinata, meeting his apprehensive brown eyes, and sign "are you hungry?". He smiles and nods before he realizes what just happened. His eyes widen and his jaw drops slightly, I'm suddenly very aware of the silence in the room around me as Suga and Daichi watch the encounter, then a look of pure joy spreads across his face. I swear he's so excited he starts to bounce, actually bounce, on his cushion.
He starts to sign back, his hands moving around the words with much more dexterity than my own, years of practice under his belt. I'm not sure exactly what he says, but it's somewhere along the lines of "you know how to sign?". I think for a moment, trying to visualize the worksheets I've been studying for the last two and a half weeks before signing a crude version of "I'm learning".
The look in his eyes is so bright, so excited and surprised, that I can only call it gratuitous. I wonder how many people have made an effort to communicate with him this way. His sister and parents of course, but how many friends? You can tell by the way his hand moves across his little notebook that he's used to writing out notes to people. And suddenly I'm inspired. Of course I wanted to learn sign language before to make it easier on him to talk to me, but now I'm determined to do it just to make sure that that smile never leaves those lips. That look in his eyes was caused by me and I don't think I've ever been so proud of something before in my life.
The four of us eat our pizza; most of the tension in the room melting away along with the ice in my heart after Hinata's sunshine fills the room, keeping up a casual conversation with me doing my best as an interpreter. We have to resort to the notebook a few times (more than I care to admit) when Hinata uses signs I don't recognize, but we manage.
At some point, without me paying enough attention to stop him, Suga pulls out a dusty monopoly box from underneath the sofa. How it got there I have no idea.
"I'll be the car, Daichi which one do you want?" Suga says, rifling through the tiny metal board pieces and pulling out the car.
"I'm the car," I say, plucking it from his palm and turning it over in my fingers.
"I'll be the boat," Daichi chuckles, taking it as Suga offers the pieces to him in his palm, shooting me a sideways glance that doubles as a lecture on manners. He then extends it to Hinata who plucks the top hat from its resting place atop the shoe.
"I guess I'll be the dog then," he says, setting the rest of the pieces back in their plastic container.
"There's a dog?" I drop the car on the table top and reach for the silver dog Suga sets down on the "Go" space.
"Hey! You said you wanted the car!"
"I didn't know there was a dog." I pick up the dog and run my fingers across the texture of its metal fur. "You can be the car." He just sighs through his nose, shaking his head at me as he pulls out the cards and stacks of paper money.
"Come on Suga, aren't you going to fight for your pooch?" Daichi asks, poking him gently in the ribs.
"I'm not a fighter," he answers, turning to press a quick peck to the tip of Daichi's nose. "Unless it's for you." Disgusting.
"Blegh," Hinata sticks his tongue out, shaking his head and signing "gross".
"You're right. They're awful," I nod. "Hinata wants you to cut the lovey-dovey shit," I grumble, averting my eyes as Suga walks his fingers up Daichi's side, giggling as he squirms. I'm happy for them, I really am, and I like Daichi, but god couples can really be annoying.
The game is smooth sailing at the beginning, everyone moving their pieces forward and buying whatever they land on, paying measly sums of cash when they land on owned property. Straightforward and simple. It isn't until all of the property cards are owned that things start to heat up.
Hinata somehow manages to snatch up all four railroads and my little dog seemed to really love to travel. Around the fourth time I owe him the railroad monopoly price the transaction earns him a rough push on the shoulder. He retaliates with a flick to my forehead, lifting himself onto his knees to reach.
"You little," I hiss, going in for another jab when Suga grabs my wrist.
"Behave," he says sternly, shooting me a pointed look. Hinata giggles and sticks his tongue out at me. Puny little bastard. If he thinks I won't punch him over paper money then he's dead wrong.
I get my revenge a few turns later when Hinata spends almost all of his cash on hotels for his pink properties right before landing on one of my reds. After that it's all downhill as he sells houses and mortgages properties every turn until he eventually goes bankrupt. He gathers up all of his paper bills, owing me a pretty large sum after his current roll, and tosses them all at my face. "What the-!" I start to yell, but I'm distracted as Hinata dissolves into a fit of giggles and I'm engrossed in the sound that no instrument could ever recreate, no matter how masterful the musician behind it may be. If sunlight had a sound it would be his laugh.
Once everyone quits laughing at Daichi's cheesy "make it rain" jokes, the mental instability that comes with the clock striking 1am setting in, the game continues, the first casualty of war over and done with.
When Suga's finances start to go downhill he and Daichi start negotiating trades and before I know it Daichi has all of his properties, giving him control of the entire last stretch of the board, and Suga is out.
"Hey! What the fuck just happened?" I ask, dumbfounded as Daichi starts to count out houses for his green spaces.
"Business negotiations," Suga smirks.
"Negotiations my ass," I growl. "You're just helping him win!"
Suga shrugs, laying down on the carpet and propping his head against Daichi's thigh so he can watch the rest of the game and I swear I hear a muttered "you can do it, babe".
Fine. That's cool. I can still pull this off. I'll be damned if I'm going to lose at monopoly in my own apartment.
I don't pull it off.
I'm bankrupt after one trip through Daichi's corner of hell.
"Clean this up and get the hell out of my house," I tell him through gritted teeth, gathering up the pizza boxes from where we sat them on the floor and carrying them to the kitchen. I stand against the sink for a few minutes, rubbing the exhaustion out of my eyes and thinking back to how entranced I was by the music that flowed from between Hinata's lips.
I want to write a song about it, but nothing I could compose will ever come close to the real thing. Even the most gorgeous melody on earth would pale in comparison to what I heard here today. Does he know how beautiful he sounds? Does he understand that he is an instrument that no musician can dream of mastering?
By the time I make my way back into the living room Daichi is sliding the dusty box back underneath the couch and gently nudging Suga awake from where he's dozed off on the carpet.
"I'm going to drive him home," Daichi whispers, pulling him up as he rubs sleepily at his drooping eyes. "Thanks for tonight. It was fun."
"Yeah," I shake his hand before he half carries Suga out the front door. I turn around, ready to grab a blanket and fall into the comfort of my bed when I notice the tiny orange fluff ball curled up on the corner of my sofa, snoring lightly.
I consider waking him, getting close enough to nudge his shoulder before I think against it. He's probably exhausted from his trip and he looks so comfortable, his eyes moving quickly beneath his eyelids as he dreams. I wonder what he's seeing. What does a boy who has the universe inside of his smile see when he closes his eyes at night? I guess that's an answer for another time.
I grab an extra quilt from the closet and drape it over him, lightly tucking the corner before dragging myself to my room and falling like a brick onto the mattress. It's probably the early morning hours digging their fingers into my sleep deprived brain, but as I drift off I swear that my usually icy apartment feels warmer somehow.
***
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