Four months.

That's how long it's been since Dean Winchester was killed.

Four long and pain filled months.

I haven't spoken to Sam since his big brother died.

I told them to wait. I could have killed that little bitch of a demon. I could have done something. But they always leave me behind. I was eating out with Loki when I got the call...the call that crushed my already broken heart.

Sam wouldn't let go of his brother. Bobby and I had to pry Sam off his dead body. Sam wouldn't let us salt and burn his body. He said he would need it.

So we buried Dean Winchester in a pine box. Six feet under. In the middle of nowhere.

Sam left without a word. I stayed with Bobby for a while before I went back to Balthazar and Loki. They tried to comfort me. But nothing worked.

For the first month of his death, I stayed locked in my room. Barely eating anything.

The second month they had gotten me to get out of my room but they couldn't get me out of the house.

The third month I took my anger out on them. And that I regret the most. They said it was fine but I can never forgive myself for it.

Then the fourth month. Instead of taking my anger out on the ones I loved I took it out of the monsters and demons of the world. I killed them without question. I didn't care if they begged for mercy. I never let a single one out of my grasp.

"Cansas. How did it go?" Balthazar asked me as I dropped the bloody machete I held at the door. 

"Fine," I said walking into the kitchen. I washed my hands before I grabbed a beer from the fridge. I sat down at the table and started to chug the thing. Balthazar came in and stared at this with concern. 

"Uh...Loki asked me to tell you he was going to be away for a few days..."

When the bottle was empty I placed it on the table. I got up and grabbed another one. "He said he had to deal with some business- Cansas I don't think that's a very good idea..." Balthazar said as I uncapped the one in my hand. 

"I'm thirsty," I said looking over at him.

"I believe that's what waters for." Before I could say anything back Balthazar's phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket. "Hello?" He answered. He nodded as he listened to the other person talk on the phone. "Uh, Cansas. It's for you." He said handing his phone to me. I took a sip of my drink and put the phone to my ear. "What?"

"Cansas you turned your phone off." Loki's voice rang through the phone.

"Yeah, so what?" I asked taking another sip.

"Maybe that's not such a good idea..."

"You sound like Balthazar." Balthazar crossed his arms over his chest. "What's that supposed to mean?" I rolled my eyes at him and turned around.

"Well...I was just checking in...how did it go with the vampire nest?"

"Fine. When are you getting back?" I took another sip of my drink.

"Not for a few days. But if I get this done fast I could get back sooner then planned."

"Well get done soon. I need you to teach me a few things." I said leaning against the table.

"You can always ask Balthazar to help you. I'm sure he can-" I cut him off before he could continue. "Balthazar can't help me with this particular thing." Loki was quiet for a while before he talked again. "...Oh!...oh, alright I'll hurry back." And with that, he hung up.

I handed Balthazar his phone back. A look of disgust on his face. "Did you really have to...in front of me?" He asked making me smirk. I patted him on his shoulder. "Call if you need me Balthy," I said walking out of the kitchen. I walked into my room and shut the door. I took a long swing of my drink and then placed it on the desk.

Taking my jacket off I grabbed my phone. I scrolled through until I got to Sam's number. With a sigh, I called his phone. It rang. And it kept ringing until it sent me to his voice mail. Hanging up I threw my phone on my bed. Placing my hands on my head I tried not to cry. So instead of getting sad, I got angry.

The windows in my room shattered for the third time that week. I paced back and forth. Like the last hundred times, this has happened. I walked out of my room and over to the bathroom.

A shower. That would help.

It never did.

Once I had changed out of my clothes I got in and let the cold water run over my body. But as my sadness and anger grew the water became boiling hot. It didn't bother me. So I let it burn my skin.

When I had gotten out of the shower I changed into my PJs and made my way downstairs. The smell of food came from the kitchen. I walked in to find Balthazar setting the table. 

"Oh, I was just about to call you. Come sit down." I sat down at my normal spot and Balthazar sat down at his. "I made chicken pot pie. I hope it came out alright. I'm still learning." He said with a smiled before scooping out some for himself.

I took a small amount and started to eat. "It's very good..." I said looking over at Balthazar. "Why thank you." It then fell quiet. This is about what dinner was like. When we were done eating Balthazar went to clean the table but I stopped him. 

"No. I'll do it." And in the blink of an eye, the dishes were clean and put away.

"Thank you, Cansas." He said with a smile. I went to walk out of the room when Balthazar stopped me. "Cansas, wait." I turned back around to face him. 

"I know...you're hurting right now...but I just wanted to say I'm always here if you need to talk. I know you have Loki to talk too but I just want to let you know you're not alone in this. It will get better."

I stood there for a moment. Not knowing what to do. So I walked over to him and gave him a hug which he gladly returned. "Thank you..." I tightened my hold on him a bit. "Of course darling."

My phone rang and I pulled away from Balthazar. I took it out and saw it was Bobby. "Hey, Bobby."

"Hey, Cansas...It's about Dean." I narrowed my eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Well...here hold on a sec." The sound of the phone being handed to someone was heard.

"Hey Candy. Miss me?"