(Scene: in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the Koopa Kingdom)

(Rosalina, Peach, and Daisy are sitting in the grass, surrounding a little makeshift stove, where Rosalina is making ramen. Nearby, Waluigi is bent over a Jeep, taking a look under the hood)

(Engine suddenly sprays CO2 all in Waluigi's face)

: Ack!! (sprays engine with fire extinguisher)

: Did you fix it, Waluigi?

: Er, well, not exactly, darlin'. See...

: You broke it.

: I ain't break it! It's yer fault we've blown a gasket, Peach! When's the last time ya gave this thing an oil change?

: Probably the last time I actually drove it. Which was...how many years ago?

: Just call the dealership. They offer roadside assistance.

: Yeah, sure, I'll get right on dat, once I get some blasted reception. (flips open his cell and waves it around. No bars in any direction)

: (elbowing Daisy) I told you to just let me arrange a royal escort! They actually have new cars. And maps to boot.

: We don't need maps! We've got the GPS!

: The one that ran out of batteries five miles back?

: (getting annoyed) Uh, ladies? Can ya remind me why we're on this little road trip? Cause I'm pretty sure it waddn't worth getting stuck in the middle'a nowhere!

: What do you mean, Waluigi? We've got to figure out who this "King in Green" is, this guy that wants to marry me! (scowls) Or don't you care that someone's trying to steal your girlfriend?

: I care, I care...Sheesh.

: I still say we should've taken an escort.

: Too conspicuous. We can't let Greenie know we're onto him, else he'll never give us Pauline back. (points to her tank top, shorts, and sandals) But just some travelers passing through, asking about this new king of the Koopa Kingdom? Nobody'd give us a second glance!

: I'm wit Peach on this one, darlin'. We shoulda taken the escort.

: Soup's on!

: Uh, Rosalina? Why does that ramen smell so...weird?

: Oh, I just added a little bit of wine. To, you know, give it some zesty flavor.

: Wine in ramen? You never did know how to cook. Why the heck did we pack wine anyway?

: I'm pretty sure we didn't. (picks up the "wine" bottle) Uh, Rosie, darlin'? This is vinegar.

: Wine, vinegar, tomato, tomahto. It tastes fine! Try it! (gives Daisy a spoonful)

: (tastes it and turns green)

: (hands back spoon) Pass on the rest.

: How rude! Waluigi? Peach?

: Ya know, I'm so nervous about bein' stuck out in the middle of this country that I'm kinda not hungry.

: You too? Guess we've both got nervous stomachs!

: Fine, be that way. More for me. (Turns to soup bowl and finds that it's boiling over) What the-?

(Ramen explodes, drenching them all in oodles of noodles)

: (wiping vinegar-scented ramen from her face) So, who's up for hiking until we find a town with some food?

___

(nine bottles of water and seven miles later)

: Hey! I think I spot somethin'!

: A restaurant, I hope.

: Uh, not quite.

(Rainbow-colored tents and carnival rides can be seen in the distance)

: What is that? A circus?

: Circuses sell food.

(They run down the hill and into the circus)

: Man. Haddn't been ta one o' these places since I was in diapers!

: Wow, what is that smell? Is that a funnel cake?

: Nope. (points to a nearby kiosk) Deep-fried Oreos!

: Hmm, you know, now that I think about it... All sorts of people work at circuses, and they go to all different kinds of places for their performances. Maybe we should ask some of the workers about this new king of the Koopa Kingdom and... Hey! (she's suddenly alone; spins around) Peach? Daisy? Waluigi?

: (nearby on a rollercoaster with Waluigi) Whoo-hoo!!! Hands in the air, Waluigi! Hands in the air!

: (screams as they go through a loop-de-loop)

: (at DF Oreo kiosk) Four orders, please. And two funnel cakes. And can I get a couple of sticks of cotton candy, too?

: (angrily) Ugh! What children!!

___

(later)

: Man, Rosalina! You've gotta taste these funnel cakes!! The flavor speaks to my soul!!!

: Hey, Daisy, try eatin' a piece of cotton candy and some of the deep fried Oreos at the same time.

: Are you insane?! With a mouthful that sweet, you'll break out into hives!!

: (stuffs her mouth full of cotton candy and Oreos) 'ike 'is?

: Hey! Will the three of you focus, please?

: What's get yer knickers in a twist, Rosie?

: The three of you children seem to have forgotten why we trekked seven miles in the blazing heat to get to this place.

: I thought it was for food.

: Yes, well... That and the fact that we're supposed to be looking for information on the new king of the Koopa Kingdom!

: Don't be a buzzkill, Rosie! Let's take a break from all the doom and gloom and have some fun!

: Have you forgotten the marriage license, Daisy? We only have four days left to give your secret admirer an answer and rescue Pauline!

: (pales) Just when I was beginning to forget... (sighs) Fine. Waluigi, we're gonna have to save the Drop for later.

: Blast it.

: Okay, I guess we can go around and ask people about the new king... Hey, look!

(Up ahead at a booth wreathed in balloons, a clown is [trying to] twist balloons into all kinds of shapes and animals. He struggles to turn a balloon into an animal, but it blows up in his face)

: Hey! I said I wanted a giwaffe! A giwaffe!!

: Hold on, darn it! I've almost got it... (pops another balloon)

: That's not a giwaffe! You stink! (kicks clown in the shin and stomps off with Kid 1)

: (hopping on one foot) Ow, ow, ow! That's right, run ya brat! And it's giraffe, not giwaffe!!

: Uh, ya sure that's the right person ta be askin'? Shouldn't we, I dunno, find da manager or somethin'?

: Are you kidding me? He's a clown. Clowns are, like, bottom-feeders, so they pick up all sorts of juicy info.

: How rude! It is his fault he couldn't find another job?

: Maybe. Who cares? Let's go.

(They walk up to the clown)

: What'll it be? Cat? Dog? Rhino? Giwaffe?

: Uh, I'll take a cat.

: Coming up. (blows up a balloon, only to have it pop) Darn it. (Blows up and pops another balloon) Darn it. (blows up and pops another balloon) Darn it!

: Uh, hey buddy-

: Gimme a second, folks. Kinda new to this job. Didn't even train me on how to actually make these balloons into animals. Can you believe that?

: Yep, Captain Bro, that's a real shame.

: (freezes) Wh-what?

: Captain Bro?

: H-how did you-

: Wait, you do have a shell. And... (bends over) You do look kind of familiar. (Snatches off the clown nose)

: Hey! Give that back!

: Looks like the cat's out of the bag.

: My, my, it is Captain Bro! What are you doing-

: Shh! Shh! Quiet! Quiet! Keep your voices down!

: Why, bud? Ashamed ta be workin' in a smelly, ratty circus when ya used ta command Bowser's Castle?

: (tic)(tic) You don't have to rub it in.

: He makes a point, Captain Bro. What are you doing working here in the circus?

: (tic)(tic)(tic) What do you think?! You think Luigi was going to keep me in the castle once he took over?

: (thunderstruck) Luigi? (exchanges shocked glances with everyone) Did you? (laughs a little) Did you just say Luigi? What's Luigi got to do with...?

: What, are you deaf or something? Have you seriously not heard?

: Heard what?

: Luigi's the new king of the Koopa Kingdom. Kicked me out of the castle when he usurped me. Why else would I down here in the dirt with all the other rabble?

: (horrified) Luigi's the new king of the Koopa Kingdom? He's the one that wants to marry Daisy?

: How in the name o' Davy Jones did he pull that off? (pause) Daisy? Daisy, darlin'? You okay?

: (smiling)

: (waves hand in front of her face) Is she in-?

: (collapses) (Waluigi catches her before she hits the ground)

: Oh my. She's fainted!

: Wouldn't you if you just found out that the guy crushing on you for years is the king of a dark realm, and kidnapped someone just to get you to sign a marriage license?

: Actually, it might just be a sugar rush. She was stuffing her face with cotton candy and deep fried sweetness a minute ago.

___

(later)

(worker's trailer) (Daisy is resting on Captain Bro's smelly cot with a washcloth on her head)

: Man, I feel a little sorry for ya, Cap'n. Going from big, spacious rooms and four-poster beds ta a cramped little trailer ya gotta share with Little Big Man.

: (on his cot on the other side of the trailer) What scarecrow man say?!

: What did ya call me, ya little ijit?

: Shut up, you idiot! He may be only 3'3, but he bench presses buses, don't you know that?

: He does?

: Well, that's what I've heard, at least. He certainly had enough strength to break me in when the boss first hired me.

: (paling a little) Uh, literally, or figuratively?

: (rubbing his arm) Guess.

: Hahaha! He have bones like toothpick! Snap!

: Owch.

: (groaning)

: Guys! I think Daisy's waking up!

(They gather around as Daisy twitches and wakes up)

: Ugh...sugar rush, sugar rush...

: How're you feeling, Daisy?

: What's that smell... Ugh! (sits up quickly) Whose soiled bed am I lying in?!

: Not soiled, just...dirty. Yeah, everything about this circus is generally dirty. Sorry about that.

: (stands) What made me pass out?

: The fact that Luigi's the new king of the Koopa Kingdom.

: (trips over a soda can and falls)

: Peach! Could you have said that a little more...gently?

: I t-thought that was...a dream...

: Nope, not a dream. Sorry.

: So, ya kinda haven't told us yet. What the heck happened? How'd Luigi become da king of the Koopa Kingdom?

: I don't know what drove him to it... But whatever happened, he just showed up at Bowser's Castle one day and uh...

: Kicked yer butts.

: ...

: ...I knew it.

: You knew?

: (blushing) Erm, well, I wasn't positive... B-But he came up to the Observatory a few months ago for a psychiatric appointment and... (glances at Daisy) He was really broken up about Daisy dating Waluigi. At the end of the appointment, he told me that he knew exactly how to make Daisy, um, jealous.

: ...

: But he wouldn't tell me what the plan was.

: Well sorry to bust your bubble, but that plan just so happened to be taking over the entire sodding kingdom!

: Maybe that's not all bad. Bowser was pretty ineffective as a ruler. Maybe Luigi will actually-

: Not helpin', darlin'.

: So it's Luigi that captured Pauline...captured her and held her against her will just so he could try and get me away from Waluigi.

: He really wants your affection, Daisy. I feel a little sorry for the poor guy.

: The "poor guy"?! (kicks over a dresser, knocking several vintage model cars off the top and onto the floor)

: My cars! What you doing, crazy woman?!

: Shut up! (Little Big Man cowers backwards) I might have felt sorry for Luigi a long time ago...but now? He's gone too far. Kidnapping friends? Trying to force me into a contract? Usurping rightful rulers?

: Hear hear!

: Peach! Call General Toad. I've made my decision.

: Wait, what? General Toad? Um, why?

: We're storming Bowser's Castle.

: Whoa, whoa, wait, darlin'. Um, you sure you ain't jumpin' the gun, here?

: What do you mean, jumping the gun? When would be a better time for action? Who knows what else Luigi would do to try and get at me?!

: Um, maybe you should just talk to him, Daisy? You know, royal to royal? He does have a crush on you, you know.

: Dunno if you'd get close. I hear it's hard to get into the castle these days. He's kinda rallied his army around him. Maybe he's expecting some kind of attack from the MK or Sarasaland.

: Bowser's army? Those weaklings? Some protection.

: Exactly! So we're gonna gather some troops of our own together, storm the castle, knock Luigi out, and put him in jail!

: Daisy, that's so cruel! Can't you give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt?

: Enough talking! Peach! Phone General Toad!

: (flipping open her cell) This will end well.

: Ya think?

___