《Individuals Toxic Behaviors》-Chapter 9 part 2--Zone out -
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I never craved attention until I tasted yours.
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-Chapter 9 Part 2--Zone out --
When Leo and I finished washing up and fixing ourselves, we began heading downstairs.
Leo was carrying me in his arms, of course.
It just felt so strange having someone carry you around, everywhere, like a fragile glass doll that could break at any moment... If you make a tiny mistake, it could break the porcelain doll into millions of pieces.
I told him that I could walk by myself.
Yet, he tells me that "the doctor" told me to "take it easy on the ankle injury." When he told me that, I couldn't help the sigh of frustration from escaping my lips.
He, on the other hand, chuckled at my reaction to his words.
Kevin, on the contrary, disappeared the moment he took off into the bathroom.
When we got downstairs, the first thing I saw was Kevin eating his breakfast and drinking his orange juice quietly. I would never have guessed that a monster could act so civilized in front of people.
My dad was eating and conversing with Ms. Nancy. They were in their own little happy world, not paying attention to their surroundings at all.
When we got nearer to the table, all of them stopped doing what they were doing and looked up at us.
The first one to speak up was my dad. "Good morning, Sweetheart.
How do you feel? " My father's eyes took on this gentle glow as a small warm smile graced his lips. I couldn't help but mimic his small, warm smile back at him.
"A little tired and hurt, Dad," I say, as Kevin pulls back a chair so Leo can place me on it.
But instead of doing that, Leo proceeds to sit on top of the seat, and without even thinking about it twice, he places me on top of his lap.
My cheeks felt warmer than before.
I've never sat on somebody's lap before, especially a guy.
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I try to get off, but Leo tightens his hold on me. not letting me have a chance to escape from him.
Everyone stared at us with wide eyes... or more like stared at Leo with a perplexed expression, as their eyes held curiosity.
I could already imagine all the questions that are popping into their minds right about now.
My heartbeat accelerated when I saw my father open his mouth to speak, but Leo cut him off before he could get a single word out.
"What... There are only four chairs here. If you guys haven't noticed, by now. " Leo quickly points this out, without missing a beat, to their accusing stares.
And yet, it was true that there were only four chairs, yet... There were five plates on top of the table.
"It looks like we have to buy a bigger table. Right love? " My father says as he takes a sip of his black coffee.
"Right, "Ms. Nancy agrees with my father.
Leo puts my plate next to his, side by side. And at first, I honestly thought that he was going to feed me.
I didn't know why. I had the impression that he was going too. But all I knew was that I was already ready to hit him with the glass cup that was full of orange juice in his face if he started even showing any sort of interest in feeding me like a baby bird.
While I was devouring my pancakes that had a little bit of syrup and butter spread on my pancakes that were stacked up on my plate, Leo and Kevin were having a deep conversation about an upcoming game that they had to win.
I zone out into my own little world, just thinking about... How was I even found in the first place? I was completely sure I was dying that day in the basement.
I would've loved to ask my father about it... But now wasn't the time.
How can I say this without sounding bizarre?.... It wasn't a good time to talk about me and my personal internal issues, and especially at breakfast, where everyone was caught up in their own little bubble of conversation, leaving me there, just taking small, quick glances at them and then back down to my plate full of food.
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I felt kind of left out, somehow. A feeling of loneliness washed over me in waves, not letting me feel anything but this aching feeling growing in my chest.
Like an empty shell that fights to not be broken for the smallest and stupidest things... Or is it just that I became conscious that I am replaceable if I show how I really am inside?
I simply didn't know how to act around them, what to say, or how to converse with them... or address them as.
It was getting harder to understand and trust others.
Even to trust my own self.
My thoughts were cut off when I sensed a pair of eyes on me, just waiting for me to look up and see who was watching me quietly as I ate.
When I did, it was my dad looking at me.
Why is he looking at me when he's talking to Ms. Nancy?
Did I do something wrong? No... Of course not. I haven't even been here a day.
When Ms. Nancy looks at me, I tense up slightly. I guess Leo noticed my change in my relaxed state because he looked down at me, stopping the conversation Kevin and he were having.
"What's wrong, little sis?" he says softly as he looks down at me.
"Nothing." I continued eating my breakfast, avoiding my eyes from Ms. Nancy. Leo stares at me for a while, but he eventually goes back into the conversation he and Kevin were having before.
For some reason, Ms. Nancy reminds me of my mother.
Call me crazy... but, the way she looks at me, reminds me of her...
And the way she smiles, too. It's like every time she smiles at me warmly, that warmth of that smile doesn't reach her blue eyes.
And it's making me feel on edge.
Like at any moment, she could snap and break me, as my mother did. Break me in ways I don't want to remember.
In no time, everyone finishes with their breakfast, but before we all get up from our chairs, Leo begins to speak, "Dad... Kevin and I are going to take Emma to practice today.
Can we? "
Ms. Nancy spoke before my father could even answer. " Leo, don't be silly, she can't go outside. She's wounded and she must stay home to heal, as the doctor ordered. "She smiles at the boys, like she likes to call them. And then she looks at me. Daring me to say... otherwise.
"We'll be very careful with her. Plus, she needs some fresh air. Right, Emma? " Kevin quickly says that as he looks at his mother with a pointed look.
I looked at Kevin with wide eyes. Why must he always put me in an awkward situation with him and his mom?
"Emma?" He repeats it without missing a beat, looking back at me. I can see it in his eyes, if I say "no", it will turn out bad for me later.
"A little fresh air won't hurt, I guess. "I say, not looking at Ms. Nancy. I would rather be a company to the twins than stay here with their mom alone in this enormous house.
I just don't trust her. Something deep down in me yells at me to stay as far away from her as humanly possible.
I looked at my father. He was deep in thought, probably thinking of not letting me go with the twins. " Bring her back before 6:00 p.m. She has an appointment with her psychologist, so don't be late."
Both the twins nod as a big smile grows on their faces... Like if they had won something.
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