_______________________________

Hate

I've dealt with it since I was ten

Ridiculed because I simply like men

"That's so gay"

I became ashamed of myself because what they'd say

I didn't choose this

It was just one little kiss—

But everyone saw it

And no one would let me forget it

I wanted to be normal,

I wanted to be straight,

All I ever wanted was to escape their hate

Breathe in,

Breathe out,

"You live in sin!"

"The devil, he taints him"

Breathe in,

Breathe out,

Head down,

Don't shout

This isn't what love is supposed to be about

Breathe in,

Breathe out

"What a freak!"

"I bet he's contagious"

Breathe in,

Breathe out,

Just smile,

Turn the other cheek— don't cry

Love is love, no matter what form,

Just because you think I'm immoral shouldn't make me conform

Gay, straight, lesbian, bi, and pan

Ace, queer, demi, and trans

Agender, bigender, cisgender, omnigender, pangender

Mono, poly, fluid, questioning, expression

So many terms,

Many that I might've sadly forgotten,

But they all translate to human,

Even if it's love between two men

_______________________________

Law is so boring and a lot of effort considering I don't want to do it.

I groan as I walk towards the parking lot, stopping to pick up my chapstick that I dropped.

I feel something cold and metal against my spine, a gun. "Stand up and don't look alarmed."

Trying to come across as confident, I do as the voice says and grab the chapstick before straightening my posture. "Are you going to take me on a date?"

Tony shoves me. "Shut the fuck up. Get in the truck." He motions to a black truck.

My nose scrunches up when I see what type of truck he has, but I follow directions, buckling up. "So where are we going, hotstuff?"

"You're only making this worse for yourself, fag." He growls and points the gun at my head while he drives.

"Why the gun?" I ask. "Obviously a big, strong, alpha, cis-male can take a fag like me." I make sure he doesn't see the eye roll.

Tony stops outside a house and gets out. He grabs me by the shirt and hauls me into the garage where there's a chair set up. He shoves me into it and ties me down with rope before coming to stand in front of me. "Ethan Dechart wasn't a faggot until he met you."

"I'll turn him back," I say, wondering if it'll work because he obviously doesn't understand how being gay works.

He sneers at me. "It doesn't work like that. It's a choice you made and it's a choice you coerced him into making! Are you that fucking desperate?"

"He can take it back. He still likes vagina. I'm not kidding. Vagina and titties, I swear. He's not a fag. He's not gay."

"I don't want him to take it back. He means nothing to me now. I'm here for you." He cracks his knuckles.

Biting my lip, I think. "If you have me, will you touch Ethan?"

"He dies next."

"Please don't." I plead. "Is there anything I can do? Please."

"No. He gets to see you dead. Then he goes next. There's nothing you can do. Not so snarky now, huh, bitch?" He slaps my face.

"Don't fucking touch him or I swear I'll end you." I glare.

"Awww, scared for your lover?" He spits on me. "Pathetic."

I head butt him and spit my blood in his face. "Yeah, scared he'll have to deal with you. You aren't the best person to be around, asshole."

Tony punches me, hard and glares. "You took my family from me! And you have the nerve to call me an asshole?!"

"I fucking told you that he isn't gay. When are you going to get that through your thick skull?" I ask. "Why kill me for being gay? That's pretty fucking hypocritical if you really think about it." I scoff.

"I don't care if Ethan's gay or not. The point is he stood up for you. Him, Scout, Carmen, they all sided with you, a fucking worthless cocksucker."

"Why do you hate me? I'm not a bad person. I've been trying to help your girlfriend. Don't do something stupid. You aren't as dumb as you're acting. I know people in high places and if you kill me, it won't end well for you. You don't want your future to be ruined by some worthless cocksucker, do you?"

"Oh, don't even try to threaten me. You're nothing." He scoffs and punches me again. "You deserve to die."

"I'm a King." I glare, staying strong. "And I won't fucking die without a fight. You're what I hate most, a coward. You can't even fight fair. You hide behind your gun and act big and bad when I'm tied down, but if we were both standing up to fight, you know that you would fucking lose."

Tony gets all up in my face. "I don't know, I gave your boyfriend a pretty good beat down. I would've killed him too if that witch bitch hadn't interfered."

"I'm not Ethan." I state blankly. "I don't give a fuck if I put you on a gurney."

Tony backs up and punches me in the gut this time, grabbing onto my hair and pulling my face up. "You know what, I think you'd look better with a little shave, don't you think?"

"Coward." I smirk. "Do your worst. At least the other people who fought me had a shred of honor. You have none. You're a fucking insect."

"Yeah? Well this insect is going to end you." He snarls and grabs clippers from a desk. He lets go of me and pulls a box over for him to stand on so he can reach. He grabs my head and shoves it against his crotch. "This what you like, faggot?"

I bite down on his dick, hard, not even letting up when I taste blood.

Tony screams and jerks back, stumbling. "What the fuck?!" He pulls out his gun. "You're so fucking dead. Forget slow and painful."

He's about to pull the trigger when the door slams open to reveal Ethan and Scout, Ethan holding a gun of his own and pointing it at Tony.

"Shoot and you're dead." Ethan warns.

"Psst, Scout, could you let me out?" I ask, grinning with what I presume to be a bloody mouth.

Scout takes a step forward and Tony trains his gun on her. "Don't you fucking move!"

"You're outnumbered." Ethan explains. "Drop the gun."

Tony moves the gun to Ethan. "You're not gonna shoot me. You don't have the balls."

"Don't I?" Ethan glares hard into Tony's eyes and he gulps. "Drop it."

Tony drops the gun on the ground and holds his hands up. Ethan runs in to keep him in place while Scout runs to me.

"Hey." I smile. "These ropes are giving me a rash. You saw it, didn't you? You told Ethan."

"Yes." Scout cuts the ropes with a pocketknife. "You are brave."

"Thank you." I stand up and walk over to where Ethan is and punch Tony in the face, satisfied when I hear his nose break. I grab the gun from Ethan and nudge his shoulder. "You did good, Cowboy. I think I was the only one besides maybe— probably Scout and yourself who knew you never turned the safety off."

He smirks. "You know I hate guns."

Tony growls. "Motherfucker—"

"Down, doggie." Ethan holds him down. "Scout, call the police."

"Already on it." Scout says from the corner where she's on Ethan's phone.

"He threatened to kill you, Ethan," I say, putting the gun away.

"And you." Ethan looks at me. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"I told you I could take care of myself. He's honestly more beat up than me. Look, his dick is still bleeding just like his nose." I cross my arms. "What type of dumbass would try and kill someone in their own house? Scout and Ethan know where you fucking live."

"I wasn't really gonna kill ya," Tony says. "Just rough you up a bit."

"Scout, was he going to kill me?"

"Yes."

"Coward."

Tony glares at me, but doesn't say anything. Ethan drops him and cleans the blood from my face with his sleeve. "You're a fucking badass, Charlie King."

"Thanks." I keep an eye on Tony and smirk. "I can't wait until Ma represents us in court. It'll be over before it even starts."

Tony sneers. "You're not the only one with good lawyers, jackass."

Ethan ignores him and presses his body closer to mine. "Maybe when we get home, I'll let you fuck me."

My eyes widen and I whisper. "Ethan, what the fuck?"

He chuckles. "Just roll with it." He presses his lips to mine and waits, giving me the chance to back away.

Conflicted, I wait for a while before properly kissing him back.

Ethan releases me and smiles. Tony spits on his shoes. "You're fucking disgusting."

Ethan kicks him over. "And you're pathetic."

"So, Tony, if you have the money to afford a lawyer that you think is equal to a King, why did you have Ethan rob a convenience store?" I ask, resting my arm on Ethan's shoulder.

"For the hell of it." Tony answers. "A man's gotta learn how to make his own money."

"Doesn't sound like making money at all to me, just stealing." I shrug. "I guess I shouldn't expect more from someone who is scared of a gay eighteen year-old."

Tony stands. "I'm not fucking scared of you!"

"Be a good boy and sit in timeout until the cops come, okay?" I ask, wiggling my fingers. "Unless you want me to turn you gay."

Tony stays where he is. "I hope you get aids, freak."

"I hope you have anal sex in prison."

We hear sirens and Ethan presses the button to open the garage.

I grab Ethan's hand and bury my face in his shoulder. "We did it."

He wraps his arms around me. "You did it."

"Are you going to be up my ass because I got a little hurt?" I ask.

"No," he rubs my back soothingly. "Though I would like to be up your ass in other ways."

"Perv. I'm actually in pain right now. I'd rate it a solid six point five." I get closer to him. "You basically kissed Tony's dick by the way."

"Why do you keep doing that to me?" He groans. "And don't worry, I'm going to coddle the fuck out of you, but like you said, you can take care of yourself, so I'm not gonna go all bodyguard on ya."

I tighten my grip on his hand, ready to face questioning. "Yeah, I'd like that."

♥︎ • ♦︎ • ♣︎ • ♠︎

When we get home, I can't stop the silent tears that fall down my face as I crawl onto the couch and curl up. This whole experience was too much and I wish I didn't have to go through with it. I was so scared, so, so scared for Ethan, especially when I remember how his fight with Tony went last time. The thought of him dying shook and still shakes me to the core and with all of the adrenaline and façades over, the dam that was holding my flood of emotions finally bursts open.

Ethan silently crawls onto the couch with me and wraps his arms around me, holding me close.

"H-He was gonna kill you, Ethan." I sob, holding him close. "You weren't there; you didn't see what I did. He was so full of rage and it was all because of m-me."

Ethan runs his fingers through my hair. "I'm so sorry, Charlie. The only reason he went after you was because I got you involved in my bullshit. But I wouldn't change a second if it, because without you, I wouldn't know who I am. I'd still be running around with them, stealing, and who knows what the hell else. You gave me an out to a very toxic situation. You gave us all an out. None of us had even realized how much Tony was poisoning us. You saved me."

"I was scared you'd k-kill him if he killed me..." I confess. "I couldn't bear it... I didn't know if you'd come, but I'm glad you d-did... I was holding my own, but I'm no superhuman... I'm just a mortal. When you walked in, part of me thought he was going to pull the trigger... and that you'd get a front row ticket to my death."

"I was scared too." He holds me tighter. "And... I'm sorry you had to be scared of me, of what I might do. I'm sorry, Charlie. I just... I just... I really care about you."

Grabbing his hands, I kiss them. "I really care about you too. That's why I was scared. These hands are meant for art and future archeology, not for taking lives. You bring life, not destroy it."

"I never wanted to kill anybody." Ethan shrinks. "Tony was right, I don't have the balls. I don't know how I'd live with myself if I... if I..." Ethan's voice cracks and I feel him start to tear up.

I run my fingers through his hair, my eyes still flowing. "It's okay. Let it out."

He cries, pressed up against my body. "I'm so glad you're alive. I-I don't know if I could live—" He stops, breaking into more ugly sobs.

Crying as well, I hold him as he holds me. "I'm here, I'm here. I'm right h-here, Ethan. It's okay."

"I'm here for you too." He sniffles. "We're a goddamn gay mess." He chuckles through his tears.

"I want to take a shower and brush my teeth, but my body hurts."

Ethan wipes his tears and gets a hold of himself. "I can give you a bath." He offers.

"Thank you." I blush. "I'm sorry that you're taking care of me again."

"Shut up," Ethan smiles. "I love taking care of you."

"I really need to start returning the favor." I sigh and hold my arms up for him to carry me.

Ethan carries me to the bathroom and sits me down on the edge of the tub. He plugs the drain and turns on the hot water before beginning to peel my clothes off. "Is there anywhere you don't want me to touch?"

"No. Some places are tender, but you can touch them. You can touch all of me."

He smiles tenderly and pecks my lips before easing me into the water. "You can touch all of me too. How's it feel?"

"Sore. He punched me in the stomach. I head butted him and he slapped and punched me, so I have a pretty bad migraine too. At least my dick doesn't need stitches and I don't have a broken nose though." I pat Ethan's dick. "Don't worry, I'll never bite your dick like that. Only kisses."

"I appreciate that." He smiles and pours some of my shampoo into my hair before lathering it in with his hands. "He's a bastard. I hope he rots."

"Do you ever think that it'd just be easier to just... pretend to be straight? Like do you miss it? The lack of drama, the lack of fear?" I close my eyes.

"Sometimes," Ethan admits. "But it feels so good to just say it, you know? To know who I am and to be who I am. I feel like I finally understand why my brother is so stubborn about being out despite how much pain it's brought him."

"It's probably very hard on him. Think about it. It's just... hard for everyone... I'd be so scared if Ryder was my brother." I frown. "People are just so... so... so toxic. They judge and make assumptions. They can be super close minded and rude. The community isn't even one hundred percent accepting. Everyone should be banding together, yet there are still divisions. We can't even get married legally in all of the states. It's just hard, but we have to endure."

"Yeah," Ethan sighs and starts to wash my body gently. "It's sad. At least Ryder passes now, so he's a little safer."

"That's the problem," I whisper. "He shouldn't have to do anything to 'pass.' No one should. It's our lives. We choose how we want to live them."

Ethan nods. "I hope Tony learns."

"Me too. I hope the world learns." I bite my lip. "When I was younger, the fact that I was gay used to bother me a lot. I would get so sad. I'd wonder why I couldn't get married, have a daughter, and just live. I wanted to be straight, but it just didn't work. I tried so hard, but it just doesn't work like that. Tony said it was a choice and it's not... It's just how I am and nobody, not even me can change that."

Ethan nods in agreement before looking at me. "Do you want to get married?"

"Sometimes." I play with my hands. "As I get older, I lose hope. I don't have that innocent faith any more. I know the realities and I know that I'll probably never find myself married. It's just the way it is and I'll have to deal with it."

"You know, refusing any and all possibilities of having a romantic relationship really doesn't help." Ethan points out, lifting my foot to wash.

"One day you'll understand." I close my eyes. "It's all a big fucking mess."

Ethan is silent while he finishes washing me and begins to rinse my hair.

"If the mess ever got cleaned up, I'd love to love and be loved by someone." I confess softly.

"How is someone supposed to clean up the mess?" Ethan asks, almost in a whisper.

"That's the problem, isn't it? I don't know. The only thing I know is that I have to be the one to clean it up."

"Sounds like the only thing holding you back from what you want... is you."

"Oh, Ethan, if only you really knew."

"Don't get all condescending at me." Ethan growls and finishes rinsing my body off.

"I'm sorry. It's not grand knowledge." I grab his hand and kiss it. "Please don't be upset with me."

"How am I supposed to know, Charlie? How is anyone supposed to know if you don't tell them?" Ethan stands.

"Ethan, please. I'm sorry. Don't leave me."

"Don't be sorry." Ethan says. "Make a change." He cups my face and sighs. "And I would never leave you."

"Thank you." I place my hand over his and rest my head on his shoulder. "I've been trying for going on nineteen years now, Ethan. I'm trying to make a change."

"You could start by talking to me." He urges.

"You really are beautiful, you know that, right?"

"So are you." He lifts me out of the bath and sets me down on the sink counter.

I grab my toothbrush and toothpaste and get to work, looking into his eyes once I've finished. "Can you hold me?"

"Yes." Ethan answers. "But if you won't talk to me, then you're damning yourself."

"It's been a long day. I'm just frazzled." I grip his shirt. "I just need you close. I'm scared."

Ethan sighs and picks me up, carrying me to my room. He tucks me into bed and joins me, wrapping his arms securely around me.

I wrap my arms around him as well and hum contently, automatically feeling better. "You're perfect."