4.11.2022 2:11 PM

Part I

At around 3 am on 12.06.2022, I woke up from sleeping on the lounge chair in Aleister's living room. Only to see Eve and Said in a scuffle. I'd only moved back in a few days then. Adam had told me I had to leave his house when he saw I was making black salt. He disrespected me by blowing out my lit green (or brown?) candle as soon as he said it. There was no time in-between. And I thought. Okay. I was happy to leave. The only place to go? Back to Aleister's. And I was fine with that. Although I knew they were working on me spiritually. The familiarity and just having more "loved ones" around me was all I thought I needed at the time. I thought with spiritual strengthening I got from my prayers and rituals. I could cut whatever sPiRiTuAl blow they send my way. Especially the ones coming from Aleister. And for the most part. I think I did alright. But one of the first things I noticed about living there. Was that the atmosphere was very HEAVY. The tiredness and slot I felt was indescribable. Very unearthly. But set my alter. Lit my candles, one after the other. And prayed through the noises around me. Whenever they disturbed.

I immediately knew something was up when Aleister had put ornaments where my alter was set. It was bugging her. That would soon lead to her getting mad at me for lighting candles. Telling me not to light them. I was angry and stood up for my right. It was a Spiritual Baptist household after all. The faith THEY grew me up in. They could light their candles, but I couldn't light mine? It turned into an argument of who owned the house and had a say in the matter. I didn't give a fuck for the semantics. I stood for my right as a spiritual person to practice my spirituality.

And the disallowance told me all I needed to know. That Aleister was working on me. I was a very valuable freed slave to her. I was just the one who fought back the most. I remember a time. While there at that time. I was sleeping on the old lounge chair, turned over. Only to see Aleister hovering over me. She was near the lit purple candle I had overhead on a Spacesaver. My alter. As our eyes made four, she just walked away like she was doing nothing. Another time. I was just up and walking about. Pacing, thinking. Stopped me dead in my tracks with a small scream leaving my mouth. She was behind me for how long I don't know.

Eve too was acting strange. There was something that I wanted from her. I can't remember what it was, But in order to get it. I had to where my St. Francois Girls College school shirt. Already 4 years old with me no longer needing to wear it. I found that odd. It was one of the most depressing times of my life then. I regretted being talked into attending. Barely passed any of my CAPE subjects. A waste of 2 years I call it. I asked her to change the "but I have to" cuz there was no way I was wearing it. Especially for no fucking reason. And coming to think of it. I wondered if it was mounted. Again. One of the most depressing times of my life having to wear it. I woke up to it covering me like a sheet the next morning. Ripped it off me right away. I went to Eve and told her I'd burn it to bits if I see it on me again.

The shirt would disappear again.

Anyway. That morning at about 3 am I thought they were dancing until I saw Said crash into the other lounge chair. Eve's weight on her while pulling a bag from her. I identified the bag as belonging to Said and knew immediately what was happening. I speeded to Said's defense. Asking Eve what the fuck was going on. Telling her to leave Said alone. But she said no. That anything could be in Said's bag. Drugs. Sharp objects to end her life with. It was ridiculous. I immediately identified the fearmongering tactic. Called bullshit and started pulling at Eve's arm while Said fought for their bag. It was now three-person scuffle. I was trying my hardest and darndest to get Eve off of Said. But Eve had her reinforcements. She'd called out to a vine member. One who was supposed to know better. But Supposed immediately started to pull Said's bag away from her. And I jumped in on that. Trying to pull the bag away from them while Eve was now trying to pull me away from the bag.

All the while I fruitlessly argued that Said was old enough to have her privacy and Eve was just obviously making excuses to be the boundary lacking bitch she always is. And my arguments weren't fruitless because they didn't make sense. No. They were fruitless because I'd completely forgotten that Supposed had made a free slave out of Said as well. There's no way they'd fight for their precious mule to have her deserved freedoms.

And to make the long story a bit shorter. They'd gotten her bag and Supposed's man servant took it to her room and locked the door. I opted to throw missiles through the blcok holes above their bedroom door. Anything sharp and breakable I could find. I kept banging and screaming to give the fucking bag back. To no avail.

At some point Eve had got me in a bear hug near the living room table. With me trying to break free from her hold. I kept telling her to let me go whilst so. Which would eventually lead to me leaning both our weights into the table. Me successfully reaching a pencil. And sticking it where I could. It didn't matter where to me. I just needed to get her off of me, and as it would go. She started screaming that I stabbed her in her face with pencil. That I tried to take out her eye.

I wasn't listening but getting ready to arm myself just in case she'd try to bear hug me again. I darted to the kitchen to get a teacup. Eve was 100 more pounds than I was then. And she's taller. It was only fair that I get to work with missiles. I'd gotten to the living room again to see Aleister coming at me for what I did. She had already shoved me twice prior. But she was old. I wasn't paying attention to her at all. More focusing on getting around Eve to get to Supposed's room to dart more missiles through the block holes.

Aleister was getting in the way. And not only that. She shoved me hard. And I was bloody rage in that moment. My fight reflexes were on. And before I knew it. Blood was coming out of Aleister's head. With her bellowing She hit meh with a teacup! She buss meh head! I didn't think the human head could spew so much blood. It's a miracle I didn't pass out with how much I saw. Hell, it's a miracle she didn't pass out. In split seconds I was thinking about having to do time if she died from the blow. But no. Aleister's strong for being old.

I still feel the need to protect Said. So I can't go into everything that happened thereafter. But the police was called. Not by the aggressors. I called twice. Said's belongings were removed from the house. Not without Aleister telling her she was going nowhere. But there was nothing Aleister could do ultimately. The police were there. Escorting Said from the house with her things.

And today still. Still. Eve tries to blame that on me. Said's disappearance from the family. She pulled the guilt trip on me again today while I was getting food from her. I dealt with it better this time. I can't say I just "forgot it". I just remember it as an abusive guilting tactic. As if grabbing her bag and fighting her for it wasn't what drove Said away. She needs it to not be her fault oh so very badly.

Oh. And guess what was in it.

The bag.

Rocks.

Collections, really.

Even I have them:

All of that madness and abuse over A Bag of Rocks.

Part II

In the mist of Said finally escaping. Aleister asked me where I was going to go live. I flat out told her that I was going nowhere.

I had nowhere else to go.

The following two days would be normal. I slept heavily like I would. Tried having conversations with the family like I normally would despite the lack of return. I thought Okay. This would be the worst of it thus far. But ultimately this is a toxic and abusive family. We know ourselves. We're not learning. Just getting past this hurricane until the next storm. We'll be okay until then. My thought process was put at a halt when Eve told me not to light a black candle in my prosperity ritual.

For those of you looking at me a bit suspiciously. Here's what lighting my black candle is usually for:

Fighting evil,

Protection,

To absorb or remove evil,

To unblock,

For binding evil,

For banishing evil,

Removing curses,

Removing hexes,

Uncrossing rituals,

Absorbing and destroying negative energies,

Repelling black magic,

Protection from illness,

Protection from evil,

Removing confusion,

Ridding of bad habits,

Healing discord,

Enhancing inner strength,

Resilience,

Self-control,

Powerful healing,

Support through loss and grief,

Making drastic life changes,

Offers protection from illness, evil and negative energies cast upon you from outside forces, exorcises evil spirits,

Used to break up a blocked or stagnant situation,

Eliminates obstacles,

For help leaving behind old sorrows and redundant relationships (call me out),

To reverse and break up negative thought forms,

Used for new beginnings.

What it's not usually used for:

Black Magic.

I explained this to Eve, even offered evidence of my claims:

spiritualmagickal.com/candle-colors-meanings.htm

She still said no. That I couldn't light it. And that followed the argument, for the second or third time. That I wasn't doing anything wrong. That even God was a part of my personal rituals. That he created each colour for a good purpose. People just use it for bad purposes. And that's not me. I'd even argued that I just wanted to use it to get a job, employment. I wanted to make money. And the black candle wasn't the only one I was using. It'd be used alongside white, orange and green. She still said no. And that stirred up the argument about the cococea fexes I found under my bed. I asked them why it was okay for them to do that, but it wasn't okay for me to light a black candle for a FUCKING GOOD PURPOSE. Eve would ultimately lie to me and blame that on me. Again. Saying I was the one who put it there to make it look like they were doing something bad to me. And that would ultimately lead to me just lighting my candles and praying:

In that moment I did not care. I cared about my spirituality not being suppressed more than whoever the fuck owned the place and had the say. Aleister came out in the living room quarrelling about what I did. Until everything just got quiet. I was happy in that moment because finally. An ounce of freedom and protection. But that's all I was allotted before a family friend showed up. I thought nothing of their presence. I was used to them showing up nearing the weekend. They cut grass and groom the yard space or whatever. It wasn't until they'd said they were there to get me and all my stuff to take me back to Adam's house did I start asking questions. Adam being the first person I questioned. I called him and asked if I was allowed to light my candles and incense upon returning to the house and he said no. That was all I needed to know. I hung up. Turned to my vine members and said I wasn't going anywhere.

I suggested they call the police. Even though it wasn't in my favour. I could believe they were doing what they were doing. Very much like them. I'd even say my actions warranted it. But to be fair, to me. It wasn't an effect without a cause. It was when the family friend brought up being committed to St. Ann's did I finally decide to be homeless. I was thinking about it for months. And trust me the abuse was heavy from the jump with Adam. I know now that Adam did mean it when he first said he was happy to see me. I know now he did not mean the I love you that would follow that statement. With what I experience thus far. I knew it was the furthest thing from love. He's schemed to make living with him the most unsufferable and debilitating thing I could experience in a household. So yeah. I'd thought about being homeless instead. They say it's easier to survive trying to survive on your own than living with abusive folks.

So, weighed the odds. Living with Eve, living with Adam, or being homeless. I packed up my backpack with whatever I would need while they questioned me on what my decision was going to be. I didn't answer them. I packed up another bag with the things I thought would get me through the homelessness. Then left. I'd already picked a spot where I'd sleep for the night. Had it in my mind for months. And when I got there, I found two drug dealers had taken my spot. One of them was "friendly", too "friendly". Had put on the fakest American accent for some reason. I kept trying to not be impolite by laughing so hard. He sold cocaine he said. And offered me a place to rest my head until morning and I took him up on his offer. I'd underestimated the elements of the night. It was freezing before I knew it.

I practically had no choice. And surprisingly, despite being practically a trap house. There was a bed. And I slept on that bed like I was sleeping on my own. Slept too heavy for where I was, I'll admit. But I woke up fine. No one touched me or robbed me.

I had work that morning. But went to HDC immediately. And what'd ya know. Although it was a business day. They weren't taking citizens for Emergency Housing in that day. Told me I had to come back the next week. That absolutely appalled me. And again, I have to count my lucky starts Adam thought to be smart enough to not hit me outright. Because I kept thinking what if he was super abusive. Well, maybe showing up with a black eye and a bloody nose is what it'll take for HDC to set aside apartments for criminals, squatters and those truly in need of emergency housing.

But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that. Anyway. Security turned me away and I had no choice but to be truly homeless. And still I went to work that day as usual. Had to work at JD's Mall that day. It was while working did I get a message from Daniel telling me to come stay with her. That she'd rather have me than see me homeless:

It's the You are my only full sister and the And you know I can't leave you to suffer that's stayed with me.

Anyway.

I denied her at first. Believe it or not. Because I didn't believe her. There was a long history of strife between us. And most of it was blamed on me. Because no one takes the blame but me in my "family". So, in the countless times of me asking her to stay at her place in the past. When I was being abused and just needed her help. She said no. So I didn't believe her. Had even said I'd be alright on my own. Made myself seem like I'd have been a problem.

It wasn't until I was at Independence Sqaure did I realize that it may have been in my best interest to take her up on her offer. I found myself laying down in the middle in the street. And no stranger was treating me well at all. A guy came up to me while I was laying down. Hit me on my shoulder and started cussing at me. Another person, while I had my beggars cup out in front on me under a tree, had kicked it away from me and laughed. That was my first "outside" experience of severe abuse.

A man kicked away my begging cup from me because he knew he could get away with it. He laughed at me while I was crying. Then walked away like it was nothing to do. Just a walk in the park. It was then I remember that there are more anti-social people in the population than statistics would show. The "order" in society is what's keeping their masks on. And that made me try to reach out to Daniel again. Except I was blocked on WhatsApp now. That too should have been a sign of the farce in her "help".

So I'd reached out to her via SMS and she responded. Unblocked me and called me back. Saying that she blocked me because I didn't want her help, and that was all on me. We spoke for a bit more until I finally said yes. I'd stay with her.

She sent me her location via WhatsApp, and I headed straight to where she directed me to go: