I have to grin through the pain and pretend that I'm okay;

Because they don't understand that my heart's still breaking.

They don't know what I'm dealing with inside of my head and the pain that I feel in my chest.

Or how I love to see them smile

But I don't know how to be the one that makes them laugh anymore.

I haven't heard it in a while

And it kills me inside 'cause I'm wasting the days locking that door.

Oh, and I know they just don't get it yet;

But fuck, they shouldn't have to live with my regrets.

And maybe this is me being strong and trying my best;

But god damn, I feel the weakest that I've ever felt before.

How do I hide my pain without showing my shame?

I never meant to become so empty but I'll take all the blame.

They never should've had to hurt.

I never took the time to explain that this isn't what any of us deserved.

So why does it feel like I deserve this?

I don't know when it became so hard to live.

Fighting thoughts of self destruction- has comfortably become my bliss.

I just feel so obsolete.

I know I'm not hopeless,

but hoping feels so exhausting lately.

I just always wanted to be the thing that they all need.

These days I'm ashamed that they ever could've needed me.

How could I be good for them if I wasn't even good for me?

And I know I said that I'm better now,

But that was just the fear talking through the painful truth that you see;

'Cause 'better' is something I might never be.

Who was I to expect to see a difference in myself,

When I never even tried to change into the person that I desperately wanted myself to be?

I guess I've always been a fake.

I hate to say that they deserved so much more than me.

I'm clinging to a verdict that won't ever favor me.

Holding on to a past that I can't change,

In case I ever need to explain why I've become so empty.

This is just what I've become,

But I don't believe it's who I was meant to be.

If there was a way to see the light,

I'd probably shut my eyes and close the blinds

because my soul's just too cold now to set me free.

I'm so sorry for my broken emotions.

I swear I never wanted to hurt them.

I hope they know that I always thought I'd turn back into the fighter

that used to make them all feel safe.

I never braced my mind for the fact that I might not ever be able to come back.

I'll always continue to hold on to the memory of who I was before things got so bad.

Maybe one day she'll find her way.

Until then,

I just hope they understand that this was never what I had pictured for them.

I had different visions when they were still holding my hand.

Faking it was never part of the plan.