Zahara

It is just after midnight when we finally drive back to campus. The ride is quiet. Leo is driving this time and I am sandwiched between Mason and Jose.

Many things are hanging in the air. So many questions to be asked and answered. So many assurances. New promises. And the greatest of all, the palpable lust. It's so thick its almost choking me at this point.

My leg bounces as my mind races trying to make sense of everything. My mind drifts back to 9 years ago, after we left the Bianchi mansion. My parents hadn't given me an explanation then, but my father had told me we couldn't be associated with the other four families any longer. That they would bring us down because they were criminals and would destroy us. Said he was giving us a better life and that my friends wanted nothing to do with me.

I had tried to reach out to Mason six months later, but he told me to never contact any of them again and that I was a traitor. I had cried for months. I had started a new school and I was getting bullied so much I begged my parents to home school me. There was a group of girls who'd beat me every day.

It would have never happened had they been there. I wanted to tell Mason, maybe he could help, and I missed him, but he rejected me too and my world crumbled around me. I blamed them for a long time for not protecting me from everything until I grew a little and I realized they were kids too.

A hand clamps my knee to stop my movement. It brings me automatic comfort.

"What are you thinking about?" Jose says, concern lacing his voice

"Just how fucked up everything got. How we went from the happiest kids to instant enemies due to not our choosing."

"We don't hate you, Zar."

"Well, maybe you should. I kinda hate you."

"No, you don't." Mason's says matter of factely

"You don't know that."

"You wouldn't be here giving us a second chance if you did. You know, like we do that we are stuck with each other, for better or worse."

"That is so sad."

"We belong together, Zar, you know that."

"I wish we didn't. So much has happened to all of us. We are not the kids we used to be. So much shit has happened. I don't even know any of you anymore and you don't know me. I am not that girl anymore."

"Of course, you are. You've just forgotten yourself."

"And you will remind me?"

"Yes."

Silence befalls the car for a few minutes before I spit out my truth.

"I am afraid." I pause. "I don't think I'll survive again this time."

Silence befalls the car once more. I meet Leo's eyes on the rearview.

They are all intent on dragging me to hell. And I am powerless to say no even though I can see all the red flags, but I still want it. I am probably a masochist, but I want it. I know they'll hurt me. I know but I still want it.

I know I don't know what they are planning, and they are probably wanting to use me to hurt my father, but I want to fall in their arms once more.

"What happened to you, Zaza?" Jose pulls us all out of our wonderings

I feel the weight of mason's eyes on my cheek. And I wonder if he told them. But who am I kidding, we never used to hide anything from each other. They know and they didn't exactly call to say otherwise, and they left me alone.

"You know, a lot. Life." I give the bullshit answer

What would be the use of narrating for them my whole life story now. It's all done. Nothing can change it.

The car pulls to a stop, and I see the outside of their house. I haven't been here before, but I know they are the only students who occupy an old staff house. I guess the syndicate were too good for the dorms. Mason takes my hand, and I look at all of them with knitted eyebrows. What are they planning?

"We are just here to talk. Its more space than your small dorm."

"Only talk, right?"

Bas grins. "I mean, if you want more, we won't say no, but we want to talk. I think we are overdue the conversation."

My heart rate starts getting back to normal.

Mason opens his door and I follow. We walk into the house and mason leads me to the couch. He sits down and he pulls me to his lap. Bas sits next to us, and he takes one of my feet and takes off my shoe. Wearing the platforms had been a great idea at first but I had certainly felt it.

I close my eyes and expel a small moan when he starts rubbing them. I feel Mason stiffen under me and I open my eyes. I find four pairs of eyes intent on me, and I clear my throat.

"Right, um...begin."

They all chuckle.

Jose hands me one of the beers in his hands. "I don't drink, but thanks."

"You really don't drink at all?"

I shrug. "I was always with security, so I didn't get many opportunities to do things young people do."

I see something uncomfortable flash in their eyes before its gone the next moment.

"So, any friends from the last school?" Bas asks casually. Glad someone is trying to not make this so hard.

"Nah." I reply simply

"Why?" Leo asks, seeming curious

I smile bitterly. "Turns out that saying 'the sins of the father,' people really take it seriously."

I cast my eyes down, not able to look at them anymore. I reach for the beer in Leo's hand, and I throw my head back. If I'm going to talk, or we are going to talk about whatever we have to talk about, then maybe I need something in my system. I spit it out when the taste hits me. It lands on their coffee table. They laugh.

"Oh, my fuck, why do you drink that?"

Jose rises and heads to the kitchen.

"Still have a sweet tooth, I see." Mason comments

"And your tastes have definitely evolved." I reach with my hand to take the napkin in Jose's hands. He doesn't give it to me.

"You don't have to clean up my messes, Jose."

He gives me a look and he continues to wipe the table. I roll my eyes and fold my hands.

"Still a pouty child." Leo says as he brings a blunt to his lips

"I'm not pouty."

"Okay, Hoshi." Leo mutters as he blows out smoke.

The nickname stabs at my very soul. Whatever they are doing they aim to play at my feelings. Maybe they want to break my heart. But I'm like that person in movies, they see the train about to hit them, but they don't move.

At the beginning of the year, they loathed me, then now all of a sudden, they are trying to get in my good graces. I know it's stupid for my heart to leap even to the bare minimum, but I can't stop what I feel. They were my best friends since we were born. What we shared is so deep that I would have to physically carve my heart out to remove them there.

I thought I had moved on from all we shared but it is clear I haven't. I know I'm in shit, but I can't move. I need this, whatever it is they will give me. I've been lonely for too long.

Jose hands the blunt to me after he takes a hit. I take the first hit and I exhale.

"No, not like that. The smoke needs to go into your lungs before you breathe out." Jose shakes his head.

"So literally cancer." I say

They all chuckle. He takes it from me, and he shows me. I take it back and I practice after moving from Mason's lap. I cough a few times, but I finally get it. The blunt goes around and before I know it its back to me. I started feeling the effects. My body relaxed and my mind got lighter as my insignificant worries faded away.

"Sebastian says you guys want me, what's up with that bullshit?" I throw the question out there looking at this little picture they have hanging on top of their fireplace. It's a landscape. No doubt Leo. It looks artsy.

"It's not bullshit, Zara." Mason says from next to me and I don't turn to him.

I cast my gaze to Leo. There I know I'll find the truth. He looks a little relaxed than earlier. But there's still too much worry on his handsome face. So much darkness. Not like the boy I used to know.

"What happened to you guys?" my eyes land on Jose and Bas. They understand my meaning.

"Life. You know, its life." Jose answers

"Bullshit." I pause. "But I'll let you have your secrets. You don't owe me any truths, or loyalties anymore." My voice unexpectedly cracks, and tears fill my face I close my eyes and tilt my head.

I try to breathe but my chest tightens further the more I try to hold on to the wild horse that is my emotions. I feel warm hands and looming bodies near me, and I don't open them. Afraid they will see me. Afraid they'll see my desperation, all my weaknesses.

They had each other and I was all alone. Even when they had shit going on, they had each other. I was alone with the bullies, the fights. Just me. All the promises we made to each other ground to dust as none of them came to save me.

A body comes close to my right and another before me, then I feel a presence behind the couch standing over me. I don't want them to see my tears now just flowing to my ears.

"Talk to us, little star."

Those words undo me, and I shake as I sob. It feels like all the tears I've stopped all these years have built so much pressure that I can no longer keep the lid on them. I try to lift my hands to cover my ugly crying face, but hands hold them. Warm hands from the looming body hold my face on both sides.

"Let it all out, Zar."

I cry for a few minutes with them not letting me hide from them or pressuring me to open my eyes. They could be laughing at me right now and I wouldn't know. When I start to come down, one body leaves, the one in front and I can't help the curiosity anymore, I open my wet eyes.

Leo's face greets me. He's the one looming over me, holding my face. Jose was the one sitting before me. He comes back with napkins. He helps me blow my nose and they wipe my face. Each cleaning their own section.

I know it's stupid of me to hope for the boys I used to know but I hope anyway.

"Tell us what ails you, sweetheart." Mason murmurs in a tone so gentle, I almost forget everything

I shake my head. "You guys haven't answered me."

Mason turns my face to him with his hand. He stares at me for a few moments. Then he crashes his lips in mine. I am taken by surprise, but I don't fight it as my whole body feels abuzz. The kiss is demanding, and he claims me as his once more.

A second pair of lips connects with my neck, and I shudder. Feeling myself getting taken far, I pull away, lest I am too far gone too soon. I pull away panting and I shrink from the neck kiss. Leo gives me one last lick before he moves. I realize I have to look at them again and I close my eyes shut.

'Lord, make me disappear.' I pray in futility

I hear chuckles near me, and I peep with one eye. They all wear amused faces.

"What?" I ask

"You still close your eyes when we kiss you."

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd grown out of that?" bas grins

"Grown out? I've been dead for 9 years." I only realize after I finish what I've just said, and it makes the air tense. Fuck. I shouldn't have said anything.

I clear my throat.

"I, uh, I need the bathroom." I say as I shift in my seat

Jose rises and offers me his hand, and I take it. I leave the tense atmosphere and I follow him upstairs. He takes me to his room. I know it's his room because of all the artsy pictures of daggers. I find him sitting on his bed when I get out. He rises and I shake his head.

"Joseph, I don't wanna go out there. I made everything awkward." I sit next to him on the bed

He smiles a sad smile. "You know we all care for you, Zaza. We are just trying to build a bridge between us."

I exhale. I don't know what to say. I want to get in the bridge too but trust issues. So, I don't say anything.

He places a hand on my knee. "What do you need me to do?"

I look at him for a moment. He reminds me so much of when we were growing up. He was always my soldier. Ready to fight next to me, whether I was right or wrong.

"I want to go back to my place to sleep, I need to think."

"Sleep here." He says and I don't miss the hopeful note to his tone. When he sees my hesitation he adds, "I'll keep them all out and I will sleep on the floor."

I sigh. "I can't inconvenience you like that. Besides I have nothing to sleep in here and I doubt my naked body would do any of us any good."

I want to curse at myself when I see desire flash in his eyes. I must remind myself to never smoke weed again. It throws my filter out the window.

"I'll borrow you my shirt." He offers

I nod. I know I'm safe here and I am not in the mood suddenly to go back to my dorm. It just feels like we'll lose all the mini progress we've made tonight, and we'll go back to pretending we are strangers in the hallways. So, I stay, to hold on to a very stupid idea.