Alex (F)

Magnus and I hadn't been talking. Well, we didn't usually talk face to face, he lived in another state, but we hadn't been texting, facetiming, calling, all communication was gone. I messaged him on everything possible, no response. The only way I knew he wasn't dead was that I talked to Mallroy, who went to his school. He was alive, he was fine.

I wasn't sure I was.

Magnus was the only person I had ever been with, the only person I was comfortable being with. I was pretty sure that without him I would eventually just feel empty all the time, unwanted by my own dad, living with a mom who was rarely there. I didn't have friends at home, only those from Massachusetts. Magnus was my best friend. I couldn't talk to my best friend.

I desperately wanted there to be a reasonable reason for him to not be responding, but I just couldn't come up with one.

Spring break came and I drove to Boston, like I had planned. Magnus and I had been planning to go to the mountains together since I left, so I headed to his house and knocked on the door.

Blitzen answered "Alex! It's been so long, how are you?"

I shrugged, that had been my default response for months "You?"

"Pretty good, Magnus still isn't back from the library yet so you could wait for him in here."

I thanked Blitz and sat on their couch, scrolling through my instagram. Nothing interesting other than the shitty president and protests that were fighting for basic rights which we didn't have.

When the door unlocked and Magnus came in I instinctively stood, almost running to him and embracing him as tight as I could, instead I sat back down. I wasn't sure what we even were anymore.

"Good, you're here. I've got my stuff all packed so we can leave now," he said in his warm voice I had missed so much.

He hadn't forgotten.

He went into his room, then came out with a small duffel bag, like a sports bag, and helped me up, kissing my cheek. It wasn't the same.

We headed to my car, met by Hearth walking up to the door, Magnus and him signed for a minute, then hugged and that was that. I opened the trunk and he put his bag inside, then I got into the drivers side.

When he closed the door I said "I really missed you."

"Missed you too Alex," he said lovingly, as if nothing had happened.

I smiled and started the car, we could check into the hotel after four, it was already three and the drive was two hours. We talked about our days, then weeks. After a while I just turned on the radio, Magnus softly sang along and I joined. We held hands like we used to. Maybe it was okay.

When we got to the hotel I checked in and Magnus and I headed to the room. Once we got there he flopped onto the bed and dropped his bag by it, I laid with him.

We were quiet for a while until he yawned "We should eat before it gets too late."

"Pizza?" I suggested.

"Pizza."

I called and ordered pizza from room service, when it came it was surprisingly good. The cheese was perfectly warm and the crust wasn't overcooked or soggy. While we ate it was blissful, as it always had been when we were together. We could be ourselves.

For a while it was normal, until I asked "Is your phone broken?"

He seemed confused "Uh, no."

Oh, that hurt a bit.

"So, what happened then?"

He paused "I just, didn't have time to really talk. Homework, college applications, SAT's, plant club."

Excuses? No, reasons then? I didn't know really know what those were.

"Oh, okay."

"I would have said something, I was just so swamped."

"Alight," I muttered, just wanting that to end, it hurt more than not knowing.

"I'm sorry Alex," He whispered.

I usually said, it's alright "Okay."

I acknowledged that he was making some sort of effort to apologize, but almost a month without even as much as a goodnight, good morning, I love you, I miss you, it was hard for me. At least he realized there was an issue.

"I'm, gonna go shower," he murmured, taking his bag and going off to the bathroom.

When he closed the door I flopped back onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I regretted bringing it up, it just made matters worse. It brought up all of the sadness I had felt, making me just feel kind of empty. Empty thoughts, empty chest, that's what it felt like, as if someone had ripped my organs out and replaced them with void. All I could hear was the sound of water falling off of Magnus in the shower, and a few kids in the hotel running around.

A long time ago Magnus and I had talked about what would happen if we got married, we wanted two kids. Now that dream seemed like just that, a dream, something I had thought up in my sleep. He seemed like that sometimes, I had doubted his actual existence in my life because he didn't seem real.

The water stopped, I heard him grab a towel, the unzipping of his bag, the clatter of things in that bag, then him zipping it again. I took the chance to just change into my pajamas as quickly as I could, pink shorts and a green tank-top. I took my makeup off, using the mirrored door of the closet in order to make sure there wasn't any residue left on my face. I braided my short hair into two small braids and moisturized my face.

He came out, his hair still slightly damp. This was raw Magnus, the one I had always loved seeing, he was the most himself before sleep.

He smiled weakly at me and kissed my forehead, "Tired?"

I nodded, I wasn't.

We got into the bed and Magnus carefully hugged me from behind. He fell asleep easily but I was restless.

In the morning I showered before he woke, getting ready for a day of hiking. In the back of my mind there was the thought of what was going to happen between us. We didn't seem like we were even together but also being really apart would be too difficult for the both of us. I had heard that people sometimes went on 'breaks', maybe we needed one. I put on light makeup and came out of the bathroom, Magnus was ready.

"Morning," I said.

"Morning."

"Do you know anyone who's taken a break in a relationship before?"

That really got his attention "N-No, why?"

"I've heard it can be good for people."

"Do you think-'

"Yeah, we should but we can still like hang out like this, but I think we both need time to think."

He paused, seeming to be holding back tears "Alright, how long?"

"Maybe the rest of break, I don't know, something just feels off."

He nodded "Alright, is hand holding still okay, like while we're hiking?"

"Sure."