Time flew by.

Nothing sat still.

Life was great. Nothing to interrupt. Nothing to interfere.

We hung out with Carly, Daniel, Abby, and Lily quite often. We became great friends. They all brought me out of my shell.

Slowly everything was coming back together. I'm finally to a point where I'm no longer sad when his name is mentioned. He's just a part of my past now. And I'm finally wanting to make my future.

It was like a switch in my brain. I'm happier now. Things could be better, but I'm happier than I was.

I'm drinking less. So I guess that's good.

But love life has turned around. I finally wanted to be better. For myself and Jay. I knew I didn't deserve him, so I am becoming someone he deserves.

I'm willing to fight for that.

No more moping. No more tears. No more worries. Just.... living in the present. Because I'm tired of living in the past. Dwelling on things I can't change, and never will be able to.

"What's got you so deep in your mind?" Jay laid on my chest. Our bare skin connecting under the sheets.

"Just thinking." I smiled, kissing his forehead. "You make me happy Jay."

He smiled weakly. Letting his soft hair graze across my chest as he lifted his head to look at me.

"You make me happy too." He smiled, kissing me gently.

"You excited for the trip?" I held him close as he perched himself on my chest. Holding himself up by his forearms.

"Of course! I'm excited to meet the lovely lady that raised you." He smiled, but I could see the nervousness behind his eyes.

"What are you so nervous about?" His mouth dropped a bit, surprised I could read him like a book. Nothing to be left unseen.

"I... How'd you know?!?!"

"Baby... I can read you so easily. Something's bothering you. What's wrong?" He sighed, laying back down on my chest. Facing away from me.

"I feel like I don't know you... like I do! I know all the little things. You don't like black coffee but you drink it anyway, your favorite color is red and black, you're a switch, when you're upset you get really quiet and talk at a lower level, when you're sad you shut down and hide your feelings, when you're happy you aren't afraid to show it and gladly will tell me when you're happy.... but I don't... KNOW you... you know?" I took in his words, trying to understand where he's prodding at.

"What did you want to know?"

"Well... first off, you never told me what you and Daniel were talking about when we were at Abby's...." he chewed on his lip as he turned his head to face me.

"We were talking about the nature of our relationship." I said flatly.

"What do you mean?"

"Well... fuck, well I'm just gonna say It. Jay. I want you to be my little." His head perked up, staring at me in awe.

"You... want... you what? Are you serious?" He looked at me surprised.

"Of course! Look, I want you to be yourself. I don't want you to have to hide anything from me. And that includes your little side. I want you to embrace it. We can take it slow in that department, but I want you to be comfortable with it. Slowly start to be in your little space longer each time, and embracing that part of you." He smiled gently.

"I'd like that..." he smiled kissing my cheek.

"Anything else?" He laid back down on my chest.

"Well... I don't want to push you to talk about it but... who was your previous partner?" I took a deep breath, sighing deeply. No matter how much he stays in the past, it still hurts to touch the scar he left. Still bruised.

"Y-you don't have to answer... just... I want to know everything about you... the good and the bad..." he looked down at his hands, his eyes filled with sadness.

"I understand baby... it's just... hard to talk about, that's all. But I'm okay with sharing..." he looking to my eyes with his big brown ones, smiling slightly.

"You mean it?"

"Of course princess." He smiled, listening closely.

"He was the love of my life. He was almost out of high school, and I was ready to start a life with him. We planned on doing everything together. Moving in together, becoming cops together, everything. We wanted to share everything." I smiled, thinking of all the good times.

"Well... things didn't go as planned... one day he told me he was going to come out to his father. I asked him if he wanted me there. He told me no. His dad wasn't a very nice person, but he didn't want his dad to know what I looked like, just in case he had something planned for me..." I stopped to swallow the lump in my throat. Jay rubbed his hand on my chest, letting me take my time.

"So I didn't go. He texted me that he loved me, and would tell me how everything went the next morning. Well... I never got that text. I tried calling him, texting, nothing. He wasn't answering. So... I called his dad. I asked him where he was, but he just said to leave him alone and that he wasn't coming back. So I stopped messaging... but I never stopped calling. For a while I called once a week, nothing. Once a month, nothing. But after a few years of no contact... one day he picked up. I never said a word, I just hung up to the sound of his greeting to a stranger calling him. Sometimes I'd call again, just to hear his voice. But it never filled the scar he left. He disappeared. Without a word." Jay stared at me, giving a sorrowful look.

"I-I'm so sorry...."

"It's alright. It wasn't your fault. But the scar is still bruised... his disappearance hurt like hell... wondering why I wasn't good enough, or why he left... I never knew the answers. I guess I'm just finally content that I don't need the answers to live on." I smiled slightly, him giving the same smile back.

"I'm proud of you...." Jay cupped my face in his hand.

"Thank you..." I smiled, him giving me a small smile back.

"No, thank you... for trusting me with this." He laid his head back on my chest.

"Of course... you deserve to know." He smiled.

He just drew circles with his nails on my chest. Tracing some of my tattoos with his nails. Tracing out his own hickeys he left.

"So you mean it?" He spoke softly.

"What do you mean?"

"Well... how you want me to be your little... no ones ever wanted that. My last dom said it was annoying." He had a sorrowful look on his face.

"There is no way in hell I find any of you annoying. You're perfect Jay." I gave a gentle smile, running my hand through his soft hair.

He just laid against my chest, not looking me in the eye. Just laying his head on my chest, his hand laying gently in front of him. His other wrapped around me. His face showed no smile. His eyes seemed blank, no longer holding that twinkle in his eyes that I liked so much.

He was just... blank.

"What's wrong?" I pushed his hair out of his eyes.

He didn't move. Staying still. He let out a deep sigh. Closing his eyes, not to sleep, but to hide away.

"Jay?" I gave a genuine tone. I didn't want to force him to talk, but I wanted him to be comfortable talking to me.

"I'm sorry... I just... I know you said no secrets, and you just told me about your past... but I can't..." he opened his eyes, still not looking at me.

"Hey look at me." I tilted his head up, his eyes following. His eyes laced with tears. "Just because I told you mine, doesn't mean your obligated to tell yours. This is the one secret that can always stay yours. It's your life, and I want you to be comfortable talking about it with me. Just don't force yourself because you believe I might be upset."

He let a few tears fall, the tears speaking louder than any of his words ever could. There was so much pain on his face. So much sorrow. He let years of pain slip out of those few tears.

He wrapped himself around me, letting more tears fall as he cried silently. I wrapped my arms around him, putting his head under my chin.

He seemed more small and fragile right now. He always showed confidence, innocence, but he always seemed to be wise beyond his years, and I never understood why until know.

He was hiding so much pain. From me and from himself. He was good at hiding what bothered him and that's what I'm scared of. I don't want to think he's okay when he's really hurting inside.

We stayed like this. Not saying a word. Afraid it'll break one of us if we did.

After a while the tears stopped. I looked down and he was fast asleep.

It was about 7pm, so I guess going to bed early wouldn't be too bad...

I set my phone down, plugging it in. Holding Jay tight in my arms. Rubbing small circles with my thumbs on his arm and the small of his back. Holding him as close to me as possible. Letting the cotton soft fabric of my sheets engulf the both of us, filling every nook and cranny of our bodies.

Heat radiating from both of us, clashing together to make everything around me warmer, and somehow brighter.

His once wet tears on my chest now dried. Nothing but the sound of his soft snores barely filling the air. His even breathing mixed with the sound of my racing heart beat.

I smiled as I ran my hand through his hair, brushing it out of his face.

Every freckle dancing on his dark golden skin. Every angel kiss telling a story that only I could read.

This was the one time I could look at his face with full detail. Every freckle gracing his smooth, soft skin. No eyebrow hair out of place. Every eyelash dusting his rosy cheeks. A small scar across his cheek, barely there to notice. So small to the naked eye, but still there.

Every mark and detail telling his story. One that I was happy to learn to read.

No matter how many words there are in the world, none of them can describe the pure feeling of joy this small framed boy brings me.

My baby boy, my princess... ever quark, every snarky remark, his unruly confidence, his soft kind heart filled with love and optimism for everyone and everything, his unique understanding of himself but not afraid to show exactly who he really is. Every single thing has brought me to a point of joy that I didn't know I could ever feel again.

He has filled the whole in my heart I didn't know could ever be filled again.

This small framed boy, filled with everything good, is slowly making my heart whole again.

XXX