kay @kaytays

hey babes. i'm taking a small social media break but i promise once it is over there will

be tons of amazing news! i love you all

i sat in the driveway staring up at the stars. i refused to let luke near me since i just wanted to be in my own thoughts.

tears still poured down my cheeks every so often. music playing through my airpods as i looked up.

i felt my phone buzz and i looked at it. luke, of course. i clicked on it

please come inside baby

i will later. i'm thinking

i put my phone down before sitting up. i was tired but scared to go to bed. i stood up and walked into the house and saw astro waiting for me by the door and luke on the couch

i pet the cat then picked her up. i walked over to luke and sat next to him putting the car next to me. luke's arm came around my shoulder.

he rubbed my arm as i set my head on his shoulder. he kissed the top of my head and i cuddled into his side

"i love you so much kayla" he said clearly upset by how i was acting

"i love you too"

we stayed like that for awhile before i looked up at the blonde who gave me a soft smile

"you wanna go to bed? or watch a movie?" he asked me while moving hair out of my face

"i need to shower. i have a shoot tomorrow remember?"

"baby-" he started but i cut him off

"i'm going luke. i will be okay i promise" i told him and he just nodded

i kissed his cheek then walked upstairs and to our bedroom where i grabbed one of luke's old merch hoodies and shorts

i went to the bathroom i showered like i normally did then got out and changed. before i went back into our room i went to instagram to inform them on my loss. it only felt right

kay @kaytays

mom, although we weren't super close you taught me all i know today. you were amazing at teaching me, loving me, and raising me. you told me the truth. you didn't romanticize anything for me. i love you more than anything mom. i will miss you

my finger raised over the post button. as soon as i clicked it punz walked into the bathroom. i looked up at him

"you okay?" i asked and he nodded

"you still want to be alone? i can sleep on the couch if you want me to" he said obviously concerned on making me uncomfortable

"i'm not going to bed for awhile so you can sleep in there, i will join you later" i spoke and his kissed my temple

"i am going to stream for a couple hours with gumi and foolish" he told me and i nodded before he left the room. his head peaked back in and i looked at him through the mirror

"i'm proud of you" he said before officially leaving the room. i smiled before walking out to and going to my writing room

i opened the door and turned on the red leds. i closed the door and grabbed my newish guitar that luke got me for christmas

i tuned it quickly before sitting on the stool in the middle of the room. i started strumming a few cords thinking of patterns i could use

"don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay. but i know i had the best day with you, today" i sang out and grabbed my notebook and wrote it down

i took a deep breath in and thought. i decided to go through my ages and talk about memories i had that i would never forget. i smiled as i strummed

"i'm five years old, it's getting cold. i've got my big coat on"

this is nothing like i have sung before. i'm normally very hard on with my lyrics about boys, not soft about my mom.

"i hear your laugh, and look up smiling at you"

i will always look up to her no matter how much she hurt me. i loved her more than anything