I've always found solace in the silence

Comfort in the white noise that engulfed

my surroundings.

It calmed my mind more than words ever could.

Sometimes if I focused hard enough

I could imagine it padding my back when I cried.

It knew more about me than anyone ever could.

Neither the girls at school

who through shade with the bats of their eyelashes,

Nor the boys who treated me

like I was "one of them"

Non of them knew what this imaginary friend of mine saw.

But then anxiety came.

She sat in the corner of my mind

Never once made a sound,

but the unwavering eyes

that seemed to stare right into my soul said it all.

She was the voice that said to me

I wasn't enough,

The voice that told me

that it would never be perfect.

she was the voice that said to me

love was give and take,

that I just wasnt giving enough.

The voice that told me to speak up more

but somehow misplaced my vocal cords

when it was time to speak.

She held the reins to my confidence,

The wip that left lines on my self esteem.

She put a leash on my trust

only letting betrayal take it out on walks.

As she let distrust run free,

Letting it play hide and go seek with my doubt and befriended my fear.

She was the handicap on my relationships,

Sowing lies into the foundations.

always asking if they really cared

when the highs became a little to high.

She told me to run a marathon with weights on my back,

only to add more every mile.

Anxiety is what woke me up in the morning

just to question me and say,

"should you really get out of bed right now"

Anxiety was like a twisted joke.

The funny part being,

That looking at anxiety in the face

was like looking in the mirror

and regretting your own reflection.

Ironic how my mind was a double sided mirror

but somehow she had more control over

"US"

Anxiety leaves no room for the quiet.

Silence was all but a deafening pressure

when your anxious,

Nothing but more baggage to carry around

and forget to put down.

Anxiety is both my greatest ally

And my strongest foe

And sometimes anxiety

will quiet to mere whispers.

There ate times where she will

befriend my demons and my angels,

Times when she will leave me alone

in that quiet place in my mind.

But I knew it would never really last that long.

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