《The Journey Home》23 - The Calm...
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It had been two weeks since we moved in with Alex. Despite our circumstances, things were going well. We continued taking Angie to school together, and during the day my father would give me shooting lessons. Things between us were still awkward, but his relationship with Angie was blossoming. She was crazy about her 'papa.'
I could see why. His behavior with her was much the same as it was when I was a child. Though my mother was never present, my dad always made up for it. His work took a lot of his time and still, he managed to be a great father. I always would remember those moments with him.
"You're thoughtful today," Lucas said, taking a seat on the towel beside me. We were at a local lake, after Alex insisted that he wanted to bring us. To my surprise, he'd even invited my dad even though they did not talk much unless it was necessary.
"Yeah, a bit." I followed Luke's gaze, which was set on my father. If looks could kill...
"You don't like him, do you?" I asked him.
"Nope. Not one bit." He played with the dirt underneath us, letting it run through his fingers. "I hate this lake," he muttered.
"Why are you here then?"
"Have you met your boyfriend?" Luke retorted.
It was true, Alex had an air of control about him that was hard to ignore. He was incredibly sweet, but he when he set his mind to something there was no room for argument.
"At least here I get a cabin far, far away from you two."
"You're never going to live that down, are you?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"You see, Eileen," he began, a mischievous smile on his face warning me that what was going to leave his mouth would probably infuriate me, "when I met you, I thought you were calm, quiet. Imagine my surprise when I hear you every night going, oh Alex, oh fuck, oh yes, please..."
My face turned a hundred shades of red as he mimicked me. The jerk had the nerve to laugh as if he'd just told the funniest joke ever. I'd grown used to his sense of humor so I expected it, but he didn't mince his words. At all.
"Shut up, Luke," I said under my breath.
He placed his arm over my shoulders, in a show of brotherly affection before he placed a kiss on my head.
"I'm glad he found you. It was about time he settle down. I'm happy it was with you."
"What about you, Luke? When are you settling down?"
"Oh, no. Not me, Eileen. I don't care for relationships. I would be depriving the women of this world from having all this," he gestured towards himself. "I just find it easier to avoid that shit." Luke paused for a moment, placing his hand over mine. "Are you still having those nightmares?"
I debated whether to lie or not. I doubted that Alex would tell him anything without my consent and that was the reason that he was asking.
"Yeah," I said. "I am. But it's not about the past anymore. Now it's him finding us. Him hurting Angie."
He squeezed my hand and I turned to look at him. His blue eyes were full of concern... heartache.
"They suck, don't they? Those nightmares? It's hard to wake up from them."
I cocked my head to the side. It was obvious Lucas knew exactly what he was talking about. He shook his head, as if trying to ignore whatever it was that haunted him.
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"Are you going to tell me some day?" I asked softly.
"Maybe, but if I do then we probably won't be able to keep communicating, and for what it's worth; I want to be around when Angie is a big sister and you have all those little Moretti's running around."
"Yeah, not happening," I muttered wide-eyed.
"Please. You two fuck like bunnies, must I remind you what you sound like? I bet you don't even use protection." My face flushed, and he smirked. "See. Wouldn't surprise me if you got that baby cooking in there as we speak."
I rolled my eyes at him, knowing he was probably right. The breast tenderness I'd been feeling could very well be a sign of a pregnancy or my already three day late period.
I was going with the first possibility.
Lucas tensed when he saw my dad walking towards us. He didn't removed the arm he had placed over my shoulders and instead pulled me closer to him in a protective manner.
"Moretti, he's good with Angela," my dad said when he was near us.
"Better than you ever were," Luke muttered.
I nudged Lucas with my elbow, to which he didn't even flinch. My dad ignored his remark, but I saw the remorseful look that he pushed back. He would never mince his words around my dad, and I wasn't sure whether to be amused or to stop him.
"I'd like to take you shooting tomorrow, Eileen, if you don't mind. I want to make sure you've got the hang of it."
"I have the hang of it," interrupted Lucas. "I could practice on you."
"Jesus, does this kid not know how to keep his mouth shut?"
Lucas stood up tall, a couple of inches taller than my father while threatening him with his gaze.
"I do not know how to keep my mouth shut. I'd like to shut you up though. So please, get the fuck out of here before I do."
"Luke! Stop, please." I shoved myself between both men, trying to stop Luke who all of a sudden didn't seem to have much control over his actions.
Luke glanced at me and let out a deep breath before walking away. I saw how Moretti tensed at the situation from afar, watching Luke as he walked before shaking his head in disapproval.
"Are you happy?" My dad asked after a long silence.
I nodded. "Yeah, I am."
"Good."
We sat down once again and looked at the calmness of the lake. The birds were singing and the few ducks around made it much more beautiful. I knew my dad was thinking the same thing as I. When I was a child we'd go to the lake where he attempted to teach me how to fish during the few weekends that he'd have off. I never did learn, but I enjoyed spending those early mornings with him, where the problems of his job would fade away.
"You've turned out to be a wonderful young woman, Eileen," he said quietly. "I know it doesn't mean much, but I am proud of you. I'm happy you've found a man like him." He nodded towards Alex, who was now splashing water around with Angela. "Someone who is willing to give up everything for you, that's exactly what you deserve."
"He is a good man," I whispered, admiring Alex. He saw me looking and sent me a wide smile before returning his attention to Angie.
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"He wants to adopt her, you know?"
I turned to look at my father, who was serious.
"What?"
"Yes. He told me a couple of days ago. He wants to marry you and he wants to legally adopt Angie. I know he hasn't talked to you about it yet, but I want you to be aware of just how loved you two are."
I never thought I'd find someone who love me enough to want to take me in and help me, much less adopt my daughter. Alex had a much bigger heart than I thought when I met him. My dad shifted slightly on his feet before clearing his throat.
"I'm sorry." I looked at him, his weary expression taking me by surprise. "I'd like to give you a good explanation as to why it was hard to believe you but nothing I could ever say would make up the years you've spent alone and traumatized. I hope that one day you can forgive me, my princess. I don't expect you to, I can't forgive myself, but you deserve an apology and I don't think I've given it to you yet. I just hope one day you don't hate me and can at least see me as your friend."
I closed my eyes, ignoring the stinging tears behind them.
"I don't hate you," I said quietly. "It just hurts to know that you turned your back on me when I needed you the most."
"I'll always regret it. It haunts me, every day, remembering the look on your face when you told me, when I ignored you. It's ingrained in my memory. I should... I should have known. Gerald, he would ask about you a lot, but then again he always had. I always thought it was because he cared. I was wrong, and I see it now. I know it's too late but, for whatever it's worth, I hope you know that if could turn time back I would."
"I wouldn't."
I opened my eyes to find my dad's teary ones looking at me astounded.
"I wouldn't have Angie if I did. He left me one good thing, and that's my daughter. I would live through the same hell as long as I have her."
My dad sniffled, making my heart pound in pain. I found his hand and placed mine on top of his. Almost immediately, his hand covered mine, squeezing it tightly, as if afraid I might let go.
"I forgive you," I whispered.
He shook his head. "No, Eileen, you-"
"I forgive you," I repeated. "I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you..."
I repeated the words as he bared his soul to me. I knew what it was like to be traumatized by Gerald's actions. As a mother, however, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to live with the guilt of knowing that I turned my back on my daughter. He felt nothing but remorse, I could see it every time he looked at me. He was no longer the happy man I grew up with. He was just as haunted as I was.
Not only was I forgiving him for his sake, but also for mine. I couldn't live with anger. That didn't hurt anyone but me. I wanted to be the best mother that I could, but I couldn't do it if I held so much resentment within me.
"Can I hug you?" My dad asked, tightening his hold on my hand.
I nodded, knowing very well that as soon as his arms enveloped me I would let lose all my emotions. The familiar warmth of the father I had so dearly missed surrounded me, returning to my heart the one piece that was missing.
"Oh, my baby girl... I am so sorry, so sorry."
Alex and I sat together, listening to Angie read us a bedtime story. The excitement in her voice was more than evident as she narrated something that had absolutely nothing to do with what the book was about.
"Do you have any questions?" Angie asked when she was done, as if she was teaching us a lesson.
"I don't," I replied, glancing over to Alex.
"Mmm. No, I don't think so. I do know it's time for you to go to bed, though," Alex said when he saw me yawn.
"Okay," Angie said, more than happy to comply to his request. He never seemed to struggle with her. She laid down and he tucked her in, placing a kiss on her forehead when he was done.
"Alex?"
"Yes dear?"
"I want you to be my dad."
Alex was taken aback by her words and glanced over at me in question. I only gave him a smile.
"You do?" he asked, sitting next to her on the bed once again.
Angie nodded. "Yes. I don't have a dad, but if I did, it would have to be you."
He cupped her chin with his hand and then placed another kiss on her forehead. His voice was quiet whisper, but I still heard him.
"I would love to be your dad."
I left them alone for them to talk. Everything was falling into place. Granted, there was still many things to resolve but I was determined to enjoy every moment of bliss given to me. I'd spent years just going through the motions, then Alex came into my life and taught me how to live. I would forever be grateful to him.
I went to the restroom in our bedroom - Alex insisted I call it that - and looked at the test in front of me. All it took was five minutes and I would know whether or not I was going to be a mother for the second time. I knew that it was risky given our situation, but I wanted nothing more than to carry his child. I'd gone through my first pregnancy alone and through dire circumstances and I knew this time it would be different.
Alex had taken in a child that wasn't his and I was sure he'd be a great father, even if initially he had doubts. I followed the instructions to a tee and placed the test by the sink, while I waited sitting on the floor. This moment would change everything. Others may have been frightened at the thought of a child, more so when a relationship was new yet I couldn't find any reason to feel any distrust towards Alex. He had proven himself to me over and over.
The door to the restroom opened, and I looked up to find Alex looking at me with curiosity.
"What are you doing?" he asked, stepping inside.
I didn't reply as he glanced down to the pregnancy test on the counter. I saw his Adam's apple move as he swallowed, his eyes fixated on the test.
"You think-?"
"I'm not sure," I said with a shrug. "I'm three days late and my boobs are tender."
"Is that why you wouldn't let me grab them last night?"
I threw a roll of toilet paper at him, to which he only chuckled. Once again, he glanced over to the test and he stilled. He ran his hand through his hair, pulling slightly at the ends. When his stormy honey eyes met mine, I bit my lip with nerves.
"So? What does it say?"
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