[23]

It's been one week. One week since I last saw him.

After that breakdown I had in my room, I fell sick. My body was too weak for the impact that the memory brought along, and every bone in my body started aching like hell. It was torture. But I also had a lot of time to think. About everything.

Riku is a danger for me and I should stay away from him, but I don't want to. Those feelings that I have - they scare me, they give me chills. But I can't ignore them no matter how much I want to. The things I felt when I was at Riku's apartment and the way he makes me feel every time his face is only a breath away from mine - it's just too hard to ignore.

But, what am I supposed to do?

Giving in to those feelings scares me. Pushing them away hurts me. So, what option is left? Swallowing down the fear and giving in to it until the feelings start hurting more than it hurts to push them away?

I let out a sigh, but I draw it right back in when I suddenly feel someone sit down beside me. My head snaps up.

I'm in my second period. My aunt had forced me to go to school this morning, that's why I'm here. Otherwise I would've stayed home longer, but I couldn't argue her. Fortunately though, not a lot of people are even acknowledging my presence which makes it a lot easier for me.

Kai did bombard me with questions earlier though, but I could escape before any lie could harm our friendship any further. I hate lying to him, I really do. But telling him the truth is just too hard.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when the person next to me clears his throat. Our eyes meet, causing my heart to leap inside of my chest. I'm not ready to face him. I'm not ready for-

"Okay kids, please sit down and open your books on page 201."

He doesn't move, nor do I. We're frozen, caged in each other's gaze. This is what I was so afraid of. The beating of my heart, the look in his eyes, his scent - it drives me insane. Because all I want to do is something that I'm too damn afraid of. I want to give in to him, shove the key to my heart into his hands and fall into his embrace.

But I can't.

Ripping my eyes away from him, I turn around and face the front of the class room. My gaze is locked on Mr. Holmes and my mind is screaming at me to keep it just there, but at the same time, my heart urges me to catch at least a split glance of Riku.

All of a sudden, the air is knocked out of me when he lays his hand on my thigh. My eyes grow wide in shock, heat rising to my cheeks. Hesitantly, I reach down and try to pry his hand off of me, but he just tightens his grip on me, making it impossible to even move one of his fingers.

I let out a yelp when he gives it a squeeze, gaining a few student's and the teacher's attention. "Is there a problem, Mr. Covington?" he says with a firm voice, almost snarling at me. It makes me lower my head in embarrassment. On top of that, I can feel Riku's grip tighten, but this time he isn't just securing his grip but is also digging his nails into my skin.

"No, sir," I reply quickly and put my hand on Riku's in an attempt to stop him from digging his fingers into my bruises.

As soon as Mr. Holmes turns back around to the chalk board, I divert my gaze to look at Riku. His eyes are already fixed on me, studying me. My breath gets stuck in my throat when I spot that one look that is dancing in his orbs, the one that makes me feel things I'm not supposed to feel. It knocks the air out of me like a punch to the gut.

"Please, let go," I mumble.

However, his face stays blank, his hand unmoving. I sigh shakily, deciding that it's of no use, and focus my attention back on whatever our math teacher is trying to teach us. Though the slight movements of Riku's fingers that send shocks of electricity through my body make it almost impossible.

At the end of the period, my mind is a dazed mess. All the thoughts from last week, all the worries, everything - it's just a mess. As soon as the bell rings, I try to get out of my seat, but Riku's hand once again refrains me from doing so.

"Don't move." His voice suddenly appears right next to my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.

So, despite the growing urge that tells me to get out of here as fast as possible, I stay put and watch the students file out of the room one by one. Until we're the only ones left.

Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I raise my gaze to meet his.

Turns out, I should've continued watching the dirty spots on the floor.

I push myself along with my chair away from him but end up slamming into the wall behind me. His features harden as he leans forward and puts his hands on the small gaps on the chair next to my thighs. I suck in a breath when his hair tickles my forehead, the proximity between us capturing my full attention, as if nothing else was important.

"Where were you? You were gone for a whole week," he whispers coldly.

"I-I w-was sick," I reply with a quiet voice, whereupon his eyebrow twitches.

"You seemed fine at my apartment." He brings his hand up to brush a loose strand behind my ear, all the while gazing into my eyes with such an intensity that I find myself squirming around in my chair.

"Please," I beg, my voice sounding breathless. But what is it, that I'm begging for?

My heart is clawing against my ribcage as the room around us grows blurry. All I can see is him. Why is he all that I can see? Why is he all that I want to see?

Suddenly, the space between our faces vanishes, his nose brushing mine. His mouth blows warm breaths of air onto my lips, making something swarm my stomach that feels oddly calming and distressing at the same time. I'm frozen in place, but as he leans in even closer and as his lips brush mine, I crash mine against his, all the thoughts and fears dissolving into one emotion that will scare me even more afterwards.

Because no matter how hard I try to deny it, my lips on his feels so right. His hands on my waist feels so right. His full attention on me feels so goddamn right.

First, he is taken aback, but after a few mere seconds, he moves his lips in sync with mine. It's like someone turned off my mind and let my heart do, because when he puts his hands on my waist and pulls me closer, I don't want him to let go. And the way he tastes - I don't ever want to forget it.

It's a slow kiss, not a greedy or rough one. It's soft and comforting. He doesn't force me to do anything, he just moves along with me and lets his lips discover mine. It's something I've never felt before. Someone's lips on mine, someone's hands on my waist without pressing bruises into my skin, someone not forcing me to do something that I don't want to. It just feels so good.

After a while, I eventually break the kiss and heave for air. Our foreheads stay glued together as we pant against each other's lips, the ringing of the bell slowly pulling us back into reality.

Shit.

I rip my head away from Riku's, almost slamming it into the wall behind me. My eyes grow wide. He didn't push me away. Why didn't he push me away?

Why did it feel so good?

"You okay?" he asks, giving my hip a small squeeze.

I stare at the emptiness in his eyes. It resembles mine, it reminds me of what I've been through to have such a lifelessness living in my eyes. It reminds me of my curiosity about him, and of how badly I want to get to know more about him.

"Are you afraid of me?" I avert my gaze, his words ringing in my ears. I'm not.

He cups my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look at him. "If not, then what are you so afraid of?" he mutters, his features as soft as they were when he was sleeping on his couch last week. It makes my aching heart flutter.

"Of getting hurt," I whisper. "I'm afraid of getting attached, just to get hurt. Because that's what happens when you let yourself grow close to someone. You get hurt." For a split second, a pained expression appears behind his brown orbs, striking my curiosity once again. He knows what I'm talking about. Then, why is he doing this? Why did he kiss me back, then?

"I won't hurt you." His thumb brushes over my cheek as he gazes into my eyes with a look of determination. And for a short moment, I believe him. I believe the look in his eyes, believe his soft touch and believe the taste of his lips, but only for a moment, until the fear pushes it all away.

"That's what they always say," I murmur softly, "then, they kill your self-esteem and hit you until you're broken beyond repair." His grip on my waist tightens. "I'm a mess. I'm not repairable. You don't want me, Riku."

I can't have him.

I'm too broken.

"What if I told you that I'm just as much of a fucked up mess?" He pulls me closer. "And, what if I told you that I'm sick of it?" My breath hitches when my hoodie rides up and his fingers come into contact with my skin.

"Sick of what?" I whisper, trying to distract myself from the fact that his hand is lying on my bare skin.

"Sick of holding myself back. I want you, Chester."

His words ring in my head like a broken record. I want you. I want you. I want you, Chester.

Nobody ever said that to me, they only ever told me the opposite. Told me how much they despised me, and didn't even want to breathe the same air as me. But never once did someone tell me that they would want to breathe the same air as me, that they do like me. Never once.

So, hearing him say it strikes a chord inside of me that was hidden deep down. It locks the fear away and lets a whirlwind rage through my stomach - one that was begging to be led out, one that I had been ignoring until now. It mixes my emotions into a mess and intermingles them into only one.

Affection.

"It's okay if-" I don't let him finish his sentence and slam my lips against his. It doesn't only surprise him but me as well. I didn't expect that I would give in, I didn't expect that I'd choose to push the fear away.

However, as soon as his lips once again move in sync with mine, I know exactly why I did it.

I want him too.

Hey there.

So...

well, this chapter was emotional, beautiful and confusing all at once, lol.

I'm not sure if I'm happy with it because it seems so abrupt, you know? And also, my writer's block makes me hate everything I write right now, so please do tell me what you think about it and what I could make better.

Thanks in advance <3

But anyhow, I love that they kissed, hehe.

Btw, the story is far from being finished, just so you know ;)

Stay safe y'all! Love ya!

❤

- L I S A