grayson astor

I didn't sleep my entire fifteen hour flight. I spent it on my laptop working or pacing around the jet which I knew I shouldn't have been doing. I was running on straight caffeine and my assistant who was also on the trip started to get concerned.

I had texted Kalani prior to departure and received no response.

: i'm getting on my jet now. please let me know all updates

I hadn't expected a reply from her, so when she didn't say anything I couldn't be upset about it. But I can't lie in saying it did make me the slightest bit sad. I know she has endless friends and family who are all able to be there for her when the time comes for her to deliver the baby, but I know the importance of having me there. A part of me wants to be there. She's bringing this life into the world and it's a life we made together.

"Fuck off," I accidentally spoke aloud, trying to get these stupid thoughts out of my head. My outbreak had gained a concerned look from my assistant. Tina is what I think her name is. My mind was running wild and I needed it to calm down and stop entertaining the idea of going back. Going back to New York City is not an option.

With the time change, I was twelve hours ahead of New York, meaning it was now around nine at night. As soon as we touched the ground, I called her. Usually when she's upset she's still good at answering her phone, but she was letting it go straight to voicemail. I really did fuck up this relationship with an amazing women who has continued to have my back and support me.

"I've changed my mind," I told my assistant as we left the aircraft. I went back inside, going to the pilot who was in the front cabin. "I need to go back."

"When?" He asked me in shock.

"Right now. I need to get back right now. Let's go," I informed him and both the pilots looked at each other. They were communicating with just their eyes and it worried me.

"We can't leave now. We need to refuel the plane and we need to run..." he was giving me all these excuses I didn't have time to hear. I needed to get out of here as soon as possible and if he wasn't going to take me then I needed to find another way out.

"Tina, I need you to find me the next plane taking off and going to New York City. Get me on that plane," I instructed while we both got into the back seat of a SUV waiting for us.

"My name is Tracey," she corrected me like I might have hurt her feelings.

"I'm sorry I'm just really...Kalani is supposed to have the baby anytime this week and I really fucked up and I can't miss this. So please find me a flight," I continued to call Kalani despite how all my calls were going to voicemail. "Lani, answer your fucking phone. I'm sorry, okay?"

"There is a flight available and it boards in an hour but-"

"Book it," I instructed before she could finish.

"It's commercial and both seats are middle seats," she informed me and I felt physical pain in my chest. Flying commercial is not something I've ever done and I've never considered it an option. But seeing as I was in a hurry, I didn't have a choice and further instructed the driver to head to the airport while she made the bookings.

"Call Lee and inform him I won't be making it to the viewing. Send him and his wife an apology gift," I told her mostly because I didn't want to be the one to tell him myself.

The airport was packed and way overcrowded. The lines were long and when I attempted to skip, I was yelled at by multiple people who instructed me to get to the back. So I actually waited. When we boarded the plane, I contemplated turning around because there was no way I was sitting on this plane for more than fifteen hours.

"Here. 42B," my assistant pointed to my seat which was right between an old man and a woman with a crying baby.

"Where are you seated? I'll trade," I asked her and she pointed not only to the seat nearest to the restroom, but one in a middle isle with four seats. That one was even worse. She would be sitting between two toddlers who couldn't seem to stop their fighting. "Oh god," I muttered, feeling like I might catch something from just sitting in these seats.

"It's okay. Nothing I'm not used to," she shared a reassuring smile. But I wasn't worried about her, I was worried about me.

"You're holding up the line!" An obnoxious man behind me said before I looked back to see everyone still waiting to find their seats.

"Fuck off," I groaned. I'm going through an internal battle no one could possibly understand.

"Excuse me?" He leaned back. For someone who was a good five inches shorter than me, he had quite the attitude.

"Do you know who I am? I could buy every seat in this plane and everyone in it," I argued with this man who wasn't worth my breath. "Watch who you're talking to."

"Yet here you are, snuggled between the old man and the new born baby. How rich can you be?" He smirked at me and my hand rolled into a fist. I turned away from him and looked at the mother with the new born.

"Ma'am, I need your seat," I removed my wallet from the pocket. "I only have two hundred," I offered her cash before she looked me up and down.

"Didn't you just say you can buy this entire plane? And you're offering me two hundred dollars? Two hundred wouldn't even cover half of that Tom Ford suit you're wearing." She's definitely a smart one. I took a deep breath.

"My assistant will take down your number and as soon as we land I will have a cheque written out to you," I assured her but she still looked hesitant. She was giving up a window seat for a seat by the toilet. "I'm a man of my word."

She stared at me moments longer before shuffling out of her seat. "I call window," my assistant quickly squeezed in, forcing me to take the middle.

That plane ride was the worst experience of my life. The seats were uncomfortable and the food was terrible. I'll be having permanent back problems. There was absolutely no leg room and considering I'm a good six four, it felt like I was being folded in half. But we arrived. We arrived and considering I haven't slept in almost two days, I honestly didn't know the time or the date but it must've been midday because traffic was minimal.

I looked at my phone, using it to track where Kalani's phone is. She was at the maternity hospital. Of course of all she was having the baby today.

"I'm going to need you to speed it up, William," I tried to keep my composure the entire time he drove. But my lack of sleep was getting to me and I was growing more anxious by the moment. I'm not usually an anxious person but god, it felt like I needed medication or something to calm my nerves.

"You'll make it, don't worry," my assistant tried to reassure me. But I wasn't going to believe it until I laid my eyes on her.

He pulled up to the hospital and I practically jumped out of the car before it could come to a full stop. I walked to the man working the desk, asking him to inform me of where I could find Kalani. But before he could even answer, I heard a scream and I knew exactly who it belonged to. So I ignored him, rushing down the hall until I found her. Her family and friends were outside the room.

"What are you guys all doing out here?" I rose my voice, questioning why none of them were holding her hand. Even my mother and sister were here.

"She kicked us out," my mother threw her hands in the air.

The room was more of a suite and definitely met my standards. Although Kalani was okay with a regular hospital, all I heard about was the complications that occur. Like babies being mixed up. I'll be darned if I'm forced to raise some other person's child. This room was nicely furnished with a modern touch. It was not at all depressing like usual hospitals. It even had its own private bathroom and wardrobe.

Kalani was on the bed, resting on her hands and knees. The only other people on the room were doctors.

I was frozen at the door and when I turned to walk out of the room, one of her annoying friends blocked the way. It was the shorter one.

"Move," I told her because I couldn't breathe in here.

"Go talk to her," she informed me.

"This seems like a terrible time to talk," I pointed out considering she's in pain and about to give birth. "And I'm not very useful. I would prefer not to crowd the room and take up space. I'll show my support outside the room."

"No. You're going to go hold her hand and tell her she can do this. You know why? Because that's your baby. She didn't make it alone, so she's not going to deliver it alone," she pointed and I knew there was no winning this.

I went to the side of the bed, watching her head tilt up to look at me. She won't ever admit it, but relief washed over her and I was happy I could provide that for her. Maybe I can be useful.

"You're here," she observed, speaking out of breath. "How did you know?"

"Of course I'm here. And I tracked your phone," I placed my hand on her back, running it up and down to comfort her.

"You have a tracker in my phone?" She almost laughed. "You are insufferable." I smiled.

"Let's get you to rest on your back, hun," the doctor instructed and I took her hand, carefully helping her onto her back. I took the hair tie from her wrist, using it to remove hair from her face.

"Can I please have drugs?" She asked the doctors.

"We agreed on no drugs. Remember, sweetheart?" I held her hand that she held onto excessively tight. I didn't know she was this strong. Kalani and I weren't necessarily in agreement on the matter. It was more of her telling me she's having a natural birth and I shouldn't allow her to have drugs no matter how much she pleads.

"It hurts, Gray. It really hurts," she breathed out as she looked at my eyes and just knowing how much pain she was in really broke me. I hated there being nothing I could do to help her. She was looking up at me with pleading eyes and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Is that an option? Can she have the epidural?" I asked the doctors.

"It's too late. She's crowning. She needs to start pushing. Kalani, we can see the head. You need to start pushing," they announced and received protests from Kalani who kept saying she needed a minute while they said she doesn't have a minute.

There was back and forth arguing, all while she tightly held onto my hand. I kissed her forehead and reminded her she could do this and it was within a few more pushes that the room filled with crying. Kalani had just fully given birth to a human. Her weeps turned into smiles as she stretched her arms out for them to hand over our daughter and I couldn't even form words. I just stood there in this overwhelmed, shocked state because I couldn't believe this little, innocent child was a product of mine.

Blinking up at the ceiling, I looked up when I felt something wet touch my cheeks. It was streaming down my face but there was no sign of leakage in the ceiling.

"Are you crying?" Kalani pointed out with the biggest smile on her face like it was a miracle to see me cry.

"No. There must be a leakage in the pipes in the ceiling. That needs to be fixed," I wiped my cheeks, gulping down a heap of air. I can't remember the last time I cried and it seemed on cue for this to be the moment I do cry. But if anyone ever tried to remind me, I would deny it.

"Do you want to hold her?" Kalani offered and as fascinated as I was by the baby, it felt wrong for me to hold her.

"We're going to go clean her up and do some routine check ups," the doctors tried to take the baby away.

"What? Where are you taking my baby?" I stopped Kalani from just handing her over. I've heard far too many horror stories.

"Gray, they're just cleaning her and doing a few tests," Kalani moved my arms to give the baby over. Despite them being doctors, I still didn't feel comfortable letting them take her out of my eyes.

"I'll come," I insisted and they thankfully didn't argue with me.

-

kalani depradine

It felt like no amount of sleep in the world could help me recover. Everything in my body hurt and felt like it was overexerted. Eva and Ariana stayed here for a while along with my parents and siblings who dropped by. When they realized how tired I was, they all said their goodbyes and left it to be just Grayson and I. He knocked out on the couch soon after they left and brought the bassinet close to him while he slept.

We agreed on the name Amelia. Agree as in I proposed the name and Grayson didn't object which says a lot because he objected every other name I had thought of. Despite my happiness about Grayson being here, I couldn't help but feel confused. Last we spoke he was adamant on going to Shanghai and there was no changing his mind.

My hands went to my face, dragging my hands down it. It was dark outside and the lights in the room were all off despite shadows being very prominent.

"You're awake," Grayson spoke which threw me off guard because I thought he was still asleep.

"Yeah. My body hurts," I said receiving a laugh from him. His laugh felt like a remedy to all the discomfort I was feeling. It's heavy and strong. He stood from the couch, coming to the side of the bed to sit down.

"Not to steal your thunder, but mine too," he sighed, playing with my hand resting on my lap. "I flew here commercial."

I panted in completely shock. "You did not."

"I did. Economy and I had the middle seat," he continued to make me laugh. I would pay a lot of money to see Grayson Astor flying economy. "Don't laugh at me. It was treacherous."

"You poor baby," I teased and even with the minimal light, I could see his warming smile. "You better get rid of that tracker on my phone, by the way. Don't think I forgot."

He sighed. "I'm really proud of you, Lani," Grayson expressed as he kissed my forehead. I held his arm, taking in his muscle under his dress shirt. Hearing how proud he was of me ignited this indescribable flame in me. Grayson has these unachievable standards and impressing him or giving him something to be proud of isn't something to take for granted. "I'm sorry I even entertained the idea of not being here for you." It was an apology I hadn't expected and one I would hold close to my heart.

"She looks like you," I bit my lip. I didn't need to see his face to know how he felt. I carried her for nine months, only for her to come out looking like her father who barely wants her. It's a slap in the face. She has his eyes. They're bright and hazel just like his. She has his button nose. She has a full head of hair. "Do you hate her?" It felt like a stupid question, but I had to ask it. I couldn't think of any other reason for why he refuses to hold her.

"Don't ever think for a second that I hate her, Kalani. I love her more than I care to admit," he confessed but I found that hard to believe.

"Why can't you hold her and why can't you look at her for more than five seconds?" I questioned and he sighed running his thumb along my lips then my jaw.

"I feel almost undeserving to even hold her knowing I went through an entire phase where I didn't want her. I look at her and I wonder how I could ever not want something so pristine and perfect. I feel guilty," he admitted as his thumb continued to run along my jaw. "I don't know how to love anyone other than myself. I don't want to disappoint you or her when you realize I'm bad at this. When she realizes I'm a bad father and when you realize I'm a bad husband. I just don't want to fail." Grayson is a perfectionist and the idea of jumping into something new and unknown is scary. I wish I could make him understand to get good at something all he has to do is practice and put his entire energy into it.

"Would it make you feel better if I said I'm just as scared?"

"You'll be good at it. You're good at everything. You're just as perfect as her," he chuckled and I couldn't help but smile at how he felt about me.

"This is all new for me too. I'm new to the whole mother thing and my only relationship was with my best friend. Now I'm about to be someone's wife and I just had a baby who is going to rely on me for everything. I'm just as scared to fail as you are. But it's me and you, Gray. We're in this together. We'll figure this all out together," I placed my hand over his when he leaned forward to put his forehead against mine.

"Promise?" He whispered and I pulled him closer for our lips to touch. The kiss was strong like he's been deprived for too long.

"Promise."