《A Silent Lover》11. TaekWoon
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"Jae.... JaeHyun-ah!" I called out to the little boy who was still running headlong into the fields. The orphanage was set in front of a large expanse of empty land, which meant plenty of space for the kids to run around. It also meant that it took me a lot longer to catch up to JaeHyun than I wanted it to, even though I could run faster.
When I finally got close enough, I caught him up into my arms from behind and he struggled against me, kicking out his arms and legs when I tried to hold him still. He knocked me in the face a few times, but I held on until he'd tired himself out, his body suddenly going limp in my arms as his adrenaline faded.
I sighed in relief and then sat down in the grass with Jae still in my hold. His back was to me but I didn't make him turn around; I could hear snuffling sounds, almost like he was crying. And JaeHyun was old enough and smart enough to be embarrassed by his tears; I wouldn't make him look at me and embarrass him further.
"JaeHyunnie... What you said to your Eomma earlier wasn't nice," I reminded him quietly.
"I know it wasn't," he mumbled back, his small fists rubbing across his cheeks in furious movements.
"Then why did you say it?" I asked, still calm.
"Because... I didn't want to tell her that I got beat up when I was the one who started the fight."
"You started the fight?" I moved him then, turning him around in my lap. "Why would you do that?"
His face was a mess and I could see why Imani had freaked out. JaeHyun was still a child but it looked as if he'd been in a grown man's fight.
"They were talking about my mom; they were saying mean things, hyung!" He yelled defiantly with his hands curled by his sides.
"I told them to stop it but they wouldn't, so I hit the biggest boy. The others hit me back, and I got like this."
"Jae, words are just words. You can't let anger take you over like that-" I started to say, remembering words my own father had said to me once.
"You don't get it, hyung! People always say mean things about mom but I always let it go. But this time they were saying that it was because Eomma was black that I would never get adopted. The board won't let her have me and they think it's funny. They made fun of her and called her names. They kept saying how weird she was to try and adopt me... Hyung, it's not fair," he gasped out in a rush.
His voice was choked with his tears and they streamed down over his face, his nose running unchecked. My heart ached as I watched him, and I pulled him in close to me for a hug. I had understood the situation from Imani's perspective, understood her struggle, but I hadn't thought about how it would affect JaeHyun.
Imani loved him but he was stuck at the orphanage. The other children would be jealous of the attention he was receiving and would lash out. The older kids would also know why Jae hadn't been adopted officially yet and it made sense that they had said things. I knew my country and I knew how people saw Imani.
They wouldn't understand her heart, wouldn't understand why she wanted JaeHyun with her. But I could see the love that was between them and that love had caused both happiness and pain for the two of them.
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I held JaeHyun until his tears had turned into slight hiccups. I felt the weight of him begin to relax from the tension that had kept his body locked in place as he cried. He was still so young; a newly turned six-year-old couldn't understand why the world was like it was, no matter how smart they were. And in fact, when it came to their situation, I could barely understand it either.
"JaeHyunnie, listen to hyung. I know what happened made you sad and that it hurt you. I know the words they said made you so angry that you wanted to fight. But it's wrong to hurt others, even if they hurt you first. And you hurt your mom because she saw you like this. Will you try to control your anger better from now on?"
He nodded and I rubbed his head lightly, fixing the hair that was shooting out in all directions.
"I know what they said was mean, but you're worried about your adoption aren't you?"
"Hyung, what if I can't ever live with mom?" There was a desperation in his eyes as he looked at me, his gaze too full of emotions that I hadn't ever experienced. What did he deal with on a daily basis? What was the separation from Imani costing him? I didn't have an answer to his question, but JaeHyun didn't have to know that; he just had to have faith in his mother and that was something I could give him.
"Don't you know your Eomma? She's the toughest person I've ever met and she never gives up. You have to trust her; she'll figure out a way convince the board. You just have to believe in her. And hyung will do whatever I can to help her."
"You will? Jinja?"
"Ne, of course," I said with my most serious face.
"Then, will you marry my mom?"
I looked down at the little boy in shock, sure I had misunderstood him.
"What!?"
"You can marry my mom, and then the committee won't be able to keep me from living with her. And you can live with us too, if you want," Jae said shyly.
"JaeHyun, it's not that simple. Hyung and your Eomma like each other, but people can't just get married like that."
"Well if you like her, then what's the problem? Is there some kind of test or something to get married?"
"No, nothing like that! It's just...complicated."
JaeHyun stepped out of my embrace and I felt his loss immediately. I didn't know what to say and it felt as if I was letting him down. I liked Imani immensely, and wanted a relationship with her, but marriage hadn't crossed my mind just yet. We had only been seeing each other for less than a month, and even if I had wanted to marry Imani, I was one hundred percent certain she would have turned me down.
"Jae, let's go back. Your Eomma and everyone else is waiting to wish you a happy birthday. You don't want to miss it, right?"
His eyes lit up at the reminder and such was the miracle of youth that he shook off his painful feelings and chattered away at me the whole walk back to the orphanage, never once hinting that he had been crying his eyes out only minutes before. I was relieved that he hadn't pressured me about marrying Imani, but there was no way I could stop thinking about it just as easily.
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It had been a week since JaeHyun's birthday and I hadn't mentioned what Jae and I had discussed, simply telling Imani that he had felt bad for starting the fight and hadn't wanted to tell her. She'd looked at me as if she knew I wasn't telling the whole truth, but had let it go.
Even though Vixx's work hadn't slowed down, my stress level had decreased somewhat since we had started going on live broadcasts and music shows. We had already won a trophy for Chained Up and the feelings of success were ones that my members and I cherished. More than anything we wanted to show our fans and everyone else who we were as artists. Being loved enough to reach number one was intensely gratifying. But the one person I wanted to talk about my feelings with had no idea who I really was.
I had told Imani that my job required most of my time, and she had accepted it with the ease and understanding of a person who was just as dedicated as I was. She had simply asked for a list of the days I'd be busy and times that she wouldn't be able to call and that had been it. I was frankly astonished by how little of my time she demanded. I knew other idols had had issues with their significant others not liking them being busy so often, so I was even more grateful that Imani was cool about the situation.
And even though she wasn't demanding much of me, I could still feel her caring throughout the week. On Monday night, she had texted me asking whether I'd eaten or not and when I said I hadn't, she had prepaid for pizza to be sent to our dorm, enough for me and all the other members. As one they had all given their approval of her as they stuffed their faces. On Thursday, she sent me a link to her Facebook page and showed that she had changed her status from being single to in a relationship. She had even translated the page to Korean so that I would understand. It was something so small but I couldn't stop smiling when I saw it. I felt like a kid again whenever I thought of Imani and the giddiness and excitement of being in a relationship had an effect on me. I felt happier, wanted to laugh more, and my members even commented on my change in attitude. If anything, being with Imani made me want to be a better person.
It was Friday night when Imani called me and asked if she could come over. My members had all left the dorm to go see a movie and I had decided to stay home. I was never happier to have stayed by myself. I was too excited and couldn't settle as I waited for Imani to show up. I changed my shirt, restyled my hair and sprayed on some cologne. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but this was the first time we would be alone in an intimate setting. I couldn't stop the slight bubbles of nervousness I was getting just thinking about having her all to myself.
I put on some quiet back ground music and had almost calmed myself down when I heard the doorbell ring. I sprang up from my seat on the couch and flew to the door. I threw it open and the Imani that I saw there made me gasp in surprise.
"TaekWoon, can I come in?" she asked, giving me a watery smile.
I moved out of the way and she walked in, her eyes blood shot and her nose bright red.
"Imani what happened. Why were you crying?"
"TaekWoon, I...I don't know what to do," Imani gasped out, her body hitting the sofa hard, her tone weary and exhausted.
"What happened?" I grabbed her hands, and made her look at me as tears began to silently stream down her face. She shuddered almost like she was in pain, and started to speak.
"I had a meeting with the adoption committee today. They turned down my application again." Shock hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd had no idea Imani had gone to see the committee and I was even more surprised that they had turned her down yet again.
"I can't tell Jae. What do I do?", she whispered to me. My own mind was blank; I couldn't think of anything to help.
"Did they give you a reason? They can't just tell you no!" I said with anger, finally able to feel something other than astonishment.
Imani laughed harshly, her clogged nose making a squeaking noise. "They said that JaeHyun needed the stability of a two-parent household. But how can I change that in an instant? I just can't get married to some guy off the street," she moaned, the dejectedness pouring off her in waves that were almost tangible.
"I know you love JaeHyun Imani, but why is adopting him so important to you? It's causing you and Jae pain; maybe things would be better if you just -"
"Don't say it! Just don't, OK. You're not the first person to ask why I can't give up. My parents, KyungMi and my friends, they all want to know why I can't let Jae go or just be a role model in his life. And I tell them all the same thing." She placed her hand on her chest and raised her eyes to meet mine, her gaze fierce with anger and frustration.
"JaeHyun is me, on the deepest level. I was adopted and got blessed with an amazing family, but JaeHyun is the me who never had the Taylors. Waiting around, begging to be loved by anyone. How can I love him, look him in the face and see his loneliness and not do everything in my power to make sure he gets what I had? There is no way I'm not going to do this."
I thought back to JaeHyun's words, how he had looked as he'd run crying through the field, of the heartbreak on Imani's face right now. There was a part of me that had expected this, had wanted to tell her about Jae and what he'd said, but I had pushed aside those feelings and now Imani was a mess. I knew there were other things that I could do, that I could say to her, but none of it would really mean anything in the end. So, I took a deep breath and raised her up from the couch. I held her hands in mine and then dropped to one knee on the floor.
"Imani, I know you don't want just any guy off the street, but how about me? Gyeolhun haejullae?"
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