oh i wanted to be loved so badly. it was so disgusting, it was so unnerving, it was the bane of my entire existence. i've realised i don't need it to feel real and i don't need it to make me feel whole, it's just why don't i get to indulge in this humanism.

i feel so broken off from everyone, like there's a playing field between me and every single person i have ever cared about. i watch from the sidelines as my peers fall in and out of love, i never liked sports but i wanna play so badly now. i clung onto a lifeless, hopeless, loveless, relationship my entire adolescent to avoid this drifting feeling. the feeling of being so pathetically alone. to even fathom being loved wholeheartedly is a entire comedy. it's like they deserve it and i don't. that's so pathetically obvious to me, for they played the field while i stuck my nose up to the game as if it would allow me to sit on the bench, watching my teammates suffer the pain of independence and self love.