It didn't get better. It only got worse. And now I'm hiding in the closet for the second time this week trying to get myself together but I can't do it. Jax is really trying, he's so much better. He's helping me out with everything and I love him so much for it.

But the tables have switched, and now I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't look at our children without crying and I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm falling apart. It's only been three months since Jax and I really started working on who we are and it's not working for me.

Sure the sex is off the charts, and from the outside we look like the perfect little family with our beautiful children. But we're not, not when I can't get myself together anymore.

And I really believe it's because mentally I'm not okay. I'm not. It's been building for weeks now, and weeks keep coming making this harder and harder for me. I don't know what's wrong with my mind, I don't know what's wrong with me. I just know that I'm not okay.

I'm not overwhelmed with our kids, with us, or with work, I'm overwhelmed with what's going through my mind. What about my parents getting older? What about Jax and I's income making college accounts for the kids? What about taking Maddie to preschool everyday and praying that she doesn't get hurt? Or watch Lance grow up with a mom who doesn't know what she's doing with her life anymore? Or watch my relationship with Jax get stronger, only for it to slowly decay away?

I'm a mess. A big pile of a mess.

Hearing footsteps to the bathroom and not being presentable I close the closet door and sit down on the hard floor with my back towards the wall. I cover my face in my hands wiping my tears as I grip my shirt trying to calm myself down.

"Mamma?" I hear her little voice that cracks my heart as I smile through my tears and wipe them away. Maddie is so beautiful and she's absolutely amazing as a daughter. Of course she's a little Jax, well not little because she's tall for her age, but she's his little girl and watching him with her makes me so happy. He's a really great father and I love when he leans down onto his knees to kiss her forehead every morning and tells her "don't talk to any boys and be good. I love you Mad."

"Mamma?" She asks again as I clean up my face and wipe my tears away. It's Saturday morning, and that means she wants my attention all day long, not that I mind, but that I'm hurting and I don't know why.

I slowly cut on the closet light and open it up to see her standing in her nightgown with her stuffed dog in her arm. "What's wrong Mad?" I ask coming out the closet to see her little sleepy eyes. I reach for her and pull her into my arms as she rests her head on my shoulder.

"Clothes?" She asks pointing to the closet as I nod and cover up the fact that I went in there to have a breakdown. I'm still in my pajamas too, I didn't wake Jax when I got up.

"I was baby. What's wrong? It's early." I explain into her soft brown hair as I kiss her cheek. I rock her in my arms softly as I rub her back and she lays her body weight fully into me. She's only three but she's so smart she can have a full conversation with me.

"Sleep with you." She tells me as I smile into her little neck. She loves sleeping with Jax and I, and she's quickly realized that I can't tell her no about it.

"Let's go to the guest room so we don't wake up daddy. He had a long night." I whisper into her hair as she nods. Jax had a boxing match last night, not underground fighting, a real match. He only does it occasionally, but it's always with guys he wins against and as long as he's safe I'm okay with it. He said he does it so he doesn't lose his touch, but I think he does it because he misses it.

I open the bathroom door back up and see Jax sleeping shirtless in our bed. He's laying on his stomach with his arm under my pillow where I left him. He's softly snoring and it makes Maddie giggle when he does. She laughs so hard that she makes me laugh and I have to put my hand over her mouth to get her to stop. She only laughs harder when she points to my mouth and starts imitating snoring like her dad.

"Maddie!" I scold as she giggles her little contagious laugh and leans into my shoulder. I go to walk to the door but Jax's voice stops me.

"What's my girls up to this morning?" He asks flipping over to look at me with Maddie in my arms. Her face brightens when she sees him awake and she immediately leaves my arms with her little toy and makes her way to her dad. She gets to the side of the bed and holds up her arms to get his attention before he lifts her up and throws her into the air making her giggle. When she gets down he hugs her into his chest and kisses her cheek making my heart crack with love for the man I married.

He puts her between our sides of the bed and throws the sheets over her as he rubs her back. "Come on Mamma!" She exclaims making Jax laugh as I sigh and make my way over to the bed. Thankfully Lance is still sound asleep in his crib so it's just us. I lay back down next to them and avoid looking at Jax as I kiss the back of Maddie's hair.

Not even five minutes later she's out. She's asleep on Jax's pillow cuddling into his chest as he rubs her back. She's always going to be a daddy's girl, I know it.

"What's wrong?" He whispers reaching for me as he grabs my face in his hand. He turns it towards him as I shake my head no and close my eyes.

"I'm okay. I promise." I whisper back containing my tears as I close my hands around my face.

"Don't lie to me. We both agreed we wouldn't do that anymore months ago." He tells me as I sigh.

"I don't know. I really don't know. We have everything and I should be happy, but I don't know why I'm not." I whisper out telling him how I feel.

"Ry" he whispers reaching for me to rub my face as I grab his hand and stop him. "No just please don't." I tell him back moving out of the sheets and to the bathroom. I leave him with Maddie as more tears whelp in my eyes as I go sit on the closed toilet seat crying my eyes out.

Not even two minutes later he's sitting down on the floor in front of me holding my knees while I cry my eyes out. "Ry baby, tell me what's going on" he whispers rubbing my thighs as I move my hands away from my face to look at him.

"I don't know. I really don't." I whisper breaking down. "The what's with the tears?" He asks rubbing my face in his big calloused hand that feels so good.

"I don't know. I'm so happy. I really am. But I'm so worried about everything. I don't know but I'm not okay mentally and I don't know why I'm not." I whisper out to him as he slows his hands down on my thighs.

"Is it me? Sex? Maddie? Your job? Lance? Money?" He asks as I shake my head no and reach for him. I wrap my arms around his neck holding him as I cry into his shoulder softly.

"It's nothing. I don't know. I'm just so sad." I whisper softly.

"When did this start?" He asks rubbing my neck as I cry into his shoulder harder. "About a month ago." I whisper rubbing his shoulder as I close my eyes. He rubs my back under his hand and pulls up my tank as he moves his hand along my back.

"And you're just sad? Like crying? Or what?" He asks me.

"Randomly crying for no reason. I can't control it." I whisper as he pulls away. He stares in my face as he wipes my tears. "Ry" he whispers rubbing down my arms as I continue crying for no reason at all.

"What's wrong with me?" I whisper trying to contain my voice from cracking.

"Ry" he whispers again as he pulls away and to the sink. He opens the bottom drawer and comes to me with something in his hand before placing it between my hands. He adjusts my wedding band and ring before opening my hands which now hold a pregnancy test.

I stare back at him in disbelief as he starts, "We don't wear protection and you know that. When did you last take your birth control?" He asks when my heart cracks in half. No.

"I don't want another baby." I spit out throwing it on the floor as he stops me. "When did you last take your birth control?" He asks again calmly picking the package up and opening it as I wipe my face.

"I took it yesterday and I know the only day I missed it I started my period. I started back and it ended." I whisper to him holding his hand in mine to stop him.

"I'm not." I tell him as he takes the test wrapper apart and opens it anyway. He pulls the plastic with his teeth and reaches for me to stand up and he pulls me to him. He opens the toilet lid and sits me on the toilet when he pulls my pants down and shuts the bathroom door.

"Pee Ry" he tells me holding the test between my legs as I snatch it from him and pull it away. "Fine" I whisper peeing on it and closing the top. I wipe and clean my hands before closing the toilet lid back and sitting on it again.

"I'm not pregnant" I tell him as he sighs. "Believe what you want but I think we both know you are. Remember our wedding day?" he asks referring to my breakdown. And then reality hits me in the ass. Lance's pregnancy messed me up so emotionally. Maddie never did, but Lance really bothered me on a new level. I was a crying mess for weeks and I couldn't control it.

"Jax I can't be. We can't have another kid" I whisper as he rubs my thighs. "We'll figure it out" he tells me as I shake my head no. "No we won't. I can't be. Do you understand that? I can't." I emphasize telling him how I feel.

"Why can't we? Huh? We've got financial security, a house, cars, a healthy marriage now, what more do we need?" he asks as I hold my composure.

"Another Rylee, because this one's about to be done with all this shit" I tell him as he pulls away stunned at what I just told him. "What?" he asks as I nod.

"I'm not overwhelmed anymore. I'm not. I'm just- my mind- it's driving me crazy" I whisper trying to hold my composure.

"Then we better come up with a plan quick" he whispers looking down at the pregnancy test in his hand. "What?" I ask as he flips it around and the words Pregnant are clearly displayed. He puts it in my hands and walks away as I look at his strong and comforting presence leave me.

And I break down crying again.

___

The next day I'm sitting in a counseling session trying to get my shit handled with Jax right next to me. He hasn't talked to me in a day, not at all yesterday or this morning, he just came with me when I told him I was going to talk to someone about what's wrong with me.

"Can you tell me why you feel this way?" she asks for what feels like the hundredth time.

"I don't fucking know! If I did I wouldn't hate myself right now!" I finally shout at her as I sit back and realize what I've said. She closes her note pad and stares between Jax and I as he looks over at me sadly. I see the pain in his eyes when he reaches over and grabs my hand and starts rubbing my wedding band like he always does when I'm nervous.

"Why do you hate yourself?" Jax asks ignoring the doctor. "I've gained twenty pounds after having Lance, I had to cut my hours at work so I feel useless. I don't have energy to do anything and I feel like I've became a shell of what I used to be." I whisper as I wipe my tears.

"Rylee look at me" he whispers softly. "Baby I love your body, I love you. You chose to cut your hours so that you could raise the kids and as far as I'm concerned you're doing just that okay? You probably don't have the energy because you're pregnant, and I know you feel like shit right now but I promise you, I promise you that I'll never stop loving you no matter what happens. I know what you feel right now, and I don't give a shit about anything besides making you realize how much you mean to me. I love you and I don't hate you, neither should you." he tells me pulling me into his chest.

I bury my head into his black tee as he rubs my back whispering how much he loves me over and over again. "Maybe you should both go home and take some time alone. Do you have anywhere to leave your children?" she asks as I nod and so does Jax.

And that's what we do. We go home, and we talk. We really talk about what's going on with me and in the end I realize that Jax has been feeling the same way about a lot of things.

"Maybe we got married to fast" I whisper wiping my tears as I sit on our bed right in front of him talking. "Maybe we did" he answers back rubbing my hands in his as we wipe our faces, both which are full of tears.

"Then maybe we should reconsider all this" he whispers back at me as I shake my head no. "No. I love you Jax, I love you so much" I whisper moving closer to him as I open his legs. I sit on his thigh and throw my legs over his other one as we lean back onto the headboard and I grip his face.

"I love you to Ry, I do. But this might be our sign to let us go for a while. I love you with all my heart and I know I was meant to marry you. But you're not okay" he tells me as I nod.

"I know I'm not but I lost my sanity and I can't lose my husband too." I whisper gripping his face. I finally see a tear fall down his cheek as I wipe it away and kiss his lips.

"No, don't" he whispers pulling away. I grip his arms and make him look at me as I break down.

"Jax babe" I whisper as he looks away from me into full tears. He wipes his face when he breaks apart from me and leaves me sitting on the bed when he stands up.

"I can't do this anymore" he whispers walking away to the bedroom door. "Jax don't walk away" I tell him as he looks back and shakes his head no.

"I'm not the one walking away. You already did" he whispers walking out the bedroom door.

Two days later he's already rented a house in town for him and the kids to stay. The next week he tells me when he's seeing the kids and when he's coming over.

Then, what breaks the whole marriage is when he completely moves out, and leaves me alone. Alone as in he drops off the kids and leaves without more than five words to me the whole time. Alone as in he doesn't come back, not for our anniversary, not for anything besides seeing me give birth to our son named after him, and to see his children every week.

And for the next five years, I'm left without my husband.