TRIGGER WARNING

*Contains self injury*

She was so far away. I couldn't reach her. She wasn't moving but, I was , although we never got closer. I need her. I need to reach her. I hear her call my name "BELLA!" "BELLA!" she screams seeming worried. Why? "BELLA!"

And then I woke up gasping with a raw throat. It was Charlie calling my name not,Al-... I can't even think her name. I won't. "You were screaming in your sleep again,Bells. Do you want to talk about it?" he ask but, I know it's a false offer. Charlie hates hearing my feelings almost as much as I hate saying them. "No,Dad,I'm fine." "Okay, love ya, Bells. I'm not leaving." he says as he walks out of my room, just like he's said every night since they left. "I know." I say even though he already left.

I reach over to my desk and get a drink out of the bottle I've made a habit of putting by my bed along with some cough drops. I pop a drop in my mouth and get up.

I push my fingers through my medium length,layered, dark red hair. I dyed it after. I needed a change but, no change really happened. It's the same. Everything is the same. It's even the same dream every damn night. So stressful and if I told any of my friends, even Angela, They'd say I'm crazy. If I told anyone, Charlie or Renee even, I'd have to at least go to therapy. I don't even think we have a therapist in forks. I'd be sent to live with my mom then. No. Not happening. I'm not leaving Forks. What if they come back? I mean, um, what about Charlie? Charlie can't even cook. I go to my bathroom with a towel and school clothes for the morning. It's two in the morning but,I'm not going back to sleep.

First thing I do in the bathroom is set down my stuff and get my blade. I sit on the side of the tub and take off my shirt to see the many cuts I've made since the Cullen's left. I slice my skin over cuts already there as hard as I can. I count how many times and sigh. I watch the blood bubble up and leak down. It's calming to my flustered thoughts. It's a good thing no vampires are here. Even though I'd give anything for them to be. Especially one.

Once I'm done in the shower, done watching the red water swirl down the drain, I go to my computer desk to compose another email. An email that she'll never receive. An email telling her how I feel about her, why I need her back.