Matthew

"Somedays I don't know how to love you''

I stared down, tears forming, my mouth agape long enough to go dry as words like tumbleweed were supposed to fall from it. And yet barren land lay still.

He held my head in his hand, as emeralds shown evergreen and glossy and gold.

"Matthew, why are making things so hard for us. I know you want everyone to know but they can't. So please I beg of you just think first."

I looked to him.

"I love you too much, that I-"

"But you're hurting me. I'm scared, I'm so fucking frightened."

"Please James, trust me."

He looked to me.

"How"

"Just believe that one day it'll be worth it, because I love you."

I kissed him on the forehead tension falling like 10,000 to my right and still I was weak, and frightened.

"He doesn't know about you."

That peaked his interest.

"He knows there is a guy but not you, if anything you're the last one he'd image. But i need to talk to him."

"About what."

"Did Faye tell you."

Staring now, eyes like saucers.

"Adam and Tammy had sex, two years ago. Well, at minimum they did stuff but she refuses to go into detail, and she doesn't even know everything at that."

"What"

He got up now, looking to pull himself from a lucid dream or an unrealistic nightmare. Knocking at walls like he was in the bad place, like his fate wasn't sealed.

"I found this from Mal when I met him yesterday, after he said he didn't want to turn out like Tammy."

"God, all this shit and we never knew."

"I'm wondering why she never told us, but I guess it's not our problem. Especially if they got over the "issue". But after we talked I explained that Adam was probably shocked that's why he said what he said.

I remind him of himself, so he's scared."

"Matthew, don't be naive. He's the way he is because of how he was brought up, not a one nightstand."

"No but I know how it feels to be scared and hate yourself. I would lie too, and if you just saw his eyes. When he was speaking he looked hurt, distraught even, maybe he loved him. Like I love you. Maybe he can't accept it and-"

"Stop it."

"No because he wouldn't hate me for that, it's Adam."

"Matthew stop."

"No I know him, I'm his apple pie. You know that, he could never truly be disgusted at me, not for being gay at least. A couple days ago I would've thought so but now I know.

He loves me."

"Matthew are you that fucking foolish!"

My mouth shut.

"He doesn't hate you, and no-one said that. What we are saying is that he doesn't accept you being gay, you know that, so don't act like a lost dog.

He's homophobic, get it in your fucking skull before you give me a migraine.

I love you but you're so hard to talk sometimes, I honestly would rather debate brick or watch paint dry, I'd get further. So please for a moment listen. You're hurting yourself with this fantasy. "

"But-"

"But what, your family hate it. He's no different, you're just lucky he didn't call you faggot. Maybe that's were his love for you extends but don't lie and say he'll look over it.

People rarely look over their privileges and comfort. Or else, they'd have to realise the wrong in their word, and next their life.

You haven't even unlearned your homophobia and you think he has, or ever will. He'll tsk at every boyfriend you bring his way, and better pray you marry a woman. That is if you want comfort."

"But I don't care for comfort if I did I would never have laid a finger on you after the first time. I would've ignored you.

And why would I marry a woman when i have you."

He looked down in silence, almost telling me we were going to be temporary. That this fate was sealed at to be delivered in crushed lavender petal.

And that like junk we will rest a memory in each others mailboxes, some feet from home.

Too distant to be painful but too close to not be remembered.

We were never meant to last he said, like testimony at the pulpits.

So I kissed him like my sorrows would pass to his forehead then neck then eyebrow arch.

He tasted no more like lavender or petal or gold, but like sweat. Almost sweat yet disgustingly normal and lost fantasy.

Teen romance is never built to last but it tastes good.

"Honestly do what you want just be careful, for me."

"For you, because you're all that matters."

"I really love you, know that."

"I do."

Hand colliding against wooden patches giving my scratches along my fist, anger boiling to the surface to disperse like water.

"I don't-"

He looked from his phone concerned, "You don't what."

"I don't get you"

"If it's my opinion about your life choices, they won't change-"

"Yeah but mine changed, a couple days ago," his face scrunched like paper, just enough so that those stress lines became visible again.

"Because I learnt that you fucked Tammy."

Eyebrows large and pupils larger, almost cartoonish in his proportions. I'd never seen fear and anger arise like that, not even before all those blasphemous words thrown to strike me down like Goliath. Nor when he punished me for idol worship and my sin, and those halloweens.

I was a witch or wizard and he, David before Batsheba.

Then with speed in his Nike socks I saw him slam the door shut like our parents could even hear us. One not even back from work yet.

"Who told you that, because they're -"

"They're lying ? I would've believed such until I saw your reaction. Why would you hold so much shame for an act you never committed."

"We didn't have sex," Adam said almost self-assured.

"You sinned nonetheless, and yet, on your little highchair you look down to me and preach. You're just as bad as me, if not worse by your rules, you slept with a man you couldn't even call your own. Both of you somewhat intoxicated, which I'm sure is a sin or at least illegal.

Worst of all, you lied and deceived so many and can't even own up to it.

At least I stay true no matter how 'sinful' it is."

He couldn't reply now, so I used his own sword to behead him, making me the victor this time.

"I didn't have sex with him." More self-soothing than convincing.

"Then what did you do?"

"Well, we. He kissed me and then we carried on but we never had sex."

"So all you did was kiss," eyes downturned again his gaze unable to catch mine.

That was more than enough an answer.

"Okay so you didn't stop at kissing and honestly I don't need to know much more. All I know is that by almost all definitions but yours what you guys engaged in was sexual or even 'sex'.

You're just trying to deny it because there was penetration."

Face red at this mine almost reaching a cool rouge.

"And be honest with yourself, would it have gone farther if you had had the privacy and 'tools' necessary?"

Almost purple or maroon, I knew he was blazing to the touch. And to think I thought nothing could make him lose his composure- he was always too strong for that.

Or so I led myself to believe.

"Even if you don't like me or my boyfriend it doesn't matter because you can't even learn to accept the truth.

You would've fucked him the second you got the chance."