Matthew

What now, was a confrontation to do more than drive a larger rift between us. It's not as though when I asked if he's like me, he'd begin detailing the various sex positions that he adored. All of which were preformed on my friend's older brother.

I wondered what to say, as if I could look at him straight again. That being awfully ironic within itself. Maybe 1 in 3 was right.

Maybe I wasn't by my lonesome like those monotone voices repeated like broken record in my brain.

"What now"

"What do you mean"

"What do I say him"

He looked up to me, edges of his smile sunken,

"Nothing, you owe yourself and him that."

"But he, I. I told him and he made me feel disgusting because he probably feels-"

"It doesn't matter, he's old enough to realise projecting doesn't nothing but show your immaturity and instability."

"I know but he's-"

"Your brother and what of it. He's also an adult, young but adult nonetheless. I know you love him but he's needs to realise what he said was out of order.

Quite frankly it was down right fucking humiliating for both of y'all."

I looked somewhere in the distance as I tried to block out his words and his silhouette. Block out the scent of waring cologne, so I saw a squirrel jump from a tree trunk. Then I saw those ducks flapping and quacking pushing for the bread that little girl was throwing, hair held high in a hair tie.

She wore a red and white dress with a paw patrol backpack.

"Matthew stop it. I'm not letting you block me out just cuz you'd prefer not to listen."

Oo those ducks are fucking.

Is that worn condom or just a balloon near that trash can.

He sat up and pulled my face so my eyes locked to his, "I don't care if your brother is gay straight, bi, or anything else. It doesn't matter, his sexuality.his questions regarding it played a part in his response- I agree. But he said things you should even say to those you hate, he infantilised you and deemed the firm foundation you built for yourself by yourself."

"Matthew, you are gay and he doesn't like that. It's best you get it into your head now than going on a quest to see if his sex-apades are the reason.

He doesn't accept you, do you get it."

I looked to him torn and upset my Achilles heel broken in his firmness. For my own good I knew it to be but sometimes I woke up and wanted tea, I never liked butter under my tongue. So I ignore.

"You don't understand, you don't have to ever worry about coming out. Your family will never hate you for your partner in the same way mine will. You can love her and be open about it but I can't. So don't tell me how to feel or what to think, you hardly understand.

And you don't know him, I do.

He's hurt I know it, don't tell me to hate him he's not perfect." I spouted. I built from the mounds of sand and ash at my feet a church to worship everything but my temple.

I regurgitated my spaghetti and spelt absurdities with it.

"You can't hear yourself speak, because it you could you'd laugh.

And don't begin the I'm gay etc etc etc. It has nothing to do with that he was rude and you didn't want to forgive him until I told you he may have slept with another guy. All I know is he was kissed and he kissed back in a drunken haze. Had it been a a straight white girl posting it on Instagram you would've dare question her heterosexuality.

Don't treat your brother otherwise. He may still be straight as a ruler but did something he regretted hence the avoiding of 2 years. Your brother is most likely a straight man who questioned for a night and got it over and done with.

He's moved on from that."

And how was he to know. How was my brother oh so different to myself in the way he's slept with a guy he was meant to be friends with.

I did the same and I sure as hell am not straight.

"How do you know."

"Matthew don't do this, and ask yourself one thing. Had the roles been reversed and you were in his Air Maxes would you have reacted how he did. Twice at that."

I stared at him blankly, waiting for him to answer for me.

"When you know how to answer that question, or better yet when you know how to accept that answer call me. I can bring tissues and popcorn, we can binge watch k-dramas or those stupid pool videos you still watch. Bye Matt."

And so he arose, and walked home. As I sat looking at his coils move slightly in the small breeze. It cooled my skin and yet sweat fell.

"Bye"

He turned briefly and gave that award-collecting smile, and spun back round on his heels. James did that.

Could he forgive me if I forgave Adam so easily.

So I allowed myself a moment to ponder, then leave and still I rise in the mid noon breeze. All these moons turned and face turn cold.

"James, hi.''