Fortune of my tears

I see the future

In the constellation of my crystal tears

As you siphon the sparkle of what's left of my joy.

Heavy is my heart where you spread your composing ego

Sacrificing my fire

Your unwillingness

To ascend from darkness

On wings of breath and light

Is not lost on me ...

As you strut your fan of peacock plumes snuffing out any hope

For my flickering flame

Susan Ashley

Matthew

Feet tapped inside converses, warn slightly. I scrolled my contacts, his name shining upon the horizon in my dim lights (closed blinds). I needed to apologise today. What time better than that of the present.

"Faye"

"Mhm"

"Can you do me a favour."

"Of course"

Deep breath out the right nostril because hay fever kicked me in my balls, directly. Maybe he could touch my-

"Can you call James and ask where he is."

Silence.

"Okay, why can't you."

I bit my lip, "uhh we got into a fight, I thought you were aware of that already."

"Oh, I forgot."

Her breath almost shallow, " I hope it goes well between you two. And tell me what set this off, "

"You were so good together ."

Y'know some say things "too good to be true" should rest between sleep and boredom and I used to be so opposed to opinions such as that, tell myself that roses such as stunning as the wind. They would exist in the world, or at least in my lifetime.

That the world would be roses and sunflower petals, roses his shade of crimson (as water to the seashore) and sunflower the curls atop his head. His palm caressing my nape that shade would fill my adolescence, as though I lay as Mr Rochester and Will Parker. Taste him that shade of crimson. And me of course, medallion, dandelion and tuscan to him.

"So I called him, he said I'm at the swings. Why? So I said because I may stop by later but idk. He said be there before 6:30, else I'm there alone."

Check the time, 5:45 pm.

"Okay that's fine I'll go meet him now."

"Wish the best to you, bye doormat."

A soft chuckle, " bye mice ears."

I felt her eye roll, decided to hang up before I was barraged at the fact that it wasn't her fault her ears were yet to develop past the size of Nemo's fin. She was premature that's all, and at least she had the intelligence to skip a grade unlike myself.

You can tell I'd heard this more than I would've preferred.

My feet fell, into a pothole of guilt, shame and anxiety. I tasted my lust and mortality as the offspring of Adam and Eve. The original sin my gaze at his downcast head. Between pages of deceit and despair he flipped for a midterm I assume. Studies. Books. Exams as though my intelligence rested on page 167 of a textbook on Chemistry.

I held my hand.

I held a breath, turning his red.

Just walk my head said but heart fearing rejection. Standstill. I pinched thighs and walked to the back of him. Walked to those swings he loves oh so much. I did two. We all did.

Tapping his shoulder as his eyes downcast resting on a page, his phone with earphones connected.

"I didn't think you'd come, F-"

He looked up eyes fell and lost every speck of hazel. Turned to blood then black.

"What"

I sat in the swing next to him as his gaze sharpened, to hell with his burning stares. They affect me to this day.

"I wanted to say sorry."

A scoff that burned like chuckle, " Are you sure, or is it that you thought I would fall into your lap a mumbling mess. Declare my love and how hard it's been for me, say all has been forgotten. Hell maybe even allow your dick in me this time."

"Or is that not what you want from me, a sneaky link for you to satisfy your blasphemous desires. Then wash your hands of me when you're fulfilled."

"I deserve that, " mumbles out my lips " I should've cared more for your feelings but I promise you I don't want you only for make-outs and sex."

He looked, dead in the eyes.

"I'm not used to this."

"Used to what?"

"I'm not used to this, " I gestured between us " me accepting the fact that I like men. Worst of all a guy who I've known since birth."

" I feared that if I let us go any further that we couldn't go back. That I couldn't be the son my parents want. That I couldn't marry a woman because all I would care for is you."

My gaze turning to green hilltops.

"I have known for so long but I convinced myself that it would stop. That I'd become normal one day. But then we kissed again and again and I was convinced that all I could care for is you."

I felt the atmosphere lighten yet grow heavy with unjust tension.

"That I couldn't ever truly love a woman if you existed so close to me. And I hate that so much. I just want to be a good son yet I fail them time and time again -

Why can't I be normal"

Questions to the universe, a God I tasted in honey (lemon teas) I asked with intent to receive.

Tears cascade with the water (hitting the shore) they taste sour and sweet between his hug. Chest upon my shoulder, I turn so that my head rest upon him. A hand in my hair, caressing my scalp.

"It's okay."

It's okay.

It's okay.

I tell myself that every morning now.

I needed that, I never knew I did but I truly needed that.

After sobbing halted, he cleaned my tears his finger.

"I know what you mean I was like that a year or so ago after Lu."

I wanted to know who it was but I knew it would pinch my heart too much to dare question. At least then and there, so I was left pondering as to who Lu was. What they meant to him.

"You're normal and unique in the best way," he smiled past me, to the crippled lust resting at my left, beside anxiety.

"You matter in every shape and form you come in, it just matters that you yourself are you. Because I love it when you do that. You like it too right."

I smirked up at him red in the eye, sniffing. He smirked down holding my head.

"If I'm not here to appreciate you some will. Even if that's only gonna be yourself, love the way you were born. Even if it's in silence. Realise that no matter what, someone will love you just as much as you deserve but for that to happen love yourself for two people."

"You're worth that much."

I smiled further at him like a little child: snot falling down my face, dried-up tears, puffy eyelids.

"Thanks for that, " I grin.

"It's, " he began until a smile gleamed from the rift then chuckle left lips.

He held my head, wiped the snot at my nose with his sleeve.

"You're such an idiot."

I laughed at that back straightening.

"I think I'll fix problems as you do."

My brow quirked with a "what do m-"

I taste his tongue between Saturn and Neptune, drowning in the nostalgia of Narnia or rather a place I can call my own. My place resting between his tongue a rooftop, a soft groan from the back of his throat. Hand reached to the nape of a neck my hand to his spectacle of bliss resting atop his scalp.

"Matthew"

He groaned between a kiss, forcing me to paint the Flaming June upon his gasps as my body inched closer, pulled at his hair slightly. Bliss and Discontent. Pride and Prejudice. Warm: nights in the spring evening. He was so warm upon my tongue. So normal yet resting upon borders unique.

He pulled away.

Yet we rested so still, saw the sunset between the atoms amongst us.

I looked mesmerised at him, turning slightly to see him in his total. Taste him a Winter Walz or rather a Nocturne in the Spring.

"Clara"

He nods, " I know"

My face showing discontent.

"She doesn't like me more than a friend, she just wants to get the attention of her ex. Since they broke up she hasn't done well, but she did try to gain the feelings she had for me back."

"We both silently agreed to attempt to get what we had but it didn't work. Because... Men."

He chuckled alongside me.

As his crease undid its self eyes widening he ponder one question which I dare not leave unanswered.

"Paint me your shades of despair so that I can taste auburn upon your tears. Flames from honey and crimson. Let us burn and bask in berries black blue and red."

So I did, hand at his waist.