Matthew

Heavy breaths, my tongue.

Scrolls on her insta, where was he.

Maybe if I just...

"Matthew shower and look presentable for once."

I rolled my eyes at her remark.

"Why"

"We have guests, why else."

I drug my feet out of the room, whining my way to the bathroom door hitting it a balled fist. No one in, thank God. I stuck a fist in my hair I had refused to cut so my bangs covered my sleep deprivation, became so out of hand my bags had bags.

Deep breath.

I looked at the body that lay before, that slight tinge of disgust I always got glancing at it. A scowl almost. I really was disgusting.

At least that's what I let myself think.

Wiping away sin, sweat and scabs with a loofah. Tepid water hit my long eyelashes an intrusive thought saying "you wish he was here don't you". I did.

"Hurry up I need to get ready for work"

He banged harder and harder on that wooden door as though it would make my body cleaner. As if it would turn the water to a wave to clean off the soap.

"Wait"

I almost felt his eye roll.

Black sweater, with sleeves rolled, grey sweats and a homage to a comfort show of mine. One sock with Finn on it and the other my favourite dog Jake. I put on a headband, seeing as my hair was starting to become detrimental to my vision.

"Hi, it's so great to see you."

"Likewise, I feel like we haven't done this is so long."

"Right..."

Voices drowning out in the earphones I put in. A distant shout causing me to pull one out of my earlobe: my mom calling me to say hi. Feet became weights as they ached to embrace my never-ending ideals of laziness, under the fresh duvet I barely had the energy to get.

I saw the back of a head, blonde curls. The figure turned showing me hazel green eyes, fuck.

His face expressionless, however a slight sparkle as the sun rest upon it. I never ceased to be memorised.

"Don't just stand there, say hi to James and his parents."

My mother moved her hand ordering me down but my feet were stuck in cement. Breath burning at my throat, sweat in my scalp blazing. Why was his look so intense I felt it make my heart pause. Then go a mile an hour.

"Matthew"

I walked down the stairs almost tripping, to look and see his eyes widen and then go back to piercing down at me.

"Hi sweetie, how are you?"

"Great"

She embraced me, her figure small but big enough to fill you with warmth.

"Hi" he said it in passing, as though he wanted to spit on me.

"Hi"

"So you two go up to Matthew's room whilst we talk with your fathers' and make dinner later."

"Pardon, " he said with haste.

"Is there a problem?"

"Of course not, " he spoke too fast, I could sense the anxiety in his breath and stance.

"James just go up to Matthew's room, you two are close. Plus we've not done this in a while, shouldn't you be excited"

Eyes overlooked his mother, gazing at the door and freedom that lay outside it. Wishing that if will where enough, he could taste my breath in his nightmares and crevices.

"Okay"

He turned to me, almost like he had forgotten the way to my room. Then slipping his shoes off at the door, before asking if I was gonna go or not. I almost ran knowing my room was half a junkyard, that I was forced to clean in the early hours of the morning.

His entrance into my room as I faked nonchalance, why did his steps scratch at my skin. He flopped onto the bed far enough that mere inches stopped his fall.

A phone out his back pocket, he began typing and smirking ever so slightly. Typing more and more. Each tap pulling an inch of jealousy from the deepest depths of my soul, who was making him smile with such vim.

Say something.

Because if you don't he's gonna carry on texting her, he's gonna forget about you. He'll get married to her one day, you'll not even be invited. Make peace if that's all you can do.

You need him.

"So how are you and Clara, going"

He glanced over his phone to me, ignored me blatantly before going back to what he was doing.

"You know I um," why wasn't he looking " I heard you two got back together recently."

He glanced over his phone. Silence.

"Don't just ignore me."

He scoffed at that, tongue biting back venom at his lips.

"Oh, so I'm the one ignoring now, not like it's been how long two - three months."

I stayed silent at that.

"And since you wanna know now, Clara and I did get back together but I never would've guessed that you'd care for the escapades of someone like me."

"You've changed so much and for what."

I tasted a hint of bitter at my tip, " and you haven't."

"For the better, Matthew"

"Whose, " my voice cracked ever so slightly " yours or mine."

He sat up, so did I.

"Uh"

I searched in his irises an answer, solace or just a spec of passion but there lie none.

"I don't know, uh-," he paused " I can't do this, not again."

"Do what?"

He scowled almost, " Stop acting like you care, aren't you the one embarrassed of me"

Mouth left agape, say something, but no words could leave. He was right.

Right even when his feet touched the ground, toes turning to leave. Body indentation, left on foam. He got up, I touched his wrist holding him back.

Heat grew at my stomach as a scowl scorched the surface of my skin.

"I'm sorry, truly"

The first truth I could let out in months. One that felt right in four walls, and fairytales. If I had been taught by none else Jake the dog told me that one episode to be true to myself. Funny it took such push for that to work.

Gaze softening.

He sat back down my hand on his wrist.

"Can I hug you," I asked.

I just wanted to feel him, if never again.

He nodded.

I pulled him into me, his arms resting around my neck. A finger or four at my nape clasping me in place, his spot he touched leaving it burning cold. Once more. His chest against mine, so warm. Knees pulling further into the gap between my legs, soft breaths leaving his tongue. I trickled up his neck landing somewhere in his scalp, where I lay for a minute or so.

He pulled away, slowly, gazing a moment into my eyes until his nose rest with mine. Foreheads touching, I looked at green emerald now. Hues of gold bright as my reflection in them.

I wanted him on my tongue, resting between a roof and lust. Somewhere his groans could grow into mine, quiet enough for our ears only. No, not yet. Not now.

He pulled away entirely.

Coughs and splutters, he hid his crimson as I hid my hand.

"I'm sorry, I was wrong for what I said."

He looked to the ground not gazing, however. Eyes resting there mind elsewhere ; in the heavens maybe, or a place where his touch met mine for the first time again.

"Do you expect me to forgive so easily"

He looked to me, daggers laced in berries. I saw desire behind flames & vigour.

To be true to my word I thought that hug meant a new beginning of something, to forgive is to forget. So if he touched me where he used to he must have forgiven me. How infant my mind was doe someone with such adult problems. Bordering childhood with the depths of adulthood, constant.

He scoffed, "It's as though you forgot what you called me. How you said it. How much it hurt, " his voice cracked " after all we had done, together."

He stood once more.

"Because forgive me if I'm wrong it wasn't my fingers my anus was it," he calmed himself so that our conversation wasn't to be heard by the roaring laughs below us " I never forced you to kiss me, nor did I force you to hold me as you did. Tell me how special I am. Huh"

"I-"

"You what, " disgust painted yellow ire " I should've known from the second I let you in how little you care for others. Let me guess I was your little experiment, testing the waters."

"You know what fuck men, especially those like you. Just wanting to get their dick hard and through away the little twink they messed with."

I looked down to the yellow in my socks, Jake smiling up at me.

Why was I so absorbed in my feelings that I forgot about him, and how fast I tore him from my grip. Pulled him into me, not even oxygen to separate us, then through him to the side. Why?

He stood up, my heart beating. I needed to make him stay. I needed to apologise.

"Do something" my brain echoed.

He turned to the door, I grabbed his wrist firm.

"Matthew let-" before he could finish my lips rested within his. I saw his eyes rest agape until he settled slightly ; balling my sweater with his fist, as though to pull me in.

A tear fell from his eye, a deep breath from his lip.

He kissed me alas, a moment however. Until he pushed me away. As I did him.

A stare into my soul through my eyes, he asked why I did that with closed lips. I looked down and then up as he wiped away a tear.

"Wh-" he began.

"I'm shouldn't have."

He nodded, "Right."

No turn at his heel but rather running down the stares I chased a glimpse. Our mothers laughing.

"James are you alright, did something happen."

"No- no I'm fine, I just feel sick."

"Really, how come you didn't mention that when we left the house?"

He looked to his feet, " I didn't want to be rude, so can I just go home."

"Why don't you just get some rest in Matt's room, I can get you some medi-"

"No, I just want to go home I've got all the stuff I need there."

She looked up noticing me, pointing at him with her irises.

"Yeah he's ill, he just told me he nearly- nearly, um through up."

He looked up at me then back down, too fast for my eyes to detect emotions behind him.

"Okay then here's the car key and the house, " she began reaching into her bag on the mantlepiece.

"Make sure you don't fall asleep, we'll be a bit late."

He nodded and left with a shoe untied, almost running as though he were in the very pits of hell. As though escape where his only option, it kinda hurt.

I went back to my room head down, wishing I could feed him every last apology. Tell him how much he meant to me but I had to be so stupid. Think that kisses would solve all problems, that if I gave him the intimacy I wanted he'd always reciprocate.

I cried myself to sleep that night, holding my sweater in a bunch.