"you have to stop punishing yourself for the things you cannot control. it was not your fault, Luna. its not your fault." i said, looking into her bloodshot eyes.

"okay." she whispered, breaking eye contact.

i kept pressure on the wound and before i knew it, the ambulance had arrived. i opened the door to let them in and they look her, i sat at the back of the ambulance and held her hand.

"it's going to be okay. you're okay." i kissed her on the forehead as she closed her eyes.

as the nurses took care of her, i waited outside and called Finneas to tell him that i was too busy to come home today. we where meant to edit everything i wanted' but since Luna was in the hospital i couldn't do it.

i waited for about half an hour before i was allowed to be let in. she needed twelve stitches because it was a deep wound. i explained to the doctors that it was just a knife accident when she was trying to open something. luckily, they believed it. if i had told them anything else she would've been in a mental hospital. i know lying to the doctors wasn't good, but i'd be much more comfortable to lie than to explain it all. you wouldn't believe the things even nurses go through nowadays.

when she had woken up, she seemed unaware of her surroundings. she frowned looking at me and observing the room.

"Luna. what the fuck? i'm so glad you're okay. don't pull that shit on me again. or yourself." i told her.

"why am i in the hospital?" she asked.

"you cut yourself." i replied.

"what?" she said, looking down at her bandaged thigh.

"don't you remember? you where in your mothers room." i told her.

"no i was waiting for you finish in the shower." she whispered.

"no. you where on the floor in your mum's room." i repeated, feeling worried.

"i was sitting by the kitchen table, playing with Bax." she frowned.

"Luna. don't you remember what happened?" i said.

fuck.

after a while of talking to Lu, i realised that she didn't remember any of it. she said that she took a shower and waited in the kitchen for me to finish. i felt worried. i didn't know what to do. she didn't remember anything after apart from waking up in the hospital.

i explained to her everything that happened, but she felt confused. after i told her that she probably blacked out, she believed me a little more.

we left the hospital and i drove her home to get some rest. i cleaned up the blood and then heated up the eggs and bacon i made and fed her it, before putting her into bed. i sat beside her for a while, stroking her hair and trying my best to refrain from crying. eventually she fell asleep and i left her room, closing the door.

i didn't want to leave her, in case anything else happened. she was in a very fragile state of mind and so i didn't trust that she would be okay if i left for a while. it was strange how she didn't remember anything and so i decided to call up a therapist of mine that i used to have and asked her what it could be, because i felt genuinely scared for Luna.

even though her mother died a week ago, her responses where a lot slower and for her to realise that a week later was scary. it shouldn't have taken that long to sink in and neither should hurting herself so drastically be a thing that happened.

"hey Dr Drake! how are you?" i asked her.

Dr Drake was my therapist when i was around 16 and she really helped me out of my addiction of self harming, though that was a different addiction to the drugs i take now.

one day i got super depressed and so i tried to take my own like but my brother found me right before i passed out and brought me to the hospital. when my parents found out they convinced me to go see a therapist and i went through so many but Dr Drake was better than the other three. when i turned 18 i stopped going because it was getting expensive and i couldn't be bothered to go anymore, but we're both still on good terms and talk every now and then.

"hey Billie, i'm all good, just cooking up something for Dina. how are you?" she asked.

Dina's her 4 year old daughter, she's got cute dimples and a black afro. the last time i saw her was 2 years ago.

"i'm good. actually just calling in about a friend." i told her.

"a friend? is everything alright?" she asked.

"no, not really. she's not doing so well." i said.

"well, i'm sorry. is there anything i can help with?" she replied.

"yes. please. i just needed to know what's wrong with her." i explained. "you see, her mother passed away last week, on the same day, she tried to take her own life. she took a week to actually process it after and when she did she blamed it on herself. she was so convinced that it was all her fault that she hurt herself and if i wasn't there sooner i couldn't even imagine what could've happened."

"i'm so sorry to hear that, Billie. i hope your friends doing okay now but usually when going through grief- it's a lot to handle and so she must've felt shocked about the news-" she replied.

i cut her off saying, "no. you don't understand. she- she forgot everything. she cut herself and when i brought her to the hospital and she woke up she didn't remember it."

"ahh, usually that's a response to trauma. it occurs in a lot of patients struggling with PTSD and can really affect them. forgetting about a traumatic or stressful experience can feel comforting for them and so they forget about it. its the brain's response to the trauma they went through." Dr Drake explained.

PTSD?

"is there a way to fix it? or to stop it happening again? is there a way to bring back what happened so that she remembers?" i asked.

i'm not saying that i want her to remember what happened, i just don't want her to forget things like that because sometimes they're important. and PTSD is not a good thing to have.

"there isn't a way to fully stop it, i think the best thing to do right now, if this is her first memory gap, is to come and see me before she gets diagnosed and put on any sort of medication." she advised.

"okay, thank you so much." i said. "i'll have to talk it over with her before confirming it but thank you so much."

"no worries, you take care of yourself, Billie. have a good day." she replied.

"you too, Dr Drake. bye." i said snd hung up the call.

ptsd? seriously? this is so bad. i hope this isn't something serious. i mean, Dr Drake only said it could be PTSD. that doesn't mean it is. either way, i think seeing a therapist would be a good idea for Luna at the moment. and Dr Drake is really good, so even if there's something bothering her, she'll help.

i decided to stay awake and work from home. i just began songwriting on my phone and screen shared with Finneas, i didn't want to call him in case Lu woke up. we got through only a little, because it was kinda difficult having to text him while writing it. we edited more of 'everything i wanted' and changed quite a lot about it. eventually i stopped texting him once it hit 1pm and decided to make some food.

i told Baxter to sit with Luna, that way, if she does anything- so much as wake up- i'll know. i looked into her fridge and saw nothing good, so we have to do groceries later.

i decided to just order in some pizza. just before it had arrived, Luna had woken up and so i went to check on her.

"hey, love. how are you feeling?" i asked her.

"my head hurts." she complained.

"yeah, have some food. you'll feel better." i said, helping her up from the bed.

i walked her over to the couch, sat her down and her the controller.

"here, you pick." i said.

i grabbed the pizza and sat down beside her. i didn't want to bring up what happened again, after having that phone call with Dr Drake, i think it was best to stay silent for bit. we watched a documentary on dinosaurs and ate our pizza in silence. she didn't say a word the whole time. i don't know if that's because her head was hurting or if she was really hungry or an even worse reason.

"i'm sorry, Billie." she spoke. "i'm sorry you had to see me like that."

"it's alright. we all break sometimes. and you don't have to apologise for it." i smiled and placed a hand on her knee.

"i didn't know what to do." she whispered, finally maintaining eye contact as usual.

"it's okay, my love. you don't have to do anything. i'll take care of you. i promise." i said and hugged her.

feeling her warmth in my embrace felt like the most heartbreaking thing ever. her words pierced through my heart. i had never been through grief before but i know it isn't easy. that's why i'm not going hard on her. she'll heal with time and that's all she needs at the moment.

her arms slinked around my waist. i felt so distant from her after she did that. so far away. disconnected. lost. i finally felt comfortable feeling her old self come back to me.

i felt comfortable with her in my arms.

i wanted to keep it that way forever.