The hero walked around carefully, huffing and hawing as if he was giving birth.

“The pain is close enough to actually giving birth you insensitive bastard.”

Remember young hero, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us...

“More annoyed, yes. It makes us more annoyed and in great pain. Besides, that entire ever-strengthening trope bullshit doesn't work in real life. You just become decrepit and end up choking to death because the nurse accidentally pushed your head an extra millimetre to the side after you made a lewd comment about her sister. “

Regardless, the hero must now set forth to the brokeback mountains. Roll for initiative.

“What am I initiating?”

I just heard other dm's say it, I have no idea. Would the hero like instructions on how to initiate a bar brawl?

No?

Ok then. The hero failed to acquire bar brawl initiative and instead rolled the twenty sided die from his pocket. He scored a critical one.

“Wait, what about my luck stats?”

Luck is drawn from the cosmic powers of the university, young hero. You can't just keep draining the well and expect things to work out indefinitely. Besides, with your looks, a one is more than you deserve.

“Right... so what do I get?”

Well, young lucky winner of our new lottery round, you've acquired an all-paid expenses trip to the mountains of broken backs, where you might enjoy such activities as pottery, cave painting and, of course, defeating the big bad evil that roams in this world. Following the figure clad in dark you can now ride on in style on your brand new William Gates-mobile.

“My what in the what now?”

Well, William Gates tried to update his nanobots to the 11th version and failed spectacularly. Hence why he's out of commission for the moment as an immortal shield and instead will serve as your new transport. His hands have turned into wheels, his arms into a frame and his nether regions into a soft cushion to satisfy any advanced haemorrhoid user. Truly a price worth it's self-hatred for the overly privileged contemporary hero.

“You want me to take a seat on his...”

DONG! User has acquired transportation. Please insert five coins for maintenance services.

“I liked you better when you only said ding. Why are you scalping me for tickets now?”

DONG a girl's got bills and onlyfans is down.

“It is? But I still have my account running till decemb... I mean, yeah. I believe you. Also, since when are you female? I thought a levelling system didn't require a gender?”

Can both of you stop fooling around and just get on with it? If the levelling system wants to be female from now on, then so be it. Now hero, sit your ass down softly on the William Gates mobile.

“Eww... seriously. Why would you do this to me?”

The hero has done this to himself. So stop hitting yourself by rolling natural twenty's from now on.

Slowly but surely, the hero sat his ass down on William while thinking about baseball.

“William, I hate you and you hate me.”

“POINT, yes.”

“Very chad of you to say, but I hate you more now for using that shitty meme format. But we're going to get through this. Just made sure you think of baseball too while we're driving. Because I'm not about to lose one of my two virginity's.”

“POINT... two? What do you.. ow.. yeah. Yeah, no. That makes sense.”

“I buy in bulk, ok? Was two virginity's for the price of one. And I just couldn't let a nice deal let that get left behind at the shop.”

Moments later, the two intimate friends made their way across the heavily cobbled road that led to the brokeback mountains. Coincidentally, the brokeback mountain OST was playing while the narrator lay back with tears in his eyes.

“GENTLE WILLIAM, GENTLE. I ONLY SEE YOU AS A FRIEND. NOTHING ELSE. I PROMISE YOU.”

“POINT... WHY IS THERE A COBBLED ROAD HERE? THERE'S COBBLE AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE AND MUCH FURTHER THAN THE NETHER REGIONS CAN TOLERATE!”

The gates mobile turned into a service stop. Both the hero and William needed a few years of separation therapy to be functional again. Lacking such quality healthcare, they decided that copious amounts of alcohol would do the trick as well for a fraction of the price. The old maid behind the counter

“I's 24 you daft bastard.”

The old-looking maid behind the counter

“Well go fucks yaselves then. You ain't getting shit ere.”

Fine, the very young and very young looking bar implement served both men a drink. It came from a bottle with three skulls and a baby rabbit on the label, so it was quality hooch for once. Not the type of stuff you usually would find at a service stop.

“What's the baby rabbit for?” Asked our yet to be inebriated hero.

“Well love, the three skulls are how many ya can has before ya dai. The baby rabbit just fer flavourin. Unless yous one o them vee jee tarians. But you ain't one o them, are ya?”

“She's progressively becoming more insensible. She must come from a Nordic country that wears skirts as men's fashion while being allergic to water. Maybe the moisture in the air is giving her an allergic reaction? The bar's rather damp after all. Some of the patrons have mushrooms growing on them.”

“Oh noes, thas just ol man mcgee. He lovs himself some mushrooms he does.”

“What stage is denial again? Is she dying? Should we help?”

“Just drink jer beers ya daft nonse. I watered em down fer yer delicate sensibilities and all.”

The beers were drunk, the glasses were refilled. The beers were drunk again, really bringing out the taste of the baby rabbit, as they let the liqueur swirl around their tongues in an orgy of taste and half eaten peanuts that the bar gives out for free.

“Feck no, 's not for free. Ya gon pay for all a them.”