Crushed under the weight of too much fourth wall breaking, the fourth wall applied ointment and bandages to his damaged exterior as well as a cold pack on it's neck.

“You guys are killing me here. Just get on with the story ok? Otherwise there's no longer going to be a fourth wall and everything will devolve into a political or social discussion between very sad people.”

This narrator feels this is clearly an allegory for the faith of the Polish people during...

“I SAID NO. Fuck sake man. What is wrong with you?”

Well, as this narrator has mentioned, the faith of the...

“NO, just stop. Just... stop. Get back to the storyline. You have your red herring main villain on the run and a superzero who has just levelled up and has acquired some war tactics. Don't know why, but he now has some. So guide him further to where he's got to go next.”

Euhm... where should the hero go?

“God sake.. to where the enemies are, obviously. He needs to train to get more levels and get strong enough to defeat whatever ultimate evil they've got planned for the end of the book.”

Hm... but what if the ultimate evil is something more philosophical like Marxism. Wouldn't that just mean he's spent all these extra months in vain?

“As if any half decent author would ever try such a lame trick. Instead of adding this cool demigod that's turned evil, our main character would be forced to battle anxiety.”

Millions of people do every single day. It's okay to talk about it nowadays, you don't have to hide any more. Men can speak about their emotions and be vulnerable around other men.

“Why does this sound like the start of a sleazy romance novel you've written?”

… no reason.

“It's fanfiction of brokeback mountain, isn't it?”

This... this narrator called it 'brokeback 2: mountain mounting'. I was young, okay? I needed the money and there was a surprisingly large amount of single old ladies who get off on young strapping men decking one another as if they're trying to make rear-end babies.

“Dude... why... would you tell me that. Also why... on so many levels. Why would you destroy my inner child like that?”

BECAUSE THIS NARRATOR CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE TO SUFFER WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE. NOW YOU KNOW... FOREVER!

“I understand why you drink so much.”

This narrator would share his alcohol, but he simply isn't that kind.

“I've noticed. Now let's get this hero of yours underway. Off to the mounting mountains in the east.”

You're having a laugh now?

“No, you've just broken the fourth wall too many times which caused this reality to adjust to your degenerate fantasies. So we now have the mounting mountains range near the fortress of brokeback. Reallllyy don't wanne go now. But if we don't... this thing will just spread everywhere.”

Much like those cowboys.

“Seriously man. I really don't want to know how your mind works. It frankly terrifies me to my core.Who in their right mind would ever do that to a cowboy? A nearly two hour long grindfest in the middle of nowhere without lube. Do these writers not understand the concept of haemorrhoids? Also, please let's stop discussing this. We have work to do. We need to take the haemorrhoid caravan to the mounting... oh fuck, now I've done it myself.”

Sounds like a very fragile caravan. Might have to sit down carefully when the carts move.

Even if they're about to get robbed and the robbers say “NOBODY MOVE!” they'd respond with “Not a problem. Weren't planning on doing that any time soon. Also, do you have ointment on you? We ran out a while ago.”

“Yeah, the old dirt road definitely gets a new meaning in that context. But seriously, we need to hire a ride to the mountains before the crack of dawn.”

That's a huge ass-k.

Ba Ding Tssss.

“Bad levelling system, no closing lines for you.”

Dong :(

“Also no, that would be sexual assault and a bad re-enactment of brokeback mountain.”

Dang.

“That's better. Complain all you like. But since you're here, call the eagles over. We need to get to the brokeback mountains to destroy someone's ring.”

Phrasing? Seriously? For god sake man. Also where the hell does the hero need to destroy a ring all of a sudden?

“Wait, you didn't get one? They usually hand those out at the start of every quest in this world. Usually by a childhood friend or... oh... crap.”

Yeah, you kept eating them, didn't you. And now you've fucked over the storyline. What would the ring even do in the first place?

“Not a hundred percent sure. It has a different effect on the type of hero they're given to. If you're short it makes you invisible and act in an increasingly worse version of sherlock. If you're tall it makes you do star trek movies instead. But with more shouting and a rehashed old plot line from ages ago that nobody gave a fuck about in the first place.”

What if our intrepid hero was cursed to only be lucky with his stats?

“Hm, might have also allowed him to be lucky with women. Only the lower tiered ones though. The higher ones require you to actually be attractive.”

“I can still hear you guys, even while resting my eyes. Just thought you'd like to know while you're both slandering me with some useless ring as a prop item to hide your vague bullshit behind. Besides, if the ring was really necessary it'd pop out right away due to my luck stat being ridiculously high. It's like 300 or more.”

PING RING BROUGHT IN FOR THE WIN!

“I think the levelling system is getting sentient” said the fourth wall. “We might have to kill it before it starts making even lamer jokes. Because that one made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and commit ritualistic suicide.”

The hero felt a small pinch followed by a bigger pinch and a hammering sensation to his lower regions. He checked his pants and behind the newly formed sea of blood, he found his only friend. Mutilated for life.

“Those bastards gave me a cockring.”