Colours - Monster

"I'm going to Jevin tonight."

The table was quiet after my announcement. It was my second day out of captivity with Chi's Clan and I already felt stir-crazy. They hardly did anything, no training, no sparring, no jaunts out into the city. They really did lie low, though from what I wasn't sure. I just knew I had to get out, even if it was just to hunt the streets like I had when Jevin didn't have any assignments for me.

A part of me knew deep down even if I tried to just prowl the streets I would end up at his door. I hated him too much to not go back to him, to let him live even one more night. The thought that he might have fled the city crossed my mind, but I hoped he hadn't. I hoped he wasn't the coward I thought he was, the kind of man to run away just because one of his pets had escaped. I hoped his arrogance would keep him in the city. That he would remember me as the broken thing that had come to him so many weeks ago, not the furious woman with a vendetta I was now, but I doubted that. His paranoia was boundless. Even if he was gone, even if he had run, I would find him, I promised myself that.

Chimarah glanced down at her plate, sliding cold Chinese across it with her plastic fork. Syn was avoiding my eyes too. Spade was the one that finally broke the silence.

"Jevin is dead. Someone killed him weeks ago. Slit his throat, and cut out his heart and burned it...and cut off his head, killed four of his servants too. It was a real scene."

My mind couldn't even comprehend Spade's words at first. Someone had killed my master? Someone had killed the man who had owned me for weeks? Someone had taken that small pleasure from me? Even though I had told myself I would do it quickly, kill him without any of the sick creativity I wanted, I still knew I would have enjoyed it. Just to see the shock on his face, the light leave his eyes, his frozen skin to be cold from death, not from what he was. But someone had taken that from me. Someone had stolen even that tiny happiness from me. He was mine to kill, just like I had been his.

"Who?"

I could barely get the word out evenly, the anger in me made my hands shake in my lap. Chi swallowed hard before answering. Her mind screaming her deceit even before her mouth formed the words.

"No one knows, probably one of his enemies. He had many. Maybe someone traced one of your kills back ta him and decided ta pay him back. It was definitely personal...what with the heart n' head n' all."

"You're lying."

The words hissed from behind my teeth as I tried to fight the urge to let them sharpen.

Someone has continued what you began, taken up your place in your absence. But where you killed quickly, this one kills slowly, where you tried to not enjoy the process, this one revels in it. Jev was just the start, there has been a kill almost every night; Darklings, Demons, criminals of every species, it doesn't seem to matter.

Some tried to say it was still you, still Mors, that you had gone insane, but no one really believes that. He's the opposite of you. The city is terrified, at least our kind is, the humans just think of it as gruesome gang crimes, it's never in the nice parts of the city and they only hear of a fraction of the kills for obvious reasons.

He keeps his victims alive as long as he can too, torturing them until their bodies give out, then bringing them back just to do it again. The city is whispering of a Fallen, maybe one that's lost his mind, that has no reasons, only his urges, his nature driving his actions.

"Is he only killing evil?"

I directed the question at Syn, but I saw Chi bite down on her cheek as she realized he had spoken to me in our secret way. My heart was racing, pounding. Maybe this was my target, the first one I would kill, the first mark I would add to my arm in weeks. I longed to add more, I missed the sting of the blade against my skin. I needed to kill again, even if I tried to not enjoy it, I needed it. I knew I would always enjoy it in some small way, the power over someone else, letting my Shift stretch, letting my nature win, if only for a moment. Just hearing, just imagining the pain this new killer was causing made my mouth water. I envied and hated him at the same time. He was doing what I wouldn't let myself and yet the very reason I would kill him is what I desired most. What the city called insanity, I called bliss.

He isn't just killing evil, he is evil. I'm sure of it. No one can be like he is, can do what he's doing, without being completely devoid of a soul. I'm sure it's a Fallen, maybe a Half, I just don't know if he's mad or not. What seems unreasonable to us, what seems crazy to us, might just be the way their mind works. He must be incredibly powerful to not be hiding his kills, not even pretending to cover his tracks. I think it's a Fallen.

I nodded. Suddenly feeling ashamed of my own thoughts, my own desires. I was a Half, and that meant the things most people, even Darklings, turned away from was paradise to me. It only reminded me further of the monster I was, no matter how I tried to cover it or hide it. Even if no one else knew, I did. My lips curved at brutality, my mouth watered at torture, my body yearned for blood. Some sick part of me had even admired Jevin's skills in that way. His control, his desires almost feral, his torture so complete. I shook the thoughts and tendrils of self-loathing that began to snake through my mind. I wasn't like that, I might not be able to control my desires, but I could still control my actions, and I did, I always did.

Slowly I began to get a feeling deep in my gut that this was the one, this would be my return to the city. Syn was right, this man was evil, and regardless of how I felt, I wasn't doing what he was, even if I wanted to. I wasn't the one mutilating and torturing. I was fighting my nature where this man had succumbed to it. This was the exact reason I didn't play out my darkest fantasies, my sickest dreams on my targets, because it would bring my nature crashing down around me. Clearly this man wasn't as smart as me, as controlled. He wasn't the judgment of this city, I was. I was the one who could control who I was, for now at least, he had lost that, and he would lose his life next because of it.

The remainder of the meal was quiet, as usual with Chi's Clan, with only the occasional word or two spoken. Maybe it was because of Syn, maybe the others spoke less because of him. I mulled over the possibility as I ate my takeout. Finally, I couldn't take it, it still seemed strange to me that I actually wanted to talk with people, people like me, but I did. I hated the silence, it reminded me of Jevin. Maybe my time with him had made me appreciate others of my kind more, or maybe I was just trying to fill a void I knew I'd never be able to.

"How did you beat the guys? You said you became the leader because you had a competition and you won. No offense, but how did a child win?"

At my question Chi's eyes lit up in her small face, bright white teeth making a brief appearance before the smile turned to a smirk.

"I have some tricks up my sleeves, so ta speak. People don't expect much from me, because I'm little and young, but I've never had a problem proving them wrong."

Her grin looked mischievous as she answered, making her seem impish.

"Would you like ta...see?"

She snickered as I nodded quickly, curious at what it could be. Spade frowned at Chi as she stood, but she pretended not to notice.

"Alright, stand up, it works on everyone as far as I know, but only if they don't Shift, so no cheatin'. "

I raised my hand into the scout's honor sign.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

It was a strange feeling, standing in front of Chi, having to look almost directly down at her since we were so close, wondering how the little Darkling before me, the kid, was going to beat me. I had said I wouldn't Shift, but even without any help I imagined I could win laughably easily. I could see how she had gotten the men to agree to keep the competition human, they probably thought it would just be a brawl, may the strongest win or something. The mystery of it all intrigued me.

Chimarah smiled up at me for a second, and then everything went dark, like the lights had gone out, every light, like I was staring at a dark page in a dark room in a dark world. I knew I wasn't unconscious, I could still feel the ground beneath me, the slight movement of the air as it moved around me, but I couldn't see anything. Even with my heightened eyesight I couldn't see anything. I had never been so completely blinded by darkness before. I tentatively lifted my arm out in front of me, wondering if Chimarah was still there, but then I felt her mind and her voice quickly followed.

"I can still see you, and I suggest you lower your hand unless you want ta poke my eye out. We can all see you, you just can't see me, or anything. It's like I close your eyes, but you can still see with your Shift. I used it on each of the boys, made it easy to beat 'em. I can do flashes too."

As if to make her point she suddenly appeared before me, the room behind her just as before, then it was black, then she was back, but over on my right, then the room disappeared again before she appeared on my left.

"See what I mean? Easy-peasy. You can't fight what you can't see."

The room went black once more, but I could feel her moving the air as she walked behind me, disturbing the natural currents in the room. I turned around, listening to my Sign, letting it guide me until I thought I was facing her again.

"Except you're making waves in the air, so in a way, I can see you."

I smiled sweetly at the nothingness in front of me. Chi's high voice replied a little more to my left than I thought.

"True, except you've been smiling over my left shoulder, dearie. I'm short, remember."

She giggled before the room came back to my eyes and I realized she was right, I had been looking in her general direction, but not actually at her. I swore under my breath good-naturedly before sitting at the table again.

"Good trick, if no one Shifts at least." I teased.

"Well, not all of us can use our Sign like you can. I'm a water and I'm faster than anyone you've probably met, but that's about all I got from it. I can't feel little ripples from the moisture in the air or anything. I wish."

She sat down too, munching on a now-soggy eggroll.

"So you have an Earthmin and a Water...any Airs like me?"

I looked to the twins, knowing Spade didn't have a Sign, but they both continued to watch their plates, refusing to look up at me. Finally Horn answered, still not looking up.

"We're both Fires, though we work more with heat than actual flame. I'm better than little brother here. So no, no Air like you."

"I knew a Fire once, bit of a hot head."

I chuckled at my own lame joke, trying to ignore the memories fighting to break into my mind. I hated looking at the fires the Clan constantly kept lit in the warehouse, they reminded me of him. Sometimes I couldn't even enjoy the night sky from my window, it seemed too close to the color of his eyes. Everything had a piece of him in it, everything was haunted by him.

I fought to keep my hands loose, not balled into the fists they usually became when I would inadvertently think of him. It was torture, trying to act normal, trying to pretend I wasn't feeling what I was every second of every day. I was learning though, learning how to hide the cringes, how to appear calm when I had a war waging inside me, how to stop myself from reliving the memories I wished I could forget. My mask was becoming impressive, well-practiced, a few more weeks and it would be impenetrable.

Sometimes I wished for peace, but I knew that wasn't what I really wanted. I wanted revenge. I wanted to hold onto my rage, my hatred of them for deserting me, especially my anger at Gabriel, for the snake that he was, the lying, sickening, evil thing he was. I didn't care if he had been trying to be good, he wasn't, he wasn't like me, just like he had said so many times. Deep down he knew it, he had known it all along but still decided to play pretend and drag so many others down with him. I used to believe he was good, but that was just his charm, another weapon he used. Now every night I was weighed down with memories of him, memories of all the times I should have seen him for what he was; a demon. But broken pieces are hard to see behind such a pretty face.

He had played with me and then left when it was no longer convenient to keep me around and now I wanted nothing more than to find him and give him what he deserved, what he knew he deserved. I wouldn't let him go like I had last time. Last time I had been shocked and hurt, but I had had weeks for the hurt to turn to anger, the pain to solidify into rage, for all my emotions to mix and ferment and strengthen.

Now I just had to practice, and I would start with the plague that was feeding off the city, put the disgusting creature out of its misery. And if it really was a Fallen, if I couldn't beat him, then at least my ultimate problem would be solved, at least the pain would be gone and I would know I died while I was still good, still in control of myself. That was all I could ask for from life anymore. That I didn't live long enough to see myself become a monster.

I looked up to see only Syn still sat at the table with me. The others were in their various cots, or mulling about the fire. I gave him a weak smile as I let my jaw relax, it was always sore lately. I ground my teeth often now, when I would think of anything related to my past. Syn returned my smile and raised his eyebrows, asking me to talk.

I didn't want to, but I knew how much he enjoyed being able to finally communicate with someone, not having to write things down, not having to sit silently while others had conversations and discussions around him. I didn't want to take away his only outlet just because I wasn't in the mood. I opened my Gift and waited for his quiet thoughts.

You're thinking of them again, aren't you? I can tell, you get this look in your eyes, a fire. Will you kill him when you find him?

I nodded, just barely, almost feeling a relief at sharing my plan with someone else.

Good. I believe in your instincts, you should too. The fact that he ran proves he is evil, otherwise he would have stayed with you, since you're both the same, bloodline at least.

I nodded again, rolling my shoulders a few times to try and loosen the tension in them. It was like my entire body tightened when I got too caught up in my memories, my own mind. My mind was no longer a refuge for me, not usually at least, my anger always crept in, my thoughts always circling back to my failures.

"I'm going out tonight, even if Jevin's gone..."

I sighed at just the memory, still upset I hadn't been the one to send him to the fiery judgment he deserved.

"I still have others to find, especially my little copycat. I'd say it's about time Mors made her return."