Adestria - Scarlet Letter

The door opened and I saw what he meant.

'You'll be more compliant once you see the gifts I have for you.'

He hadn't lied, I should have known he wouldn't, he had never been the bluffing type. My heart sank to its lowest when I saw them, at least before I thought I could make a choice. Refuse him and be killed, refuse him and be captive, tortured, but this? This made my choice bear a weight I had hoped to never shoulder. I would still choose the same, I would still refuse him, I had to, they would want me to, but it didn't make the decision any easier. Even knowing that you're doing the right thing can't ease a conscience sometimes, especially when your friends, your family, are the price.

Kael was the first I saw, Nevaeh next to him, both tied and on their knees, both clearly beaten, blood caked down one side of my brother's face. Nevaeh wouldn't look at me, but I hadn't expected her to, she still hated me. I was a demon in her eyes, a traitor. Kael was looking right at me, forever the opposite of his sister, his eyes begging me to let him die, to not give in to my father. I told him I wouldn't, not out loud or in any visible way, but I knew he understood me, he always understood me. Relief filled his eyes before he gave a small nod to me and stared down at the floor, resigned to his fate. My father stood just behind them, his dark hair gleaming in the low light, a smirk on his face. I hated that I looked so much like him, like I was looking at a mirror of my future.

I wanted to believe that he truly thought my Clan was enough of a bribe to make me bend to him, but deep down I knew he didn't take me so lightly. The alternative that came to mind was too horrific for me to think of though, and I pushed it away. He couldn't. But then she appeared by his side, not bound, not looking in the pitiful health of my former Clan members. She stood by his side in her gear, her fighting gear, a look of cold indifference on her face, a terrible mask that hid the features I loved. Her grey eyes stared out like a ghost's, her body relaxed even though she stood next to a devil.

She spun the small gold ring on her finger, the one that had a permanent home on her pinky, just like she had done so often back when I knew her, back when we were partners. That small gesture, that tiny habit of hers proved to me it was her, not an illusion, not a trick of my father's power on my mind, it was really Jordan standing with him, standing close to him. My stomach dropped.

Her eyes rose to mine and I prayed I would see something familiar there, some hint that this was her plan, that she was still the woman I knew, admired, but there was nothing, nothing but empty holes. Her eyes showed me that she had lost her soul, given it to my father, just like Juda had, like so many others who sought power.

My heart ached for her, for what she must have gone through. I should have been there for her, I should have protected her. My heart felt as if it would fold in on itself, as if it would harden into a stone in my chest and crumble to sand, as if it was so cold it would freeze the very blood in my veins. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't look at her, yet I couldn't drag my eyes away either.

Jordan, my Jordan, but she was his now.

The thought jolted me back to the present, steeling my reserve. He would not win. He had taken everything from me, but he still would not win.

"Now, I ask you again son, will you join me? Will you come back home?"

Even his voice made my stomach constrict, his smile, his eyes, his hand on Jordan's shoulder. Everything about him made me wish I could kill him, wish I could find a way to be stronger than him, if only for a moment, that was all I needed.

"No."

I saw Kael's shoulders relax at my reply, as he let out a breath he had been holding in anticipation, hoping my answer wouldn't change because of Jordan's presence.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but I expected it. You have a lot of anger toward me, I understand."

His voice was smooth and calming now, like he was apologizing, like he wanted me to know he didn't blame me for being his prodigal son. As if I wanted his forgiveness, his understanding. As if his opinion held any kind of weight with me. I hated him more than was possible, more than one man's heart could house. I would give anything to be able to kill him. I would sacrifice myself, my soul if I had one, just to see him burn, to see him suffer.

Jordan took three steps forward, her grey eyes on me the whole time, before she stopped behind Nevaeh, a knife in her hand. She looked back at my father and he gave her a nod and then I saw the point of the knife through the front of Nevaeh's shirt, heard her sharp exhale, a sound of shock and dismay and pain. And then she looked up at me, but her eyes didn't hold the hate I thought they would, she looked sad, sorry. She looked softer than I had ever seen her. She looked like the woman she should have been if her family, her sister, hadn't been torn away from her, if the world hadn't hardened her. Then the light left her beautiful eyes and she fell, a red pool spreading over the polished tile beneath her. The same tile I had washed my mother's blood from when I was a child.

Kael continued to stare at the ground in front of him, not acknowledging the blood soaking into the knees of his jeans on the floor, but I saw the shine of tears on his cheeks. I couldn't imagine the devastation he was feeling, the loss of his sister, the woman he had vowed to protect so many years ago when she joined us. He had put her back together, and now she was lying dead next to him. Because of me. I never understood how he could be so patient with her, so kind and loving, so forgiving of all her faults, but now I understood. The only small grace I could think of was that he would join her soon. He wouldn't have to feel this pain for long. If anyone deserved Heaven, my brother did.

"Gabriel, I don't want to hurt your family, I really don't. But I need you to stand with me. You have no idea what is coming. I need you by my side. I want you by my side, son."

I wished I could say yes, to spare my brother, but I knew I couldn't. He wouldn't want his life if it meant so many others would lose theirs, if it meant I would live as a weapon, a monster, once more. He wouldn't want me to be selfish and spare him. He wouldn't be able to live knowing the reason he was still breathing had come at such a high cost. I wished I could tell him how much I cared for him, how much he had meant to me over the years. I wished he could know that he was the reason I wasn't the man my father had wanted me to be, that he had always been a guiding light to me, an example of kindness, of understanding, of a gentle soul, a good man.

"I'm sorry, Kael. I never wanted you or Nevaeh to be a part of this. I'm so sorry, please know I never meant to hurt you by keeping my secrets. I thought I was protecting you. I'm so sorry. I love you, brother."

I could feel the tears in my throat, choking out the words, making my voice waver as Jordan stepped behind Kael. I was screaming at her in my mind, trying to call any connection I may still have to her, to stop, to not do this, to remember that she loved Kael too, that he had been her savior in our Clan, that he had been there for her, her advocate and friend, through it all. But there was nothing in her eyes, no spark of any remorse, any emotion. Instead of any reaction from Jordan, Kael looked up, his eyes meeting mine. His mouth opened, but no sound came out, I could read his lips though, see the words he wanted to say, but couldn't voice.

I forgive you, brother.

I didn't remember opening my mouth, or even thinking of words to say. The first realization I had that I was even speaking was when I heard my own cracked voice pleading with Jordan, begging her to stop, telling her she didn't have to do this, she didn't have to murder her friends, to listen to my father, to do what he said. That anything he had done to her, anything he had threatened couldn't be worth what she was about to do. But it was no use, she wasn't there anymore. Maybe she hadn't been for a long time.

Jordan, please, please don't. Let him go, don't do this. Please, Angel, stop!

The blade was still tinged in Nevaeh's blood, and it left a red smear where Jordan placed it against Kael's throat, but he didn't move, didn't flinch, his body didn't even tense, his only movement was a quick flick of his eyes down to Nevaeh's body at his side. Then he closed his eyes, his lips moving silently as he prayed, his long hair hiding most of his tearstained face.

My father wore a wide smile, giddy like a child as his eyes tracked the slow movement of Jordan's knife. She didn't cut him quickly but instead inched the blade across his skin, slowly splitting it, cutting deeper the further along she went. Kael finally tensed when she was halfway across, his arms becoming rigid, his jaw clenched, his face pained, and then I couldn't watch anymore. I stared down at the ground instead, dropping to my knees when my legs felt too weak to hold me. The only things I loved in this world were destroyed, two dead and one broken beyond repair. Everything I had built, everything I had ever cared about was shattered, and it was my fault. It was always my fault.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, one I knew well, but I didn't have the strength to move away from him.

"My son, you can have her, she isn't yet lost to you. You can save her, she can be yours, all you have to do is be my son again, stay with me, stand with me. I'm not asking anything beyond you, and I'm willing to give you anything you want, any luxury. And her, she will be yours, finally yours, completely and forever. You can have your Pair, your Twin, the only one in this world made for you. You can save her. All you have to do is join me."

Everything in me wanted to say yes, every part of me screamed it, but I couldn't, I couldn't let him win after everything he had done. Once and for all I could end this, this chase, this game he played to try and get me. He had nothing else to barter with, he had nothing to use against me, it was all already gone.

"Burn in Hell."

I wished my voice could have been stronger than a whisper, but it was choked by my pain. I wanted to die. I couldn't defeat my father, I couldn't save anyone. All I could do was make sure I never joined him, never added my power to his. I wanted it to be over so badly, I wanted to not have to try so hard. Even Hell sounded better than the life I had lived. I never should have been created.

His hand disappeared from my shoulder and when I looked up he was back with Jordan, facing her with a solemn look on his face. He raised his hand to brush against her cheek, a fatherly gesture of love and care that made me sick. She handed him the knife, now stained with both Kael and Nevaeh's blood and he took it lightly from her grasp.

I realized what he was doing a moment too late, unable to do anything but watch in horror as he raised the blade to her heart, angled up from her ribs. He turned his face to me, his voice echoing in my mind.

You could have saved her.

I woke up shaking, a choked noise coming from my throat, wracking sobs that sounded even louder reverberating in the warehouse's cavernous room. I was on my hands and knees on the floor, just as I had been by the end of my dream. The cot's thin sheet half off the bed. I bit down on my jaw, grinding my teeth together until I could steady my breaths, resting my forehead on the floor, trying to focus on the cold ground beneath me instead of the sick feeling in my stomach and the spinning walls around me.

When I finally regained control of myself my mind was reeling. Was that a vision? Was that my Clan's fate, my Pair's fate? Was that the future we all would find together, the next time I would see them? No, it didn't feel like a vision, it was something else, just a dream, just a nightmare, just a terrible, terrible nightmare. Even so, I couldn't fall back asleep, even just the thought of it seemed unreasonable. Instead, I sat on the floor, my back against the cot's metal frame, head in my hands, pleading with whatever was out there to help me, to protect my Clan, my Pair. Begging with whatever higher power there may be in the world to hear me, bartering, promising to do anything as long as my father never found my Clan, never got Jordan.

I'd never believed much in Heaven or a god, I always figured they left the Earth to its own demise millennia ago, and I knew it was foolish for me to be talking to the ceiling like I was, praying to it. I knew even if Heaven was there and had some power, even if its maker could listen, it wouldn't, not to someone like me, not to someone already damned, but I called to them regardless. I begged for Heaven to allow anything to happen to me, as long as my family was safe, as long as Jordan was safe. Kael had always believed there was a god, that there was someone watching, someone helping, and if that was true, if my brother had been right, then now was the time. I prayed that now was the time.