Young Heretics - I Know I'm a Wolf

I stood and all but Syn moved back, even Chi, though hers was slight, just a minute roll back onto her heels. I walked over to the wall before leaning on it and closing my eyes, rubbing my wrists where they had been bound. I had newly healing scars encircling each wrist from when I had pulled against my binds, from when my insanity, my withdrawals, had controlled my actions.

I breathed out a strength name, glad to be able to pull from Heaven once again, now that the electrum's curse was no longer holding me. It had felt terrible and strange to not have my powers, to feel human and weak, to feel like I had before I met my Clan, my old Clan. I felt Chi and her brothers' eyes on me, so I squinted one open, just barely, before I spoke.

"Don't worry, I'm won't eat you. I'm going soon. I just need a moment. I was tied up for almost three weeks."

I attempted a smile, but even I could sense it didn't look real. I barely even remembered how to fake it. I had been working at surviving my emotions, my sadness, containing them somewhere separate from myself, as often as I could in the last few days, almost constantly working through them, learning to cope. I hoped that if I continued, if I kept up the effort, kept my head above their waters for long enough, then maybe I could handle them one day, but smiling was still too far a stretch for me.

Spade looked down at Chi and I saw him raise his eyebrows. Horn and Halo, twins, looked incredulous as they crossed their gorilla-like arms over their chests in unison. Syn merely watched me. I saw Chi think of something, her eyes intense, weighing her options. It was then that I felt my Gift again, I opened it up, allowing it to fill my mind, to rise from its slumber, drinking in the feel of its strength. It had missed me, and I it. I no longer felt a wariness towards it like I had under Jevin's spell. I was no longer afraid to feel others' minds now that I had my own back. I immediately let it out, sending it to Chi first.

She was considering letting me stay, just for a night or two, but the thought of having a Half under the same roof as her Clan, not as a captive, frightened her. She had never actually met a Half, though she was hoping I didn't know that. But she had heard stories, the same as we all had, and she was worried this was all an act.

I moved my Gift to the others, relishing the feeling of their minds in mine. Spade didn't trust me, Horn and Halo didn't trust anyone, but Syn...Syn's mind was quiet. I felt a spark of something familiar from his mind, a companion to my own Gift that reached to me like an old friend, greeting my Gift's return to the world.

"I know you're contemplating being kind, letting me stay, but you know what to expect from Halflings, and I can hear your doubts. You want to protect your Clan. I know firsthand how...how deceitful my kind can be. Let Syn see my past, let him be the judge."

I felt my heart stutter at my own suggestion, at knowing someone would see how pathetic I had been, how pathetic I still was, how I had been tricked first by James, and then Jevin. How I had lost everything. How destroyed by my own memories, my own emotions I was, how weak I was. But it was the best option I had. I had to form a plan before I left. I was sure Jevin must be looking for me, scouring the city for his pedigree pet. I knew I needed a solid course of action before I returned to the city.

Deep down I wanted to run from the place I had been imprisoned in, to get as far away as I could, but I knew that I needed somewhere to stay, just for a day or two, just until I had a plan of how to destroy Jevin for all he had done to me. It was a small grace that Syn couldn't tell my secrets at least, that at least only one other person in this world would know the disaster that had become of my life. I now knew what Chi had meant when she said he didn't talk - he couldn't. I could feel the loss of speech in his mind like warm rain, falling over every part of his psyche.

Chi looked shocked, but Syn wore a crooked smile on his face at my proposition. It was the best expression I had ever seen on him.

"How did you know he can...or that I was...how could you possibly know that?"

Chimarah sounded like she couldn't decide if she was angry or just surprised.

"I'm a Half, I can do all sorts of things," I spoke with a sly smirk, the closest to a smile my lips could form. Syn smiled back, shaking his head slightly, like I was the most amusing thing he had ever been in the presence of. Chi continued to look half-confused, half-frustrated, clearly not appreciating my attempt at humor.

"I can see it in his mind. I can tell what his Gifts are as soon as he thinks of them, now that the electrum is gone."

I conceded and answered honestly, not wanting to so quickly ruin my only chance at a secure hideout. If they had been able to guard me for weeks from Jevin, I couldn't imagine a more thickly veiled location.

"Fine, but if he finds even one thing from your past that gives us a reason ta fear you, you have ta go. Otherwise I'll give you three days here. I don't run a damned homeless shelter."

She said the last part indignantly, and I wondered what other Darklings had come to her when they needed a safe place to hide.

"Let's get this over with then. What do I do?"

My voice dragged, my smirk gone as I remembered what I had offered. Spade answered in his deep, rumbling, calm way, giving me a distrustful look I ignored.

"Nothing. Just don't make any sudden movements."

Syn stepped forward, his face now serious. His eyes darkened until there was just a thin ring of white around the black. He reached a hand out towards me, slowly, and just barely touched the tips of his fingers to my temple, his brow furrowed in concentration. I opened my Gift as well, watching his mind as he looked into mine. It was a strange feeling, his Gift was different from mine, like he could flip through my mind, looking at the events but not feeling what I had, more of a bystander to the events, whereas my Gift gave me some sort of phantom player's role. I was relieved he couldn't feel my emotions, couldn't truly read my mind, only watch it, see the scenes and snippets of my past.

I could tell his Gift didn't come easily to him, it strained him, I could see the effort written on his face. Where my own Gift felt as natural as breathing, he had to force it. I simply let my victim's thoughts flow into my mind, he had to wrestle with them, shove away a part of his own mind to allow room for whatever it was he wished to see.

I saw him trying to find where my journey began, where he should start his search, and then he found it, the Clan in my convenience store, the woods, the Gorshe. I watched his face as my Gift showed me what he saw, my talks with Kael, his easy, open friendship, the game of Master and it's near-fatal end, Gabriel bringing me back, his dark eyes watching me when I woke in the infirmary wing of the Clan's manor. He saw my dream of the Collector and I was glad he couldn't feel the pull I had to join him. He saw my training, my growth into a real Darkling, a killer. He watched with sad eyes as I knelt in the woods and took my own life, too disgusted with the evil I thought I would become to want to live another moment. He saw Gabriel share his blood with me. He saw my growth in the Clan, all my actions of trying to be a good person, a good Darkling.

He saw the alley fight with the Serpentine and I saw him wince when he learned of the pain the poison had caused me, the sacrifice I had given for my Clan. I watched his jaw clench when he saw my fight with Gabriel, how he threw my gift back at me. Then the subsequent withdrawal when I immersed myself in training, losing a part of myself because of my resentment. His brows shot up when he discovered that we were True Pairs, his eyes almost focusing on me, disbelief on his face before he re-gathered his Gift and dove back into my memories, his eyes taking a far-away, clouded look again.

He saw me with Gabriel on his mother's anniversary, stroking back his hair as he fell asleep in my lap. He saw my dreams of his childhood and then the massacre of the hunters in the woods, the Clan protecting the wolves, fighting alongside them. He saw the power I had, how Gabriel and I worked together in perfect harmony, invincible and swift like death himself. He swallowed hard when he saw the strength of my Sign. And then the time I was dreading came as he watched my memory of the cemetery, Juda and the revelation of my true bloodline, of what I really was, of what my partner really was.

He saw the desertion of my Clan, my weakness in not being able to kill Gabriel and though I knew he couldn't feel my emotions, his mind was reeling with thoughts of how I could handle such a betrayal, such a deep wound, how I could have survived losing my Twin, the thing of legends. He had his answer a moment later as he saw me wandering the streets, something less than human like a broken doll, a shell void of anything on the inside. He saw me knock on Jevin's door, practically begging for him to take the pain away, to quiet my mind.

He saw my first feed, he saw my first kill, he saw the tally grow on my arm, creeping up further and further with each errand Jevin sent me out on. He saw the lack of joy I took in my kills, the quick efficiency I used to try and subdue my nature, to try and rob myself of any pleasure from my targets' deaths. His brow wrinkled when he saw the torture I went through in my six weeks of servitude to Jevin, his cruelty, as if he could feel the pain I had gone through. His jaw set in anger and he looked to the ground when he saw my nights with Jevin.

Finally, he saw his Clan through my eyes, surrounding me in the alley where I had been captured, and then he stepped back, his jaw still clenched and his eyes wide.

The one you loved betrayed you. I am sorry.

Syn's first thought made my heart burn. The first time he had ever been able to communicate with me. I stared back in response.

I thought Halflings couldn't love, I thought they didn't have hearts.

"They don't," Was all I could grind out between my clenched teeth, anger building in me.

You will kill yourself when your blood begins to take you over. You plan to fight it until then. You...you plan to live as the first light Halfling.

There was no question in his mind, he was merely making statements. I heard his next thought before it even started.

"Don't talk about him! Don't ever talk about him! My Pair is dead!"

I yelled the words, hissing the end out. Just the thought of him, the reliving of his betrayal, made a searing pain rip through my mind and rage boil in me. Even if some sick, masochistic part of me missed him, I hated him more. I always would. I had to.

Syn stepped back slightly, his palms showing at my outburst.

True Pairs are practically myths, but I suppose it doesn't do any good if he's dark. If it gives you any peace, remember, the deepest ring of Hell is reserved for traitors. At least half the power such a gift gives will be used for good, for a while at least. Hold out as long as you can.

Even just speaking about Gabriel and having another being in the world know of the devil he was made my Shift roll under my skin, pleading with me to be let out. I bit down on it, keeping it at bay with painful effort. I looked away though, no longer wanting to talk. I closed my Gift as Syn stepped back to his Clan. Chi quietly asked if I was safe and he gave a curt nod before settling his eyes on me once more. I could tell the others were confused from only hearing half the conversation Syn and I had shared, but I had no desire to explain.

"Is she like he said? Is she really...good?"

Chi tried to whisper, but I heard. I looked up to see Syn nod, a thoughtful look in his gold-flecked eyes.

"Who said?"

I straightened as I asked, startling Chi into taking another small step back from me.

"The rumors, that's all."

"But you said 'he', who is he."

My voice took on a dangerous edge, my Shift flexing once more, begging to be released after so long in its cage. I couldn't hold it, or maybe I just didn't want to anymore and I felt it tear from me like a hurricane. The power was magnificent. I smiled as my teeth sharpened, my world plunged into shades of grey and brilliant whites. Horn and Halo's eyes darkened a moment later as they positioned themselves in front of their Clan members and their loyalty both impressed and angered me. I had had that once.

"Just tell me who and I'll leave."

I gave another devious smile, showing off my teeth as I slid the words out. Horn took a step forward, quickly mirrored by his brother and I dropped into a defensive position, pushing off from the wall, ready for a fight. I breathed out two more strength names and an endurance and by the time their energy came to me I felt almost normal. My Shift was delighted with the prospect of shedding blood, anyone's, even Halo and his brother's, though I had nothing against them.

Suddenly Chi and Syn stepped between the twins and I, she glared at them as Syn faced me, a look of deep disappointment in his eyes. I opened my Gift to him, just his mind, hoping he'd tell me what I wanted to know. I was met by his answer immediately.

There is a prophecy of a Halfling. I do not know the entirety of it, but it is said that there will be one who defeats their nature and walks in the light. They say this Half will tilt the balance. That is all Chi meant. She wanted to know if it was true that a Halfling could fight their nature...at least for a time. I said I believed so, though you are now making me look a liar.

"You say you don't know the whole prophecy, who does? Where can I find them?"

My Shift was still prickling, running over the surface of my skin and mind, but I left my hostile stance as I spoke, knowing there would be no fight now that Chi and Syn had stepped in.

"We stay away from prophets and I don't know where you would even find one, they are a dying breed, maybe some are with the Mages, though they're hard ta track if they don't want ta be found. It's more of a legend than a prophecy, it might not even be real. I just know your reputation, the city is full of whispers of you.

You were wrecking havoc but nobody knew for who or why, what your goal was, if you even had one. Your connection ta Jevin was buried, he tends ta keep his weapons a secret. Paranoid little prick. Everything about you is a secret ta this city. No one knows who you are, where you came from, if you have a Clan or alliances. No one even knows what side you're on. Hell, we don't even know your name."

"I'm on no side. I don't care about light or dark. I'm going to do what I should. I'm unaligned, with a side, a Clan, anyone."

I would try to do good, to be good, but I wouldn't get into the politics, I would decide what was good, who was good. I would make my own decisions now, forge my own path. No one would tell me what to do or who to go after. I would kill anyone who deserved it, only the guiltless would be safe.

"But you are good, a light, regardless of if you think you are...I do."

Chi's lilting voice roused me from my thoughts, and I realized I had been back in my own mind, just like I used to do constantly, before the Clan, living in my own head, ignoring the world around me. It was different than it had been with Jevin, I had used my mind as an escape with him, a blockade from the horror around me, but this had simply been a conversation with myself, thoughts between friends. It felt nice to have my mind back, even with the emotions constantly threatening to bring down the shabby walls I kept trying to build against them.

"The rumors in the city fly about you, everyone has a different version, that you're evil, good, a Half, simply lucky or sneaky. That your kills are cheap, that they're skilled, that you're a monster, a Demon, an Angel, a blessed human. That there isn't just one of you, but it's a whole Clan that has been causin' such chaos. You've toppled Clans and alliances on both sides by Jevin's orders. Regardless of what people believe though, everyone knows of your power, that you can hide whatever it is you are, that you go undetected among every kind. They were calling you Mors, death. Some even believed you were death, a reaper of some kind. And then the hits just stopped, like you disappeared just as quickly as you came. You're the thing of legends in the city right now."

Chi spoke calmly, like she was explaining a news story to me, not the whispers of a city I had terrorized for most the winter. I absently rubbed the scars on my arm, the tally of those I had killed. I hadn't known my targets were powerful, I hadn't known I was weakening the politics of a city. I had only known my orders...and I hadn't had a choice.

Chimarah took a deep breath before she continued, stepping back to be in line with her Clan, apparently no longer feeling the need to separate me from the twins.

"I keep my word, I said I wouldn't tell what you are and I meant it. We won't breathe a word of your bloodline ta anybody. Ta be frank I don't want the attention and I doubt you do either. We don't know your name, your past, save for Syn, but he won't tell. No one knows of your connection ta Jev, or your bind ta him. No one knows anything about you. And I'll keep my promises ta the end, you can leave or stay for a bit, you're free ta do what you like."

A part of me felt relief that I would have a safe place to stay and that Chi would keep my secrets, that no one would know who I was. But another part of me was wary of spending any time with another Clan, of having to trust people I didn't know to protect my secrets, to keep their word. I hadn't had much luck with trusting others, with Clans or Darklings or anyone. Everyone I had ever trusted in some capacity had turned on me, even Jevin, who I had never really trusted, had used my weakness to his advantage. Was I going to trust my captors to keep their promises to me when no one else had?

I ran through my options, but short of killing the entire Clan to ensure my secrets' security and taking over their safe house, I didn't have much of a choice but to trust in Chi's words. I nodded to her before walking to the door, leaving the Clan behind me. I wanted to see the sky, the snow, the winter that had been passing me by as I stayed holed up in my prisons. I would stay with Chi and her Clan for a couple nights, just to give me time to think, to plan, but I had to go outside first, to convince myself I was really free. Finally free.