Chapter 37

Iris' Pov

My eyes snaps open and I fly up into a sitting position, grasping the sheets as I pant hard, drenched in my own sweat. Brushing the sticky hair from my face and neck, I groan rubbing my face.

I sigh heavily trying to calm myself down.

It's just a dream, I chant over and over in my head.

She isn't here anymore, she's dead.

Thanks to Arsenio.

Pushing the covers aside, I glance casually over at the vacant space by my side. Only the tousled white sheets can be seen, Luca must have already gotten up to do his usual morning exercise ritual.

I throw my legs over the side, my toes sinking into the soft carpet as I pad my way into the bathroom.

Two fingers massaging my temple as I try to alleviate the pounding in my head. Glancing in the mirror, I scowl at my appearance especially at the bags under my eyes.

I've barely had any sleep, Lila plagues my dreams, haunting me with lifeless vivid green eyes. She blames for her death, and well, I blamed me for her death too. I could have done more, but I didn't I couldn't.

God, I'm losing my fucking mind.

It didn't help much either that Luca refuses to tell me what was going to happen to her body, he only gives his usual vague answers, answers that irk the shit out of me. I couldn't fathom why it was he wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know? It was like he could only see a fragile girl who couldn't handle it.

It makes me think though maybe Lila wasn't so crazy after all, I mean she certainly opened my eyes to things unbeknownst to me. Shit, she is seriously fucking with my brain even from the grave.

I'm thinking myself into a frenzy that's what I'm doing.

Running my finger along the horizontal scar on my cheek, I shake my head, popping the medicine cabinet open and extracting the ibuprofen pill bottle, shaking two red pills into my open palm.

Knocking them back with a drink of water from the bathroom tap, I close my eyes, inhaling deep before opening my eyes once again. Scratching my head I take one last look at my sleep-deprived face.

I don't feel like me anymore. I don't even look like me.

My eyes have lost their brightness and seems to have sunken into my face, I have huge dark under eye circles and my face has definitely slimmed down. My hair is as thin as paper and I look as sick as a dog, basically I looked like death itself.

Cupping my hands underneath the flow of crystal water, I bring my head down to the skin and splash my face hoping it will give me that kick I desperately need and it does, slightly.

It's weird you know, I thought once I was free I would been so happy and I am but it's like I'm free but my mind isn't.

Grabbing a hold of Luca's shirt, I pull the oversized material over my head. Letting the garment slip from my fingers on to the marble floors. I trudge into the shower, manipulating the temperature of the water to a warmer degree.

Standing underneath the water, I stare straight ahead, just thinking.

It was only when the water suddenly felt like ice against my skin that I noticed I was just standing in the shower lost in my suffocating thoughts. Reaching for my body wash, I snap the top open pouring a dollop of the kiwi-strawberry wash on my loofah.

I was careful not to let the loofah irritate my wounds, which the doctor said would heal soon enough.

Man, I am majorly damaged.

I scrub myself, trying to rid myself of the dirty which seems to still mar my skin no matter how hard I wash my self. Shaking my head, I give up and instead let the water run over me, rinsing the suds off.

I step from the shower, grabbing a robe from one of the racks. Shrugging it on, I tie the belt around my waist and stroll into the bedroom, over to the wardrobe where I collect a pair of khaki colored sweatpants and a striped tee into my hands.

Tossing them unto the unmade bed, I move over to my underwear drawer where I pick out some comfortable cotton panties. I step into the panties and then tug it up my legs, untying the belt of the robe and taking it off, I get dressed in the outfit I'd picked out.

Tying my wet hair into a loose and messy ponytail, I go over to the door, prying it open and strolling out, going down to the kitchen where I can make myself something to eat.

The kitchen is empty, not a soul in sight. It makes me wonder where they all were? I haven't seen Rosie, Gabriele or even Lorenzo since I got home. I haven't even seen the people who aided in my rescue.

It's kind of my fault, to be honest, I don't feel like socializing with anyone, I just want to sulk a little longer, just a little longer.

Getting on my tip toes, I open the cupboard, pulling the box of cookie crisps from the shelf and into my waiting arms. Tucking the unopened cereal box under my arm, I close the cupboard, opening the one beside it to get a bowl.

Placing the bowl and the box of cereal down on the counter, I open the cutlery drawer, taking out one of the many shiny silver spoons.

"Milk," I mumble to myself as I pull the refrigerator door open, my eyes landing on the gallon of milk.

Grabbing it, I close the door of the refrigerator and make my way over to the counter where my breakfast waits to be assembled. Unscrewing the cap off the milk, I pour it into my bowl before screwing on the cap again.

I peel open the box of Cookie Crisps, and open the plastic bag the cereal comes in, shaking in a shit ton of cereal into my bowl. Popping the spoon into my cereal, I take a seat on one of the bar stools by the island, shoveling crunchy Cookie Crisps into my mouth.

"Buongiorno, bellezza." Luca's deep baritone comes as I'm in the middle of shoveling yet another spoonful of cereal into my mouth.

"Good morning." I echo as I turn my head to the side, my gaze settling on his shirtless, ripped and sweaty figure.

He has that tender, heartwarming smile on his face and that sweet caring look in those beautiful hazel eyes. It's nothing short of breathtaking.

"Is that all your having for breakfast?" He cocks his brow at me in a disapproving manner.

"Yup." I answer popping the 'p'.

"Would you like me to make you something to eat?" He asks as he walks further into to the kitchen, though to me it seems his question is more of a statement.

I shake my head, blushing. "You don't have to."

He chuckles at my reaction and rolls his eyes amused. "I want to, amore."

"Pancakes?" Luca inquire as he makes his way over to the refrigerator.

"Yes, please." I nod enthusiastically, my smile widening.

Luca grins at me over his shoulder as he pulls out the ingredients he needs to make breakfast. Kicking the door of the refrigerator close with his foot.

I watch him work, observing every flex of muscle as he prepares the batter. And the way he skillfully flips each pancake is simply art.

The man is art.

"What?" He cocks a brow, giving me an adorable side smile as he flips another pancake.

"Nothing, it's nothing." I scrunch my nose up, biting back a smile but failing miserably.

I missed him so much.

"You are truly something else, dolcezza." He shakes his head, with a light laugh, one that makes his eyes sparkle.

Luca grabs two porcelain plates from the cupboard, staking three pancakes on top of each other and topping it off with maple syrup, whip cream, and blueberries.

Sliding the plate of deliciousness in front of me, I give him a grateful smile before popping a fresh blueberry into my mouth.

"OJ?" He asks two glasses in hand, to which I nod.

Pulling the orange juice from the refrigerator, he places it on the island beside my previous breakfast.

"Good?" He questions, eyes amused as I stuff my face with pancakes.

Blushing, I swallow and apologize sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, amore, I'm just glad you like it." He smiles that handsome smile of his as he flicks my nose.

"How could I not, it's blueberry pancakes." I roll my eyes playfully.

He chuckles and grabs his own fork, digging into the beautiful breakfast he's made.

"So....." I drawl, as I play around nervously with my food.

"What is it, amore?" Luca says.

"I uh, was wondering, you....uh, wouldn't lie to me, would you?" I ask, eying him from the corner of my eye.

He pauses and licks his lips, brows lifting slightly. "If I said no, I'd be lying."

Well, at least he was honest about that.

"So that would mean you'd hide things from me," I state, looking at him directly.

He sighs heavily, looking back at me. "You have whip cream on your face."

My brows furrow as he reaches his hand out and wipes the whipped cream from the corner of my mouth with his thumb. Bringing his hand back, he pops his thumb into his mouth, sucking it clean before proceeding to continue eating his own breakfast.

"So, you aren't going to deny it." I voice.

"Would you like me to?" He cocks his perfect brow at me, staring down at me with indifferent eyes.

"I just want you to tell me what I want to know." I almost growl at him.

"And what is it that you want to know, tesoro?" He says pretending dumb, head cocked to the side.

I grit my teeth in irritation. "What is going to happen to Lila's body?"

"It'll probably be fed to ravens," Luca answers dryly.

My jaw drops and I gape at him in horror.

"Jesus, relax, Iris, I'm kidding." He snorts as he laughs huskily.

"That wasn't funny." I hiss, narrowing my eyes at him.

"I don't get why you care so much about her, she literally tried to kill you on multiple occasions." Luca shakes his head, with a scowl on his face.

I frown. "And I don't understand how you could care so little about a person."

"She's wasn't a good person, Iris." He looks pointedly at me. "She was a hazard to everyone around her."

"You make it sound like killing her was alright," I say to which he only shrugs. "like Arsenio does this all the time."

Luca rubs his face. "You seem to have a lot to talk about and that's good because Dr. Harlem is coming to visit."

"And who the hell is Dr. Harlem?" I inquire, brow cocked.

"One of the best psychologists in New York."

I purse my lips and cross my arms over my chest. "There is no way in hell that I am talking to a psychologist."

✨✨✨

I sit sulking on one of the couches in the living room as Dr. Harlem sits across from me, watching me with unsettling deep blue eyes, every minute or so he would look down and write something on that notepad of his.

Luca had left as soon as he greeted Dr. Harlem, he said that he was giving us some 'privacy'.

"So, are you going to say something?" I say, I'd had enough of this uncomfortable silence.

"And what would you like me to say?" He questions in an attractive British accent.

"Generally, you're supposed to ask me how I am?" I answer, eying him.

He is a weird one.

"Well, how are doing?" He inquires, closing his notepad finally attentive.

I blink before finally responding. "I'm fine."

He folds his legs, and leans back, it felt like he was boring into me trying to analyze my very soul. I fidgeted with my fingers, averting my eyes before finally, I spoke up.

"So, maybe I'm not fine." I sighed, scratching my head.

He cracks a smirk. "Good, so we're getting somewhere."

"What?" I furrow my brows at him in confusion.

"I prefer to listen to my patients, Doctor, let them feel like they're telling me what they want to tell me." He shrugs, stroking his facial hair.

"That's dumb," I mumble under my breath. "Look, Dr. Harlem, I really don't need your help. See, I'm a psychologist as well, I already know what I'm going through. It's called trauma."

"Please, Iris, call me Joseph. I am aware that you are a psychologist, but from a psychologist to a psychologist. I don't think you're just going through trauma." He says.

"And oh wise one, what do you think I'm going through." I sarcastically question.

He hums, eyes filled with assurance. "Well, I'm not sure as yet but I am sure by the end off this. I will."

"Good luck with that." I snort.

And like that, we sink into that horrible silence again but this time he wasn't writing anything only staring at me with his chilling ocean blue eyes.

"Is Luca paying you by the hour because I feel like you're just trying to lengthen the digits on your paycheck," I voice, rather peeved.

"Something is troubling you, Iris." He voices, ignoring my comment. "It seems your mind just can't find peace."

What was this guy? Psychic?

I say nothing.

"I'm just trying to help you, Iris." He mutters softly. "Who are you mad at? Yourself? Luca?.....Aresnio?"

My head snaps up in shock. "You know about that."

"Yes, Iris. I've been the Donario's family psychologist for a long time. I know a lot about them." He answers much to my surprise.

I sigh, rubbing at my temples. I mean if he could disclose something, I could too right?

"I suppose that's not what plagues my mind. It's the..... fact that I'm not so sure what to believe anymore."

"It's like everything I thought I knew, isn't so true anymore. I feel like I don't know who Iris is......I don't feel like I know Luca anymore, I know he's hiding things from me." I continue, swallowing hard. "I'm just starting to question the things I used to be so sure of."

I frown, nibbling on my lower lip. "I wish he would just tell me the damn truth."

"By chance do you feel like your losing ......stability?" He inquires, making me biting my nails as I consider his question.

"Yeah, it's like my world is crumbling before my eyes and I don't know what to do." I laugh humorlessly.

"I dare to disagree, I think subconsciously you've already made a decision." He responds.

And he's right I have made a decision. One that will be the hardest decision of my life.

Man, he's good.

It's nearly 5 pm when I hear the front door open and Luca steps in. I sit on the staircase, my mind going into overdrive as I think of what it was that I was about to do.

" Hey, where's Dr. Harlem? " Luca inquires as he closes the front door behind him.

"He left like 2 hours ago." I shrug as I stand up to my full height. "Look, Luca, I need to talk to you. " I fidget with my hands nervously.

"Okay but let me go first," Luca says, a hand held behind his back.

I nod unsurely, observing him with curious eyes.

"So since we didn't get to celebrate Christmas together and I didn't exactly give you a gift. I thought I'd get you something." He smiles softly, pulling from behind his back a small black velvet jewelry box.

I gasp, watching as he opens the box to reveal the cutest tiny diamond heart necklace ever. "Luca."

The corner of his lip quirks up and he takes the necklace into his hand, signaling for me to turn around. So I do, closing my eyes as the feel of cold silver settles on my skin accompanied by the softest graze of his fingertips.

"I'm sorry about what I said this morning, the joke I made. It was insensitive and cruel. I was being a major asshole. " Luca apologizes sincerely in my ear, his hands rested on my shoulders.

Ugh, why was he making this so damn hard!

I grasp the small pendant in between my fingers, toying with it as I struggle to make words come out, words I know would hurt both him and me.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He turns me around, eyes filled with so much concern.

I can't look him in the eye, it hurt to do that.

Reluctantly I speak, swallowing hard. "Luca, I think we should take .....a break."

Luca's brows shoot up in surprise and his eyes widens as he repeats. "A break?"

"Yes, I think that we need some space." I sigh backing away, feeling as Luca's hands fall from my shoulders.

"I'm not seeming to understand, amore. " He frowns, confusion written all over his face.

"I'm going through something, Luca and I think what I need is some time." I wring my hands.

" What is this about Iris? Is this about this morning." He questions.

"It's not about this morning. It's about me not knowing what anything is anymore. I don't feel like I know who I am or who you are anymore." I shake my head, digging my hands into my pockets and staring down at the floor.

"That's easy, I'm Luca Donario and your my wife Iris Harding -Donario, we live in New York and I'm madly in love with you." He laughs like this is some joke.

I pout at him. "But I'm not just your wife and you're not just Luca Donario who's madly in love with me. Lila-"

He grimaces as I mention her name but I continue regardless. "She made me realize somethings and I know what I need is time to just like sort everything out in my brain."

With that said I turn on my heel and make my way up the stairs, a part of me, the sappy hopeless romantic wanting him to grab my wrist and stop me but the sensible reasonable part of me allows me to continue walking up the steps.

Strolling into our bedroom, I go towards the closet grabbing the white marble suitcase in the corner and wheeling it out into the open room. Getting down on my knees I unzip it.

"Our house is huge, Iris. I can move to the other side if you'd like." Luca offers softly as he leans against the wall by the door.

"A new environment is what I need." I purse my lips as I get to my feet and grab a few articles of clothing from racks, throwing them over my arm.

"Where will you go?" Luca calls from outside.

"The orphanage, you know since Grace is.... gone. The kids have no one to look after them. " I respond, depositing the clothes I'd collected on to the bed.

It was quiet after that, I just sat folding my clothes into small squares, side eying Luca who had his head down and his hands deep in his pockets.

"What do you want from me, Iris? Do you want the truth?" He finally speaks, breaking the impenetrable silence. His voice is shaky and I can hear the raw emotion in every word uttered.

I sigh heavily, stalking my actions of folding my clothes. "You know what, yeah I'd love to hear the truth about everything."

Luca licks his lips, folding his arms across his chest as he stares up at me with orbs devoid of their usual warmth. "And you're sure your ready to hear the truth? "

"Yeah, I'm tried of living in the dark."

"Fine. " Luca nods. "For starters, you've been asking what's going to happen to Lila's body and I'll be honest I have no clue. I told Arsenio he could do whatever the fuck he pleased because I could care less if she was tossed in the Atlantic Ocean and fish were pecking at her fucking corpse."

Wow. Grim.

"There's also the fact that I told Arsenio to kill Lila and I'm not ashamed to say I don't feel the slightest bit guilty because if killing her a hundred times means keeping you safe, then so be it. " Luca states as he stares into my eyes, not a single flicker of remorse going through them. "I wanted to kill her myself, a matter of fact." He chuckles cynically.

It's weird I'd stared into those eyes a million times and never had I ever felt such coldness, such callousness. It was like he wasn't my Luca anymore.

I can say nothing, I only gaze at him, open mouthed in shock.