[Felix]

*~*~*

Give and take.

Reaching an equilibrium of the two is not hard,

You win some; you lose some.

But the instance of giving is testing, when letting go is involved.

And coincidentally, what you take,

Is eventually what you give back,

So to be able to learn how to 'let go'

Is a blessing in itself.

Because at the moment of parting;

You know you cherished what you took

Enough to not want to -

Let go.

*~*~*

Fuck.

The annoying noise of flappy bird stops, my poor bird drops to the floor like a fish out of water, it's quite gruesome actually, corpses scattered across the first 5 pipes. That's as far as I've ever gotten. I am about to restart but a message comes through.

Chef: Skylar bumped into mom. Just down the hall on the left. Grab dad.

I look to my right, dad chatting with Owen about something or the other. I whisper in his ear, "Skylar bumped into the ex wife." He straightens, seems that Owen caught the words and nods at us hopefully. Owen is a great person, he seems terrified of me so I don't make an active move to try and engage one on one conversations. The last thing I need is to scare the poor guy.

"I'll be waiting for Roman to show up, you go sort the family stuff out." I smile at him and pull dad off his chair, taking a swift exit into the hallways, is this going to be another panic attack? I wasn't expecting her to show up, I should've though, no offence Sebastien, but she is a right gold digger and being at social events such as this should only make sense. But what if this goes downhill? What will happen then? Will I be frozen like our last encounter? Am I ready to fix the situation if it breaks? Do I dare hit a woman? No, not because she's a woman but I don't want to make Aaron's event a bust, I will contain it and I will reprimand her outside of this ballroom. At least I have one of the many questions answered, but of course, it has something to do with violence.

I come up behind Ryland, who is standing very far from Skylar and the egg donor. The way Skylar is standing, that posture, that stance. I know it, and I know it well. Every time I see it, I am either fuming or really hurt from a fight, and he stands the same way to whoever thinks I am unworthy of a friend. He stands the same way at the beginning of someone bullying him, despite falling over time and time again, he still stands. But this is different. His mother never gave him the chance to stand in the first place. This is a first for him.

Just two months ago, Skylar was crying, panicking at the voice of his mother. I have no doubt he is still afraid, but he isn't going to back down. It's very clear. He says his lines, lines that both traumatise and shake me to the core.

"You destroyed your own life."

"Why did you do this to yourself?"

"We loved you."

Three simple statements and a long stare down later, the silence breaks. "And you think you did me proud? Proud enough to love you?"

Love isn't about worthiness. Ryland isn't worthy of my love, he just needs to be. Existing is enough for me to love him. It shouldn't be about pride or possession, it should be about unconditional love. Whatever she thinks is love, isn't. Even if Skylar was worthy in her standards, it still wouldn't be love.

It would be piety. Not even filial piety, just obedience, and compliance to someone as good as unrelated. There is no love involved.

"I've always been afraid that I might not love you enough, that's why you don't speak to me." Skylar responds, not explicitly to the question but I have a feeling this isn't about the questions or the answering. Everyone knew the answer, it might be different on her side versus ours. But we all have answers. "Then I've been afraid that I might not love you. I tried to love you again, I did." He clenches his fist.

"But I don't, I really don't love you." A gush of air passes in the narrow hallway, the distance between Skylar and I increasing by the second. It's an illusion of course, but it's symbolic of the fact that he is growing up, he, much like Ryland, no longer needs me to fight for him. There he is, valiantly fighting for his own life. Half the reason he was born. The origin of all problems.

It stings to know I have to let go. Stings to know that he will fight for me the way I fought for him. Stings that I know I have to let go. But at the same time, it makes me so fucking happy.

He's happy, he told me he is. I believe him. And that was my purpose, perhaps without noticing, my purpose has shifted? From helping him to helping myself. I needed that stable person, and Skylar was just that, he never left my side. But now that he is growing, I don't have the privilege of that anchor anymore. I have to grow familiar with my own problems, solve them without procrastinating and using Skylar as an excuse.

And I feel as though I have accomplished that.

I learnt how to feel, how to love someone romantically.

Though mere minutes ago, I learnt how to let go.

And I stand here, unclenching my hands that have always been holding onto someone,

But that someone is different,

And he does something different for me.

Long gone is the Felix that needs to hold, in order to be held together.

This is the Felix that holds to simply be held, and willingly accepts to be held.

My hand grasps Ryland's, and he holds mine firmly.

"And fact is? I don't need you to be proud of me. I am so fucking proud of myself." Skylar swears, unlike him, but if there is one person that invokes negativity in him, it would be his mother.

And I am too.

So, so fucking proud of you, Cookie.

~

"Bambi, you are going to get water poisoning..." Ryland says while looking around, hoping that no one see his brother wiping at his tongue with his napkin. I have my head on Ryland's shoulder, I feel so effeminate, but I don't care, I could be told to draw hearts above every alphabet with a dot on top and still not sway how in love I am.

I'm impressed by my lack of masculinity. "I love you so much Ryland." I whisper in his ear, he shivers but doesn't do anything and just squeezes my hand.

"I feel dirty, I just swore! I thought it would be cool, but now I just feel uncultured!" The aftermath of the whole verbal beat down is a lot less underwhelming than I thought. Skylar didn't speak for 5 minutes, then he complained that he is hungry. He suddenly stops his wiping. "I have to go now. I'll be back for the end."

Skylar doesn't leave an explanation and just bolts straight out the door.

Owen isn't here either, I wouldn't be surprised if the two had some secret scheme going on. At least that's what I hoped this would be, or else it wouldn't be very Skylar of him to come to a boring charity ball with a suit on and no ulterior motive.

For another 20 minutes, nothing happens, the two boys aren't back, and I'm sitting at the table enjoying food, a lot of food since the table that is meant for 6, now only has 3 and we were a special table with at least 3 people less than most other tables. Not that I am complaining, I can eat more than is healthy and this food is gourmet as fuck.

"Fucking hell, I told you that you are going to choke." Ryland pounds my back with his palm, eliciting a cough from my throat. I smile at him while wiping my mouth. "If I didn't know better I'd tell you to revert back to how you were 2 months ago." He sighs.

Sebastien is chatting at the cocktail tables again, apparently he had bumped into business associates of the past. Ryland was going to go over and speak some, but truthfully, I don't want him to leave me. That and the fact that leaving me alone in a bunch of rich people is going to be a dick to deal with.

I stare at my ring, thinking back to the days where I stand up for my best friend, or in a broader sense, brother.

It's strange. I've never regarded Skylar as a brother, he's always been my best friend, but yet he's more than that. He's on par with some ancient treasure that gets passed down from generation to generation of centuries. A family heirloom if you will. But then again, Skylar isn't some object that I claim as my own. He's his own, and he is even more so now that he is making life choices on his own. Capable of earning his own happiness.

"Really hot American 1 meter 6 o'clock." I hear a deep voice behind me. Almost jumping into the air when I turn around to see Roman in a suit. I'm not trying to be unfaithful here, but a man has got to give credit where it's due and holy shit does Roman clean up good. His hair is still long, and he has it up as a tidy bun, with two strands of hair that frame his groomed beard and smudge free glasses. "How do I look? Worthy of an employee's love?" He wiggles his eyebrows.

"Sorry bro. Taken." I shrug, he feigns hurt. "Sit the fuck down, you're tall enough to have your head up the ass of the giant from Jack and the beanstalk. And you're capable of drawing in attention like a NASA satellite dish."

He gladly slides in next to me. "Fucking hell. I am terrified." He whispers, taping his hands on his dress pants. "What if I embarrass myself? I'd be fucked."

I'm still not catching on with what's happening. But from process of elimination, I know that he isn't here for the food and he isn't here for the people either. Unless people equals to person.

One specific person, named Aaron.

The one that has him on the tightest of leashes and the brink of an emotional overload from processing his face muscles to smile.

The more I look at Roman the more it makes me think. If I were to fuck up with Ryland, would I go to such lengths to win him back? Am I capable? I'd be able to let my guard down in front of him, but only him. It'd be a big jump to go in front of hundreds of business associates that matter to Aaron.

Then the fear of loss settles. I know I'm an irrational man, and that drives me into hysteria very easily. If it means I'm going to be depressed, which I totally will, from breaking up with Ryland I'd go to astronomical lengths to win him back all because of impulsiveness, irrationality and adrenaline. A lot of adrenaline to numb my senses.

But seeing Roman prepare to throw himself into the deep end of the pool is admirable. He's always been a good man, but he has troubles formulating that into words.

I know the feeling of fear. Fear of losing someone near to them. Skylar's accident is a prime example, it was a crushing experience and nothing made sense to me at all. It just felt like it's impossible for any of the things that happened to be fatal. But when it settles, the chance of death is there. It might not have been high but any little sliver of chance makes me beyond terrified. And I would trade my own life than to experience that ever again.

To a lesser extent does that apply to Roman,

But in the end of the day,

What matters is their love,

Not fake, motive driven love.

But the real stuff, the kind that makes my fingers tingle and my heart beat erratically.

The type that makes my brain melt and my strength dissipate.

That true love of learning to let go,

Letting go of what you should be, to become what you are and embrace what you want to become.

The lights go off. Music starts.

This-

Is what Roman chose to become,

He stands.

Not the strong exterior, but an equal amount of vulnerability inside and out.

He moves towards the middle of the ballroom.

To become the prince within the Beast.

And the Beast within the prince.

"Tale as old as time..."