[Roman]

*~*~*

Hold.

Hold on.

Hold on to me.

'Cause I'm a little undsteady.

A little unsteady.

-- Unsteady, X Ambassadors.

*~*~*

"I can see your ring from Saturn, please stop polishing it." I sigh, it's been a slow day back at the shop so far from what Johnny had told me, and I'm not particularly worried since we've been getting more business than ever this past holiday season, now that everyone is going back to work I can sort of wind down again. I groan while backtracking the path we took, knowing that lunch is over and I have to go back to the construction site for more inspection.

"You're just jealous you haven't put a ring on anyone." Melissa retorts, proceeding to shove her face in the ring and breathing on it like an oxygen tank. Honestly, it is as if the ring is more precious than her actual fiancé but I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not even slightly envious. Love is something I want, but don't have.

What I do have is a half assed attempt at a relationship. Or whatever the fuck that is.

Felix stands up, taking photos of where we are with his phone. From what I understand, he is really excited because this is around where Skylar and him had initially met. It's quite a ways away from the city which is strange, though I have no interest in probing their past. From the way Felix points and smiles while he speaks fondly about places memories were made, I can tell this place actually means something.

"So... explain to me why umm... wait no, first of all, who are you again? Sir?" Melissa asks politely, looking at a particular man that decided that he wants to tag along. A particular man that apparently doesn't have anything better to do. Not that I'm complaining, the man is hilarious. And not in the comedic way, he's just innately hilarious.

"Holy fuck! Sebastien, that's where Skylar volunteered for the animal shelter!" Felix flips his shit, practically hanging on Sebastien's arm, begging him to look while Sebastien is really just falling over from the cold. The wind is unforgiving today and there isn't much we can do apart from toughing it out.

"That's great. Remember the bit where I didn't give a shit about my son's life? The bit that I cry over every night for the past decade and be really guilty over? Yeah, no. I don't remember that place, Felix. On other news, there is a café, with heating!" He tries to sell us the prospect of leaving the cold. "Oh and I'm Skylar and Ryland's father. I know a little about business, just wanted to pass the knowledge down to Roman."

Sebastien looks over at me, underneath his scarf, I can tell he's smiling, the corner of his eyes crinkling and his cheeks lifting slightly. From my understanding, he has made acquaintances with everyone in 'the others'. We really need a better name if this is going to be a consistent thing. Anyway, I would like to know him better, and being the attention whore that I really am, Felix hogging his faux-father's spotlight is making me slightly upset.

I'm 29, and I lie to myself saying that I don't need parents to survive, I didn't for years, definitely don't need it now that I'm capable. But obviously, I just want a little piece of my childhood back.

Funny to think how five random guys just happen to be friends without trying at all, it's like children making friends, fast and simple except now there is love flying through the air like bullets through a battlefield. Perhaps I should ring up Aaron again. Neither of us really made a move to maintain whatever little passion we had over Christmas. I can tell it hasn't gone away, at least for me.

Can't really say the same for him.

"Whoa, shit!" Melissa trips on a rock covered in snow, the wind is really starting to pick up. I catch her arm before she falls, careful not to slip myself.

"Okay, maybe we should dodge this wind in the car." Felix points out, finger leading to his truck just a street ahead. Convenient. Sebastien throws an arm around Felix's shoulder, giving him a good pat on the back for accepting his suggestion, I'd call it whining.

"I should braid your hair." Sebastien 'suggests'. I still don't get how he's already 47, he might as well be Skylar's age. But that'd be wrong... I scrunch up my nose, trying not to be mean. "Okay... maybe not."

"I tried once. It just looks like a strange twisty cat tail. His hair is not for braiding." Melissa chimes in, sitting in the front seat because 'calling shotgun' apparently still works after you are 26, engaged and in a snow storm.

The car suddenly starts, and Felix pulls out of the parking spot very quickly. I fasten my seatbelt quickly and assess the weather, it is still storming. "What the fuck Felix?" I say slightly startled.

"Fuck..." Felix mutters, drifting slightly while he turns onto the highway, everyone is telling him to slow down, yelling even. But he's not speaking. "No, no, no..." He whispers, one hand clutching his phone tightly.

We stop yelling, Sebastien leans forward. "Hand me your phone." He says very calmly, running his hand up and down Felix's right arm. Felix starts shaking, like he's about to break both the steering wheel and his phone. "Come on Felix."

"I don't... I shouldn't have -" I'm now very worried, also extremely freaked out. "I c-can't." He pulls the car to a stop in some random driveway and opens the door. The gust of cold air invading the whole truck bringing snow and taking the heat, even the sound of the loud thuds and cracks as a result of the fast moving snow is freaky enough.

Melissa is about to yell at him again, but I stop her before she does anything. I don't think it's good when Felix is in hysterics, not that I've seen him like this before. But he told me he's got violence issues, the last thing I need is to sustain a broken arm while he is flipping out, he might be shorter than me, but he's got strength and a lot of it. While I've been trying to reason with Melissa, Sebastien had already hopped off and ran over to Felix.

Just seeing Sebastien fuss over Felix makes me want something like that. Maybe one day, again, I'm an attention whore, there is no telling if it's appropriate for Sebastien to treat me like that. Felix is, after all good as an in-law to him. But I really just want something, precisely something that I haven't had before. Or rather, someone that I can run to in times of distress, or when I need to talk about boy problems not that I have many.

With a kiss to the forehead from Sebastien, Felix stalks over to the truck again, barely shivering. Sebastien nods at me and I get out before running to the driver's seat. The two come in again, "Clearwater Hospital. Skylar's... Skylar's unconscious." Felix says, surprisingly chilling. Ironic.

It really isn't a good idea driving in this weather, but luckily the drive on the way here is only 20 minutes. But under this snow I would give it a good 45 minutes. A truck is not the easiest to manoeuvre in snow. Melissa rings up the construction staff to call off the meeting, for obvious reasons. Sebastien sits in the back with Felix next to him.

"I'm sorry ." Felix whispers. And I look in the rear-view mirror, spotting a very tender and fragile moment for Felix. The big bad Felix. I guess that's what Skylar does to him, a lifeline on the verge of snapping. Skylar is both what's on the other side of the line and the line itself, if both of those disappear, Felix would lose both life and line.

"As long as I'm not some lobster next to a red haired anthropomorphic half-fish princess with Poseidon as my father, I know everything will be alright." Sebastien soothes jokingly, whatever happened to Skylar, I know it's not good. This weather and passing out can't be a good sign. And judging from the demeanour of Felix and Sebastien, they are broken in more ways than one.

~

"Skylar Cook please..." I say quietly while approaching the front desk, I still don't know what's wrong or what happened to Skylar. And I am definitely not about to ask about it because Felix could very well punch me. He would abandon morals and his job just to get upset over Skylar.

"He's in room 4017. You can take the lift right behind you." Felix ran up the stairs, complaining that the lift was taking a lifetime. Not my fault that injured people can't handle g-forces of a normal lift. It's probably cause more injuries than they already have.

The room clearly isn't private but Felix doesn't give a shit and runs straight to Skylar's side. He is hooked up to machines and an IV, no breathing tubes or anything which is a relief. Sebastien follows promptly, Ryland is already sitting silently. To my understanding, Skylar isn't unconscious anymore, but just sleeping.

"Fuck, Cookie... How is he?" Felix sits next to Ryland, asking a million questions that no one but a doctor can answer. "Broken bones? Concussion? What the fuck happened?"

"I don't know... There's a teacher at school that called and said Skylar fainted, so I rushed here." I heard a mumble and a faint yawn from a different person, ending it with a high pitched squeal.

Skylar sits up with a tired face, clearly he's on medication and in pain. But the smile says otherwise. The smile that covers it all up. "Can I have my whale?" His voice is raspy and disjointed. And his drowsy smile makes him seem like some drugged up child.

"Fucking hell." Felix hugs Skylar, not too tightly but enough to coerce everyone else to join the group hug. "What happened Cookie? Did you take your meds? D-did you t-try...?"

Skylar looks taken aback at what Felix is suggesting, I didn't know Skylar was depressed, or... suicidal. But then again, I never made an effort to know more than the basics about him. "No, no. I'm alright. I think..." He waves his hand around, there were bandages around his forearm. I just stare, people are all over Skylar, making sure he has everything he needs and wants.

But here I am, standing still, looking.

I am so ashamed, I don't feel the urgency of death. I don't feel anything except regret and shame. A lot of it.

My head tells me to leave them alone, so I did. I walk out and sit on one of the chairs. For no particular reason at all, I just want to re-evaluate my personality traits. Am I really that heartless that I feel nothing when one of my good friends just fainted? I always knew I felt everything to a lesser extent than anyone else, but the fact that a life threatening event happened to someone close to me and I didn't even make an effort to inquire about his health. What kind of monster am I?

"Talk to me, son." I brush my hair aside, looking up at Sebastien with his salt and pepper beard. Why is he out here with the likes of me? His son is in there. A slight smile plays at his lips, he's trying to tend to someone that doesn't feel, it's going to be a futile effort. "Roman, you are as much of a son as Felix or Skylar. And there is no 'likes of you' around here, tell me what's going on in your head."

I guess I said that out loud... Don't I look like a lost idiot now?

"I can't believe myself..." I whisper, truly in disbelief. "Maybe I don't have a soul." My head isn't in the right place, I feel as if the slightest thing can trigger me and snap me in half. I don't want to upset anyone. Definitely not when Skylar is in hospital and everyone is emotionally distraught.

Sebastien lays a hand over my knee, patting it cautiously. "I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but I know you have family problems, just like everyone around. I'm not trying to replace anyone, I just want to be there for you guys. It wasn't easy for me to be away from my own son, I just want to compensate somehow." He chuckles humourlessly, the sound is so empty it resembles the reverberation of an empty orchestral auditorium. Free of audience and emotional worth. "I don't know why I thought it was a great idea to just let my son go off at 18 and never look for him. I was scared shitless that he'd be hurt..." He breathes out loud, "Anyway, this isn't about me."

This is about him just as much as it is about me. I need a diversion. Even though all that stuff he just said is supposed to be sentimental and touching, I am so overwhelmed with my incapability to feel anything that I don't know how to take it. Cynicism tells me he is just spouting a pity speech, but if that's the case, what is the point of sharing his own feelings to me. Trying to empathise? "H-how's the legal stuff going? The divorce..." Probably not the best thing to ask, but I'm genuinely interested. And from what I can tell, it's not touchy subject for him. The question is already out there in the open, no taking back and no point in overthinking now.

"It's good. I saw her once, she doesn't even look remotely upset... Kinda... stings. You give close to 25 years of your life to a woman and they repay you by going helicopter mom on my children and coax me into ignoring my younger child... That was a mistake to begin with, don't know what changed after 30 years..." He sounds regretful. 47 years old is not young, but I trust that he can remarry some time in the future.

"Talk about mistakes from the beginning..." I sigh. Even though my parents don't admit it, I know that I was a drunken mistake, probably conceived me when they were barely legal. I'd calculate the age, but I don't even know their birth year, that's how detached I am. Then they decide that I'm the problem in their marriage so they go off travelling and working in other countries, 'exploring new horizons' they say. A few years later out pops another baby and leaves her in my care without so much as a thank you. That's a mistake from the beginning.

I am a mistake from the beginning.

"I can feel your brainwaves from here Roman. If you are blaming yourself for something. Don't. What's the point? I did that for a long time, as long as you know that the lies you tell yourself are lies. You will live." Sebastien shrugs, taking his hand off my knee and stands to follow a doctor into Skylar's room after waving to me, chatting along as they approach the patient.

That did make me feel slightly better, I know the things I tell myself aren't 100% true. But some facts can be interpreted the wrong way, and once they are, it just goes down hill from there.

"H-h-how i-is Sk-Skylar...?" A breathless voice calls, a very snowed over Aaron and Owen speed walks over. I notice Owen shivering, it plucks at my heartstrings. It's been so long, but I still can't shake off my feelings for the kid. It's infuriating that I am feeling these things in the presence of my supposed love interest.

What are they doing together in the first place?

"He's in there, with the family." I point at the door, they look at it and then take a seat next to me. This shit is awkward.

"How are you feeling?" Aaron asks quietly. The tension of my internal battle is tangible, probably why he's so weary of me. At the reminder that they were together just then makes me irrationally angry.

"Why were you two together?" I snap, it's the least aggressive voice I can dish out.

Aaron shrugs, "We were just shopping for some stuff. You know getting to know each-"

"Do you realise how fucked up that is? Going out and be friends with my ex?" I stand and tie my hair up into a pony tail, if I don't the loose strands of hair that get in my line of sight will be ripped out, out of fury. I'm more angry of the fact that at this moment in time I'm thinking about my relationship status more than the life threatened friend in the room. Again, it comes full circle.

I'm just very immune to emotions, anything other than lust and fury. I'm just a horny time bomb of a mistake.

Those words weigh very heavily on me. I'm just a horny time bomb of a mistake.

"Wh-where is this coming from Roman?" Aaron stands, he's going to win this argument and I'm going to be very pissed over it. "I'm trying to be civil and befriend someone, and you're being irrational."

"I'm, being irrational? Think about me for a second. This is awkward as shit, I'm still fucking in love with him. Barely getting over it and you have to go and stick yourself to him just like that!"

Aaron sucks in a breath, Owen goes to speak up, he's on the verge of tears. "No Owen, this isn't your fault. Go grab a hot drink, please." Owen stands clumsily, tripping over his slippery sneakers on the way to a drink vendor. "You, are being an unreasonable sack of shit. I'm taking time out of my schedule to help a friend, I'm trying to make him comfortable and create a tangible relationship out of your ex and I. it's called being civil, communicating like humans do."

I know I am fucking up big time, but does my head care? Of course not. I need release.

"You don't think it would be easier for me to just ignore his existence and be insecure about myself on the inside? The kid got raped, he needs someone to be there for him. I'm not saying I'm a fucking saint here, but I am trying my best to mend a mistake that you foolishly didn't seek the truth for." Aaron sucks in a big breath, tears pooling at his eyes, "Get your shit together Roman. He's your ex, sure, but he's introduced to me on fair terms and I think I deserve an extra friend. And if it means getting into a fight with you, then I will defend myself because I'm not taking shit for no good reason."

He's so fucking right, I'm just being a piece of shit. I hate it so much, but the damage is done. My pride is only pushingme to fight for myself. It's selfish, I know.

"Like you said. You're still in love with him. It'd be so much easier for you to just go after him..." His tear slips, "I feel insecure Roman. I feel something for you and I'm sorry if I'm too busy for dates and stuff but sometimes you have to take initiative. I can't do everything here, and you know it's not fair. I appreciate you being there when I need you, but that's only when I need you. You never need me, it's like I'm just a feeble existence that, in your world, I can be disposable at a snap of your fingers. It feels like I'm being used."

He unclasps his necklace, he's always wearing a suit, I didn't realize he was wearing it. It's a dog tag with his name engraved. It's not much, but I gave it to him as an apology gift when I first pissed him off at the carnival. Now it comes around, and back to me. The force of the necklace hitting my chest and sliding down to my hands isn't what made me turn around and run. It's the lack of emotional turmoil, it's just one thing floating in my head.

It's the tears that are beginning to spill, those irrational, angry tears.

The word 'feel' sticks out like a sore thumb, ringing in my head like a restless fly. He feels all these things, and I genuinely give a shit about him, but my head is too far up my proud ass to actually bother asking about his day. I'm screwing everything up.

And after that thought.

My head goes blank.

I no longer feel anything, I couldn't bring myself to process my anger towards... myself.

None of this is Aaron's fault, definitely not Sebastien's or Owen's fault.

I'm just being... me.

A mistake. That's all I will ever be.

I just want to yell and scream,

perhaps even beg on my knees.

Hold on,

Hold on to me.

Because I am a little unsteady.