[Ryland]

*~*~*

"Merry Christmas"

A carol of hope,

Hymn of a perfect night.

It couldn't be more true,

Because under the shelter of love and laughter;

No one can say "Merry Christmas",

Without being "Merry".

*~*~*

You know, I never thought of it like this but I feel like a house wife tending to my baby brother and husband who are on the couch playing video games while I make lunch. I don't have tons of work today since everything is settling with the new store and most of my branches won't be open for the next couple days due to the holiday season.

My eyes drift across the room, scanning the Christmas décor that Skylar insisted we put up. Felix also gave me a heads up of all the traditions he let Skylar pull, because when the school is in winter break he has nothing better to do. Key word is 'let' because apparently my brother had come up with very strange ideas every year. Which I don't put past him, he is, after all, Skylar.

Decorating the apartment is one of the main traditions, along with a onesie rule that extends till after new years. There's also a gingerbread house building that they do every single year, and each time Skylar would start throwing so much candy on top of the thing it ends up collapses. I'll try and make sure it doesn't happen this year.

"You just shoved me off the cliff!" Felix whined, looking at his half of the screen in exasperation.

"Sorry? Can't hear you!" Skylar giggles and flops over on his bean bag. "Go check on Ryland, I don't want him to overload and fall over. I want to watch SpongeBob."

"Fine." Felix grumbles, sounding less than content at the prospect of helping me out. "Need help?" His arms come around my waist suddenly sounding way more interested, since the kitchen has a door and four walls, he sees it as an excuse to distract me while I'm chopping up a bell pepper.

"No I'm good." Rolling my eyes and pushing what I have cut to the side of the board. "You don't sound like you're keen to help anyway."

"No one said that ." He says accusingly and slips a warm hand under my shirt and begin tracing over my belly button. "You should join Skylar and I for working out. I'd like to see you more toned. Not that you're not already." His forehead finds my shoulder blade, rolling his head from side to side as his hand continue its dirty work.

"You know I can't join you that early. I'm already at the store by then." He growls in disapproval, hand slipping up my shirt and playing with my chest. He sighs, "If only you had a vagina. We would make the prettiest babies."

"Says the one that insists we don't have sex until later."

"Says the one that suggested rabbit sex in the master bedroom." I feel a sharp pain in my finger, when I look down I realize I had just cut my thumb with the knife. "Holy shit that hurts."

Felix removes his hands immediately, looking at me worriedly while he searches for the convenient first aid kit. This is precisely why it's in the kitchen. "Come here. Actually no, don't move." He frantically places me on the kitchen top where nothing is set up. "Fuck. It looks really deep."

I stare at his scrunched eyebrows and tense muscles, telling me he is guilt ridden. Underneath all that bipolar rests a gentle soul, I haven't seen it much but I know it's there. It's been there since the day he met Skylar I suppose. Who I have yet to thank and tell that I am in a relationship with his best friend.

Life is complicated. Why can't Ikea make instructions for it?

"I'm sorry Ryland." The alcohol burns the wound, it is pretty deep but nothing time can't heal. Unlike some other wounds. "I didn't mean to distract you. I just wanted you to have company... and I felt bad for making you cook." His hands quickly wrap a gauze around the injury, keeping germs away. "I promise I won't fuck around next time. I'm just really horny and not wearing boxers isn't helping my case."

My eyes can't even begin to drift down because I feel repulsed at the idea of him being sexually frustrated. Not because I don't want it with him, it's because I feel dirty from being a rape victim. It's wasn't even a one time thing, it went on and on for a couple of months. All because I needed a position in the student council.

"Ryland? Ryland?" Felix grabs my hand with one of his, the other resting on my cheek, caressing me softly. I love this soft side of him. "Babe? Are you in pain?"

"No... Just thinking." It fell silent for a while, I continue to prepare lunch while Felix just stands on the side, helping me wash my utensils as I cook. "I'm sorry for not having sex with you."

"Ryland..." He sighs, "I'm not with you just because I want something to stick my dick into. I'm with you because I want this to mean something. I know I fucked up. Please don't be mad at me..."

His lips come down on mine for a brief moment. "I just feel like I'm not doing my job properly as your boyfriend."

"I-is there a reason you feel this strongly about sex?" His voice, weary as if he's guessed something and is in complete denial. "You know what, don't answer that. It's Christmas Eve."

His hands go down to his crotch, moving his erection uncomfortably. Just man up and shove it down your throat. But I can't, it doesn't feel right. And the fact that Felix is the one to suggest that we hold off makes me even more stressed, he deserves it but he is inhibiting himself because of my sake. In a way it's sweet, but I just find it an inconvenience to him.

"Ryland. If this is an issue about top or bottom I really don't give a shit." His voice is soft like velvet. I really want to tell him, cry about how terrible it is to get fucked over and over by the supervising staff of the student council just so I can make my parents proud.

I wasn't doing it for myself, I just want Skylar to be free but by that time, he was already planning to leave home to go live with Felix.

"S-sorry."

"Baby..." He comes over, removing the cooking ware from my hands and kiss me lightly. "I really don't know what I can do, I just want you to be happy." It's moments like this where he's tender and loving that makes my heart soar to the stars. But alas, these aren't the right circumstances to be happy.

"I'm okay. Let's have lunch and get ready for the party." Smiling genuinely when I peck him on the lips, Felix is a great kisser. I can't live up to him so short kisses will have to do.

"Alright. Whatever it is bothering you I'm sure it's a great deal." His smirk resurfacing. "Don't discredit your importance."

His hand finds my right butt cheek, pinching it before ushering me to go entertain Skylar while he finishes up lunch. Sometimes I forget we were arch nemesis just a couple months ago. Such a short span of time but so much has changed.

~

Skylar sits in the front seat while Felix drives us to the party. Seeing them smile just warms my heart, it feels like a proper family and not people trying to undermine my success and turn it into something that they can use to flaunt. Family should be filled with gentle smiles and hearty laughs. Like right now.

"I think we have enough money in the swear jar to buy another ring." Skylar pulls Felix's hand up, looking at the simple tungsten band that sits on his index finger. "You have really big fingers." He's now twisting the band in circles, as if contemplating what to do with it. I mean it's a ring, you can only do so much.

"It doesn't have to be a ring Cookie." Felix snatches his hand out from Skylar's grasp and makes a third exit at the round about before presenting his hand to my brother again. Skylar gladly takes it. Maybe I should be jealous that they are intimate all the time, but they've been together for far longer than I have, who am I to take away that bond? Plus, it really doesn't bother me that much.

"Maybe I can save more up, and then you can use it when you decide to buy an engagement ring for your future husband or wife." Felix snorts at that.

"Bambi, you do realize that the money in the jar is money that he had put in right?" The car pulls to a stop, we all unbuckle and step out, continuing our conversation. "And I'm sure whoever his future husband or wife is, they won't appreciate an engagement ring bought partly from one dollar bills that is a result of his sailor mouth." I mean I wouldn't mind it, as long as I get a pretty ring but it's not about me now is it.

Skylar continues to suggest things, laying out possibilities that seem very unlikely. But a man can dream. Felix's hand swoops down to take mine, but I elbow him and he pouts. He hasn't asked me to be his boyfriend yet, I wouldn't hesitate in asking him, it's just because he told me himself that there will be times when the relationship will become frustrating and if he comes to a conclusion that he wants this to be cannon then it will happen.

We step into the shop, littered casually are people that we've already introduced ourselves to with the help of Felix. I feel something warm around my shoulder, then I look behind me and realize Felix had taken his coat off for me, again. "Felix. I'm not doing a part two of that. We are indoors I am going to combust if you keep throwing coats on me."

"You're my personal coat hanger." His shrug is cut short when Johnny comes around the front. Johnny is a nice guy, shaved head and his hands move on the keyboard at such a speed it doesn't even register in my brain before he is done. As a totally hypocritical retort, I place Felix's jacket on Skylar's back, he's currently putting on a Christmas tree onesie, insisting that we make sure all the LEDs are working before brining it over.

I chat with my brother for a little while, considering he doesn't have work for the next couple of weeks and I do, he has been helping out in the book stores, casually providing the most amazing customer service and entertainment to all the staff. I just realized but Skylar is just amazing at remembering people's names.

"Oh give me a moment, I have to go get that green and red bag from the car." I look at his attire, he is definitely not going out there in a onesie. Felix will skin me alive if he comes back frozen.

"I'll go get it. You wait here." He nods thankfully before hugging me, then proceeds to trot off towards a very pregnant Valerie (One of the new staff, apparently). Even though she is pregnant as fuck Roman was nice enough to offer her the job because of her single parent status. Not that she hasn't been married or anything but she is a surrogate for a gay couple friend. So awesome of both of them.

I run up to Felix, nudging him in the side to gain his attention. I have an unhealthy habit of elbowing people's side, everyone complains they have a broken rib, but I just think it's convenient because I don't have to speak and risk sounding rude. "I need to get a bag for Skylar. Car keys please."

On a normal day Felix would have forced me to stay, but upon further nudging, he gave in. "Don't take too long. I don't want you as an ice cube to thaw on Christmas eve." His friends snort before giving me a smile. They are all nice people, Roman has a great eye for that.

My footsteps are brisk as I speed walk to the car, it's not snowing but it's definitely freezing temperature judging by the very frozen lake. It's weird how I haven't seen Roman around yet, it is, after all, his own party. Though I'm sure he wouldn't have thrown it if Skylar didn't climb onto his desk and practically beg for a Christmas party, since I have too many staff I can't really throw a party without it being large scale. So we opted for the second best option.

Asking Aaron would just be dumb.

Speaking of which... "My staff are in the ball room doing whatever the fuck. I should really be there for a pep talk or whatever but I'm not about to waste my whole Christmas eve at some company Christmas ball when I can hang out with 'the Others'." Aaron said casually, after that night decorating, the five of us are officially named 'The Others', it's an extremely generic and lame name for a group of friends but I'm sure further improvements will be made when we are all sick of it. Or when Skylar is sick of it, I'm sure the rest don't really care.

I almost fall over when I see Roman holding Aaron's hand, strolling casually up into the shop through the parking lot. That meeting at his office must be a date then. I am still thoroughly confused as to what is happening. One moment they are both on a date with Skylar, the next moment they are holding hands on Christmas Eve like a perfect couple.

My brain and heart, for once, agree on something. They look really cute together. Aaron seems to fit perfect next to Roman, there isn't that obvious masculinity difference like Felix and I have. They both look authoritative. Almost like the couple to rule all couples. They just look happy together.

I speed past them, careful not to trip over the black ice on the ground, thankfully I don't get caught and remove the bag from the trunk of Felix's car carefully. "Hey babe." I shriek and jump. My face pales when I see Felix with a scowl on his face. "I am not that hideous."

"Holy fuck Felix!" Slapping him in the elbow. "It's the 24th I don't need to die, I haven't even opened my gifts!"

"I just came to check on you... you took too long." He scratches the back of his neck then takes the bag out of my hands before moving us back into the warmth of the indoors. A totally unnecessary trip for him but a sweet gesture nonetheless.

Melissa and Johnny take the stage once everyone has arrived, clanking a wine glass with a fork. "Humans of Earth. I come in peace." Johnny takes another glass, running his finger around the rim of the glass to make a resonating sound. "I have an announcement to make."

She clears her throat to speak but her boyfriend cut in. "We are going to be parents in 28 weeks!" The room erupts into cheers and congratulatory words. Though there aren't many people, the ones that are here made enough noise to warrant a noise complaint. Luckily we don't have neighbors. "I have something else to say."

Collective gasps come immediately after Johnny gets on one knee. Roman brings a ring box to him and Johnny starts his speech. I catch bits and pieces, but mostly thinking to myself what the odds are for two people to love each other so much that they are willing to spend the rest of their lives together.

My immediate thought is to discredit my current 'relationship', but it's not fair for Felix if I did that. I know we both seek longevity. It's the first time Felix has dated someone seriously after he took Skylar in. He says he never had the time. But I wonder, if one day I could see this from the perspective of Johnny or Melissa. Would I be crying? Maybe I'd be too shocked to speak.

The laughter around the room and clapping dies down to chatter and the occasional screech as the girls inspect Melissa's new ring with envy in their eyes, telling me that she had said yes. Being the only gay couple in the room (minus whatever the fuck Aaron and Roman are), I feel slightly awkward being envious of that ring too, it's rose gold and has a small diamond in the middle. Classy and practical.

Though, I look back at Skylar, he is crying so hard it's not even a joke. But they are happy tears. Tears that he cry for someone else. Is it normal to be that touched by someone else's engagement? Here I am, standing at the side of the room, thinking about how I feel.

"That's a surprise, isn't it?" Aaron chuckles next to me, startling me slightly but not enough to drop my drink. "Very beautiful speech too."

"Yeah..." Is this really the right time for me to confront him about what I saw outside?

"I know you saw Roman and I." His expression still a gentle, caring smile. Thank god he's not mad. "We just started talking, nothing official."

"I see..." That still doesn't explain much but I can't force information now, plus, it's none of my business anyway. "Well, I guess I should clear the air about Felix and I. We aren't official either." He nods thoughtfully while sipping his wine. "I- I guess it just surprised me, sorry if I was being rude and ran."

"No worries." He suddenly points toward Felix and Roman. "Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be proposed to? I run simulations in my head, knowing my personality I'm probably going to be the one proposing though. I just like getting stuff done."

I frown. "You're talking about Roman and you?" He nods, curious for me to continue. "You see the two of you growing old together?" He smiles fondly, as if thinking of the future.

All I could think of is the past. Maybe that's where the problem is.

"You don't?" Aaron places his drink down, smoothing out his sweater that Skylar gifted all of us. I frown but don't shake my head. Do I see it? "I thought the point of dating someone is to hope they stick with you long enough for all the sappy post marital bullshit. It's not like I'm in love with Roman or anything but I have hope."

This really isn't the conventional 'speak to your boss' conversation starter but he initiated, so I can't exactly chicken out. "I guess I don't see myself married... Plus, I'm not very likeable."

"Well, obviously some of us thinks differently to that." I look up at him and he points subtly in the direction of the rest of our group of five. Roman stands firm and stoic, Felix looks irritable and Skylar is bouncing around in his flashing onesie, being the center of the universe as usual. "Me included."

I guess those lights don't really help.

He is the sun after all.

~

"There's half an hour before Christmas." Felix says as we sit side by side on a bean bag, I'm sure most people know we are going out by now, but none of them decide to say anything. I guess they are still fake fainting over that engagement a couple hours ago, with a good reason too.

"Yeah." I shift slightly so I'm closer to Felix. Now looking at Skylar who is the only single person in the room, everyone brought their spouse or partner. In a way, I feel bad for my brother, he deserves that special someone and yet... he's still single. Not being able to love anyone he wants to, it's just a huge handicap for him. I'm sure if he has the heart to love whoever he chooses, he'd be in the best relationship ever now, he has a great eye for personality.

"You think we will ever be like that?" Felix asks, taking a sip of his Rum and Coke. I follow his finger, directed at Johnny and Melissa, happily chatting and cuddling. I make a face at that. "You know, engaged and shit."

"Well, my dear Felix. Being 'engaged and shit' is on my list, but we barely started talking two months ago." I look at Aaron and Roman, having a very mellow conversation, even the way they speak looks mature. But I suppose being a few years our senior grants them that type of aura. "Funny how you asked that, I was just speaking to Aaron about that, straight after the engagement."

His eyebrow raise into his hairline, I take note of the scar the runs perpendicular to his left brow, causing a faint pink line against his brow bone. I always wonder whether he remembers where all his scars come from of not, they make him... mysterious. "I hate to break it to you but he's technically your boss and you're not supposed to be speaking about marital crises with him."

"Says the one that goes out to the bar with his boss every Friday night. Last time you came home you told Skylar something about dildos and -"