But if only Luke knew how hard it was for Ashton to lie like that. If only Luke had stopped him, and told him to stop lying. If only Luke hadn't believed him. If only Luke had realized how much Ashton loved him, and how much Ashton thought he didn't deserve him. If only Luke knew how much he'd break Ashton, because he'd let him walk away so easy.

If only Luke knew.

*****

The minute Ashton had walked out, he'd broken down into tears, vision blurred as he ran back to his own room. He could believe himself. It broke him really, because he loved Luke. Too much. But Ashton could never have anything good. He hated every kiss with Luke, it brings taste of something he'd never truly be able to have. He loved every embrace, because Luke made him feel wanted.

and now, he'd lost everything.

Ashton was fully clothed in the shower, hot water scalding his skin and sharp blade slicing his arms and stomach. Ashton sobbed harder, watching the red swirl down the drain. He scratched at himself hard, till he caused his nails to become rough and jagged. He cried to himself, alone, hitting his head hard against the shower wall.

Ashton could only imagine Luke's tears, and it hurt him further, knowing Luke cried because of him. Ashton would blame Luke for hating him, hell, he couldn't.

How can you blame someone for hating you, when you hate yourself all the same?

*****

To say Ashton was ignored was quite the understatement. Luke, was the youngest of their group. So when he rolled up, a good two hours before Ashton, angry, tired, and visibly crying, everyone had been concerned. And upon learning Ashton caused those tears...then suddenly, no one had time for an explanation.

It wasn't tolerated amongst them when one of them hurt another, and because the rarely did, no one knew how to react. And because Luke was their first side of the story, Michael and Calum sided with him, not paying nearly enough attention to Ashton.

He didn't care. No one did for him anyways.

But in all truth, Michael and Calum were confused. Unsure. They didn't know what Ashton did, just that Luke was upset over him. And Luke wasn't sad, he was angry upset. So they were all the more concerned.

And Luke, he couldn't help himself. He was mad at Ashton for leading him on and throwing everything away. He was so angry, that he let himself believe that he never loved Ashton. Luke was so wrapped up in his own self pity and loss, hating that Ashton had ruined what they had.

*****

It's at the rehearsal for the Forum show, when attention is finally brought to Ashton. But by then, it's far too late.

The tensions in the band have more or less diminished, yet there is still a distance between Ashton and the others. They treat him normally on camera, but alone, they aren't the way they usually were.

Ashton was so frustrated, and without Luke keeping him in check, he hadn't been eating properly, and had been hurting himself daily. It had had been 2 hours into rehearsal, and it was not working well. Ashton broke his drum kit and many pairs of drumsticks, and continuously messed up the rhythms, even after simplifying them.

He eventually gave up, throwing the drumsticks into the empty arena, before moving off stage. Luke stops him, by grabbing hold of his arm, and Ashton doesn't know what hurt more.

The physical pain, from his grip, or the sting in his heart, because Luke knew perfectly well why he shouldn't have done that.

"Luke! Stop it! Let go of me!"

"Ashton, please! We're all stressed b-"

"L-Luke, let go of me"

Luke furrows his brows, and immediately throws his hand back, once the crimson red liquid seeps through. Luke took a step back, guiltily.

Ashton couldn't stop the tears that followed.

*****

It was raining hard, and through his blurred vision, Ashton could barley make out anything. His wrists screamed in pain, the loss of blood, and his lack of food making him dizzy and weak. Ashton sobbed, sitting on the curb, every car that drove by filling his head with morbid thoughts.

He could end this right now.

Right this second, he could die. Free himself from his suffering. It was tempting, and Ashton wanted nothing more than to let himself be hit. The thoughts had no filter, and Ashton was so close to jumping into the busy street.

He could call it an accident.

His head pounded and he cried harder, so unsure of himself. He needed this tour to be done, and himself to be away from Luke. He needed nothing more.

It happens a little to fast, and all he can remember is the flash of headlights and darkness.

Pure darkness.

*****

Sierra was laughing as Luke tickled her sides, crawling into his lap to give him a quick kiss. Michael and Calum were sitting on the couch, unaware of the blood Luke had drawn hours back. They hadn't seen the soaked sleeves, only Ashton running away. They didn't know what Luke had done, so they could the upset at him. They expected Ashton to show up in his own time, deciding he was in a mood.

So no one was really worried when Ashton was unreachable.

Luke was a little annoyed, because Ashton was getting more attention then he deserved for being dramatic as usual. Michael and Calum thought this as well, though they'd never admit it.

So they weren't as concerned as everyone who was trying to contact him. They realized this had happened before, and that Ashton would show up eventually. It was fine.

Sierra was a bit confused at the tension, again thinking her joke had caused it. She apologized to Luke, who reassured her it was fine. Michael repeatedly thought back to what Luke had told him, and didn't know how to use the information. Calum? Well, he was out of the loop, but suspected accurately that there was something going on.

It's an hour later when Ashton returns, and none of them expected to see him the way they did.

He was bloody, limping and muddy, very obviously hurt.

He winced visibly as he breathed, and his face was screwed up in pain. Feldy was the first to hug him, immediately jumping back when Ashton screamed in pain, and collapses to the floor.

"Holy shit, Ashton what happened?!"

"N-nothi-ah s-shit-I-I got hit by a car"

"YOU WHAT?! YOU GOT HIT BY A MOTHERFUVKING CAR?!"

He helped Ashton up, and sat him on the couch, which Sierra willingly gave up, and demanded further explanation.

"Ashton, I swear to god, tell me every single goddamn detail"

"Make Luke leave"

"Ashton, they all care about you and deserve an explanation"

"Well? Luke doesn't fucking care. He wouldn't have purposely hurt me if he did"

"Wait, what did Luke do?"

"Luke isnt important right now, Ashton what the fuck happened to you?"

"YOU REALLY WANNA FUCKING KNOW?? WELL FINE! IM A SUICIDAL FREAK, AND LUKE, FULLY AWARE, REOPENED MY CUTS!! I WANTED TO DIE, HE WANTED ME TO KILL MYSELF! I CUT MYSELF AND HE KNOWS! HE KNOWS WHY, HE KNOWS EVERYTHING, AND HES RIGHT. I DESERVE TO DIE BUT HIS FUVKI-I WISH THAT STUPID CAR KILLED ME!!"

Ashton's screaming, pulling at his hair, and crying hard. His raspy voice echoes through the room, and Luke reaches for him.

Ashton screams and backs away, hiding his face and crying harder. He only thought of the pain Luke brought and never wanted to be touched again.

"Ashton"

"No, no, no, don't hurt me Luke"

He was lost and upset, and it broke everyone's hearts, seeing Ashton so scared. Like a small child, he covered himself, scared and hurt He was breathing erratically at this point and it became clear his panic levels were rising.

Luke could've calmed him down, yet he'd caused this, and hated himself. Everyone was in tears, and trying desperately to help Ashton. He stood up, shaky and dizzy, when everything suddenly came crashing down.

All the blood, his headache, and lack of food suddenly choke him, and he staggered back, before collapsing. Luke catches him, and picks up his limp body. The blood, there was so much of it, that Luke couldn't even tell where it was coming from.

Luke hadn't seen Ashton eat anything in days. He screamed for someone to call an ambulance, as he helplessly held Ashton. He hated himself for everything he'd done.

His whole world was lifeless in his arms, and it was all Luke's fault.

*****

Ashton was heavily monitored for the rest of tour, and thank the gods that things were somewhat back to normal. They all looked out for Ashton, knowing him the way they did, and despite him hating being babied, it worked out.

At the hospital it became clear, he hadn't eaten or drank anything proper in days, he was stressed, and regularly self harmed.

Luke got a very loud, violent lecture from Calum and Michael. Michael even punched him, which he rightfully deserved, in all honesty. Ashton? He'd kept his distance. When Luke made any sort of contact, he'd hide his face and scream, and Luke hated that he triggered such horrible memories to Ash-

Holy motherfucking shit.

Holy motherfucking shit.

Holy motherfucking shit.

The same words run through Luke's head as he jumps up in a cold sweat, awakened by a loud noise. There is broken glass on his tray table, a very startled Ashton beside him, and a very guilty Michael and Calum across the aisle.

But none of that matters. What matters was the fact that he'd just had the most fucked up dream- ever.

His mind feels numb as he tries to process everything. The fact that he'd been gay, made out with Ashton, found out about Ashton's self harm, purposely hurt him and-

Holy motherfucking shit.

It was confusing. He'd never felt any attraction to Ashton, quite frankly loved Sierra, and would never dream of being out with Michael and fangirling about how sexy Ashton was and how he could choke Luke, how much Luke wanted to fuck him a-

Point being, holy motherfucking shit.

Luke can't process anything, wondering why the hell he'd dreamt of the last few months as if he were gay and in love with Ashton. They'd already happened, but not the way he imagined, and Luke was so confused at himself.

The forum had happened weeks ago, in fact, the whole WWJ tour was done, and after their last performance of the year and decade in Boston, they had a long break.

Nothing he'd dreamed ever took place.

He shakes his head, and turns to Ashton who's quietly picking up the glass shards and putting the into his barf bag. His wrist snags on a loose piece, and cuts his skin, causing Ashton to snatch his hand back.

Luke still couldn't believe what the hell happened, and why he'd seen Ashton do things from his own perspective...the whole concept confused himself and he didn't find it easy to believe it had been a sick dream.

Ashton's cut triggers a memory from the dream, and Luke grabs his wrist, and pulls the sleeve. Ashton has no hesitance, and Luke states at the smooth skin, faded scars from years ago barley visible.

Yet Luke's heart didn't believe Ashton was ok. Whether that dream had been a warning of sorts, for him to look out for Ashton...or just a stupid dream, Luke instantly felt protective of Ashton.

And admittedly a little disgusted. He couldn't really imagine himself with Ashton. Ashton was a sweet guy, but Luke's heart was set on Sierra, his beautiful girlfriend, who he'd be seeing for the first time in months.

Luke rests his head back against the seat, propping up his tray and fastening his belt as their direct flight from Boston to LA comes to an end.

*****

It was a dream.

And holy shit, Luke is having a hard time accepting it.

Because really, who the fuck dreams all that in the span of a few hours?

And now, that they've successfully made it off the plane, Luke's focusing on everyone, and there is absolutely no tension amongst them. He shakes his head again, trying to get the stupid dream off of his mind. His eyes land on the group of fans clustered to his left, a few feet away, and follows the other boys to them.

Ashton makes a comment, and Luke doesn't even hear all of it, just the bit where he says he needs coffee. So Ashton's gone, and Luke doesn't really care, whatever, he was a grown man, he was fine.

And maybe Luke cared a bit, but wanted nothing to do with his dream, so he told himself he didn't. He wasn't gay. And that wasn't denial, he wasn't. He thought Sierra was hot, and she did, quite frankly turn him on.

Ashton? He did not.

As usual, Luke's overthinking, and he barley remembers what the meeting between him and the fans went like. It's all a foggy mess after that really, and Luke only tunes in when his Uber pulls up to his house.

He's got his carry on in the trunk, the rest of his bags were to come later. He fishes his key out and opens the door, entering the familiar, dark home. It's dead silent, and it's what he needs right now, because he's jet lagged, tired, and confused as fuck.

There's a quiet barking in the distance, and the light clicks on, just as Petunia attacks Luke. He screams, and grabs his baby, hugging and kissing her. He hears Sierra laugh from behind him, and he grabs her as well, spinning her and kissing her hard.

He missed this.

He hugs her tightly, and she wraps her arms around his waist.

"I missed you Lu"

"You too baby"

"How was tour then?"

"100/10...it was absolutely wicked"

"And the Jingle Ball?"

"Better with Michael"

"I'm sure it was. You guys did insane though, especially Ashton on the drums, he was wild in Philly"

"Oh god, and then when he knocked the cymbals? He scared the living shit out of me"

"Oh luke...sorry I'm here now though, I couldn't wait, but you're probably so tired"

"No, there's no better way to start my break than with my girl and adorable little piggy"

Sierra laughs and petunia nestled between their legs. Luke lets a quiet yawn escape, and takes hold of Sierras hand.

He tried his best to forget whatever the fuck he'd dreamed up, and did so partly by ignoring his phone every time it buzzed, because it was Ashton. He'd been calling luke repeatedly for the past 15 minutes, but Luke left his phone on the couch, instead focusing on his girl, who he loved and not Ashton, who he was not gay for. He leads Sierra and nudges Petunia up the stairs, a tired smile on his face.

"Come on, lets sleep."

*****