this chapter more focuses on ashton's . so, yeah. sorry if it's boring/short.

"i really wish that i could wake up and just start life all over again, you know? like, wake up and you're in first grade again and actually enjoy your childhood; actually enjoy your life, change things, avoid things, unmeet people, take chances; just fucking start over."

note to self; he uses his hands to make his point.

"who do you want to unmeet?"

"my, uh, ex boyfriend, i guess. he literally has no idea how much pain he's caused me in the past."

michael.

"oh. i'm...i'm sorry about that." i scratch the back of my neck, feeling a bit awkward. luke doesn't seem to notice; he shrugs, smiling softly and leaning his elbow on the carpet of my living room floor, using it as support. "eh, it's okay, it was a long time ago."

i nod, choosing to keep all comments of michael to myself. i sigh, not continuing the conversation and laying back on my bed. luke follows my actions and lays next to me, crossing his legs.

"my favorite color is blue, i don't like broccoli, music is the only reason i haven't killed myself yet-"

my eyes immediatly widen, "what?"

"sorry, my mouth has no filter." he chuckles and glances at me then back at the ceiling.

i purse my lips, thinking about wether to ask him this or not. i decide that i should. "are you- are you depressed, luke?"

he smiles, turning his head to me. "no, i'm just luke." he says, "i'm sorry about last time i came over by the way. i honestly don't know why i said those things. really embarrassing, actually." he smiles, but i can tell he feels awkward just bringing up the subject. i don't really want to let the subject of him possibly being depressed up, but i can see that he does, so i let it go. i give him a soft smile, sitting up slightly and leaning my elbow on my bed, luke does the same, leaning in a little; like he's genuinely interested in what i have to say.

"it's okay, luke. i mean, i felt a bit awkward, but, if we're being honest, it, um, it -- you kind of had a little bit of an affect on me." i blush as i admit this to him, but you can't blame me, it's a really embarrassing thing to admit.

he doesn't do anything, just stares at me with such awe in his eyes and soon a smirk grows on his face and his eyebrows raise. "did i now?" he replies. i roll my eyes, but the embarrassing smile on my face just doesn't fade one bit. his facial expression doesn't fade as i playfully push him arm and go back to laying down, but still face him. "yes, you did. can we move on now?" i ask. he acutally giggles, but nods and lays down beside me.

we really don't talk for a while, just kinda lay there, exchanging glances, listening to the pitter pattering sound of the rain outside; it's nice. there's no awkward feeling in the room, no uncomfortable glances, nothing like that. just me and luke relaxing on my bed. i just kinda wish this is how it could have been the first time he came over, but i'm really glad that it's like this now.

my living room starts to dim and before we know it, it's completely dark. i don't bother to turn on any lights, or move from where i'm laying at all, or even change out of my, somewhat uncomfortable, skinny jeans because who cares? i kinda just love the fact that luke hasn't left yet.

i feel my bed move, like luke is trying to find a comfortable position, but then i feel his arm snake around my waist and his body moves very close to mine. i silently pray that he doesn't feel me tense up because the true fact is i love that his arm is around my waist right now and that he's snuggling into the crook of my neck. he knows what he's doing, right? he's not asleep; i don't hear him snoring. then again, he could be just a very quiet sleeper. yeah, he's probably just quietly asleep and likes to cuddle something while sleeping. yeah, that's it. oh, jesus, what if he wakes up and gets all weirded out and never speaks to me again? what if he-

"relax." he breathes, his hot breath hits my neck and sends goosebumps throughout my entire body, "stop overthinking. and go to sleep."

"luke, i-"

"please, ashton. don't ruin this," he snuggles closer to me, i really don't know what to do with my hands, so i just lift them up awkwardly, "please." he pleads. i sigh, giving in and bringing my arms to wrap around him in a-- hate to admit this-- a protective way. he sighs in content, like you can actually hear his smile. a smile soon tugs onto my face as i hear his familiar, quiet snores fill the room. closing my eyes, i smile to myself, just happy that i have luke in my arms.

damn, that was chessy.

+

i can feel his fingers intertwine with mine, but i can't make any movement. i hate that.

he chuckles through his tears and oh, how i wish i could tell him to stop thinking so negatively. i wish so badly that i could.

he brushes his thumb over my cheek and i really wish i could see the look in his eyes right now. i like it when he looks at me and all you see in his eyes is love. it makes me feel very good.

it's not your turn to die. his words make my heart physically break, but also extremely happy. i'm glad my family is moving on, but i hate how i'm not their to see them do so. i miss calum. i miss michael. i miss i wonder if i can cry; maybe that'll tell luke that i've heard him for the past year.

i try so hard to let a tear slip, i really do, but it just doesn't happen. i hate myself even more for that.

"wake up, ashton, are you okay?" luke's voice of panic fills my ears as my eyes shoot open, only to be met with luke's bright blue ones filled with worry. i notice my breathing is heavy and my palms are sweaty.

shit. it happened again.

i gulp, catching my breath and nodding slowly at luke. "i'm- i'm fine."

"are you sure? you were, like, hyperventilating your sleep." he frowns, resting his hand on my chest. i nod once again. "yeah, just a...weird dream." i say. he hesitates, but nods, laying back onto the pit of my arm and snuggling into me. his actions make me forget about my dumb dreams and just enjoy him being here. i close my eyes once again, taking in the sounds of the rain and thunder outside and soon falling asleep once again.

+

that's not luke's voice. not even close. that's...calum?i hear him grunt softly and sigh. guessing that he's sat down, i get ready to hear what he's got to say.

the volume of his voice increases rapidly, and i know if i could, i'd flinch and he'd apologize and give me a quick hug. but i can't, so that doesn't happen. instead, i hear the door open and someone tells him that he has to leave. that breaks my heart. i miss my best friend.

my eyes don't even shoot open this time, they just slowly open, as i'm getting used to these dreams. can't control them, might aswell enjoy 'em.

it's not morning yet; my living,room is still quite dark. i still hear luke's soft snores fill the room and i realize that i'm not gonna get any sleep unless i'm ready for some strange dreams. so, i just stay awake. i turn my head over to luke, who is still snoring and laying comfortably in my arms, and just kinda take in his features. his lips are parted slightly, light snores escape his mouth, making me smile. it's never caught my eye until now because i've never been so close to him, but he has stubble. not much, but it's there. his blonde hair isn't all blonde, it's like a dirty blonde. it's in a quiff that's becoming a tad lazy. it fits him. he's just very, very attractive and i have no shame in admitting that.

i can't help but feel like i've known him for a while. he's so easy to talk to-- you know, when he's not talking about doing sexual things to me. it's nice when you meet someone and just connect with them, you know?

i decide to go back to sleep since my eyes are becoming very heavy and it's still dark. i let my eyes close and gently pull luke closer to me; he's just really warm and i like him close to me, to be honest. in minutes, i'm falling back to sleep.

+

next update;

haley.