Natasha's POV

I looked at the time. 7 am. I expected them to come earlier. I've basically not been doing anything but to drink tea and look over the city all night long. And thinking. Of Steve. I try hard to kick him out of my mind, but I can't. I don't want him to get hurt. Everyone that ends up with me ends up getting hurt. Or killed..

A laud bank could be heard at the door and then a loud pitch voice.

"Natasha! It's Christmas! Wake up!" Pepper shouted through the door. She was as exited as a little child.

"Yes I know." I muttered, not loud enough for her to hear me though. I decided to walk out to them. Well, if I didn't, Tony would probably kick down my door (with his iron man suit, lets face it, it wouldn't work without it) for Pepper.

I walked out of my little dorm and Pepper greeted me with a warm hug.

"Merry christmas! God Natasha, how could you are! Lets get some tea." I followed her to the kitchen and made myself some strawberry tea.

"Marry Christmas!" Thor shouted happily as he walked into the room.

"It's merry." I said and he smiled at me.

"It sure is." He said, not understanding my correction. I smiled.

"Want a scone Natasha?" Tony asked but I didn't listen. I focused on the guy that stood my the door. He was leaning on the wall with his shoulder and had his arms crossed. He looked at us all and his eyes met mine for a second before Bruce came into the room and started talking to Steve.

"Natalie Rushman? Care for a scone?" Tony asked again and he caught my attention.

"Still upset about that huh?" I said, smirking at him as I took a scone and sat down any the kitchen table.

Tony didn't answer but sat down a few chairs away from me. Child.

Everyone sat down by the table. Steve sat down at the chair across from me. Not that I expected something else. We all talked for a while and had a lovely breakfast.

"Natasha were you going somewhere today? You mentioned something about that yesterday." Bruce asked and Pepper turned to me curious.

"Yeah, I'll just be gone for a few hours." I said, taking a sip of my tea. I felt Steve's eyes on me but I didn't confront them.

"Where?" Tony asked.

"Non of your business metal guy." I said and he raised his hands in a 'shit I was just asking' kind of a way.

"I'll be back before 5pm I said and smiled at Pepper. I knew she didn't want me to miss Christmas dinner.

Steve's POV

I was as curious as Tony. Where is she going? I wanted to know but I didn't want to ask. A few hours later, I saw her getting ready to leave. She tried to leave quietly but I noticed.

"I'll be back." She said as she saw my worried eyes.

"I don't know where you're going but I don't want you to do something alone on Christmas. Let me come with you." I said.

"I don't think that's a good idea.." She said and I looked her in the eyes.

"Please." I said and she was quiet for a while before I got an answer. She cleared her throat.

"Fine." She said and I grabbed my coat and followed her outside.

She went to her car and I figured we would go a long way. As we both were inside she pressed the gas and we flew over the street. I've never met a more skilled driver. She was driving dangerously fast but she had such control that she would never hit someone. She stopped the car outside some stores and turned to me.

"This is just going to take a few minutes. Stay here." She said as she stepped out of the car and into a flower store. I sat still trying to observe what she was doing though the shops windows. When she got out, she was holding an orange tulip. Only one.

She looked at me quickly before we drove away again. I could feel that she was worried. Or anxious. She had a lot on her mind but I was too afraid to ask. When she stopped the car outside a cemetery, I felt my heart in my chest move. I hadn't expected this. But of course it was this.

She walked pretty fast over the cemetery. I tried to keep her pace and she looked at me.

"I don't enjoy cemetery's." She said and kept walking.

"Who does?" I said understanding her.

She looked at me.

"A lot of people actually. They think it's a place of peace. I think it's stupid. No ones going to bury me." She said as she took a left turn and I followed. We walked for a while before she stopped at a big old gravestone. She took a deep breath and I watched her. Her hand was fumbling with the necklace around her neck. I looked at the gravestone.

'Alexi Shostakov' it said. She cleared her throat.

"We were married. It was a set up by KGB but he was good." She said as her eyes focused on the stone. On his name. "I loved him." She continued. "And that's why he died." She looked at me again. Her eyes were filled with pain. "Everyone, every single one who ever loved me, is dead. And that's my fault." She said.

"No it's not Natasha." I said but she interrupted me.

"Steve. Please listen. I'm responsible for everyone's death. If it weren't for me, they would all be alive. I need you to understand that I don't love. Everyone I touch gets hurt. And I don't want that for you. I can't be with you. Don't you understand?" She said. Her entire body begged me to leave her. To escape. But her eyes showed a different story.

"I do. Peggy, my mother, my father, Bucky." I said and she looked at me with sad eyes.

"It's not the same. You didn't cause their deaths."

"Maybe not but I'm sure you weren't the one who killed him." I said.

She looked at me angrily. She put the tulip on the black gravestone, making the orange flower shine bright.

"Steve, you still don't get it. We can never happen!" She said coldly.

"But we already have. It's too late Natasha." I said desperately. "I've lost everyone. Everyone I've ever known has disappeared from my life. I can't loose you too. It would kill me."

She looked at me. Her eyes were fixed one the single tear that ran down my cheek. She got closer to me to wipe away my year and she tried to make her voice more soft.

"Steve please please, leave me." She said, her voice broke in the middle of the sentence.

"Don't you see? I can't!" I shouted at her. "Remember when you had a bad dream? I made you a promise. I will never leave you Natasha."

"That's ridiculous." She said.

"I'd rather die than leave you. I love you." I said and she pierced her eyes in mine.

"Please, Steve. Take it back."

"I can't."

"Please."

"No."

She took a deep breath.

"But I don't love you." She said and my heart hurt a little.

"Yes you do." I said.

Natasha's POV

I was furious. He could have anyone. Anyone in the entire world. And he chooses me. I hated him.

"You do love me." He spoke again.

I took a deep breath.

"Yes but I can't." I said.

"No but I can." He said as he kissed my lips. I didn't stop him. I wanted to but I couldn't. I love him too much.